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Бесшумное обращение: предпочтительное оружие людей с нарциссизмом:

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Бесшумное обращение:
предпочтительное
оружие
людей с нарциссизмом
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  • Тихое обращение: предпочтительное оружие людей с нарциссизмом
  • Тихое обращение: предпочтительное оружие людей с нарциссизмом

    couple crisisДля тех, кто входит или выходит из романтического Отношения с самопоглощенным человеком, молчаливое лечение может чувствовать себя как наказание хуже смерти.

    молчаливый обращение является формой Эмоциональное злоупотребление обычно используемым людьми с Нарциссические тенденции . Он предназначен для (1) поместить обидчику в положение контроля; (2) молчание попытки цели на утверждение; (3) избежать разрешения конфликта / личной ответственности / компромисса; или (4) наказать цель для воспринимаемого эго незначительного. Часто, результат Безмолвная обработка - это именно то, что человек с нарциссизмом желает создать: реакцию из цели и ощущение контроля.

    Цель, которая может обладать высокой emotional intelligence, empathy, Навыки разрешения конфликта и способность к компромиссу, может усердно работать, чтобы реагировать на оглушительную тишину. Он или она часто может обратиться к нарциссическому человеку по электронной почте, телефону или тексту для разрешения значительно раздутых недоразумений и Как правило, встретились с продолжающимся презрением, презрением и тишиной. По сути, послание нарциссического человека является одним из крайней неодобрения в той степени, что тишина оказывает цель настолько незначительна, что он или она игнорируется и становится более или менее несущественным в глазах нарциссического человека.

    Эмоциональная зрелость типичного нарциссического человека сродни 5-летнего ребенка, который наступает и отказывается играть с другом в песочнице, потому что друг хочет Поделитесь веслом и лопатой. 5-летний отказывается разговаривать с другом и сердито отрывается, чтобы играть на спортзале джунглей с кем-то еще. Отбитый ребенок с ведром И лопата может почувствовать себя смущенным, Отклонено и может не понять, почему они не могут делиться. Он или она просто хотел построить песчаный замок вместе.

    Потому что никаких дальнейших коммуникаций не может встать, если и до тех пор, пока нарциссический человек не решит придать цели еще один шанс, Ложное чувство контроля . Часто нарциссистический человек потребует, чтобы цель Извинитесь за любой надувной преступной целевой целевой целевой целевой (цель, возможно, установило ограничение или утверждало границу против эмоционального оскорбления, например). Иногда человек с нарциссическими качествами решит отказаться и отказаться от отношений, когда его или ее партнер представляет ультиматум или попытки разрешения, требующие компромисс. Человек с нарциссизмом может предпочел положить конец отношениям и начать сверх, а не быть в положении потенциала Токсичные отношения с таким человеком, многие терапевты предполагают, что выжившие понять То, что человек с нарциссизмом не разработал способность выражать высокий уровень сочувствия, взаимности и компромиссы. Тихое лечение является формой эмоционального насилия что никто не заслуживает и не следует терпеть. Если индивидуальный опыт этого скорбит Потеря отношений, которые на самом деле не существовали а также Был в пользу односторонней части в пользу Ego -Массией с нарциссизмом. Минута партнер не согласен с Нарциссический человек или утверждает его или ее здоровые границы, нарциссистический человек разворачивает арсенал тактики злоупотребления. Безмолвная обработка - любимое оружие.

    Не принимайте эмоциональное насилие. Знайте, что вы достойны здоровых отношений с кем-то, кто может общаться в зрелой, эмоционально здоровой манере. Играть с кем-то У кого есть способность делиться лопатой и ведеркой. Вы заслуживаете не менее.

    © Copyright 2014 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Andrea Schneider, LCSW, Learning Difficulties Topic Expert Contributor

    The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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    • Toria

      June 2nd, 2014 at 2:58 PM

      Чтение Это позволило мне признать, что то, что я подозревал на давно сейчас, правда - мой парень использует молчаливое лечение против меня как оружие. Он может сказать все, что он Хочет, что он не делает, что он просто работает в своей голове, но я ясно вижу, как он делает то, о чем вы говорите здесь, в основном, что этот акт забирает Любой шанс для меня защищать себя или голоса мои проблемы и собственного гнева, потому что он никак не ответит. Это пассивный агрессивный, но он также такой несовершеннолетний. я думаю что Это время и # 8217 - время говорить кому-то вырастут или выйти.

    • Janice A

      July 5th, 2016 at 3:25 PM

      Спасибо за вашу четкую и лаконичную статью о бесшумном лечении & AMP; Нарциссы. К сожалению, обидчик в моем деле - моя дочь 37 лет. Она начала наказывать меня, когда я был признан в ICU и почти умер от почечной недостаточности. Она была замечательной, пока я был в больнице, но когда мое здоровье помешало мне вернуться к уходу и инвалидности означало Экстремальный сокращенный в моем доходе, она вышла и перестала принимать или возвращать телефонные звонки, тексты или электронные письма. Я был очень болен и самостоятельно, и больше не мог справиться, пока я не получил сила назад. Она была жестокой. Я много раз спросил, почему она относилась ко мне так. У нее никогда не было ответа. Даже смерть моей матери не изменила ее отношение. Это было 4 годы. Я медитирую и сосредоточусь на жизни моей жизни без нее. Боль подавляет иногда.

    • CHERYL

      July 27th, 2016 at 10:16 AM <Р> Эта информация помогает при общении с человеком, как это. Я работаю в небольшом офисе (2) людей и я & # 8217; Ве мириться с этим в течение 5 лет. Если она хочет что-то она будет говорить с вами. Остальная часть времени она не имеет ничего сказать, и она нападает на вас, если вы смеете говорить с ней. Очень полезно иметь дело с этой кашей.

    • Justine

      July 29th, 2016 at 8:13 PM

      I’m so sorry you’re going through that. It’s frustrating when someone you care about and love so much just doesn’t seem to care, especially a daughter. Counseling is very helpful and I think you would benefit from talking with someone about it. Good luck with your daughter, hopefully she will see the light.

    • Catherine h

      October 17th, 2016 at 5:20 AM

      I can totally understand how you feel. My son is 49 now and has been treating me with the silent treatment for ten yrs. I no longer see my grandchildren i hung on to my grandchildren as long as i could but for three yrs now i havent seen them. Its very hard situation but after all this time i know its his problem not mine. I miss him every day but i am happy in my life and he seems happy in his life. But i could never have treated my parents in this way but what can i do. I send you my sympathy and totally understand where you are coming from. Best wishes Catherine.

    • Paola Z

      November 12th, 2016 at 6:02 AM

      I’ve been living this situation since 2 years with the boyfriend I live with: everytime he does something that upsets me I overreact and tell him a lot of bad things (not using bad words but literally telling him the long lists of wrong things that bother me) or I send him a lot of long textes about that. Then he uses the silent treatment snd he refuses to interact with me no matter how I talk or I literally beg him to discuss about it. He says that I go crazy and He never wants to have something to do with me when I overreact. It happens that we don’t talk even for days until I say I’m sorry if I overreacted and said bad things for what I realise it’s an unimportant issue. I can’t say if I’ m the wrong one or he is, but he actually manages to controll me using this technique. I want to stop him doing that, i would really prefer if he would yell at me when I overreact or talk to me explaining why he thinks is right.

    • shawna

      March 9th, 2017 at 4:47 AM

      Your daughter may have a hard time coping with the thought of loosing you, by cutting you off now she wont have the sudden, uncontrolled loss that death brings. There is nothing harder than watching your loved one die. It is not right of her, it is cruel and very selfish, however it could nust be true.

    • Lea

      July 20th, 2017 at 7:39 PM

      Я спрашиваю, что если это моя 20 1/2-летняя дочь сейчас? Предположительно у нас есть хорошая связь, и мы все хорошо ладим за последние три года. Она не жила с Мне около пяти лет. Она переехала с ее папой, который был диагностирован как нарциссские годы назад. Это может быть унаследовано вполне возможно, а также экологически. Я и # 8217 Был интроспективным и отметил мои недостатки и недостатки и желаю, чтобы я мог сделать несколько вещей снова, но никогда не причинял ей. Единственное, что я могу думать, это было несколько Владения, где она кричала на меня, чтобы не оставлять ее с дедушкой и в другом случае уход за детьми, пока я ходил в школу или работу. Я был одиноким родителем. Когда ее папа вошел в ее жизнь, ей было почти 4 года. Она и у меня все хорошо, прежде чем это. Он взял на себя и создал так много стресса для меня, он сочетается к ней, я уверен. Во всяком случае, если У кого-нибудь похвалы, пожалуйста, молитесь за моей дочерью. Пожалуйста, также молитесь за отношения между нами. Она моя единственная дочь, и я не хочу, чтобы ее жизнь была запутана из-за того, что она делает. Это был родитель, у нее есть неуклянные раны. Почему вы относились к мне, как это нравится. Она дает мне спокойную лечение с конца мая. Идти Рисунок до того, как она отвез меня на обед, чтобы отпраздновать мать & # 8217; S день и мой день рождения. Я знаю, что она молодая, и она как иронационально психологическая майор в колледже. Это хорошо, что у меня есть друзья и великий муж. Это учит меня стать более сильным в моей вере в мои отношения со Христом. Это также помогает мне перенаправить мою сосредоточиться и жить и дай жить лучше. Никто из нас не совершенен, это точно. Другой удар, который у меня был в начале этого года, был моим родным братом сделал то же самое для меня только раньше Она дала мне молчаливое лечение, она высококритиковала мой тип личности. Это была средняя полоса, которую я никогда не видел ее раньше. Иди рисун, я защитил ее в детстве. Мне 10 1/2 года ее старший. Я предполагаю, что люди имеют проблемы, и нам нужно перестать обвинять себя. Быть тяжелым по нашему себя не собирается ничего не решать. Это то, что я говорю себе. Когда я осознать нашу вину или короткое приходя или что-то, чего я мог сделать неправильно, я могу просто попросить быть прощенным и верить, что я прощен. Я также прощаю других, хотя я Дон и # 8217; Не обязательно доверяйте ему позже. Я забыл упомянуть это ... Ее рассуждения могут быть, что она чувствовала, что я слишком часто пишешь ее. Это единственный способ для меня общаться С ней по случаю, что я сделал в течение последних нескольких лет. Я уважаю, что у нее есть жизнь, которую я всегда имею в противном случае, я бы не позволил ей жить с отцом, когда Она умоляла меня в 15 лет. Я очень пожертвовал. Таким образом, она могла иметь то, что она хочет, как много родителей, и теперь я чувствую себя как для чего? Там нет взаимной любви, очевидно. Некоторые люди просто полны из них. Да, мне больно, но я преодолею его один день за раз. Я собираюсь перенаправить мою сосредоточенность на том, что у меня есть - вместо того, что я не имеют. Я не позволю людям, независимо от того, насколько я их люблю, заставить меня чувствовать себя низким. Я ничего не сделал, чтобы заслужить это. Я надеюсь, что это поможет кому-то еще. Ваши жизненные вопросы так моя. Некоторые люди просто не стоят нашего времени, даже если у нас есть их любовь и иметь облигацию & # 8230; По крайней мере, мы думали, что сделали. Какой пробуждение звонит к человеческому несовершенному. Какой пробуждение Вызов, кому мы доверяем?

    • Anne

      June 30th, 2018 at 11:10 AM

      I have the same problem with my daughter, and she exhibits the same narcissistic tendencies as her clinically diagnosed father (Narcissistic sociopath). It is heart-breaking and you did nothing to offend her. She has to grow up, but probably never will. I have many women friends, who are or have gone through this process (one daughter refused to attend her mother’s funeral) and who are all educated, decent, loving individuals, and they do not deserve this treatment. The problem is if they have children, they are restricted from interacting with their grandparents, and that is a real crime.

    • Grace

      December 12th, 2018 at 8:08 PM

      Are you guys all serious with this pity party about your children not speaking to you? If that’s happening then I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this then it is highly likely that YOU are the problem, not your children. To cut out your parents from your life is an extreme act and only one that will be chosen after all other avenues of setting up a functional relationship have failed. It is not a decision that any human would willingly make unless there is no other choice available. It is usually a direct consequence for actions you chose to make as parents. None of you are taking any responsibility for your parenting. It is highly unlikely that your children are to blame for the breakdown in your relationship. YOU are.

    • Sheri

      June 11th, 2019 at 2:52 AM

      Hopefully Janice has read a bit more about narcissism since the 2016 post. I doubt she will have recognized that quite possibly she is the problem and not her daughter. If Janice has demanded sympathy and wailed about health issues the way she is carrying on in the above post, I congratulate her daughter for setting boundaries. Regardless of what has transpired in the past, your child does not owe you anything. Anything your child does for you should be appreciated graciously. People want to run away when you demand. I know Ive taken it for 50 years from my mother. My sanity has to come first from now on. I do not deserve the demands and whining and guilt trips. Im not taking it any more!

    • Jessica

      July 3rd, 2019 at 11:00 PM

      My mother is awful. Abandoned me from age 13 to 19 and blames me for pushing her away. I still speak to her. No contact is not something you do to a parent unless they continue to abuse you and endless trauma renders hope dangerous.

    • Cindy

      September 30th, 2016 at 3:52 AM

      I tried to befriend my Sister In Law against my husband’s wishes. He warned me. I did not listen. I even allowed her to call me names (like the brat she is) on a few occasions without calling her out…I just let it pass. The straw finally broke the camels back. I am done with her. I withdrew from her. Now she blames anything my husband her brother does or does not do, on me (he usually will NOT call her back, she has not seen me pestering him to return her calls…I won’t bug him ever again). I refuse to be the whipping post that both she and her mother would like me to be. Their own behavior lead my husband to distance them from his life LONG before I came into the picture. I admitted to my husband I should have listened to him….she IS CRAZY. With her you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Her half empty view on life and twisted outlook has left her with no friends at the age of 58. I gave up and have taken myself away from her. I don’t need her in my life. I have friends. My husband can make his own choices, he is a big boy, strong person, and totally capable of maintaining or continuing to speak to her. I’m not stopping him….he stops himself. So I am the person dishing out the silent treatment because interacting with her ends up with her calling me names and backstabbing….so what is the point of interacting with her, esp if my own husband hates interacting with her and my kids don’t like her and have no connection with her either. Distance seems to be the best solution. She blew it by being a brat and showing her true colors. My husband warned me “interact with her as little as possible”. I told him…”you were right, I should have listened to you and took your advice”. He liked that apology!

    • Browndog

      September 30th, 2016 at 8:46 AM

      Cindy, sounds like you just set healthy boundaries, which may have been what your husband was advising all along. Setting healthy boundaries is not silent treating. We have entered into a contract with our spouses, not with all of our in-laws. You can set healthy boundaries, and if that includes maintaining minimal contact, you will still not be committing abuse. Silent treating is different. Silent treating is abuse. It breaks trust. It violates agreements by willfully causing distress and harm. Imagine your husband silent treating you in your home, and I think that you will see how there can be a major difference.

    • Lex

      October 26th, 2016 at 7:01 PM

      До того, как кто-то, кто читает этот пост, выходит и сталкивается с человеком, который выступает выше, пожалуйста, посмотрите на свое поведение и действия, которые могут быть сами причина молчаливого лечения. Некоторые люди складываются, когда встречаются нарцисс. Нарциссчик читает этот материал, а затем проектирует то, что они чувствуют внутри на другой человек, как подразумевается, чтобы подчиниться этого человека. Безмолвная обработка является защитным механизмом, а не оскорбительным поведением. Люди действительно нужно остановить его с помощью и # 8220; злоупотребление Фактор & # 8221, большинство из того, что я читаю в Интернете, чистый мусор, когда дело доходит до психологического насилия.

      Еще одна вещь о тихое лечении, если они сделают это, и они и подруга, дают им пространство, около двух недель, если они не будут молчать больше, а затем рассказать Им это и # 8217; не эмоциональный способ, отрывайся и уйдешь. Не связывайтесь с ними, не держитесь, двигайтесь с вашей жизнью.

      Когда кто-то выиграл & # 8217; T Talk, давая вам молчаливое лечение, он не несовершеннолетний. Сюда и # 8217 сюда приехать сюда, схватить информацию, которая немного выключить базу и Примените его к кому-то, что не было психофанализировано профессионалом и не у вас. Не пытайтесь быть креслом психолога, вы делаете больше вреда, чем хорошо, как вы, а другим людям вы и # 8220; Pull & # 8221; Это на.

      Возможно, сама причина, почему люди молчат на вас, это то, что вы, постоянно пытаетесь попасть под свою кожу или пытаться манипулировать им, позвонив им имена или умственным расстройства, которые могут или не могут существовать в целевом человеке, с которым вы взаимодействуете.

      Многие люди дают молчаливое обращение с другими, потому что они нарушали некоторое социальное правило, что им преподавали, когда они были ребенком. Это и # 8217 к вам, чтобы выяснить Что это было. Возможно, вы и # 8217; re reging прямо мимо кого-то & # 8217 границ и вы даже не видите, что есть, что на самом деле довольно распространено людям, кого страдает от нарциссизма и расстройств личности.

      В основном, что я говорю, - сначала проверими себя и посмотрите, не причина всего шебанга, он и # 8217. Много людей Дон и # 8217; Т не хочу смотреть внутри себя и увидеть врага, но часто, где он / она прячется.

      Знать твой враг, знаю себя!

    • Browndog

      October 27th, 2016 at 9:11 AM

      Lex, I think that this article was written by a qualified author, is maintained by a qualified professional organization, and stands on its own merits. Judging from the number of discussion comments, this article has resonated with so many empathizers that it seems foolish to dismiss it. Victims of silent treatment rarely start out by making a pop psychology diagnosess of their perpetrator. They usually discover what is happening to them by virtue of suspecting that indeed they are the cause or deserving of the treatment they are receiving, and then going to a qualified therapist to eventually discover that such is not the case. One thing is certain, no adult can have either a healthy working relationship, friendship, or marriage with someone who refuses to communicate like an adult. Getting out from under the abuse of a silent treater does not require diagnosing the perpetrator any more than putting an end to being assaulted requires a diagnosis of the motivation of the assailant.

    • Cindy

      October 27th, 2016 at 9:53 AM

      Good advice. I am guilty of NOT responding more quickly to bad behavior from my sister in law over the last 33 years. I usually shook it off and went on like nothing happened, attributing her behavior to chronic pain (JRA) and life of being babied by her parents. I guess I am too old and tired to do that anymore….so I have decided to stay quiet rather than letting her verbally have it between the eyes. I have figured out how to avoid her these upcoming holidays I refuse to be a whipping post for ANyONE, anymore. And that is where I stand. Let her call other people names. MY husband continues to avoid her and not return her calls. I see why he does what he does….crazy and childishness is hard to deal with in another adult.

    • Andrea Schneider MSW LCSW

      October 27th, 2016 at 1:16 PM

      Hello “Lex”….with all due respect, you are missing the point…this article is specifically about Silent Treatment, which is an emotional abuse tactic employed by psychological abusers (which can include those with narcissistic tendencies)…You are mixing up No Contact, Silent Treatment and Ghosting…which are all different. I wrote an article about that here: andreaschneiderlcsw.com/blog/no-contact-the-silent-treatment-and-ghosting-whats-the-difference for further study. Best regards to you in your healing journey. A.

    • Andrea Schneider MSW LCSW

      October 27th, 2016 at 2:45 PM

      I would also like to add Cyber-predators and trolls also lurk about on forums and comment on blogs to extract narcissistic supply by attempting to elicit reactions (both positive and negative) from their virtual audience for from prior sources of narcissistic supply. Forums are “hunting grounds” for psychological abusers in that way…and especially after they have had a limit or healthy boundary set, those individuals who are showing evidence of psychological abuse tend to like to project their negativity onto former love objects or sources of narcissistic supply. Individuals who have narcissistic tendencies have great difficulty owning responsibility and having accountability for their actions. A former love object of an extreme narcissist may be in No Contact in response to the abuser’s Silent Treatment. She is proclaiming that she won’t take his B.S. any more.

    • wayne

      November 17th, 2016 at 7:32 AM

      I’d agree with Lex except this has gone on for about 3 years of the silent treatment on and off… Never any real dialogue just I don’t want to see you or talk to you until I am ready speeches…..sometime 2 weeks, some times a month or more….She liked for me to beg her and ask what was wrong….The boundaries of which you speak were broken by her- name calling, rage, inability to tell the truth….inability to apologize when wrong… emotionless in response and blaming when you retaliate verbally in the same manner as them… For example: My friend had my phone number but never calls me or text me…her apt got broken into and she called me and I was basically blamed for not coming to her aid quick enough… large argument ensued. Didn’t speak to me for weeks…So, sorry these people in here and the person who wrote this article may know exactly what they are talking about….Silent treatment is not bad if it last for a day or two, but when we move into weeks of non-communication and you still won’t talk about the real issues -well ..All I can say I learned something about them and myself…..I am a Virgo bent on fixing broken things but even I can’t climb Mt Everest with out some equipment to help me…..So lets get healed everyone!!!!

    • Noe'

      November 29th, 2016 at 8:58 PM

      Lex,..Thank You for Your Advice and Criticizm..I Respect It..You Started Out Very Innocently and Almost ” Got Away” from You there but, You reigned it in and finished strong…I just want to say very little , very little pertaining to My on going experience with Fiance’ I Should mention this although I really doubt it is a real factor, ..Long Distance Relationship!.. No trust issues ..It is just the determination and headstrong attitude of NOT WILLING TO ENGAGE IN IMPORTANT DISCUSSION OR DIALOG ON ANY CONCERNING OR MUTUALLY IMPORTANT MATTERS… I have looked at and Analyzed Myself , very carefully, thuroughly and honestly..I have spoken with ( unbiased ) others about this and asked for honest criticizm n feedback …Honestly?,.. I Have Probably Tolerated More Than I Should ?.. I Offer Up n Give Up Apologies that…really?.. I Get Nothing of Substance from Her..in way of Positive , Healthy, Productive ..Talk…

    • lisa

      December 19th, 2016 at 1:57 PM

      Oh great lets all take a hard long look at ourselves and our behaviour that may trigger silent treatment. Well it is abuse if someone needs time out then they could just say leave it a few days but they don’t. If your being stalked or abused and ignore them that’s a different matter. The majority of these people using silent treatment in their relationship is abuse at its finest. Lets face it if your a couple you do have ups and downs not ignore each other you ask for space not inflict cruelty for days and hours. I know only to well what this does to a persons wellbeing. Silent treatment is usually a red flag of someone who is nuts that’s the top and bottom of it. Its not a method used by normal people I had silent treatment for three days because I asked my partner not to call me names. You know when you have done something wrong and it warrants the other person some time out but I doubt that’s the case when your researching this type of behaviour. I think your comments are wrong and may cause people using this website to question their own sanity and feel they deserve silent treatment ABUSE

    • sue

      March 4th, 2017 at 7:19 AM

      Well said.

    • sad

      April 16th, 2017 at 9:35 AM

      Lex, you sound like the boyfriend I sent this article to. It can be healthy to take a break but nothing longer than a day or two. Using silent treatment as punishment is sick and abusive. If you need to spend weeks without talking to your loved one, I would think there are very serious issues. I could never discuss anything negative with my boyfriend or he would feel attacked. It did not start out this way. In the beginning he was so sweet and we could discuss anything. I have learned that was not his true self. People who can communicate and work through their problems are healthy, those who go weeks and months without talking to a loved one after an argument is abusive, and I agree more abusive than physical abuse. I was so very much in love with the man I met. He slowly unraveled me making statements that put me down when he was angry then would cut off contact on his phone and internet. I would desperately try to reach out to him in attempts to work it out and all I received was silence. It was only until he wanted to have contact again with me he would call and say how much he missed and loved me.

    • Benita

      May 27th, 2017 at 12:34 PM

      Cindy I so agree with you, my exe ignored me huffed with me until I said sorry. He only said sorry once because I was upset after a school run because I had not long miscarriared and he shouted he was nasty, but still felt was all my fault.
      When I suggested he moved back in with his mum because I was on benifits and he was working and I had children and did not want caught for benifit fraud. He was nasty and ended the realationship. He phoned me and text me loads afterwards while going to get my children from school. I ignored his phone calls and messages, because speaking to him he gained control
      Sometimes I had to ignore him and go think how I was going to respond to him or the situation. Narcs you can’t talk cas the don’t talk or shout to clear the air, they make it all about them and there needs make you feel worthless. So sometimes ignoring is not abuse it’s protecting yourself . Sometimes have to ignore adult phone calls so you can think probably what you gonna say and clear the instead of going on a rant and regret saying something you don’t mean. But never ignore or give children the silent treatment because that’s wrong. My exe I have little contact with him and mainly to discuss contact or updates on our baby. Which he looks like he loves him but don’t think he’s really interested in
      Him, just he lives in hope he can get to me

    • Vannie

      May 31st, 2017 at 6:43 PM

      It is very clear and most obvious after reading Lex’s comment, he or she is a flaming narcissist. I rest my case.

    • DK

      April 14th, 2018 at 2:01 AM

      It’s a cruel weapon. Silent treatment is a malicious tool used by the self absorbed narcissist type of person to manipulate others into conforming to narcissist desires. I know the difference. I’ve been in a relationship by marriage to one. I discovered I had my own issues of codependency, which attracted her to me. Her mom is one as well. Been around both for 30 years now. Trust me on this one, the author of this post is correct. Disassociating or withdrawing from a situation at times is what you are talking about, which is a healthy defense mechanism in a situation that has gotten out of hand. It’s a behavior tactic that healthy individuals use to straighten themselves out emotionally. Narcissist or the self absorbed do not have the acumen to self-reflect in healthy ways. They typically never apologize for any harm they cause. They tend to be master manipulators and wield silent treatment as a weapon of distruction without consideration of the damage and distress they are causing the other person to experience. I’ve stayed in my situation way too long. I ended up hurting my self emotionally and mentally trying to reason and rationalize with such people. They are impossible people. Living around two of them through me into a constant state of depression. I don’t know how to get out. The two I have been around are like “Jekyll and Hyde.” They can be charming at one time, then throw you under the bus in a blink of the eye. Every time I get ready to leave and finally take action, the charming routine kicks in. The silent treatment ploy is a very effective tool that draws you in. It’s a way to keep you chasing them and trying to figure out what you did wrong when you actually did nothing wrong at all. If you don’t agree with their position, then they use it to throw you in a tail spin. It’s definitely a weapon of destruction used to assail their target. It’s not simply a defense mechanism.

    • Anne

      May 3rd, 2018 at 9:41 AM

      I agree that each person is responsible to keep their side of the street clean. However when one person gives the silent treatment without ever explaining why and refuses to try to work on the relationship at all, that is immature behavior and abuse. This goes especially when it is a relative. You can change jobs, leave a partner, move, end a friendship, but you cannot change that the person is your child, parent, sibling, etc.. In these cases the person giving the silent treatment without trying to resolve anything is simply self centered and can’t be happy with themselves. I have a situation like this with a close relative. We have talked about the issues, we have both apologized, and I am diligently working on my issues. The other person is still giving the silent treatment randomly. I’m praying for them to receive the healing they need to have good relationships. As with most people like this they are having issues in many other relationships as well. I am not, just with this person. I think that says something.

    • Eric

      May 24th, 2017 at 8:46 AM

      Я пережил 2 года брака с скрытым нарциссой. Это был худший ад, воображаемый.
      Она часто играла на мой глубокий страх отказа от оставления (я неоднократно отказался, так как я был ребенком).
      Она использовала повторные оставления, чтобы выскочить меня постоянно действовать против наилучших интересов и даже эмоционального вреда моими собственными детьми, включить попытку Эмоционально вымогают меня отказаться от них для нее и ее детей.
      Она часто пользуется мной за деньги, в частности, погасить свои счета и долги в полном объеме, несколько раз. А также навязывая меня, чтобы сделать ее основную курсовую работу для нее в кормлении школа.
      Она была очень эмоционально оскорбительна, и молчаливое лечение было ее любимым и # 8220; Go-to & # 8221; Тактика между откровенными остатками.
      Во время оставлений она преодолела бы между контактом и открывает возможность примирения в различных степенях (включая обещания), внезапно сокращать контакт и Объявление отношений, чтобы быть и # 8220; навсегда и # 8221; Иногда в тот же день. Нет причин (кроме некоторых несовершеннолетних, тривиальных преступления и # 8211; скажем, я не был и # 8217; & # 8220; Фраза что-то справа и # 8221; когда разговаривать с ней).
      Она также внезапно отключила контакт и / или отношения, когда она верила, что нашла & # 8220; Улучшенный и # 8221; источник нарциссической подачи в форме других людей она станет заинтересованным. Обычно она вернулась только к желанию примирения только тогда, когда потенциал и # 8211; и хотя бы в двух случаях я был проинформирован о реальном & # 8211; & # 8220; новый шпильку & # 8221; Отклонил ее или DIDN & # 8217; ТАН ИЗМЕНЕННОСТИ, КОТОРОЙ, КОТОРОЙ ОЖИДАЮТСЯ.
      Она использовала возможность & # 8220; другой человек & # 8221; как форма пыток, а также. Перспектива, которую она бы в своей собственной пассивной агрессивной манере, хвастается перед мной.
      Когда столкнулся об этом, она бы яростно отрицала это, рассказывая мне, что я был & # 8220; Crazy & # 8221;. Но ее собственные сестры теперь стремились вперед и сообщили мне, что она была прямо Обман.
      Всякий раз, когда это будет выглядеть так, как будто я двигался, по крайней мере, на некоторое время, она даст мне истории рыдания (некоторые из них довольно странные, такие как ее работа & # 8220; принуждение и # 8221 Medicare Myud) Предназначен, чтобы обратиться к моей необходимости спасти ее.
      Теперь она нашла новые источники нарциссической подачи. Я считаю, я полагаю, в ее глазах осушал.
      Так что теперь я получаю тихое лечение, постоянно.
      Тем не менее, я должен убрать почти 100 000 долларов в долгах, стокал на моем имени. Разрушение моих отношений с моими детьми. Ближе разрушения моей карьеры. Потеря дома После моей карьеры был временно танкован. Любые сбережения истощены.
      Мысленно, я крушение. Я не только должен был выдержать психологические последствия ее психического (и о да, физическом) злоупотреблении, мне было отказано в каких-то шанс противостоять ей о том, что она Сделал со мной и моей семьей, через тихое лечение. У меня были несколько попыток самоубийства. Она даже не посещала меня и не проверила меня в больнице, один раз. Она увидела шрамы на моих руках Когда она вернулась в третий раз и буквально пошла по остальному дню в тот день, как если бы она ничего не видела. Это было как обычно.
      У меня сейчас кто-то, кто любит меня глубоко и очень дорого. Кто так тяжело борется, просто чтобы быть со мной, даже в ужасной стоимости. Я душу ее с любовью, которую мой бывший считал бесполезный. Моя любовь - это, наконец, отвечает взаимностью. Я люблю держать ее каждый момент каждый день. Потому что удерживая ее, я наконец-то держал.

      p.s. Очевидно, мой второй бывший сделал это с ее первым мужем (я был в браке номер три), а также. На самом деле ухожу со своими детьми, когда ее второй ребенок составлял всего 2 месяца Старый. И создавая ситуацию, в которой ему было трудно или невозможно увидеть своих детей. Затем декрировать его как и # 8220; муж и папа”.

    • Benita

      May 27th, 2017 at 12:57 PM

      Eric I know exactly how you feel I was lucky I was about two weeks away from getting married, I had a lucky escape. But still have contact but as little as possible if it was not for my special needs baby I would have none I’m thankyou for my wee miracle.
      Stay strong hope you find your way and be truly happy in your life xx

    • Priti

      January 3rd, 2018 at 11:58 AM

      To be honest I have used the silent treatment in instances where if I did speak I would end up saying something I would regret. I did not use it to hoard power over others.

    • gayb a

      March 6th, 2018 at 5:19 AM

      Im a narcissist and think my mom is really hot

    • Katie

      April 7th, 2018 at 4:01 AM

      Hope you can find the courage to move on. You’re to be commended for being able to identify the narcissistic behaviour. These types are extremely toxic and make life miserable for those the are able to manipulate. Wishing you all the best.

    • Eleanor

      March 13th, 2019 at 10:38 AM

      Мой & # 8216; Партнер & # 8217; Является пакистанским мусульмане, родившимся в Великобритании, с определенными аутизматическими характеристиками. Он живет в основном в своей матери и # 8217; чердак, и как обычно с Пакистанские семьи, многие члены семьи и поколения всех живут в том же доме. Я белая британская леди, и были в отношениях с ним в течение 6 лет, во время чего Время у него было несколько периодов ужасного поведения, после чего он отключился от мира в своем чердаке, отказываясь от еды и отказываясь общаться с кем угодно. Он никогда говорит с членами его семьи, с которыми он в основном живет, и относится к ним с презрением. Он тоже остается со мной тоже. Он относится к своей матери с презрением и рычал на нее Когда она обращается к нему. Пакистанские мусульманские самцы обычно рассматривают женщин чрезвычайно плохо, а в самом Пакистане 90% населения женщины страдают от ужасных злоупотреблений. Друзья, и проводит большую часть своего времени, глядя на свой компьютер, и скачивая на нем потрясающие предметы. Он также играет насильственных шутеров на своем машине PS4. Он одинокий. Он Работает водителем, но имеет мало интересов, предпочитая это одиночное существование. Я единственный человек, с которым он беспокоит. Сейчас он вошел в очередной период отказа от общения, И я не получил звонок или визит от него. Он играет в игру в снятие связи, привязанности и все действительно, чтобы причинить мне боль. Я не имею понятия почему! Последний раз, когда я видел его, я бросил его на свою мать & # 8217; S Дом и любезно пожелал ему хороший день на работе. Это казалось хорошо для меня. Но с тех пор он затонулся в без связи. Я не связался с ним или не справился с ним об этом странном поведении, так как я чувствую, что он надеется причинить мне боль и вызвать расстроенный ответ от меня. я чувствую Я должен быть сильным и разумным и подняться над всем этим. В прошлые времена, когда это произошло, его семья связалась со мной и спросила меня, что на земле они должны с ним делать с ним Он был глубоко неприятным и агрессивен для них тоже. Они позвонили мне в свой дом, чтобы обсудить, что делать с ним, и восхищались моего терпения в борьбе с его ужасное поведение. Для моей части, его поведение, без сомнения, результат нескольких расстройств личности, утомительно и расстраивает, чтобы сказать наименее. Мое терпение сейчас больше, чем растянулся, и было бы замечательно, если бы у меня был кто-то, кто любит, добрый, хорошо скорректированный и рад для партнера. Есть один способ, которым я могу положить конец своему частым злоупотреблениям, и это положить конец отношениям. Затем у него не будет возможности причинить отвратительное молчание, оскорбительное отношение мне больше.

    • Neil

      October 15th, 2019 at 9:01 AM

      I used the silent treatment against my wife. We have now separated. She would claim she wanted to talk, but over the years I learned that this meant she was feeling down and simply wanted to use me as an emotional punch bag. Tiny things would set this off, such as me offering to lend a friend some money or buying some cheese (!). If she didn’t have a reason, no matter how ridiculous, she would invent something, such as I had had affairs with her friends, just so that she could justify herself going on the warpath. I ended up with acute anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of bladder control, and was prescribed sertraline, which helped a lot. Eventually I found no other way to deal with her except by refusing to be drawn in to the explosion of emotions and resentment that she was trying to provoke. It was simply a release for her. I believe it was something taught to her by her mother, as her mother (currently on husband number 5) exhibited similar behaviour both towards my wife, to me, and to her then husband (number 4 – since deceased).

      According to the article above I am simply a narcissistic abuser. Maybe I am, or maybe things are not quite so black and white.

    • brighidclaire

      November 27th, 2019 at 2:50 PM

      Maybe she haas borderline disorder? Re-think anti-depressants. The withdrawal from them can be horrendous and they can affect your mood much in the ways you describe. Ignoring is meant to hurt the other person. If you did not intend to hurt her you are probably not abusing her. Maybe this is not a good match?

    • agatha

      June 3rd, 2014 at 3:41 AM

      If these are the sorts of games that you have to play then it is clear that you are not an adult enough to be in an adult relationship

      People who are mature? They can talk to each other and listen to what the other has to say without withholding either love or feedback

    • Cindy

      December 20th, 2016 at 1:41 AM

      Ahhh? Hard to do that when a person just wants to call you (me ) names and dig up imagined past deeds AND consistently ruin every holiday with their ‘subtle’ behavior. Boundaries can ‘look’ like silent treatment to some deranged people, when it is just boundaries that the other person does not like BECAUSE they just want to keep things the same and abuse the other person to make themselves feel better about ‘crap’ in their own life. I use to love the holidays, until spending them with my husband’s sister and mother, who hated anyone new that came into the family unit. I thought I was not trying hard enough to make a good relationship, until I saw them do it to my brother in law, and sister in law. I saw both MIL and SIL spread the bad behavior to them and they were kind and loving people. After I saw their behavior going after a new member of the family, I bowed out of trying to make my MIL and SIS happier with me, and laid blame where blame should be….on two unhappy people hell bent on making everyone else as miserable as they were feeling. My brother in law, just took it, like I did but my sister in law melted into a puddle of tears one day when her husband left her alone with his mom in the car. My BIL gave it to his miserable mother to leave his wife along or ELSE. The mother in law and her daughter went on a backstabbing rant accusing their new daughter/ SIL of having all kinds of power over her husband. My mother in law is dead, now. My children, the first grandchildren don’t miss her at all. My daughter thinks her grandmother went to hell. She was mean to my daughter when she was 3 years old. So….she is NOT missed and I don’t miss her evil ways, at all. She always said she was a Christian….ha, I have my doubts. My SIL continues and carries on her mother’s legacy. So …..we are all “giving her the silent treatment” by setting boundaries for her to live by …..she is not the mother of her two brothers. And she continues to ‘blame’ her brother’s silence on me, and my SIL…..not realizing her own bad behavior is the problem. So until she stops name calling, and screaming and accusing….I refuse to talk to her.

    • Cindy

      May 28th, 2017 at 1:21 PM

      My SIL is just plain….nuts. She likes to backstab and she hopes to not be caught in it….I guess. But if you put hateful things in an email, that gets sent to me….by accident, I guess she should be ready to apologize. She should expect a counter reaction….which is silence. I am NOT going to beg her to apologize. No raving….no confrontation…with words….just quiet disgusting silence. I should have NEVER tried to befriend her. I have plenty of good friends, she has none. And now I know why, she spread misery and hate and vengeance and meanness. She is just like her mother. I had hoped she would become more like her father, my FIL, who was a very kind person. Nope….she is her mothers daughter and not friend material, at all. My husband, and his brother are capable of thinking for themselves. Her emails condemn her and her own words condemn her. She has never said she is sorry for anything she has done over the last 35 years. I have. Nobody is perfect….but she thinks she is, I guess. I will never cook for, entertain her, invite her to events, give her free tickets, loan her my cottage, my kids, my time, my efforts. I am done with that woman. And she might write in to this thread and complain about not doing anything, the world is against her, she did nothing….nothing and she is treated like this by a cruel woman married to her brother and he should divorce her for the way she is treated……and we both, my husband and I go silent…and angry…and done with her…because she is NOT an adult.

    • Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

      June 3rd, 2014 at 5:15 AM

      Andrea, this is truly an outstanding article! I can’t thank you enough for continuing to write about this very important, but sorely overlooked and misunderstood form of abuse. I think that it is very important for more articles to focus on the strengths of the victims since far too often, it is assumed that the victim must somehow be defective to be sucked into something like this. This part of your article was the part I enjoyed the most:

      “The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve the greatly inflated misunderstanding, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person.”

      I say this because that part of the article shines a spotlight on the very reason why it is so difficult for victims to stop trying to reach out to the Narcissist to try and resolve the situation. I have found with many of the victims I have worked with that it is this reason for the silent treatment- “avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise” that causes them the most distress. Most victims of this type of abuse are just as you described- “high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, [willing to] work diligently”. They want more than anything to resolve the problem and be able to move on. In fact, I believe that it is because the Narcissists tend to mirror beautifully all of the qualities a victim wants or needs in a partner or friend, that victims are left desperately trying to reword and say in different ways things that will “bring back” the person they knew before. It doesn’t occur to them that the person they fell in love with never existed at all.

      I believe that once more victims are able to recognize these very strengths they posses that were targeted and manipulated, they may be able to find the path to healing more easily. The Narcissist has slowly convinced the victim that they are deficient and defective in many ways and the victim has slowly bought into this theory. For many victims, recognizing that they are truly strong people with much compassion, honesty, emotional intelligence and integrity is difficult to do. That’s how convincing these Narcissists are.

      Thank you so much for continuing to write about this very important topic, Andrea!
      Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

    • Ursula

      June 4th, 2014 at 12:43 AM

      Hi Michelle. I was just wondering if all narcissists use silent treatment?? I believe my ex fiancé has most of the traits but I don’t particularly remember him using the silent treatment so much… However, I one thing that he did a lot was if I tried to avoid speaking to him during an argument ( and say I wanted to be left alone, he would carry on throwing insults and making sure he had the last word, often until I snapped, which he revelled in! Also if I ever dared hang up on him over the phone, this was a huuuge crime to him!
      Just wondered what your thoughts are. I have been taking a while to recover from this relationship as a result of his emotional abuse.

    • Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

      June 4th, 2014 at 7:05 PM

      Ursula,
      Это очень хороший вопрос. Я не знаю, если все нарциссники используют молчаливое лечение для контроля своих жертв, но, безусловно, кажется, что многие, кажется, любят использовать для поддержания мощности и контроля в их отношениях. Безмолвная обработка часто цитируется жертвами нарциссических злоупотреблений как одним из самых болезненных & # 8220; наказания и # 8221; Нарциссские доны. Но я думаю, что может быть важно рассмотреть другие проявления тихого лечения. Я считаю, что там может быть мягче Версии молчаливого лечения, которые могут быть так же эффективными для привлечения поведения пострадавших и # 8217; более в соответствии с тем, что нарциссские требования. Я думаю, что я говорю, это Что я не считаю, что тихое обращение выглядит точно так же в каждом отношениях.

      Но также важно отметить, что существует множество стратегий, используемых эмоционально манипулятивными людьми, чтобы контролировать их поведение людей вокруг них. Тихое лечение только один из многих инструментов этой торговли. При попытке определить, был ли ваш ex iniace / - это нарцисс, это может быть не все, что полезно для вас, чтобы попробовать, если он вписывается во все Из описательных категорий вы будете читать в статьях, вы найдете о нарциссическом насилии. Один из отличительных признаков этого типа злоупотребления состоит в том, что это очень запутанное испытание Там, где жертвы много раз испытывают трудности действительно даже отождествляя точное поведение настолько разрушительно для них. Часто то, что произошло, имеет очень мало смысла вообще. Жертвы тратят большую часть своих часов бодрствующих часов после этих типов отношений, повторные события, которые произошли вновь и снова, просто просто пытаются указать из того, что случилось. Возможно, что когда вы продолжаете лечить, вы можете понять аспекты того, что произошло иначе, чем вы сейчас. На самом деле, я недавно написал статью о сложном процессе попытки поставить все эти запутанные части того, что случилось вместе. Если вы заинтересованы в чтении его, вы можете найти его здесь: SUVERIVESTHERAPISTABUSE.com/

      Дорога к восстановлению для жертв нарциссических злоупотреблений длинная, чреватая остановками и начинается по пути. Большая часть сложности можно отнести к травматическому Стрессовое расстройство, которое часто развивалось в результате постоянной & # 8220; выживание & # 8221; Режим жертвы жил в. Я также включаю ссылку на замечательный Статья о синдроме нарциссической жертвы, написанным женщиной в Ирландии по имени Кристина Луи де КанОНвилл: narcissicbistbehavior.net/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-what-the-heck-is-that/ Статья (и на самом деле весь сайт имеет выдающуюся информацию) помогает объяснить некоторые из Общие характеристики синдрома нарциссической жертвы, а также важной информации о восстановлении от самого злоупотребления.

      Я не знаю, если бы я сказал вам, это полезно для вас вообще. Я действительно надеюсь, что это было. Грустная часть всей этой ситуации состоит в том, что все психическое здоровье Профессия, кажется, очень далеко позади в понимании этого типа злоупотребления и разрушительные последствия, которые он имеет на пострадавших. Я очень благодарен для таких людей, как Андреа, которые Ужелительно работая, чтобы попытаться получить все необходимое осведомленность об этой проблеме, где она должна быть, где все это может увидеть. Теперь нам просто нужно больше людей, чтобы узнать Насколько важна эта миссия вам и многих, многие жертвы нарциссического насилия. Найти информацию об этом злоупотреблении и дороге к исцелению DONN & # 8217; трудно найти.

      Пожалуйста, дайте мне знать, если я смогу получить дополнительную помощь, Урсула.

      уважительно,
      Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

    • Richard E

      September 7th, 2016 at 11:47 PM

      I’ve just read your reply and it explains the article even better. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have been subjected to a relationship with a narssistist and have tried all the resolution and conflict resolution that you describe in your reply to what I perceived as problems in our relationship. This was meet with the silent treatment “not now” until one night she said we need to discuss how we are moving forward in our relationship. Great I thought at last. She then went onto say she had bought a house and was moving out. No attempt at resolution.
      I thought what can I do and have tried to be friends as you describe to rebuild our relationship.
      Thank you.

    • Betsy

      May 16th, 2020 at 8:34 AM

      Thank you so much for this desperately needed reassurance. I am currently suffering through another in a LONG line painful episodes of the silent treatment from the man I have been in love with for nearly ten years. He always relents eventually with seemingly heartfelt apologies and reflections, but is also capable of strange assessments/accusations that expose a distorted reality. The closer we get to making progress, the harder he runs away, and then comes back anxious to talk and figure things out. He can be kind and warm, humble, generous and affectionate, and we laugh easily and enjoy almost everything we do together; all the things that matter to me. And then heartless. I have been feeling increasingly baffled and ashamed and barely able to function, and beating myself up for not getting away. Your post gives me an explanation, and some hope that I can turn my energy from my “obligation” to this damaged soul I have tried to “help” to instead finally saving myself. It’s so hard to admit that I have let myself be abused.

    • Jill

      June 3rd, 2014 at 4:39 PM

      My husband accuses me of doing this to him all the time but for the love of Pete sometimes this is the only thing that will even clue him in that there is something wrong!
      Even when I try to tell him what I am feeling it is as if he completely tunes me out. If I stop talking though, well that seems to finally get his attention a little more. That’s really sad but it is kinda the way our home seems to be functioning right now.
      I ask if it’s that I otherwise talk too much about stuff that does not interest him and he says no but you know that’s not the vibe I get.
      I don’t like resorting to this but when you need someone to pay attention and this is the only thing that seems to do it then yeah, I will resort to that.

    • Andrea Schneider

      June 3rd, 2014 at 10:04 PM

      Thanks so much for your feedback, Michelle :)

    • Jordyn

      June 4th, 2014 at 1:37 PM

      It really is selfish when people behave this way. Kind of makes you look around and wonder for a sec if you have headed back to middle school

    • Morgan

      June 5th, 2014 at 3:31 PM

      It makes me feel like I am having to beg for attention and that is not the person that I want to be. I want to be strong and confident and that kind of beavior takes all of that away from me.

    • Andrea Schneider

      June 6th, 2014 at 5:00 PM

      Michelle’s comments are right on and excellent resources…thanks again, Michelle. You rock! Andrea :)

    • Renee

      June 6th, 2014 at 5:48 PM

      To clarify, if, after a particularly bad argument with my spouse ( who I suspect has been empoionally abusive for several years) I am not speaking to him much for 1-2 days because I am so hurt does this mean I am giving him the silent treatment? He may reach out to me, apologize, initiate conversation, etc. but I am hurt and angry and cannot face him.
      Am I being narcissistic…or self-protective? I am often so hurt I cannot speak to him nor do I believe he deserves to speak to me! Thoughts?

    • Amber

      November 30th, 2015 at 6:21 PM

      Renee, just my thoughts here….I don’t think what you’re describing is narcissism. If your husband does get emotionally abusive, your silence is the result of being hurt, as you say in your comment. There is a habit I’ve noticed with narcissists in my family: They never acknowledge their own hurtful behavior…NEVER. They just let time pass, then start interacting again as if nothing ever happened. To me, this compounds the hurt. I’ve become sickened by this behavior and often my silence toward them is from sadness…because experience has shown me it’s no use trying to “talk things out” with a narcissist.

    • Abigail

      April 16th, 2017 at 3:12 PM

      Amber you have jut described my husband to a tee , I’ve been married to him for almost 46 years he has been giving me the silent treatment for 5 weeks at this moment in time over some imagined offence and ignoring me as though I am invisible, treating me with contempt and trying to make me feel like a bad person, he is very controlling person and emotionally and verbally abusive for the slightest thing. I stopped feeling hurt long ago now I just feel weary with the whole thing, my children are grown up with families and are constantly pleading with me to sell up and leave him but I can’t face the hell it will cause. These narcissistic people will never change because they are incapable of taking responsibility for their behaviour and blame everyone else nothing is ever their fault I say to any young couples do you want to spend the rest of your life unhappy and disappointed wishing you were someone else?

    • X

      June 6th, 2014 at 6:29 PM

      I managed to get out of such a relationship to find he had been hiding in the bushes in the grounds where I live watching me at night with binoculars he himself told me and seemed very proud of himself, I was terrified that someone could do that to another.

      My life was made hell by such a man he hid in the bushes watching me at night and would phone me and I did not know he was there till I was so scared he told me and he was so proud of himself. I finished it in the end and never want to hear from him again, over two years he made me so unhappy and no one deserves that

    • Amber

      November 30th, 2015 at 6:23 PM

      Next time he does that call the police.

    • Fran T

      June 6th, 2014 at 10:40 PM

      Could you cite some good material regarding how a parent should deal with a narcissistic son?

    • Andrew

      June 7th, 2014 at 4:46 AM

      I came to the stark conclusion that perhaps I was in a relationship with a ‘narcissist’ and have found forums like this useful – just knowing that I’m not alone with how I feel is good. I still find dealing with the aftermath of my relationship difficult (even after 2 years) to the extent I’ve now gone for Psychotherapy.

      However, what I find problematical about what is being said here, is the labelling of people as ‘narcissists’ – as them as ‘abusers’ and us as ‘victims’ – it has the feel of black-and-white thinking – of good and evil – it takes us away from the complexities of what makes up a relationship. I don’t want to understand the hurt and suffering in those terms – there must be a bigger picture of why some people have those traits that we label as narcissists – and we have to ask ourselves why it hurts so much being with such a person – what has been our part in that relationship – why do we find it so devastating?

    • Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

      June 8th, 2014 at 6:00 PM

      Andrew,
      Вы поднимаете очень хорошую точку. Реальность такого типа злоупотребления состоит в том, что она очень сложная, а межличностная динамика, которые связаны с отношениями, которые мы маркируемся AS & # 8220; Нарциссиальный & # 8221; очень сложны. Я считаю, что Андреа пишет о одном аспекте этого типа отношений, что означает, что она подчеркивает определенные Характеристики о чем-то, что это много, гораздо больший процесс. Есть целые книги, посвященные идентификации и объяснению многих, много важных элементов этого типа отношение. Тем не менее, я лично обнаружил, что это не все, что очевидно, где найти эту независимую информацию о динамике при воспроизведении в нарциссических отношениях. А. Пара ресурсов я наткнулся:
      1.) Книга, преследующая душу: эмоциональное насилие и эрозия идентичности, Amazon.com/stalking-soul-marie-france-hiirigoyen/dp/188558699x

      2.) Сайт - Roadshow для терапевтов. Отличная отправная точка, чтобы начать чтение на этом сайте narcissicbistbehavior.net/category/narcissicistic-victim-syndrome-whot-the-heck-is-that/ Теперь весь этот сайт фантастичен (ссылки на правой стороне страницы помогут вам перемещаться по содержанию).

      Я лично обнаружил, что это имеет решающее значение для моего собственного исцеления, чтобы признать и изменить способы, которыми я занимался деструктивным и # 8220; танец и # 8221; принадлежащий Нарциссические отношения (объяснили больше в ресурсах, которые я только что упомянул), чтобы нарушить цикл продолжения отношений такого рода. Я нашел в работе с Выжившие нарциссические злоупотребления, которые, как человек начинает лечить от этого типа злоупотребления, они осознают предыдущее нарциссическое злоупотребление ранее в их жизни. Это почти как Если предыдущие предательства злоупотреблений их терпеть позже злоупотребления. И сам этот процесс является очень сложным процессом, который развивается со временем. Сайт, который я упомянул во втором ресурсе делает фантастическую работу по объяснению больше об этом & # 8220; Princing & # 8221; эффект.

      Я надеюсь, что я написал вам полезно. Я думаю, что вы найдете, как узнаете все больше и больше о нарциссических злоупотреблениях, что это довольно многословная динамика. Я верю, что это Часть того, что делает исцеление от нее такой длинный и сложный процесс. Как правило, не о человеке, выздоравливая от одного и # 8220; плохой & # 8221; отношение. Это намного больше.

      уважительно,
      Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

    • Andrew

      July 1st, 2014 at 1:31 PM

      Thank you Michelle for your message, advice, and links to resources – I’m sorry I haven’t replied earlier because I do appreciate your help – it was interesting what you said about abuse priming someone for future abuse. I’m hoping I will come to some understanding of the complexity of it all with an open heart and mind.
      Kind regards
      Andrew

    • Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

      July 2nd, 2014 at 3:28 AM

      Андрей, пожалуйста, не извиняйся. Я с облегчением, чтобы узнать, что некоторые из информации, которую я поделился, может быть вам полезен. Там действительно так много, что мы можем найти о Сами посредством исцеления от этого типа злоупотребления, но иногда он может чувствовать немного подавляющее время. Вопросы, которые вы спросили в вашем посте, кажется, указывают мне, что вы Понять на некотором уровне, что весь этот процесс будет включать в себя большое ямовое отражение. И это понимание будет очень полезно для вас, когда вы двигаетесь вперед.

      Я когда-то услышал аналогию, которая, казалось, значит много смысла. Аналогия заключалась в том, что исцеление от нарциссических злоупотреблений включает в себя рода и # 8220; лук эффект & # 8221;. Это может Звучит глупо, но идея состоит в том, что есть слои исцеления, которые мы проходим - каждый слой зависит от успешно и терпеливо допустить себя проходить через слои до. То, что я нашел в своем собственном исцелении, заключался в том, что я начал изучать нарциссическое злоупотребление в попытке исцелить, я понятия не имел, что мне пришлось сделать восстановление. не имел представления Где я действительно был больше, так что нахожу путь назад, почувствовал себя совершенно невозможно. Это могло быть самой страшной частью - не совсем зная, где я был (или кто я был) больше. Все я Была ли воспоминание о том, чтобы быть сильным, счастливым человеком одновременно в моей жизни, и я знал, что хочу вернуть себе путь к ней. Это было там, где я начал свое путешествие.

      Но чтобы быть действительно честным с тобой, я понятия не имел, куда я собирался. Это было не так, как будто я мог сказать себе, & # 8220; я здесь сейчас, и мне нужно перейти туда, чтобы начать Лечить & # 8221. На самом деле, это было действительно только заднее, что могу сказать, что похоже путешествие. Только сейчас, оглядываясь назад, что я могу сказать вам, насколько далеко я должен был пойти вернуть мою личность. Когда я начал свое путешествие к исцелению, действительно все, что я мог сделать, было выучить столько, сколько я мог бы о тех концепциях, которые казались последовательными с тем, что у меня было опытный. Были бы времена, когда я начну чувствую немного сильнее только для того, чтобы быть постучаться в мою задницу с помощью некоторой памяти или спусковым крючком, который напоминал мне о какой-то другой аспекте из того, что случилось, что я еще не выяснил. Раньше меня беспокоило, что, как я начал чувствовать себя намного сильнее, я бы все еще иногда был временно взят Из-за комиссии в память или осознание того, что в этом путешествии был какой-то другой компонент, который я не обработал. Это было где и # 8220; эффект лука & # 8221; сделал много смысла. Когда я прошел через процесс исцеления, я понимал, что случилось, и что это означало обо мне. Как я позволил себе обрабатывать Эти слои, мой мозг позволил мне взять больше того, что случилось, как я был готов. Чтобы попытаться понять все это сразу будет совершенно подавляющим для любого сострадательный человек. Нам практически невозможно распознать на начало исцеления от этого насилия, насколько нам пострадали. Как правило, много травмы вовлеченный. Однако, потому что большая часть этого злоупотребления не является физическим, нам трудно признать, насколько это было разрушительным. И пока это может почувствовать, что наш мозг был всасывается Время от наших головок из-за этого насилия правда в том, что наш мозг тщательно защищает нас от приема слишком много, слишком рано. В какой-то момент я начал осознавать, что The & # 8220; триггеры & # 8221; Я испытал на самом деле важные идеи, которые помогут продвинуть меня вперед на следующий этап исцеления. Однажды я смог увидеть это, я научился Будьте очень терпеливы с собой, когда я бы испытал триггер. Я бы позволил себе иметь столько же времени и пробелов, так как мне нужно было чувствовать себя в безопасности и обрабатывать важное послание, которое было присуще откровению (триггеру).

      Для многих жертв этого типа злоупотребления мы были медленно и # 8220; Promed & # 8221; предыдущим нарциссическим злоупотреблением хотеть отчаянно доказать себе и другим, что Неудачные отношения, которые мы испытали до того, как не было никакого недостатка, пытаясь сделать отношения работы. Мы понятия не имеем, что за большую часть нашей жизни мы были настроены, чтобы провалиться Сами люди мы построили нашу жизнь вокруг. Поскольку нарциссцы являются главными проекторами, мы купили в идею, что мы были теми, с проблемами и недостатками. Как мы Начните исцелить из этого типа злоупотребления, то, что мы иногда находим, состоит в том, что мы не исцеливаем из одного разрушительного отношения, но несколько (и в некоторых случаях, много). Когда Вы спросили в своем первом посте здесь, и # 8220; что наша часть в этих отношениях и # 8230;? & # 8221; Вы ударили на действительно хороший вопрос. & # 8220; грунтовки & # 8221; Я упомянул, что мы желая доказать в следующих отношениях, мы находимся в том, что мы хорошие люди. Большинство жертв понятия не имеют представления, насколько хорошими нарциссами находятся на определении невероятно уязвимых людей В частности, люди, которые отчаянно говорят, чтобы дать все, что они должны иметь отношения, чтобы доказать себя. Придя, чтобы понять все это, когда мы исцеляем, больно. По моему мнению, Распутывание этой картины быть установленным на провал - это то, что делает исцеление от этого злоупотребления, займет так долго. У нас много разгарной!

      Как вы читаете и узнаете больше о нарциссическом злоупотреблении, пожалуйста, будьте терпеливы с собой. Я могу сказать вам, что, хотя путешествие к исцелению длинное, вид на другую сторону в поистине удивительно. Будьте готовы узнать так много о себе.

      Мои мысли с вами, Эндрю.
      Michelle Mallon MSW, LSW

    • Fernando

      March 4th, 2017 at 9:29 PM

      Mystery. That could be the answer to your questions. I’m not sure the abuser has a good reason to use the silent treatment. Get to know yourself. Have a healthy self esteem. Continue to have love and compassion. Don’t let people change you.

    • Les

      August 18th, 2017 at 3:32 PM

      Когда вы & # 8217; повторно ребенок-жертва два самовлюбленных родителей. Это черно-белое. Моя мать злоупотребляет меня, так как я был малышом. Как это любая моя вина? Это продолжал все в моем детстве и даже сейчас, в возрасте 50 лет я все еще получаю злоупотреблял. Я ничего не сделал. Я действительно приют & # 8217; т. Моя мама даже говорит мне, что я никогда не давал ей время & # 8217, S неприятности растут! Я был один из тех высокой академической успеваемости, которые потратили все свое время, читая книги и делать домашние задания. Didn & # 8217; т есть парень, & # Didn 8217; т пить, & # Didn 8217; т дым, & # Didn 8217; т наркотики. Был слишком уступчивый, уважительно и спокойно. И все-таки я был жертвой страшного имени призванию, обвинения, вина, положить спады, контролируя поведение, и клевета на всю жизнь. Все, что я пытался сделать, это работать тяжело и усердно учиться и быть успешным в жизни. Быть хорошим человеком, хорошая жена, и Хорошая мама. Но здесь и # 8217; S вещи, тем лучше человек, я стараюсь быть более оскорбительной она получает. Таким образом, вы знаете, с narcisisist там действительно ISN & # 8217; т & # 8220; обе стороны & # 8221; из истории. Если вы & # 8217; Ве был выбран в качестве своей жертвы, то это Безразлично & # 8217; т независимо от того, как вы себя ведете, вы злы в их глазах.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      June 7th, 2014 at 11:49 AM

      @Renee…yes, that would be considered doing the silent treatment or stonewalling…that doesn’t mean you are a narcissist, but I would definitely recommend that perhaps couples treatment to learn some communication tools that are constructive. See John Gottman’s work and “The Four Horsemen of the Apolcalypse” in his writings. @Fran— see my other articles (links in this article) which have a detailed bibliography for further reading — I like The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Ellen Payson, MSW, who address family relationships and also work relationships. :) Narcissism can be an issue in family and work relationships in addition to love relationships, and many books address all these aspects. @Andrew…this article addresses issues specifically with malignant narcissists/toxic relationships…of course, people are multi-faceted and some people may just have “traits” of narcissistic behaviors…those individuals may have insight and the potential for growth. If you read my previous articles, you will see what I am talking about…in no way do I believe people are as simple as black/white/good/evil…again, these series of articles address individuals who are survivors of relationships with toxic individuals who exhibit major qualities of malignant narcissism. Please read the previous 3 articles and you will see where I am coming from. Ok, folks, thanks for the feedback…I am going “unplugged” for a while….have a great summer. Andrea :)

    • Rosemary

      June 7th, 2014 at 6:08 PM

      What if the Narcissis is the Therapist?

    • Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

      June 8th, 2014 at 5:40 PM

      Rosemary,
      That is a very good question. I can tell you my own personal experience that therapists can be Narcissists and it can be horribly destructive. Unfortunately, because Narcissists tend to gravitate towards professions where esteem and trust is automatically accorded to them, the counseling profession is an ideal profession for Narcissists. It would be incredibly convenient if we could lump all Narcissistic therapists into one profile and say that they all behave a specific way but the truth is that it is so much more complex than that. What I am trying to say is that my experience with a Narcissistic therapist is just that- my experience. I have spoken with other victims of Narcissistic therapists and there are some commonalities with what I went through, but there are also some differences. In my situation, I had brought my children to the therapist for counseling and he convinced me that I could help my children if I saw him as well. I believed him. Shortly after he stopped seeing the children. He seemed so competent at first. By the time the emotional abuse began I ignored red flags and alarm bells that were going off in my head simply because he had earned my trust. When I finally refused to see the abusive therapist anymore I could barely function. I had gone from being a woman who had her head screwed on straight (I didn’t need or have a therapist prior to taking my children to see him) to a woman who couldn’t make the simplest decisions without conferring with her therapist. It took me a very long time after I refused to see this therapist any longer to understand what really happened in the relationship. The therapist I finally got up the courage to see after the abusive one was not familiar with Narcissistic abuse. Although she was very supportive, she was not able to help me understand that the terrifying PTSD symptoms I was experiencing and the trauma bonding were a very normal reaction to the destructive emotional abuse I had endured. That insight came after I stumbled upon the victims’ advocacy group TELL (Therapy Exploitation Link Line). If you believe you may have been harmed by a therapist, please visit this site at therapyabuse.org. I am extremely grateful to all of the people with this group for the ways in which they helped me reclaim my identity and my life.

      I hope this has been helpful, Rosemary.

      Respectfully,
      Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

    • Diane Lemos, CACII, LAC, LCSW

      June 9th, 2014 at 10:57 AM

      Growing up with a narrcisitic parent, I was often up set with his inability to take responsibility. Even as a therapist, I tried to stay in connect with my father but so many times I have ended up hurt.
      As a therapist, I work with many clients who either struggle with a partner or a parent who is a narcissist. Together, we look at that person traits and I use the DSM 5 to help my clients understand the disorder better. We work on coping skills and sometimes I support the client to disconnect from the person.
      Thanks for article… as therapists, we need to continue to talk about this subject.

    • Katie

      June 29th, 2014 at 1:38 PM

      I can certainly relate to this very informative information. Thanks for the insight. My ex was like this, he would sit in stone silence for days, and when I asked what was wrong, he would give a cold glare and say ‘nothing’, and continue. I finally divorced him and he carried out his promise to make my life hell, now 25 years later our 3 children are behaving just like him. He has won them to the dark side and are now estranged from me, and basking in his wealth, and pathology. It makes me sick, but is helpful to know the cause. Thanks.

    • Sam

      July 5th, 2014 at 11:59 PM

      Эта серия постов была настолько невероятно полезной для меня. Мне 3 месяца после 6-месячного отношения междугородние отношения, которые внезапно закончились, когда сказали, что ее чувства внезапно исчезли, Когда дела тоже и # 8220; реальный & # 8221;.

      Все, что вы написали, было так, как будто вы сидели здесь, слушая на каждом разговоре I & # 8217; в моей собственной голове, так и с моим бывшим средством. Так много ее личности И взаимодействия со мной заложены голые. Тихое обращение - она ​​ходит в оружие. Есть абзацы, которые буквально почти слова для слов сообщений, которые я отправил ей, пытаясь объяснить, как Я чувствовал, как на пути, так и на расстоянии в течение этого периода времени. Я пытался дать свое пространство / время, когда она попросила об этом, я попросил границ, которые я мог бы понять, она дала мне ничего не обратно в течение нескольких месяцев. Я поехал от того, чтобы быть ежедневной всеми потребностью в ней в течение 5 месяцев, чтобы буквально не во второй мысли в ее голове, почти в одночасье. Я получил это Ползучая смысл, что я встречался с эмоциональным подростком, но я думаю, что 5-летняя метафора более точной.

      Я был в терапии и сосредоточився к исцелению здесь, но не смогли добраться до тех пор, пока не смогли сплошных ответов, которые нужен мой рациональный ум, пока я не прочитал эти посты. Отсутствие Разумность или смысл для поведения - самый тревожный аспект всего этого. Я прочитал много других отношений, разбившихся / нарциссизм темы в Интернете. Большинство продают Что-то и многие более хорошо намерены, но наклонялись в сыром личном опыте и боли. Это первая объективно клиническая взять I & # 8217; найден с акцентом на то, что Жертва чувствует, и оно описало меня.

      Я хотел бы, чтобы вторым чувство, что сосредоточившись на позитивах кого-то в роли жертвы здесь, как правило, имеет. Мой бывший GF у меня так запутался и допрос так много моего Собственная личность, & # 8220; что и не так и не так и # 8221; Тип мышления, особенно после того, как я просто вышел из своего собственного болезненного развода и чувствовал, что я просто вернулся вместе и готов к любви снова. Я начал задаваться вопросом, был ли я нарциссским и высокомерным, требуя слишком много (как будто прошу *, возможно, * проверить один раз в неделю для Пару минут по телефону или через текст требует !!), который по иронии судьбы - это то, что привело меня на этот сайт.

      Это и # 8217 - удивительно, насколько энергии ваше положительное внимание только что было на моей самооценке. Чтение того, что вы написали напомнили мне, что я всегда был подлинным с моими эмоциями, боль И удовольствие, и что это неплохой вещь быть честным и открытым о чувствах, что я действительно забочусь, как другие люди чувствуют и могут сопереживать. Просто чтение, которое очистило столько скрывается неуверенность в себе. Большое спасибо.

      Так что здесь и # 8217 - еще одно измерение. Ее экс-муж десятилетия был / представляет собой 11 о нарциссизме 1-10-х годов и, вероятно, несколько других расстройств до такой степени, как физическое и устное Злоупотребление и под угрозой угрожающие другие (то есть целая другая история с участием полиции и возле преследований преступления). Это интересно, что она, безусловно, является жертвой Долгосрочное суровое нарциссическое злоупотребление, возможно, пожизненная жертва менее агрессивного нарциссизма из ее родительских отношений, и в то же время преступник.

      Это общий? Есть ли надежда на кого-то, чтобы преодолеть эти черты в такое контекст? Она также имела долгий постоянный терапевт, который я думаю, возможно, 20+ лет, который Является ли одна из причин в безопасности, что она будет относительно вряд ли быть вредным человеком в наших отношениях. Но здесь мы.

      Я искренне любил человека, которого я узнал рано в отношениях, и если бы что-то, что я мог сделать, чтобы помочь ей, я бы тоже и # 8230; Но я понимаю, что я, вероятно, может & # 8217; потому что она, вероятно, никогда не существовала. Я определенно скорбирую потерю фантазийной женщины, она продала меня, и пытается понять, как я могу доверять себе, чтобы позволить кому-то еще снова без запуска паранойи.

      Я не виню ее за что-нибудь. Я просто думаю, что все это очень грустно, все это & ​​# 8230; что мы наносим эти раны друг на друга как людей, и кажется, Цикл передал покорно :(

    • andrea s.

      July 6th, 2014 at 12:37 PM

      Sam–I am glad that the articles helped you. Human beings are multi-dimensional, and when we talk about narcissism in these articles we are talking specifically about individuals who have substantial challenges on the high end of the spectrum of narcissism, with difficulty seeing insight and how they can cause emotional harm to their significant others…to answer your question, sorry for your loss, and I hope that you have psychological support in place. Yes, it is common for someone to have such traits and for the origin to lie within the context of how she was raised…in terms of being helped, it all depends on her motivation and severity of of entrenched patterns–those who are very far on the spectrum of narcissism closest to sociopathy will have, unfortunately, limited progress…those with “traits” (which we all have) and insight, stand a much better chance of moving through and growing…I wish you the best…Andrea

    • Terri

      July 10th, 2014 at 9:20 AM

      I am now recognizing that I have been married to a narcissist for 43 years. I receive the silent treatment on a regular basis. I retired from teaching 3years ago and have really felt the adverse affects of this since my retirement. When I worked, I knew I was very good at what I did and felt good about having a positive impact on the lives of my students and their families. I still have contact with some of my students. We have two sons and we have 5 grandchildren. Thank goodness for them or I would be wreck!! As my husband ages, I believe his behavior has gotten worse. He’s still working, they love him!! He is a perfectionist with his work, so I can understand why they think he’s the greatest. It has taken me years to figure all of this out!! As I read the other comments I can see I’m not alone. I have certainly figured out that my husband’s family is VERY dysfunctional. Both his mom and his dad had or have issues. His sister is a complete mess and very hostile, depressed and manipulative. To be honest, after 43 years,I’m exhausted! To leave, because of complicated property issues, I would have to sue my 89 year old father in law to even get my 1/2 of our property. I just don’t have the energy!! I finally looked at my sister one day and said,”Where the heck have I been that I didn’t see this more clearly?” I have always seen the glass as half full……now it just looks empty.

    • Lynn

      July 11th, 2014 at 1:52 AM

      Terri
      Just to let you know you are not alone. My 2nd husband of only 3years just goes silent for no reason whatsoever,or at least none that he will let me know of,I find myself constantly looking at what I may or may not have done to annoy him and it is both frustrating and very upsetting. When confronted he will never say what the issue is and always make it look like he is perfect and uses the phrase ” oh it’s just one of your moods” which constantly makes it look like its in my imagination but it isn’t as I am never “in a mood” when he does this as it happens regularly. Living with him has been a nightmare and my spirit is well and truly broken the stress of these silences has affected my health badly. I am starting to read about this and have found so many psychologists who say this is a passive aggressive way of mental abuse and causes stress to the victim am starting to believe that is exactly what is going on. The advice is try and talk it through but if the person will not speak to you it is impossible and he goes into the silent routine so quickly it would mean yet another silent period so I hold my hands up and say I put up with it. My first marriage lasted 23 years and we used to have a row now and again like most couples but at least it aired any problems and we had and we were able to move on and even though our marriage ended it had nothing to do with rows or lack of communication so I cannot know how you have put up with it for so long as I am already considering how I can end this awful marriage, if that is what you can call it, as it has turned something that could have been good and happy and turned it into misery how can you love someone who treats you in this way so it has killed the feelings I had for him in too short a time.
      I am sorry to say I don’t have an answer for you but the people that do this don’t realise what damage they are doing to their partners and their marriages and are too wrapped up in themselves to see what is going on in front of their noses.
      Be strong Terri I really do understand your dilemma.
      Lynnxxx

    • Terri

      July 11th, 2014 at 9:36 PM

      Thank you Lynn, I appreciate everything you shared. I think I have been able to deal with it because I’ve always been very resilient. I’ve ‘always been a happy, outgoing person. I am beginning to feel that my optimism was also detrimental. When I was teaching and my kids were home, I always just tried my best to work around the situation. Now that I’m retired, it’s not as easy. I don’t have a job to go to where I am valued, and loved by kids, parents, and staff. I feel for my husband……I now recognize the abuse that he suffered growing up. My dad was a little moody, my mom was a sweetheart,so when the very first silent treatment”punishment happened……I didn’t have a clue as to what the heck was happening!! My husband never valued my job as a teacher, not that I needed him to, but it would have been nice. I don’t think I’ve heard,”I’m sorry” and that’s exactly how his family operates, they have no respect for each other. As I said, our property issues are so complicated in this family, I don’t have any energy to fight them. His family has,for the most part,been good to me, except for my sister in law. I can definitely see how this has effected my oldest son, fortunately he sought counseling.my youngest son, who was the apple of his dad’s eye is doing very well. I’m grateful that I have been provided for, I never had to work, but, I’m strong willed enough that I wanted my own money!! This probably sounds all garbled, It’s been a long and busy day. I appreciate that there are others who understand how challenging this is.

    • Terri

      July 11th, 2014 at 9:46 PM

      One one thing Lynn! I looked at my husband one day and said,”Your mad on Monday runs into your mad on Tuesday, which runs into your mad on Weds, just so you know, by Thursday, I really don’t care why you’re mad!” I try to stand up for myself, however, it is usually out of complete and total frustration.

    • MaryL

      October 10th, 2014 at 10:03 PM

      Terri your story could be my story. I’ve taught for 40 yrs and I want to retire but have put it off because I don’t want to be home with my N spouse. He is still working but he works out of our home. He has always devalued my job to my kids and anyone else who will listen to him. He is fond of the silent treatment and practices his craft at least once a week. Know you are not alone .

    • Rebekah

      July 27th, 2014 at 10:28 AM

      Can someone please help with finding a qualified professional. I’m willing to travel to see them. I’ve had very discouraging experiences in my efforts to find and talk to someone who understands and has knowledge of the extent of what I’m going through. Reading this article on narcissism and the article about emotional abuse described word for word what I’m enduring and have been enduring for 4 years. In actuality I feel my situation is much more severe/complicated then what’s being described. I’ve been reading a lot lately on my own as self help but most things just reaffirm things without helping. I’m truthfully at a loss, feeling trapped, isolated, and more alone then I ever have. I’m in Northern Ohio but I’m willing to drive a couple of hours to surrounding states for good honest help and understanding. Any information, resources, or even advice on where to find resources will really help. Finding this article has given me a little hope that the possibilty of professionals who understand these things do exist.

      Sincerely
      Rebekah

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      July 28th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

      If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can find one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

      If you’re looking for a counselor who practices a specific type of therapy or who deals with specific concerns, you can complete an advanced search here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

      Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    • Kay

      August 9th, 2014 at 3:09 PM

      When I read your story and how long you have been going through this silent treatment it sounds exactly like what I’m going through myself for about 5 yrs now . I found out that he is remarried just recently and I hope that my world will get back to normal but, so far it has not . The silent treatment is so bad that it’s everywhere I go , when shopping , to Drs. Everywhere . I used to have lots of people that I thought were my friends but , not anymore . My neighbors no longer speak to me with the exception of one . And I fear that I will lose them like I have everyone else . If anyone out there has any advice please I’d love to hear it . Thank you all in advance . I read everything I can find about this matter. Another bad thing about what is happening to me is that when I do try and explain to someone what I’m going through it just sounds crazy . But , I can tell you this if anyone out there has ever gone through this you will totally understand how horrible this thing really is . I’ve tried to contact him in the past to see if I could talk to him in order to try and understand and even make things right with him but to no avail it never works . As a matter of fact I think it makes it worse .

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      July 27th, 2014 at 4:00 PM

      Rebekah…Michelle Mallon, MSW (posted above)…is in Ohio and can direct you to local people. You are also welcome to email me and we can discuss other options…
      Andrea

    • roy

      October 20th, 2014 at 6:41 PM

      Hi

      I am looking for help with a ex girlfriend who maybe a BPD case. I live at atlanta and work at baltimore. Can you help me ?

    • GoodTherapy Admin

      October 21st, 2014 at 8:10 AM

      Dear Roy,

      Thank you for your comment. You can search for a therapist or other mental health professional in your area by first entering your ZIP code and then selecting a specialty from the drop-down menu here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

      You may also call our toll-free Find-A-Therapist line at 888-563-2112 ext. 1. Our support team is available Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 4 a.m. We hope that helps!

    • Sharon

      August 9th, 2014 at 7:07 PM

      I have been discarded by a friend who says since I don’t listen to her, I should understand why she is stressed out and so she has to cut off all contact with me permanently.. I have always supported her and this behavior has happened for several years..however , this time it seems to be a discard.. I introduced her to many friends who seem to be the new supply and they know about the discard. Of course I’m more in mourning at the loss and she’s going about her life seeing friends etc.. She’s got them all fooled. I keep trying to tell myself to listen to your explanations .. It’s sad .. Recovery hurts

    • Mary

      August 21st, 2014 at 11:14 PM

      I told my partner that I hate him in emails and text and that I should cheat on him so that he would pay attention to me. I appologized a few days later but he still gives me the silent treatment. What shoul I do to make him stop?

    • Laura

      September 29th, 2014 at 1:13 PM

      I criticized my daughter’s new fad diet for her preschoolers and now she won’t let me see the kids or talk to her. I have been getting the silent treatment for almost 9 months. Do you have any suggestions for opening up lines of communication again?

    • miriam

      October 8th, 2014 at 11:34 AM

      Итак, очевидно, мой междугородный парень на расстоянии с одного года (в целом 4,5 года и выключен) решил, с пяти дней, что он выиграл со мной и # 8217; прежде чем все началось, Между нами все было хорошо, и последнее, что он сказал, был он и # 8217 - выходит на музыкальное событие. Обычно, когда он доходит куда-то, он выключает свои мобильные данные, пока он Возвращает домой, а иногда и в течение всего дня и там и там и там и нет, чтобы я не добрался до него, когда он никогда не общается через SMS или телефонные звонки, даже если я попробую (который Значит, мы почти никогда не делали спонтанные телефонные звонки друг к другу, но приходилось решать заранее, когда собирались поговорить. Сумасшедший, я знаю!). так что вечером я ожидал его Напишите, как он всегда делает, когда он возвращается домой, но он не сделал и # 8217; Я провел ночь, не позаботился о том, что с ним что-то случилось, но заставило себя не писать Больше хорошей ночи, чтобы не быть болью в **. Утром я удивил, что он все еще не написан (он всегда не просыпает меня с сообщением) и Не пишите до позднего днем, что он извиняюсь (для того, чтобы ушло так долго, не сказав ничего, очевидно) и что он сейчас настоящий. Я взял мой Время, прежде чем мне грустно, но я вижу, что он не получает мое сообщение (четко, он снова отключил связь, чтобы снова начать изолировать или выйти один раз более). голоса в моей голове ходят; & # 8220; Хорошо, позволь ему занять его время. Дон и # 8217; беспокоит, дон и # 8217; подчеркивает его. & # 8221; Весь вечер проходит без него ни слова. и то день после и здесь, где я начинаю очень нервничать и писать, чтобы спросить его, почему он молчит. Нет ответа, конечно. в моем беспокойстве и разочаровании, я называю его и Он не поднимает, но быстро пишет, что он занят и перезвонят позже. Я очень расстроен и начну чувствую, что он действительно сознательно избегает меня (Я узнаю шаблон до того, как он не первый раз, когда он дал мне холодное плечо или сказал, что он позвонит мне, но он и # 8217; T, хотя он улучшился Его коммуникативные навыки в последнее время были только в течение одного дня, не более того, чтобы узнать его разум & # 8221;) так что я отвечаю сарказма, что он всегда занят, когда я звоню (Это было, как это было; 80% наших телефонных звонков сделаны только тогда, когда он хочет и имеет время, теперь, когда я думаю об этом). нет ответа и я сейчас не уверен, что он возиться с моим умом. Я снова пишу, что я буду ждать его звонка и что если он не позвонил мне в течение дня, нам придется идти отдельными способами. Я знаю, что это было Брутал, но причина, по которой я был так быстро, чтобы сказать, что это потому, что он сделал это со мной раньше, возможно, это был какой-то механизм обороны с моей стороны. Во всяком случае, это когда Я заверил, что он выиграл, и что я потерял его, так что я жду несколько часов, чтобы собрать мои мысли, прежде чем покинуть мое последнее сообщение, в котором я прошу прощения В случае, если я сделал что-то не так, но скажи ему, что, когда он готов поговорить, я буду здесь, хотя я могу ждать и вы будете думать, что он не хочет говорить Мне больше, если он не подходит мне в ближайшее время. Опять же, он отвечает, что он сожалеет (что делает меня еще более запутанным, потому что все, что он говорит), и мне интересно, если Это и # 8217; все, что он хочет сказать. Очевидно, что это, потому что он никогда не отвечал после этого, а я и # 8217; Прошло шесть дней, так как все началось, но три дня с момента Он написал & # 8220; извините и # 8221; И я действительно умираю внутри.

      Я понятия не имел, что было что-то называемое & # 8220; безмолвная обработка & # 8221; И узнал об этом только сейчас в моем отчаянии, чтобы выяснить, что я сделал неправильно. если бы я знал Об этом поведении четыре года назад, когда мы встречались, и он начал делать это со мной, я бы, вероятно, не дал это отношение 5+ шансов и 4,5 года моей жизни. она имеет много помогло узнать о & # 8220; молчаливый лечение & # 8221; И теперь я вижу вещи в другом свете. Несомненно, у него есть проблемы, которые я знаю, вызваны детством Травма (от очень мало он рассказал мне о своем детстве). он такой парень, который несет много боли внутри и никогда не хочет кого угодно, потому что у него есть Учили не жаловаться и что никто, кроме его может решить свои проблемы. Это то, что заставило меня плакать, чтобы спать иногда, потому что это разбивает мое сердце, чтобы увидеть, как Одинокий он в его боли, но он отказывается отпускать кого-либо. Это впервые сейчас, так как мы встретились, что наши отношения длится целый год, и мы - построенные доверие И он начал открываться мне намного больше, чем раньше (хотя недостаточно) & # 8230; До нескольких дней назад, когда все пришло разбиться снова. узнавать о & # 8220; безмолвная обработка & # 8221; заставил меня понять, что я подвергался эмоциональному насилию и что его поведение не нормально (я раньше думал об этом & # 8217; Это как только люди просто). так что это сделало меня действительно сильным и сегодня (может быть, это было слишком рано?) Я начал отключить себя от него в сети в социальных сетях, и я планирую В конце концов просто исчезнул, как я сказал, я бы. Может быть, я прыгаю в поспешные выводы, но мне это полностью иррационально, что кто-то вы так близко к потребностям пять целых дней, чтобы быть в состоянии высказаться или он может даже быть таким холодным. Я имею в виду, часы, день; отлично! Но пять дней и считаются не в порядке, или я не прав? длинная дистанция Отношения специфически чувствительны, потому что общение все есть. Взяв это, он убирает все и как я должен что угодно Без его сотрудничества? Я сказал ему это раньше, и он всегда говорит, что я прав. Я думаю, что теперь его молчание означает, что он не хочет, чтобы меня больше и Это время и # 8217; время двигаться дальше, но я чувствую, что я не обязан сказать ему о моих выводах относительно его поведения, чтобы помочь ему обратиться за помощью. кто-нибудь здесь с хорошим совет? Что касается & # 8220; молчаливый лечение & # 8221 Я читал, что & # 8220; обидник & # 8221; Управляет его по разным причинам среди них, чтобы наказать & # 8220; жертва и # 8221; или Потому что они просто не очень хорошо. Я верю в его дело оно в последней причине. В последнее время у него была трудная жизнь с точки зрения нахождения работы и устойчивого дохода и его повлияло на возможность для нас быть вместе. Наш план состоит в том, чтобы он переехать в страну, в которой я живу в течение двух месяцев, и мы планировали все с великолепными энтузиазм, так что я понимаю, почему он так быстро сдался. И нет, это не так, как мы никогда не встречались. Мы имеем отношения на расстоянии, да, но мы использовали Регулярно встречаться, и он даже жил здесь на короткое время в начале этого года.

      Я также читаю, что такое поведение может указывать на то, что оскорбительный партнер мошенничество. Это трудно мне представить, что он делает это, но есть женщина, которую он очевидно, кажется, имел и # 822; датировали & # 8221; Когда он и я потерял контакт в первый раз в начале наших отношений. Я пытался спросить его о ней, так как они все еще разговаривают И тусоваться, но он говорил, что она ничего для него, кроме друга. но потому что он всегда становится несколько оборонительным, когда я упомяну ей, и я могу видеть через его тело Язык, который он не хочет говорить о ней, я становлюсь подозрением и не будет удивленным, если то, что я подозреваю, на самом деле верно. Он всегда был Очень обеспокоен его целостностью, кстати, и едва ли когда-нибудь рассказал мне о своей жизни домой, его семьи или друзьями. Всякий раз, когда я предложил, я должен навестить его, он сказал бы & # 8220; Достаточно времени, давайте все будем работать и урегулировать первым & # 8221. Все такое загадка и секрет, но я всегда позволил ему занять его время, никогда не спрашиваю Многое, никогда не отталкивал его или заставил его что-нибудь сказать мне, но спросил нежно, потому что я хочу знать человека, с которым я буду в будущем, потому что это и # 8217 вещь которую нужно сделать! Это слишком много, чтобы попросить?

      I & # 8217; М серьезно страдаешь сейчас, и я так запутался. Я не говорил своей семье и друзьям об этом, потому что я просто ломаю слезы, но мне нужно помочь в том, как двигаться дальше. Я на правильном пути? Должен ли я просто отпустить и пытаться забыть его? Должен ли я писать снова? что я должен делать?

      Я буду рад, если кто-нибудь здесь поделится со мной ваш опыт.

      //miriam

    • Sophia

      October 9th, 2014 at 10:42 PM

      Run girl, run ! Do not waist any more time on this man, he’s clearly emotionally abusing you ! I have been there, done that. This kind of people will always do that ! Run and STOP fooling yourself and trying to blame yourself for something that you have not done ! It’s not you, it’s HIM! Free yourself for good!

    • Sophia

      October 9th, 2014 at 10:59 PM

      Sorry if I’m being too direct and insensitive Miriam, I too was with emotional abuser and narcissist for 2 years. I also wondered if that is supposed to be the norm and whether I perhaps not understanding him enough and blaming myself. Finally I realized what emotional damage as well a physical damage his silent treatment, along with manipulation did to me. Us women tend to often look for fault within ourselves and excuse this kind of behavior but what he is doing to you is NOT normal, nor the norm out there. I had been in a much better relationship prior to that so I could tell that something was off right away, however, when you love someone you are frequently in self denial. I endured 2 years of this and you have endured much longer. This is happening for a reason and you are finally realizing what is truly going on. You are on the right track and are currently doing the right things so please continue and stay very strong. You will find someone that will be emotionally available and you will see a HUGE difference and will be so so so much happier! Do not waist any more of your precious years. His behavior is absolutely not normal so please stop trying to justify it and excuse this’s absolutely cruel behavior. I really, truly mean well for you ! You will be grateful and happy that you did it. Do not contact him any longer, these kind of abusers thrive on that and they want to see a reaction from you and see you suffer, it gives them even more power and ammunition! As hard as it sounds ..you need to not look back and simply move on!!!!! Hugs :)

    • love

      October 10th, 2014 at 12:12 AM

      Every woman deserves to be pursued. It is not for you to fix him. Instead pray for him. Your boy loves himself so much and is blatantly inconsiderate of you. He’s probably moved on, but keeping the door to you open just in case he fails at his other prospects. It’s time for you to love you. Let go and let God. You seem like a loving woman, ive been where you are. Moving on is hard but the wounds heal and your vision gets clearer. Trust me, it gets better.

      All the best.

    • Cici

      October 12th, 2014 at 10:14 PM

      Hi Miriam

      My story is a copycat of yours! Long distance, my partner in another country, promising to come and live in my country…..the five years….silent treatment….it’s identical!!! Turning his phone off. It’s uncanny. Your partner is not from the ME is he:(

    • Jill

      November 13th, 2014 at 3:58 PM

      drugs/ and or an affair. I found out the hard way. Much luck to you, leave asap.

    • Cindy

      December 20th, 2016 at 10:16 AM

      Been there. Best advice I can give you is…..sit down, someplace quiet and try and remember who you were before you got tangled up in this man. Remember how you felt about yourself before the guy. Do/did you like yourself 5 yrs ago? Look at how you have changed….and if you don’t like how you have changed being with this person….they are the wrong person for you. Set aside ‘feelings’ and analysis the pro’s and con’s. If there are more con’s…dump the guy and find someone that really loves who you are and does not promise you ‘air’ and ‘someday, we will…..’. An objective man I met and told my story to said…’he does not love you….a man that is in love would not do….blah’. It was like a two by four to my head and heart….and so my head said…”run…you deserve more than what this guy is offering.” I broke up ‘temporarily’, then met a great guy who was no ‘effort’ and made me feel good about myself and we laughed and laughed and have been together for 36 years. And if I had not taken a ‘break’ from the jerk I would not have met and dated my husband. The jerk did come back to me a few months later….but my kind and loving husband was the sane choice. The jerk, did call me one more time, after I married and said…”I am ready to get married, now.” And I said….”Who is the lucky girl?” He said nothing and that was how into himself he was….totally unaware that my life had progressed….and he stayed stuck in place. Grow a ‘pair’ about yourself and what you have to offer another human being. I offered the jerk, love and support, and he offered me uncertainty, and questioning of my self-worth. I almost let him destroy me over the course of 2 years. Leaving him was the best thing I could do for me. Don’t be afraid to start over. Your time was not wasted if you learned from the situation.

    • lisa

      December 20th, 2016 at 3:59 PM

      These abusers just like to spoil holidays I dumped mine three months ago I have been contacted every weekend asking if I have met someone been stalked by him I agreed to see him to talk listened to his lies after three days I found chats on his phone with a girl friend he met twenty years ago and hooked up with four years ago I messaged her to find out the truth then I had silent treatment for three days then when he decided to call I couldn’t talk to him so he text I won’t bother you again this man deliberately tried to reel me back to spoil Christmas like he has every year we spent together and he never gets new woman because he can’t manipulate and abuse them so he recycles his exs evey time he’s cheated it’s been not a new one but an old one in fact the truth could be he tries and leaves evidence even if he hasn’t to mess with my head I’m so cross with myself I let this man have the chance to emotionally abuse me again and it’s just undone all my healing over the past couple of months these people are evil I do actually think it’s spiritual they are possessed how can someone not have any compassion or empathy even nasty people sometimes feel bad not these abusers how can you stop abusing someone if your unable to feel anything and everytime you go back the abuse is thicker and faster than before we just open the flood gates for abuse tolerating any bad behaviour my partner said bad behavior breeds bad behaviour like I’m a carbon copy of him I have never give him silent treatment until now and that is self preservation from his evil mental mind games four years no change never an apology just him playing the victim when he does admit a problem it’s my fault I have too many barriers probably because he ends up destroying me

    • Julie

      October 9th, 2014 at 9:50 AM

      I am curious–what are the long term effects on a child growing up with a narcissistic parent, one who frequently treats their spouse and children in this manner?

    • Kathryn

      November 14th, 2016 at 7:19 AM

      Having grown up with the sole destroying silent treatment (as punishment) from my mom, the effects have been devastating. I am in my late 40’s and I am STILL suffering the silent treatment. The skin beneath my eyes is pure black now, and I firmly believe this has been caused by crying SO much. It just won’t cover up anymore – it appears like I have two black eyes. My face is dry, rough, and covered in spider veins, I think this is partly down to the salt in tears and I have shed bucket loads of them. I have no boyfriend or husband, as I am once again trapped at home caring for my terminally ill dad. He has never gave me the silent treatment but he did/does when my mom was/is around. He did/does talk to me when she is not there, However he has always been an enabler, all through my childhood and adult life. I have no-one at my back for support in the house. I have no siblings and friends won’t visit. Basically, I have got no quality of life. I am looking forward to going into hospital for major surgery, just to get peace, quiet and no silent treatment for a couple of weeks. Most people dread it. THAT is how BAD things are, and there is a waiting list of four years approximately, to see a councillor, though the last time I went to see one, she pretty much told me that councilling won’t help as I am back staying at my parents house, and cannot distance myself from my toxic relationship with my mother – due to my dad.

      I feel life has passed me by and I am existing, rather than living. I would not wish this on anyone, I envy ‘close’ families, and those who never use the silent treatment. It is also hard not having siblings to turn to, and most of the time, I feel so alone. In my opinion, the silent teatment has been the bane of my life.

      Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, as I am getting the silent treatment once again, and I am typing through a watery, blurry haze of tears that usually takes up two boxes of mansize tissues.

    • Anne

      October 12th, 2014 at 12:29 AM

      Я вряд ли могу перестать возвращаться на этот сайт! Это была годинка! Я был жертвой на 11 лет сейчас на свидание! Я чувствую себя так, облегчаю, что могу остановить безумие, но в Поэтому я также буду терять сына и два внука. Я также буду иметь дело с очень глубоким, очень настоящим отказаться от проблем от моего прошлого.

      Мой сын женился на очень интересной молодой леди. Я знал о ней и ее родителям / брату в течение нескольких лет. Мама - это шизофреник (поздний наступление), а папа является родительским вертолетом. Брат / сын умер в последнее время, но обстоятельства, окружающие смерть, никогда не были раскрыты. Как будто он голодал до смерти в конце.
      Мой Дил не хотел ничего общего со мной от той. Мне пришлось быть очень конкретно относительно времени и даты, когда я мог прийти к ним посетить. Они прожили по пути от меня и Я уважал их пожелания. Я держал свое расстояние, думая, что она в конечном итоге разогревается ко мне. Если бы я позвонил ей, она никогда не вернет звонок. Никогда! Я в конце концов в конечном итоге призвал Мой сын, и он сделает немного оправдания для нее. Она, казалось, имела разнообразные друзья и часто развлекали, но я редко бы редко пригласил, даже если мои близкие друзья были Приглашенные и фотографии были опубликованы на FB для меня, чтобы увидеть, мне было больно, но было сказано друзьям не беспокоиться о том, что она преодолела это. Мой сын, тем временем, процветал и был допущен его в законах. Они поглотили его до такой степени, что мой бывший и я пошутил, что он должен принять их фамилию. Они забеременели в 2009 году, в том же году я получил воспоминание.
      Первый год моего внука & # 8217; с жизнью я сделал и # 8220; что-то & # 8221; неправильно и молчаливое лечение усилилось. Я был удален из того, чтобы быть другом на ФБ и больше не мог & # 8220; см. & # 8221; мой внук. Я позвонил, оставил голосовые сообщения, спросил, что не так и никогда не получал ответа. Тогда около года спустя контакт возобновил через мой сын, но теперь я Действительно гуляя на яичной скорлупы, когда мой сын дает мне то, что, кажется, был список ее требований & # 8230; никогда ее рот, а через мой сын.
      В этом году январь я попросил их в ресторане, как мой муж, и я ухожу на поездку, и мне не было предоставлено возможность увидеть мои внуки на некоторое время. Когда мы Вернулся в февраль, моя дочь приехала в гости. Как всегда, моя дочь заставила свои собственные планы, и одно из планов было посетить ее брата и Сил, чтобы увидеть ее племянники. Прямо перед ней Осталось пойти посетить, она сказала, что она и # 822; мысли и # 8221; Я был приглашен также. Это было поздно в день, и я отказался, так как у меня были другие вещи, чтобы думать, что я мог видеть их & # 8220; в любое время & # 8221; Так как мы жили в нескольких милях друг от друга. Ну, это была трещина, которая сломала верблюды обратно. Позже мне сказали моему сыну, что мне нужно было извиниться за что? мой поведение? Я не совсем уверен, это то, что я не вышла в тот день с моей дочерью? Я извинился, но верно своей матери и # 8217; S слов несколько лет назад она примет только извинения после того, что она считает подходящее время и количество. Я извинился за то, что я все еще не знаю, что это так и что они отказываются сказать мне, когда я спрашиваю его.
      Это звучит так, как будто это произошло только пару раз, но молчаливое лечение - это способ справиться со своей жизнью. Ее друзья были счастью, но я и был и был ее цель выбора. Мой сын сейчас действует так же. Он отрезал все общение со мной, сидящим (SP?) Мелкие обиды. Я никогда не приглашаю их, я не люблю их, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH & # 8230; Эта весна они проехали на 18 часов на машине. Они не сказали мне, что делают это, и они не прощались.
      У меня так много вопросов. Я пытался быть кратким, и я оставил много других экземпляров. Я прочитал эту статью о тихой лечении, и это все это все написано. я хочу думать, что есть помощь для нее. Я боюсь, что мой сын и относился к этому пути для всей своей семейной жизни. Я сдался когда-либо иметь отношения с ними больше. Моя потеря огромна, но я отказываюсь быть частью этой больной больной игры. Я надеюсь, что это все имеет смысл. Очень поздно, как я пишу эти мысли, и я очень устал.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 14th, 2014 at 11:27 PM

      thanks for the feedback all…to answer Julie’s question re: impact on children…truly, sustaining emotional abuse as a child is not good for development. Children can become the narcissistic supply of an individual with signifiant narcissism. With that, typically therapy with a skilled clinician is essential as is healthy, consistent and nurturing social supports in the child’s life. Andrea

    • Tony M

      October 18th, 2014 at 10:18 PM

      Я думаю, что эта статья разделяет довольно черно-белый анализ так называемой & # 8220; немого лечение & # 8221; картина тех, кто участвует в нем, как очевидно, & # 8220; нарциссист & # 8221;. <Р> Позволь мне сказать вам, однако, что есть случаи, когда & # 8220; бесшумная обработка & # 8221; & # не должен 8217, т следует путать с & # 8220; No-контакт & # 8221; в случае оскорбительных ситуация, когда одна фактически злоупотребляют. <Р> В моем случае, обидчик был женщиной. Она взяла мою дочь, и я заложника и мешал моей способности оказать помощь моему несовершеннолетнему ребенку. Затем она угрожала, а затем напали на меня в моем доме, и я положил мои руки в порядке самообороны, контакт с ней, когда она болтах ко мне со своим багажом, как она передумала в последнюю минуту после согласования оставить как она обещала. Из безопасности моего отеля, затем она протекала позвонить в полицию и нарисовать историю, которую я напал на нее. Я арестую, и полиция приходят в их смещения и тактики и порождают ложное признание. В том же время, она увековечивает несоответствующие отношения с моим собственным адвокатом, запускает убийство персонажа чтобы укрепить свою бредовую версию истории, и скрывает ее насилие позади быть жертвой. <Р> Я не защищать себя, но одна вещь, которую я сделал право было отбросы заниматься с ней. Я никогда не приходил домой. Я отказалась кормить ее больше топлива. После трех долгих лет, я уверен, что после того, как маркируя меня самовлюбленные благодаря статьям, как это, она, наконец, решает развестись со мной, убедившись, что я, конечно, должен быть сумасшедшим, безразличный и т.д.. <Р> Вы знаете, что? Я заботился много об отношениях. Я пытался работать его с ней и # 8230; но наступил момент, когда, откровенно говоря, она была не только целостности путем сваливания вины меня за ее насилие, она, отказываясь брать на себя ответственность, играть в игру, которая приведет лишь к более эскалации. <Р> Есть моменты, когда вы не & # 8217; т нужно тратить энергию, пытаясь вести переговоры с террористами. Мы делаем это на политической арене по очень уважительной причине: Давать им любой внимание уделяет им больше внимания, чем они заслуживают. Как ни странно, эта статья, когда читают их получить и # 8217; S их кивали головами, как перепутались другие люди должны быть. <Р> Чтобы быть более полным, в этой статье следует упомянуть немного о личной ответственности и # 8230; Иногда, когда люди дают вам молчание, вы испортили. Ты на самом деле в настоящее время отказались из-за свое поведение. Вы сами самовлюбленные, пограничные, психопат и т.д. & # 8230; и люди просто создать расстояние от Вас потому что вы, ну и # 8230; сосать. Иногда, там действительно ISN & # 8217; т ничего не осталось сказать, потому что ваше поведение настолько ужасающими к основной человеческой порядочности, что люди действительно просто превратить холодное плечо к вам из-за того, кто ты есть. Это & # 8217; не то, что они являются пассивными агрессивными нарциссами. Они на самом деле просто тошнит от работы с вами.

    • Angela

      October 21st, 2014 at 1:29 PM

      Tony,
      Hi. I disagree that silent treatment is result to our behaviors.
      We are justified to make boundaries when our value/feelings are walked upon.
      Silent treatment from narcissist is like a 5 yr old holding a grudge or turning his back on us, wiping us from his life without a normal talk. To fix. They are always right and victim is just that twice over.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 19th, 2014 at 1:18 PM

      @Tony–this article is specifically referring to narcissistic abuse by individuals demonstrating strong narcissistic characteristics. If an individual is trying to leave a toxic relationship, then using No Contact is the preferred method to disengage. The article was not meant to address the silent treatment on a global level by individuals who are not narcissistic … either way you look at it, the silent treatment is not a healthy way to communicate. Andrea

    • Angela

      October 21st, 2014 at 6:08 AM

      Десять лет!!! В течение месяца его бывший создал хаос, и он был полон решимости держать меня. Я сказал ему, что хочу брак, он привел детей в свои домашние выходные. Это было очень серьезно и семья вовлечена. Мы должны были стать семьей.
      Как монтировали проблемы и ревность, мне сказали, что SIS сообщил его, но когда у кого-то есть проблемы, я не знаю и # 8217; т. Я сказал ему, что он должен выбрать, я выиграл и # 8217; не останется в беспорядке. Он выбрал меня Но не брак - чтобы бороться с ней и держать меня. Суды и движущиеся дети & # 8217; Выпуск школ. Сын и он со мной летом, вернулся сына в бывший для школы. Он спросил меня, что делать? я спросил его, скажи мне, твои дети. Канада, Карибский бассейн, сын поставил в школу-интернату, даже зная, что он хотел, чтобы папа вышла замуж за меня, я потерял голос со стрессом, подавленным на точку в шоке Смотри, не могли бы его отрывать его больных родителей и он и он и # 8216; Для меня для меня, опасная заболевание почек / кровотечение & # 8230; медленное восстановление с высоким кровяным давлением к любому эмоциональному стрессу, он действовал & # 8217; заботиться понимать. Я медленно зафиксировал свой дом, дети, жизнь, мама упущена 1 1/2 года назад, родились близнецы внуков, он дистанцировал своих детей от меня, когда я видел его меньше, не соответствующий контролю и Стыд привел к наказанию и отклонению. Я сказал, что нет посещений мне 11 месяцев назад, чтобы не причинить мне боль / оскорбить. Нет беспокойства для военного времени в Израиле, нет BD желаний, нет праздничных пожеланий (каждый год С ним, но это пришло по цене не получить брак, но только держать на нити), поэтому в основном находятся здоровее для меня ценностями и уважением. Что мало смысла он ушел для Нам ушёл, перестал любить, когда не добился своего пути? Я напомнил ему о браке и не неуважительно. Сосед / коллектор его сказал, что в этом году будет очень хорошим, но вся семья Condone, что я не с ним праздники, и SIS только послал желания обратно нам все. Сегодня я позволил ему знать, что после того, как он был сильным, он должен был уважать меня, а мой папа. А также Другие, которые знают нас, оба заявили, что я достойный.
      Я был вынужден сделать стоять и наказан за это. Он выиграл & # 8217; Нет необходимости в любви или расти, так как я сделал.

    • Angela

      October 21st, 2014 at 6:16 AM

      To add to my hell, he showed everyone how he cared and I wasn’t ok to allow visits to not deserve marriage???
      Then he moved to rented home and brother’s wife left home after 30 yrs emotional abuse in marriage.
      The brother ‘allows wife to visit her son.’
      The son kicked him out of home when he visited states.
      And a women’s work and she are not valued.
      I let them all know that men must Honour women to keep them.
      Is this family messed up??? 😃

    • Angela

      October 21st, 2014 at 6:34 AM

      Forgot to add more.
      With his work in bankrupt state for 2 yrs and stock worth only 18, he should be grateful
      Admitted in April that his son left work, and with kids over 18, his ex must payback half mortgage to stay with kids…or he rents/sells. The sis admitted chaos, I said he must fix and be ready for Fair action with me. She said I make conditions? I said yes. He can do as he wishes and I can’t protect my interests?
      Brother will Never allow him to give in.
      It is family Honour and women are there to be controlled and used.
      And they are superior and don’t Honour others.
      I hoped now with his messes and my stand, he’d decide. I wonder how bad it must get or how alone he’d be for them to keep controlling.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 21st, 2014 at 9:15 AM

      @Roy– I do offer consultation/coaching via telehealth (which is not the same thing as psychotherapy) for those recovering from toxic relationships if appropriate. Andrea

    • Krista

      November 21st, 2014 at 9:06 AM

      Looking for some advice.

    • Sonja O.

      October 21st, 2014 at 9:18 AM

      After reading this article, I made some realizations regarding my ex-boyfriend. Although I suspect some narcissistic traits in all of us, I feel that something is very wrong. I broke it off because of his lack of reciprocity in the relationship. for instance, I took off work to be with him when his mother passed, but he could not be with me when my sister had a heart attack and they were discussing bypass surgery. Now that it is over, and I can view events both past and present, I am wondering if he goes far beyond the normal “self-preservation” levels of narcissism. Although he does not show other characteristics of a narcissistic personality disorder, he does play the role of victim from his previous relationships (i.e. it’s all her fault because she cheated on me) avoids conflict in refuses to have serious conversations. (on several occasions I told him that I did not feel like I was important to him, and his response was “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” He does not reprimand his girls for rude or inappropriate behavior, and seeks to do anything that makes himself look good/feel good in the eyes of his children. He even said that he, “does not make a habit of talking to people that hurt him.” silent treatment. I am beginning to wonder if there is more to a narcissistic personality than the traditional indicators.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 21st, 2014 at 4:27 PM

      @Angela– you are right, no one deserves the silent treatment. No survivor of narcissistic abuse brought on the abuse by the narcissist. The responsibility for the abuse lies completely with the abuser, not the survivor. Survivors of narcissistic abuse typically invoke No Contact with their ex abuser…that is not the same thing as the silent treatment. No Contact is setting a healthy boundary on behalf of the survivor to not expose themselves to any further abuse by their abuser. The silent treatment is a manipulative (in)action by the abuser to avoid responsibility for compromise, personal growth and accountability. The abuser is afraid of their own emotions and maturing. The silent treatment is designed to punish the target so that the target feels rejected and abandoned. Targets can respond with No Contact. Because the abuser usually returns to see if they can still tap that prior source of narcissistic supply. It is up to the target/survivor to slam the door shut permanently and dead-bolt the door several times over…no more contact with a toxic person. Andrea

    • Ali

      October 21st, 2014 at 5:47 PM

      Going through this as we speak. Feeling so stressed and hurt I tried all day to get him to speak to me but he won’t answer my texts. This has been a cycle that’s repeated itself for 10 years and each time we break up I move on he comes back and promises to change, then he insults me, cheats on me and if I call him out on it I get the silent treatment.

    • Amanda

      October 21st, 2014 at 7:57 PM

      Currently in an emotionally abusive relationship, still trying to sort it all out. Husband frequently gives silent treatment sometimes for days on end. Those are the must peaceful. He, however, just accused me of being narcissistic?

    • Luis

      November 6th, 2014 at 11:15 PM

      OMG, they do that all the time. My wife has told me I am a sociopath, that I need therapy and basically that I am the reason for our marriage to fail. I do need therapy, but she blows everything out of proportion and I am left to pick up the pieces.

    • Anna

      October 30th, 2014 at 8:51 PM

      I found this by accident n my bf does this to me and now I feel so bad it hurts. I ask why am i not worth it. I m pretty. I have a career but for 10 yrs i got nothing. All he cares is the mother of his kid. I feel so desperate and depressed. Useless. I wish i could move on but scared.

    • Lara

      November 30th, 2014 at 8:26 AM

      Trust me! He doesn’t care about her either!! Just a way to taunt and hurt you further!

    • Bethany

      November 2nd, 2014 at 1:06 AM

      Living with a Narcissist is the equivalent of living near a “black hole”, and that’s exactly what they are – black holes – cause they suck everything around them, you cannot possibly be positive around those people. They are cowards who don’t even have the decency to recognize the harm that they cause! My husband gives me the silent treatment till I ask what is happening just to get things twisted against me, all of a sudden I am the one who is looking for a fight just because I asked what is happening!

      One day I got so mad that I grabbed him by the collar and lifted him, screaming that I was tired of being treated like that. My luck is that I am a hot blooded woman, I will not accept abuse and if I have to get into a brawl with him I will, and he will lose, and he knows that!

      I’m planning on leaving soon, those sick people are hopeless and it blows my mind how some women stay for 10, 20, 30 years waiting for a miracle to happen! They won’t change! They will only get worse and worse, and if those women have any self love left, I think they should leave, for the sake of their own sanity! They should leave before their self esteem is completely destroyed, which will happen sooner or later. I’m done with that coward, but I’m not stupid, I’m not leaving without compensation, he’ll have to pay for the damage he caused!

    • Lara

      November 30th, 2014 at 8:24 AM

      A black hole is exactly it!! It does make you angry when someone has the audacity to make you feel like you’re being argumentative or confrontational when you want to talk about an issue that’s troubling you. To hell with that!! He’s a grown man and I don’t care what you didn’t learn as a child, somewhere along the way life should have thrown up some red flags that signals help is needed in the area of communication instead of placing the blame on someone else.

    • #iamblessed

      November 8th, 2014 at 11:12 PM

      У меня только 5-месячные отношения. В течение многих лет он выразил свое намерение на меня, но я игнорировал его. Это было в мае 2014 года, что вдали и сказал, что я бы попробую. я был Так к этому до такой степени, что мой все на него. Я был очень благодарен, что он пришел в мою жизнь, он сделал меня счастливым, я почувствовал многое измениться на меня к лучшему. Сначала я нахожу это Милый, когда он попросил меня боте носить красную помаду, чтобы не носить шорты .. Во время отношений он критиковал меня так, как я говорю, выбор слов, которые я использую. Он просил меня Запрос на переназначение работы, в какой-то момент предложил, чтобы я работаю в другой стране & # 8211; двое из нас. Я почти считаю предложение. на сколько времени он дал мне молчать лечение. Сколько раз он солгал мне. Все те времена я пытался рационализировать, пытался терпеливо понять, в коротким я только что сдал. Я бы даже извинялся, даже если я не буду знаю, действительно ли это моя вина. Много раз я хотел выбраться из реализации, но я просто не хлынул, что смелость сделать это. В течение ряда раз я бы сказал ему, я Держась, независимо от того, что, потому что я люблю его, и я не могу себе представить жизнь без него. недели до нашего окончательного расставания & # 8211; Он дал мне еще одно молчаливое лечение .. иди, он написал мне То, что он хотел место, он так оккупирован многими проблемами, и он просто хочет пространство, и он должен воспорить в глубокой причине. Я нахожу это так смутно. Но я тоже был кормить, поэтому я Принял это и сказал ему, - это не то, что я буду случиться, но так как он хочет, я отдал его ему & # 8230; Я сказал ему, как мне больно, и что я не заслуживаю его грубости и Даже Thoygh я все еще люблю его, я сейчас научусь отпустить его. И это был мой последний раз, когда я общался с ним.

      Я не держу никаких больных чувств к нему после всестороннего, он сделал меня счастливым ..
      Я не хочу проводить сожаления на отношениях после всей всей своей частью моего путешествия ..
      Я не хочу оглядываться назад, потому что я знаю, у Бога есть лучшие планы для меня.

      Я на 3 неделе восстановления сейчас, однако чтение статей, сдающихся, отпуская, я пришел прочитать эту статьи о нарциссизме и # 8212; Тогда я понял, что я вовлечен с нарциссой. И это сделало меня все так грустно сейчас, тем больше я не могу себе представить, как я сам контролирую один. Я благодарен, однако я могу уйти от него после Знание этого нарциссизма. Я нахожусь на моем пути к выздоровлению, надеюсь, я скоро доберусь туда. Я надеюсь, что я скоро перестроишь себя.

    • sana

      November 10th, 2014 at 7:09 AM

      Hello…I am pakistani in origin.married my cousin 8 months back ..I am a victim of silent treatment off and on. My husband gives it to me if I complain about his behaviour of neglecting me. He avoids me for weeks till I get extremely physically and mentally tired. I feel so sad about it.

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      November 10th, 2014 at 9:46 AM

      Thank you for your comment, Sana. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can search for one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

      You can also search for a therapist by specialty here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

      We wish you the best of luck in your search.

      Warm regards,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Sharon

      November 10th, 2014 at 9:37 PM

      My husband shows no interest in me…achievements etc. Anytime I try to share something about me he immediately puts the subject about him. Even if I say my arm hurts he’ll talk about his headache. He makes me feel invisible. If I tell him this he’ll twist everything that all I have to do is ask him or tell him…I could sit next to him with tears & he’ll never notice. I’d have to say look at me I’m crying.

    • Suzanne

      November 17th, 2014 at 3:49 AM

      I’m having exactly the same issue. How could anyone with a heart ignore the sadness and tears from someone they supposedly love? Let alone ignore their presence.

    • Lucy

      November 13th, 2014 at 2:20 PM

      My husband started the silent treatment about 2 weeks into our marriage. I was shell shocked the first time it happened, I was quite young and felt ashamed that I had done something to anger him. This behaviour came and went and I embarrassed to say I just got used to it. We have four children together and it’s easy to get caught up in their lives especially when they were little. Now they are away at school and at last count my husband hasn’t spoken directly to me since Nov 2009! However until recently I did not know this was a form of abuse. I have now issued divorce proceedings against him which he has predictably ignored, so I have a fight on my hands but am determined he will not win this time.

    • Mary

      November 17th, 2014 at 7:24 PM

      I remained in a marriage for 24 years. The last time I had sex with my husband was 21 years ago- when our only child was conceived. He lied about consulting for 17 years yet spent 12 hours a day in the basement “consulting ” while I worked fulltime. He only helped his friends with idiotic tasks- fixing their cell phones and cars with no financial gain. Did nothing to help me while I worked fulltime x 24 years as it relates to stay at home parent- cleaning. Grocery shopping . Maintaining the house. Cook dinner. I had to do all of these things plus work fulltime. I guess he thought getting a fulltime job was beneath him?? He began biking 8 years ago and then forgot he had family or husband responsibility. Silent treatment started 2 years ago. I thru him out of the house 1.5 years ago and then filed for divorce 1 year ago. The hell continues with him. Takes more and more money from me. The house closes in 3 weeks and then I hope to never see this person again as long as I live. Funny thing is- he wanted the divorce so why does the jerk treat me like this? Because I have a job? Because he blames me for his poor choices to choose consulting instead of getting a job? I found out 1.5 years ago that his financial contribution to the family was pitiful and when I asked him about that he went into a rage and yelled ” what do you want from me”? If I were you I would run and seek divorce ASAP .

    • James

      November 23rd, 2014 at 7:06 AM

      My ex recently engaged in the silent treatment after trust was broken! Wasn’t cheating or anything to that extent but I apologized and it was sincere. This person is well aware of how great of a person I am and how horrible I feel but still chooses the silent treatment as the resolution. It always seemed like I was set up to prove against all odds that their was a such thing as a picture perfect relationship! I was told that all of their exes were just horrible to them and they were so happy to have found someone that wasn’t like the previous people dated. I have been hit with the I don’t want to deal with it so I won’t. What is the most positive way to break the berrier and help this person to realize what is happening? Do you drop gloves and run or attempt to re establish trust and help them? I’m fine going separate ways but I still care enough about this person to help them in any way I can.

    • Raven

      November 25th, 2014 at 4:27 AM

      How do you propose navigating a person who is Borderline with Histrionic and Narcissistic tendencies, especially when said person is your father?

    • Andy

      November 25th, 2014 at 8:35 AM

      I am so glad to have come across this website. It finally put everything together for me after 10 years of hell with my girlfriend. The compulsive lying, suspected cheating and emotional abuse i have endured has taken its toll on me. When we first met i was successful, confident and full of life and now i just feel worn out. alcohol would ease the pain for a brief moment but reality always come back when sober. i gave up my business which i loved because she thought self employment was too risky.
      In the end, i now realize that what didnt feed her ego through me, wasnt good enough. The silent treatment was the weapon of choice, along with playing the victim role to her friends and family. When we got involved she was going through a divorce and i saw first hand how she dealt with her ex and now i am experiencing the same evilness. I was too blinded by love to believe that could happen to me. It hurts but i know that the only way is to move on, lock the door from her and have no contact. I feel badly for the next person she will destroy and truly wonder if the universe has a way of taking care of these types of people in the end.

    • Lara

      November 30th, 2014 at 7:48 AM

      Andy I understand and its so pitiful. Whenever anyone is coming out of a relationship it certainly takes time to assess what his/her role was in the failure of it. I’ve never been through so many changes in my life but I can assure you that alcohol isn’t the answer. They take joy in watching you sink to the bottom of nothing after they have sucked the joy and zeal for life right out of you. I will never allow this again!!! I will be happy regardless!!

    • Karen M.

      November 26th, 2014 at 1:00 PM

      I have gained needed knowledge with this article. My husband labels himself as a Christian but is no where near that title. He uses the silent treatment to his advantage and says it is to not argue. He has even put his hands up to his ears like a child. What do you call that type a person?

    • marie

      November 30th, 2014 at 7:34 AM

      I would do the same to get my peace.silent treatment is different from allowing someone’s words get you to say things u’l regret later.also if u stay silent so u can keep your sanity to deal with the issue rationally later when tempers are no longer flaring there is nothing wrong with that.

    • Liz

      November 26th, 2014 at 1:27 PM

      So glad i came across this site. Your description of the silent treatment is exactly as what i’ve been experiencing in with a fellow i connected with and was trying to get to know. Yes i too would apologize and try to make amends, yet no acknowledgment of what he has done wrong. I had unfriended him on fb, and then sent him a new invite as a gesture of my trying to reconnect with him. Yesterday he had agreed to speak with me on the phone to talk about what had happened, i called him at 7 pm..he never picked up, asked him politely to call me back when had could. 9 pm rolls round and of course i was anxious and simply wanted to resolve what really had amounted to a miscommunication….i appologized and left him a long heartfelt sincere apology for any pain i caused him from my actions and asked him to accept my apology if he agreed to. Otherwise i said, if he chose not to, i would respect his wishes also. Again, silence which is worth than being told to ‘bugger off’ lol., which i would prefer tot he deafening silence. I am prepared to simply walk away with what little dignity i have left. I have made all the overtures to make amends even though he too was at fault and hasn’t yet acknowledged this. I am so heartbroken as i thought he was a true friend. Should i contact him again down the road…or just simply establish no contact…then am i not too guilty of being silent and giving him the silent treatment…I am so confused. Any advise is appreciated. Thank you.

    • Been There

      November 30th, 2014 at 9:12 AM

      I understand how you feel Liz. I’m a guy who thought a female co-worker was a friend as well. Why wouldn’t I? She told me she considered me a friend, trusted me and valued our friendship in an e-mail. We had a falling out over a miscommunication a couple of weeks later, which resulted in her giving me the silent treatment for two weeks, until I approached her. Although we talked that day and she gave the impression all was good between us, it wasn’t. She went silent again immediately. I asked to talk to her about a month later so we could talk about our falling out and she refused. That was in April and except for one day in May, when she had to speak to me regarding a work issue, we haven’t spoken. We see each other every day at work and we work six cubicles apart.

      I would just leave things the way they are. If you tried to contact him again, you’ll probably be seen by him as being creepy, a stalker or just clingy. You apologized and tried to make things work and have reached out to him. You have done all you could to make things better. He failed to live up to his promise to speak to you. He has shown his true colors to you. Let it go as soon as you can and move on. If he does contact you, you’ll have to decide if it’s really worth it and what you are willing to accept. Good luck.

    • Tam

      November 29th, 2014 at 8:58 AM

      It has been good to read this… I never thought for a second that someone who was supposed to love you could make me feel like such a door mat. I have finally gotten to the point where enough is enough and I am so sick of feeling tired and drained of energy. I will no longer apologise for….. Well…. I don’t actually know what!
      I have learnt that when he texts me and says “I really miss you Tam” that it means nothing… He is looking for a response from me and will disappear and repeat the cycle again and again… I can’t even count the amount of times he has used the miss you line… But it’s all a lie.
      This emotional hell that he has put me through has taught me many things though, and reinforced others I already knew:
      1) look at how a person treats you… Don’t just trust and believe words
      2) you deserve the kind of love that you will give someone else… Don’t settle for less
      3) the person for me will never get joy or satisfaction from seeing me hurt or cry.
      I admit that I was fooled… And I allowed him to continue the cycle over and over… But I’m so very tired now and cannot find it in my heart to be used and be treated like an option for a “fix” whenever it suits him anymore. Have gone no contact now… And will never break no contact, because i just don’t have the energy to go through it all again. I know I have a lot of love to give… But it is going to take time before I offer my love to someone again.

    • Lara

      November 30th, 2014 at 7:39 AM

      Tam I never viewed it as a cycle. I’ve never heard of anyone experiencing anything like this. I’ve been married to him 1 year and with him 2. Out of all this time we’ve only lived in the same house probably about 3 months. There’s never healthy discussion when he does something to offend me and he does go silent or elope whenever he doesn’t want to compromise or admit when he’s wrong. It so hurtful that he is quiet emotionless when he sees me cry and says that I’m the devil and that he’s not giving into or even acknowledging what I’m saying. Ive left him three times before and each time I find myself right back to square A. He has done enough to physically, emotionally and financially abuse me for a lifetime. I don’t know what I’m going to do but its time for a change.

    • Liz

      December 1st, 2014 at 7:25 AM

      Thanks so much ‘Been there’. Yes the silence is nuts and i would rather he tell me to ‘bugger off’ lol instead. The thing is i am currently in day 4 of No Contact (NC) and am trying to move forward regardless of whether i hear from him. However, at the time when i was trying to make amends, i did try to refriend him on FB, so this was before i went into NC. He has not accepted/declined it. I figure maybe he’s thinking “let her suffer” LOL. Now if i try to cancel the invite,do you think this may be construed as ‘breaking nc’ or perhaps being petty on my part?? I am hoping maybe he just needs more time to calm down and really think things thru and in the meantime though, i’m not just sitting idly…keeping busy and social as much as i can, so i can get on with things. I figure in a few weeks, i may not even care.

      Any thoughts and thanks so much, you seem like a nice person who unfortunately met up with a ‘not so nice’ gal. How do you cope with her being 6 cubicles down from you…must be ‘awkward’.

      Take care….Liz

    • lis

      December 4th, 2014 at 11:57 PM

      Dont cancel ot but deactivate your account eventually he will wonder if u block him even find a way to check through a friend ect and he will contact u saying he misses u. Whatever u do dont go back because this is your only chance 2 make him feel low and worthless, if u go back HE WILL SWITCH the tables and make u hurt for making him feel that way. #trustme. Its going 2 be difficult being alone and not being controlled by him but u must pull through.

    • lis

      December 5th, 2014 at 12:06 AM

      Deactivate your account for 2months, it will kill him and give u time to heal even if not completely but atleast u won’t have the urge 2 call him. He will not change that’s the 1st thing u have 2 teach your brain…2nd think of how low this person is or made u feel, he can look u in the eyes when u cry and look disgusted while u boost hes ego, 3rd if u go back what are u gonna get from it. From my ongoing failure at going back and my history im telling u and everyone else, if u are together go no contact but “forever” ladies and gentleman because they will feel a sense of abandonment and rejection from something they thought they were so good at CONTROL. And if he left u NO CONTACT BECAUSE when he needs your supply he WILL be back but by thsn ur ready 2 be strong enough to not even reply. I was a victim and my narcissist went as far as leaving notes on my car saying he was sorry (gave him a chance and a week after I cracked and told him I loved him he left) Y????? He needed his control back. I wish I would of done things differently and stuck to my plan but I want u all to know so that u can all walk away with the satisfaction and finding someone who truly does deserve you.

    • Been There

      December 5th, 2014 at 6:31 AM

      Liz, regardless of what you do with your friend request, he will find a justification for whatever he ends up doing. Since figuring out my co-worker is a N, I have come to realize she is a liar and a hypocrite of a very high order. Yes, I believe I’m a compassionate person and, ironically, so did my co-worker. She told me I was “…always deserving of kindness” and I have the e-mail from her to prove it. Of course, that was before our fallout. It was awkward during the first month because I was hoping my giving her space would help mend things, but once she refused to speak to me about our issue, I had to let it go. Months later, I realized she was still holding a grudge against me when I noticed she would duck into a cubicle to avoid having to pass me when I happened to be in the aisle as well. I went to her cubicle and gave her an unconditional apology and went back to my cubicle. I didn’t think it would make a difference and I was right, but at least I can say I did everything I could do to make things better between us.

    • Get your life

      December 1st, 2014 at 4:05 PM <Р> Бесшумный лечение является формой о злоупотреблении ф. Будучи в браке с моим мужем в течение 8 лет и каждые 4 или 6 месяцев, он входит в зацепление в одном. Это будет продолжаться в течение почти 2 месяцев. Да, я сказал 2 месяцы. <Р> В настоящее время он делает молчание, а я 8 месяцев беременности, он игнорирует меня и смотрит мне нести тяжелые вещи все время. Отказался идти к своим детям оценок. Так многие вещи, которые он делает в то время как на этом молчаливом лечения.
      & # 8211; отказывается есть еду я готовлю
      & # 8211; омывает только его одежда и сын & # 8217;. S одежда <Р> Он говорит, что дон & # 8217; т уважение его
      & # 8212; Скажите, пожалуйста, как я могу уважать человека, который решает участвовать в такого рода поведение? <Р> Я забыл, пожалуйста, спросите меня, что обычно начинается молчанием? <Р> & # 8212; Ваше предположение столь же хорошо, как моя
      & # 8212; Иногда я даже не уверен, что это
      & # 8212; На этот раз он сказал, что я захлопнул дверь на него во время аргумента
      (Что не произошло)
      & # 8212; В другой раз он делал что-то кровать, и я сказал ему, чтобы остановить, а затем молчание лечения последовало.
      & # 8212; Я никогда не знаю, что вызывает его <Р> Он сказал моей маме, что это единственный способ, которым он может нанести ответный удар и сказал кто-то, что он хочет, чтобы поставить меня на место. <Р> я, наконец, решил, что у меня было достаточно, и я так устал от людей банальность его. Они говорят, что & # 8220; по крайней мере, он Безразлично & # 8217; т удар или обмануть вас и # 8221. Ну, он мог бы а потому что ущерб это делает для нашего брака находится на том же уровне, если не хуже. <Р> Бесшумный Лечение
      & # 8211; ломает доверие в браке
      & # 8211; делает ваша жена / партнер потерять уважение к вам (потому что вы действуете как ребенок)
      & # 8211; Вы делаете ваша жена / партнер теряет все, что чувство у них есть для вас
      & # 8211; Как они могут поверить, что вы будете там для них, если вы можете игнорировать их так долго и не заботиться о них.
      & # 8211; Как вы можете игнорировать кого-то, что долго, а затем вернуться и сказать, что я сожалею, и вы ожидаете, чтобы они поверили вам? Вы шутите ME <Р> Это как этот блок льда, который вы держите сколы прочь. И после того, как вы остановите свое текущее молчание, это занимает месяцы, чтобы получить эти чувства обратно. Но думаю, что вы чип лед снова, потому что вы в конечном итоге делает это снова в другом 3 до 6 месяцев. <Р> SO RUN RUN НАРОД, потому что они не изменятся. И жизнь должна SHORT быть оскорбленными.

    • Deedee

      December 11th, 2014 at 6:52 PM

      My husband does the same things. He won’t eat my food when he’s mad. I used to care about the silent treatment but not anymore. The military separated us for a year so I had time to grow and heal away from him. I think he’s realizing that his silent treatment doesn’t affect me like it used to.

    • Laura

      May 5th, 2019 at 7:30 PM

      It’s so awesome to see people who say that the silent treatment doesn’t effect them anymore. It’s like you have built your own confidence and you are immune to the attacks, giving the attacker less power. If only we can figure out how to teach that to everyone, then these tactic won’t work any more.

    • Tarnz

      December 2nd, 2014 at 9:59 PM

      I live presently with my folks, who show signs of this majorly. My father has become more and more like my mother. My mother will give me the silent treatment, yell and curse at me if she does not get her way. they are both very controlling and try to find out everything thats happening in my life, where I have spent my money etc. financially and all ways. We also belong to a church and there is a lot of pressure even though I have been hurt to attend this. My parents say i need to just get over myself and move on. i am always blamed and told its my fault and that its your illness. My mother throws tantrums like a child and storms off, she refuses to cook and dad cooks for her always. i feel the treatment in the house is very unfair as mum gets away with everything. The fact is i know i am living in an abusive household, and it gets me down, but having the strength to get out is what I am struggling with and i feel some need to stay, must be the codependency in me. Also financially I would struggle if I moved out, but i have to say they affect my emotional makeup constantly and i am given limits and boundaries like a child even though I am 31 years of age. I have lived out of home before but returned home when my marriage failed. I tend to always get into abusive relationships as i am used to them/ I need help

    • Mary

      December 3rd, 2014 at 9:39 AM

      I found the Silent Treatment to be one of the cruelest forms of “punishment” inflicted by this dangerous narcissistic man I lived with for nearly a year, and knew for two and a half years. We were supposedly best friends. What a farce. It’s been 4 months since I left and I’ve come a long way, but there are days of feeling absolutely sick and sad and used when I realize the whole thing was nothing but a chimera. It’s like having sawdust in my mouth, my heart, my brain. All the emotion, time, energy I poured into this fellow. Always doing for him. God. Getting kind of tired of the sadness that comes out of nowhere after I think, “Hey, I think I’m getting better, think I’m enjoying my new life alone.” I’m so angry at myself for experiencing this strange “bereavement” that I feel. I KNOW what’s it’s like to lose someone you really love and who really loves you. My adult son died several years ago and it almost did me in. To put the two experiences even in the same “grief” category makes me sick. I guess I’m mostly angry at myself for trying to fill a huge hole from the loss of my son, the loss of a long-standing marriage, the loss of a sense of comfort and security with an illusion that became an utterly spiky, thorny, cruel experience — with just enough good memories from the beginning and interspersed throughout much of the relationship to keep me emotionally hooked. I despise that; I despise the narcissist. And I’m not very happy with myself either.

    • Completelyfooled

      December 5th, 2014 at 7:15 PM

      Hi Mary,

      I know exactly how you feel. I am also having a similar experience with a narcissistic man. I am so mad at myself because I can’t believe how blinded I was. In the beginning we started out as really good friends and I never thought much about it until things developed further with constant emails and flirting. I ended up falling head over heals in love with the man and I thought he felt the same way. The first time we hung out together alone he told me he loved me and stupid me I should have known then. He was all I thought about and we had even planned our future together. It wasn’t until the past few months that i started seeing his true colors. He also likes to play the silent treatment game. He will talk to me and then the next day will ignore me and when I see him he acts like nothing is wrong and likes to twist my words around. He is the charmer and thinks everyone loves him. i feel so used and emotionally sick to my stomach for all the lies he fed to me. I even confronted him and told him he was a narcissist and I think this is what started the latest silent treatment game. He is so good at playing mind games it is sick. I am tired of being emotionally manipulated and abuses by him. I have been going to therapy for months and this has helped me see this man for who he truly is. I also think he has someone else too and is doing a good job at covering that up. All i am trying to do is move on and it is difficult when this man is still in my life so i am working on no contact. I just keep thinking about all the good memories we had and it brings me back to those times and i immediately try to snap myself out of it because i am just starting to realize that he has the problems and not me. I feel bad for the other women that he is going to pursue. This man was good at manipulating and I wish I saw this before i got so emotionally invested in him.

    • Jennifer G

      December 9th, 2014 at 11:59 PM

      Your story could be me. I used to think my fiance had to be seeing someone else because that is the only thing that would keep his attention away so thoroughly. I found out much too late that he was. It hurt, like death. He has told me since that because I let him treat me anyway he wanted, that I put no brakes on his behavior, I helped him into the arms of another because he never had to feel abandoned or alone. Like I felt all the time and that chilled me to my bones. I made possible all his abuses and disrespect. I’ll never live that way again but if I could do it over I would reject him with the same silent treatment and no response and not be around or let him come over. I would do that with no explanation whatsoever. One time I blocked his # on my phone to where I didn’t even know if he was trying or not. That worked but he just tried to suck me back in. Turns out the other woman knew me and about us and what I said to her eventually became her fate. I said You will love it when it’s your turn. I have seen him since and I just don’t like him anymore. What a horrible person he was to treat his partner in life so casually. He cannot tolerate being treated like he treats women. I hope you figure it out before you end up in a mental ward like I did. I kept showing up for more pain. Good luck!

    • Mary

      December 6th, 2014 at 11:17 PM

      Yeah, Completelyfooled, I know what you mean. What’s so screwy is going back and forth, wondering have I imagine the manipulation, the abuses, the mental mind games, or is there some fundamental lack in me? As a cerebral narcissist he withheld affection, intimacy and sex, but I told myself (and, unfortunately, keep telling myself) that there must have been something wrong with ME. When I left I told him that I wouldn’t treat a dog the way he treated me, wouldn’t starve an animal of affection the way he does humans. It was all a mistake from the beginning, and I guess I was a willing participant because of the holes I had in my life and from being sad for so very long in many ways. I guess I feel bad for the women he’s pursuing — in a way — but I always see him in my mind’s eye as truly happy with someone else.

      There’s a way out of this, a way to get better, of this I’m sure. My own fear, and one I’ll have to deal with alone, is a fear of being alone for the rest of my life. In the long run, however, when I think back to how I felt the day I left that man and called the whole charade quits, it has to be better living alone that going through the strange torture I went through of knowing that my feelings were never reciprocated, that it was all a hoax, an illusion, right from the beginning. Who wants to be around someone who refuses to allow you to touch him or to do the normal throwing an arm around him when you’re feeling just friendly, just affectionate. That’s no way to live. I need to overcome the feelings of being duped, being secretly laughed at behind my back, being all part of a set-up. I know this: we have more courage than these narcissists do, because they never acknowledge their lack, just keep using and using, afraid of running short of even a yucky supply, which I must have been to him. Embarrassing and humiliating, but now I certainly see why none of his past women, or even men friends, seem to have nothing to do with him. Can’t ALL be me, I tell myself logically.

    • Susan

      January 11th, 2015 at 7:26 AM

      Yes sweet Mary. I was married for twenty years three kids. Man home every night with zero compliments, hand holds affection or hugs. I knew kids were going soon at 20 17 and 16. I spent a year trying to get him to change. He couldn’t think of one reason he wanted to get married twenty years prior with counselor, I cried and divorced. I still miss him he was family. But it was too lonely of a way to live. He will not speak to me ever and sees me as the blame. I forgave him and me told him I will always love him and now, I’m realizing my healing comes through me and God no one else including him can help. People like you help. I understand your story first hand it’s mine. He stiffened like a board if I wanted to hug him, never hugged me back. My ex was severe passive aggressive, the more I wanted the less he gave. I’m free and looking for one that wants to hug and love me well. In the mean time, I’ve got my kids labs and nice men to date. We go through life once. God wants us to be loved… susie
      It took two years to heal, but I still feel the scars and think it hurt my self worth a little, coming back a little more each day….

    • Beth

      December 7th, 2014 at 5:36 AM

      My mother is a narcissist and instead of marrying my father which most girls do, I married a narcissistic man. I am trying to ignore his silent treatment as if it does not bothers me. Ironically I have an MA in Conflict Resolution, so his behavior REALLY bothers me.
      I do not want to divorce him, is there any hope?

    • Laura

      December 9th, 2014 at 7:22 PM

      I’m so glad I ran into this site! I never get to talk about how I feel with my friends because I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for almost 7 years and they all think everything is perfect with him. I didn’t realized he was doing this to me consciously until I read some of your comments. The worst part has been realizing that he can see me hurting and crying but still doesn’t care about inflicting me so much pain. Every time I ask what’s wrong he answers he is tired (while ignoring and avoiding talking or even looking at me). Is it possible to love someone and purposely hurting them at the same time?? I feel very confused. He seemed like a good guy. But I hate this “punishing” act (specially cuz I haven’t done anything wrong!!). I’m not a child so I hate being treated like one. What should I do?

    • Jennifer G

      December 11th, 2014 at 2:19 PM

      Laura – I ran across this site and read through many links and passages jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/Best-Ways-to-Respond-to-Silent-Treatment . I’m not surprised to discover there are many dynamics going on and I am on one side of each dysfunction i.e. codependency, empathy etc. It’s kind of sad because I feel doomed to repeat esp having extricated myself from a NPD ex fiancée, only to fall for another years later. So today we have the availability of chat rooms and while nothing takes place of interpersonal relations and treatment for problems, hopefully you can read some stuff and integrate it. Try and really wrap your mind around this : you can only change yourself, and how you perceive the situation. Let go of changing him right now because you need some relief from your pain. It sounds like you have a lot of years of a certain type of reaction and dynamic within your relationship and if you can change your ways, things can improve. But the problem will remain and it is his problem. I found relief in seeing my ex as a child, stomping his foot and saying ‘nyeh’ ‘nyeh’ ‘I don’t like this’ or whatever. Then I could laugh inside and try to address what the adult me knew was really going on.

    • Jennifer G

      December 11th, 2014 at 4:44 PM

      Laura, shrink4men.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/more-on-emotional-detachment-surviving-ongoing-abusive-relationships/ Also try this. It says for men but it’s for women.

    • mike

      December 22nd, 2014 at 5:11 AM

      If someone is not with you they’re against you….. If you have sacrificed the safety of your life for that person, you should be held in high esteem….. Your time is very important please don’t waste it on people that don’t listen. Don’t let emotions control you

    • Jennifer G.

      December 26th, 2014 at 6:17 PM

      Someone is listening. I don’t agree with the with me or against me topic here. It reminds me of all or nothing, black or white thinking and is too fascist for my taste. In life there are grey areas to operate from amd this is what I strive to do. Im not in the habit of abandoning friends but if necessary, like I just did the other week, I tell them what they specifically did that I choose not to engage with them anymore. I gave them an opportunity to remedy it months before ending it.
      There are so many mixed messages among guys and girls. And if one is an NPD ? Forget it everything they say is a manipulation to get what they want at that moment. How interesting it would be to go through life not having the ability to empathize or care about consequences of my behavior on others.

    • mike

      December 22nd, 2014 at 5:29 AM

      If someone is not with you there against you. Don’t talk to someone that talks to everybody. No can be trusted with out a reason. Words are weapons use them wisely. Think three times before you speak. Say something in your head. Then speak it. Always make it sound good. ‘ My father died’ or ” my dad passed away.” Body functions are always a bad topic. And remember your time is important don’t waste it on deaf ears.

    • Jennifer G.

      December 26th, 2014 at 10:06 PM

      Then again, look where all that has gotten you. Ammiright? Good Fresh Ideas though.

    • Janet Smith

      December 26th, 2014 at 4:15 AM

      I am living with a son who exhibits these traits. He is angry because I moved away from where he wanted to live. Due to health reasons I moved to a warmer climate. He lacks the ability to go back. He is constantly critical. He gives me the silent treatment often. He is manipulative and controlling and we get Into a power struggle. When these tactics don’t work he is verbally abusive towards his younger sister. When he wants something he talks. At the end of the day I feel totally drained of energy.
      It is absolute bedlam. He is disruptive and rebellious. I don’t know how long it will go on.

    • Patricia

      December 28th, 2014 at 2:24 PM

      We are currently getting the silent treatment from our daughter because in her opinion our Christmas gifts were not good enough. She compares them to the gifts she got for us, which she says she carefully thought out, and that we did not put any thought into her gifts.
      We got her a $300 camera that we thought it best for her to pick out, and then we gave her various gift cards adding up toanother $200.
      She had given us a wish list of things like a new coffee table, a kitchen table, a hamper, and frames for pictures. None of these we could get, because we believe they should be personal taste for her apartment. She attacked us for the gift cards we gave her, saying it takes no thought to get them, and it was so predictable because they were on her list and there was no surprise.
      When she complained that she was not interested in a particular book and calendar we got her because they were not on her list, we told her that was exactly how we tried to surprise her, by doing something thoughtful and unexpected that she may like. She seemingly wants to have it both ways.
      In any event, she is now giving us the silent treatment. At times she will respond and say “I’m being civil,” but she is clearly trying to punish us. These responses are one-word responses and grunts. She will not let go of this, claiming to be “hurt.”
      How do we deal with this? It is so hurtful, and there is no reasoning with her.
      Thank you.

    • Patricia

      December 28th, 2014 at 4:43 PM

      I also wanted to add, that in the past year, our daughter has given nothing, not even a card, for my husband’s birthday or my birthday, which was only a month ago. She also never acknowledged our 25th wedding anniversary…never even called us on the phone.
      I see behavior here that she cannot give to others for the sake of giving….but when it’s Christmas, she gets all excited at buying for others because there will be something in return for her. Am I on the right track?

    • Lauren

      December 29th, 2014 at 9:41 PM

      This article summed the situation up perfectly.only difference is the narc is my brothers new partner. He has reciently divorcedafter a 20 year abusive marriage.he works very hard we are the only ones left of old family.he met her on internet.we are all that is left of old family.she was welcomed at first then horriable comments came from her in my brothers absence.i told my brother he doesnt believe them.he became engaged to her yet she is married.she has a history of conflict.i said the word mistress jokingly had to apologize 3 times in writing.she refuses to talk after a period of abusive phone calls.my brother came home alone this christmas.i had been critically ill he was on the phone to her 5 times a day even during meals.i spoke to him about respect.i feel she has manipulated him as an instrument to measure out the cruelest behaviour I have endured especially when I am still so ill..I also fear for his welfare..I dont wish to loose my big brother.he thinks she is his little angel. It is beyond heartbreaking.i have even said she is welcome here he said he doesnt want to be alone.i understand.he said he will talk to her again in a few months.forgive me but this is ripping me apart and I dont trust her.L

    • Lauren

      December 30th, 2014 at 8:15 AM

      I just wish to say I want the best for my brother.this woman has had a work colleuge fired and the colleuge picked her up and threw her in the supermarket freezer.i used to get the poor me routine and rescue me routine when I was on duty.when she had attention everything was fine.she was writting horrid things on social media and phoning my friends.my brother gave me some money to help out when I became so ill.as my late husband had done many years ago.thats family. She phoned threatening legal action and now I have a debit with the bank I paid the money back asap.i had to give good quality presents we usually do but she sent cheap tin garden figure.that sounds selfish I know my brother was embarressed.
      She threatened to kick in our family graves.i am beside my self with worry this woman is too close to the family.please advise.L

    • Mack

      December 30th, 2014 at 5:32 PM

      Thank you for giving me insight into the mind of a narcissist. I am only just now learning that this type of person exists. I had what I would consider a friendship with a female narcissist that totally blew up with each of us saying some pretty hurtful things. We had a huge text war and then she initiated the silent treatment. This all occurred about 8 years ago. I tried to apologize hundreds of times over the years and she will still not speak or acknowledge me. She used smear campaigns to convince our friends that I was crazy, obsessive, and a stalker. All of it has been extremely hurtful and I have blamed mysef this entire time. A terrible burden to carry. It fills your mind with so much self doubt and depression. I am just now beginning to understand thanks to articles just like this. Thank you.

    • Lauren

      January 1st, 2015 at 10:53 AM

      Hi Mack.it has been stressful christmas I too feel the burden as remaining family and so ill.i tried to talk to my brother alone saying you wouldnt bring this in on mum and dad if they were alive dont hurt me.he would walk away.ask questions of our friends whom backed me and told the truth.i wonder if we are the sensitive ones that can not let go if we know it is wrong.all I can say is true friends know you they know the truth about your character. Somehow we have to find a way to walk away.let go for your health and sanity.there are many lovely sincere people out there.L

    • net

      January 1st, 2015 at 6:50 AM

      First I get insults, cruel awful things said followed by the silent treatment which lasts up to a full week. Leaving me confused, frightened, lonely, and self loathing. I’m wondering is all who administer the silent treatment a narcissistic person? It’s strange, almost like two different people are in one body. One kind fun loving person and one unbelievably cruel with words.. it’s almost a cycle. Sometimes once a month, at good times once every two months. I can almost see it coming like a storm brewing. Is this narcissism?

    • Lauren

      January 1st, 2015 at 10:41 AM

      Hi I at first didnt believe the venomous comments .we had a fast and intense phone relationship.it was too good to be true my brother was happy we were friends.the nasty started when she saw how we lived.behind my brothers back..he doesnt believe what I say is true.then the silent treatment from her until one day her son got into trouble with the western australian police.she called me for advice.went against my professional advice.now the silent treatment again.even to my friends.my brother pretends it is not happening anything for a quiet life.i am sure he has depression.i would say the silent treatment is cruelity abuse and controlling.
      I am inches away from saying to my brother my only remaining family that he is welcome home but leave lorraine she hates her real name.up the pilbra.my health must come first.i suggest you become self sufficient and cut off the narc.they dont change and have a really cruel side to be doing this to someone they say they love.you have done nothing wrong.take care

    • Jennifer G

      January 2nd, 2015 at 12:20 PM

      Sounds like the person is raging, #net. I grew up in a house where raging was a daily occurrence. It’s awful – do they get physically abusive? How is their communication style, are they reasonable when you discuss what you don’t like or do they respond with silence and more abuse. Can you take a look at what you may be doing that contributes to the problem? Like what is going on before the cruel words. In my experience with ragers it helped to listen and communicate when things were calm and what stopped them on the spot was hugging them. Weird, I know.

    • fin

      January 3rd, 2015 at 2:51 AM

      I found this a very good article. It overlaps to family dysfunction and thanks to you, I now have a possible diagnosis for my mother, who when I asked one more time to have my feelings considered in our relationship, has for the last 10 months given me the silent treatment (again). I am 40 and this has been going on my whole life, alongside childhood emotional and psychological abuse in my youth. I wonder, is it reasonable for me to let go of any responsabilty to a future relationship?

    • Bryan

      January 4th, 2015 at 3:51 AM

      Worst thing about Narcissists is their incredible double standards and hypocrisy yet we keep on giving them the benefit of the doubt because our feelings are begging for forgiveness when all the time they are just taking advantage of our better nature.

      This is now my second [ in a row ] experience of a narcissist and, understandably , I am in introspective mode, questioning my failings at getting involved with them in the first place. Yet their charisma and looks will always leave the door open for potential engagement.

      On the plus side whether through time or ‘Karma’ it does appear to be the case that ultimately they do seem to get their just rewards by which time all us victims have wisened up leaving them alone with just their over inflated ego’s for company. At least this is what I am hoping for although in life there will always be someone out there who cannot resist beleiving a good line!!

    • shyla

      January 5th, 2015 at 1:19 AM

      I really needed to see this. What an eye opening read. I’m going through a breakup and the silent treatment was one of my exes favorite and most utilized method of punishment. It would always end by me calling or texting or contacting him…then everything is nice and back to normal. He’d very rarely if ever apologize for anything he did wrong. He would frequently snap at me for no reason or become brooding and moody without explanation. He is a fan of psychological warfare books such as the 48 Laws of Power/Art of Seduction/Art of War/etc and I realized he would use those emotional techniques in the relationship. I always thought I was being overly sensitive but everything in the article described his actions to a tee. The very very few times I seriously did not call or text when he was wrong and employed the silent treatment, he’d call and subtly imply suicidal implications. The entire relationship was control and manipulation of some sort. It’s been very difficult staying strong but I definitely couldn’t endure another year of the moodiness, constant nasty attitude without provocation, lack of emotional empathy, and silence/never being able to address issues. Glad I have some more insight from this site.

    • Lauren

      January 5th, 2015 at 10:42 AM

      Hi shyla
      If the narc is giving you the guilt game dont play it is control.yet never walk away from a sucide.phone ambulance or and police to attend their home.that way you have given them attention and cleared yourself.let the professionals sort it out.i guarentee it will only happen a couple of times.write down what is important to you and draw a circle around it.look after what is in the circle. why think you are over sensitive when you care for others.i hate that tag.sensitive is good.i am begining not to care if my brother thinks I am fibbing or not.it hurts too much he should know better it is his loss I am his only remaining relative. Lorraine can control him and be nasty she is not worthy of a good family my brother has to work it out for himself. Look on the silence as peaceful and take care of yourself please.

    • Lauren

      January 5th, 2015 at 10:47 AM

      Just adding I still love my brother he is welcome home. I can not let this schoolyard bully game damage my life.

    • Lisa

      January 7th, 2015 at 5:19 AM

      Astonished to read this article. I just came out of such toxic relationship after 7 years. I have been so lost and bewildered and so stressed. Didn’t know what went wrong until reading this. I have been emotional abused all these years yet didn’t realize it. Until last month I decided that his silent treatment has reached my limits and so I call it quit.

    • The Grinch

      January 7th, 2015 at 11:08 AM

      People who know Stephen don’t believe me when I tell them how I treat him. He is textbook Narc and I cut him down to the core of his skeleton. I make fun, disparage, belittle and cajole him, always with razor sharp accuracy, lest it not cut deep enough. Half the year we don’t live in the same state so we do our thing by written proxy. Things will hum along fine, then not fine, then who ever knows with these fools and next thing I hear he’s telling the world how awful I am, then starts the ‘hate mail.’ I have had to figuratively wag my finger at this big tall scary guy in utter disobedience lecturing to get him back in line and after so many disses by the last time I saw him he was nervous around me ?! I know, like what should I expect but he is a marauding and psychological bully worse than I could ever spew out with words. My girlfriend tells me that I want to get hit ?! but I never quite let it get there.
      I have treated him this way almost from the gate — initially reacting to what I viewed as 6 year old baby brat behavior and He takes it — he takes it all and comes back for more. He barely likes me if I am not treating him this way. This summer I vilified him with a long voice message that got to him so badly he cried. With that I had crossed some sort of line that took a while to recover from.

      Of course in the strained relations we’re becoming completely severed – but if he didn’t have other supply he wouldn’t mind any of it. In between these bouts used to be classic enticing and mesmerizing traits but he doesn’t seem to allow that now. What I’m looking for specifically is any insight into why a classic Narc/Abuser would accept this behavior.

      He tells me all the time what’s wrong with me.

    • Jennifer G.

      January 7th, 2015 at 4:06 PM

      Sounds like they’re used to it #Grinch.

    • Lauren

      January 11th, 2015 at 11:09 AM

      Hi just wondering what your opinion is.? My friends (sincere family friends) seem to think my brother’s narc wont ever contact sister (me) again .that she will not return to our family home or speak again because I stood up to her.what his private life is is his business. He wants to return home he is looking for property.they seem to think she wont come.she is much older and he was getting his affairs in order.he doesnt want to be buried with her.its like she is the house keeper.with fringe benifits.he has convinced her to cease all social media as she is very inappropriate. Christmas was an revelation for him.when we communicate its happy lite and dont mention her. I still want family but our friends say just concerntrate on health happiness she wont speak again its been a year now..even after apology gifts. what are your thoughts please….relieved I was not married to it. Do you document antisocial narc behaviours or let it pass.this could hurt my brother.

    • Jennifer G

      January 15th, 2015 at 3:55 AM

      Lauren: Document it !!! Trouble is with men in general, not just your cherished narcissist, what guy says to her may be wildly different from the story you get..

    • Lauren

      January 15th, 2015 at 11:40 AM

      Thanks Jennifer G appreciate your reply. The narc is my brothers new female partner. Her actions have had serious impact on this home.she lorraine has not spoken in 12 months and we are cleaning up her mess. I was so upset last night I thought of ending everything. I sms my brother he lives the other side of Australia. I told him I have never met such cruel vermon she would be happy if I did. I know it was wrong I feel broken.0600here time for fresh coffee.thanks again.J

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      January 15th, 2015 at 11:45 AM

      Thank you for your comment, Lauren. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

      Warm regards,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Lauren

      January 16th, 2015 at 3:52 AM

      Sincere thankyou for your professional concern.I am in Australia and have an appointment with a health care professional next week.we are made of tuff stuff down under.your site is good and I wish everyone well J.

    • Erica

      January 15th, 2015 at 4:16 PM

      Someone approached me from a literary agency who is writing an expose on a public figure I knew intimately. They found me through social media and will pay me for the story. They have offered anonymity by changing the names but the person will know who it is really about. Normally I would decline but that person still owes me money that getting paid would offset. Frankly they don’t give a rats ass who they rat on so, taking a tail off that I would like to take the project. That public figure, a textbook malignant narcissist , has already tried to smear me here and there. The people who matter don’t care and likely don’t believe it so; should I worry the narc will come after me or should I do this to rid myself of the daemon once and for all. The last laugh would be on them since they are so distraught at the idea of being found out for what they really are.

    • Mary

      January 15th, 2015 at 7:03 PM

      Interesting, Erica. Well, it would be a vindication of sorts if you were to take on the project. But, yeah, I think the narc would probably come after you and step up the smear campaign. If you’re prepared for that, then tally ho! Personally, I don’t think it would rid you of the daemon once and for all — these narcissists seem to have such staying power, but it sure might help feel as if you have some control and a say in the matter. Your side of the story would be heard — whether people believe it or not, that remains to be seen.

      Here’s the funny thing I’ve experienced: I’ve been pretty vocal with comments on a couple of narc abuse forums in an attempt to help myself better understand this whole thing, the narc, me, my own insecurities and things I need to work on. That’s all, just on forums. But I feel so guilty, so wrong sometimes for doing so. I have no idea if there’s been an attempted smear campaign against me from the narc because I’ve cut all contact and do not have any contact with people he and I knew together. I have no idea what he’s said or not said. Many people didn’t even know we were living together anyway, as he never mentioned me to anyone he may have known. But I STILL feel funny that I’ve turned this thing over, studied the whys of it all, tried to understand why this guy gave me the Silent Treatments — now I know because I’ve done my research and my homework :) — but I feel as if I’ve been “noisy” and “loud” about it, just from discussing it all in forums only. No smear campaign. I did talk to my sister a couple of times, but only in a rather general way. She knew I was hurting, knew I was miserable, knew I was absolutely lost. My point is, how will this publicly exposing the malignant narc affect you? Is it going to mess you up? Cause problems with triggers? That’s the concern. Not the narc at this point. Sounds like you’ll have to be pretty brave and ready for any onslaught of negativity that might come your way.

    • Erica

      January 16th, 2015 at 3:36 AM

      #Mary those are thoughtful remarks. Thanks. I wanted feedback but at this point I wouldn’t do it. There’s no honest way to leave my behavior out of it and truthfully … I like this person too much to expose anything and I like myself even more (to expose me). Brrrrr gives me the shivers. By like too much I mean that I don’t burn friends. It seems I have been placed on the left side of the narcissist’s supply, somehow from just a month ago when I was on the A team. I haven’t done anything differently except not let it get to me. They would have me on a slab and guillotine and yet if their supply was thin I would be welcomed back. I don’t know what your narcissist is like but this one has tried to smear me often and it seems to fall short. I don’t think anyone ever wants to deal with two people’s obvious personal issues. That and I think the ‘evidence’ speaks for itself. I also don’t think anyone involved is reading these, unless of course the narc put out an a.p.b. on it, as they tend to do in moments of .. sheer exasperation probably. I have learned that a person’s repertoire of coping skills is highly predictable. Also I don’t understand what you mean with all the players in your narrative, if you care to elaborate. It sounds like your new found freedom is very recent and that makes you the brave one.

    • Mary

      January 16th, 2015 at 6:30 PM

      Well, Erica, it’s been about 5 months and the only “brave” thing I did was acknowledge that the narc was devaluing me big time, that a friendship that meant a lot to me needed to end, that I was slowly losing my sanity, mostly from the Silent Treatments and constant triangulation, and that one of us had to have the courage to keep this whole strange relationship from devolving any further than it already had. He wasn’t ready to, because he needed my part of the dough to keep it all running. Sigh. I felt a lot more for him than he ever did me, and that rather embarrassed me to figure out and come to terms with, because in the beginning he seemed to have as much hope for a deeper friendship as I had. Kind of humiliating to find that his behavior is repeated again and again in his life with other women, and that he is completely aware of it all and how all the relationships/friendships will eventually end. I think the man I lived with knows he’s a malignant narcissist, and — to his credit — I think he dropped a lot of hints along the way. But, when you’ve never dealt with Narcs before, it seems impossible that the things they tell you are just lies and manipulation to get them want they want, when they need it. The incredible boredom, arrogance, hubris, treating people as if they were beneath their contempt (including myself), and grooming others from their online and physical harem was a very painful thing for me to experience and admit as truth. He won’t smear me or get in touch with me in the future, well, because I’m a nothing to him and he has bigger and better fish to fry.

    • Leslie

      January 21st, 2015 at 2:09 PM

      Hi everyone.
      I came to this sight because I’ve recently went through a painful D&D. I’ve been with this man for 3 years. Slowly and very carefully planned this man controlled everything. We’ve broken up 5 times in the last 2 years and everytime I’ve had to beg for money, move back home with my dad and pretty much walked away with my clothes. He always comes back saying he’s a changed man and I always believe him. I was not allowed to work anywhere but with him for his business, eventually I had no friends, had alienated most of my family, no job, no car, no bank account as he controlled all of that. I left a few months ago and have made the terrible mistake of reaching out to him, begging for closure or an apology. Anything I can get from him but he’s ignored me completly and its devastated me. He still pays for my cell phone but that’s it. I’m looking for a job now, in therapy and trying to pick up the pieces. I’m 41 years old and never ever saw this coming and I’ve never felt so used up, miserable and tired in my life. I’m about to get on my dads cell plan and go full NC but something in me is afraid of it, I have reached a point that I almost want him to Hoover me again. It’s sick and twisted but I’m a bundle of nerves and on edge every minute of the day. I just don’t understand any of it and the worst thing about it is if he comes back, Im afraid I won’t be able to ignore him. Can I get some support here? Lol:)

    • Mary

      January 16th, 2015 at 7:18 PM

      Forgot to mention: As for your comment about burning friends, I’m with you there. I have info on this man that I could have used against him just to exact vengeance, but that’s not the way I do things. The only thing I wish I’d done differently was to keep a cool head when I left and in the four emails (out of five months and all within a couple of months of leaving) I sent him. I did not keep a cool head. I was a sobbing, ranting, noisy mess when I left (not me typically) and a hurt woman trying to explain the impossible to a man who could never understand a scintilla of what I expressed in my emails. Wish I could have been calm and collected, but I was a basket case. I’d been in nearly constant contact with this man for almost three years, lived with him for almost a full year, and withdrawing from it all, from him REALLY felt like going off a drug I was highly addicted to. Very, very weird.

      Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

    • akue

      January 18th, 2015 at 2:13 PM

      A Narc could be the other half trying to label the other half as Narc. Did you ever ask the person the reason for their silent treatments? what about your own behaviour towards your other half? did you always disregard his/her feeling when they try to tell you what you done is unacceptable. withdrawing your self from someone who is hurting you could be the only way to your them that their treatment was not acceptable.

    • flygirl

      February 7th, 2015 at 9:53 AM

      Narcs do tit for tat….if you say “Why are you giving me the silent treatment”….they will say “Why are you giving me the silent treatment”?
      You can never get a healthy discussion and mature conversation from them. They are dysfunctional in the brain. Dont waste your precisioius time.

    • Mary

      January 18th, 2015 at 6:24 PM

      Hi, akue:

      If silent treatments were the only aspect in the relationship/friendship, then what you’re suggesting might be possible. Having someone downright ignore you, not even look at you in most cases — while living in the same small space — for three days or more is punishment/abuse no matter how you look at it, not a healthy reaction to hurt. In my case, I never even knew if I’d done something “wrong” or not. It’s also a way for narcissists to buy themselves some time to communicate with other people (usually of the opposite sex) they’re interested in. The man I lived with would lock himself away for days during the silent treatment, stay on the computer all day, not even look at me when he had to walk by me. Who deserves such treatment? Especially when the other person doesn’t even know what she’s done. I used to ask, what have I done? It’s a cruel way to deal with others. Sadistic. When you get the full onslaught of a narcissistic silent treatment, there’s usually some grooming going on of another person — you’re on your way out by then, devalued, beneath the narcissist’s contempt, pointedly proven by treating you as if you are nothing but an annoying speck of a speck. It’s not healthy. No one deserves such prolonged silent treatment. It’s all about control, reminding the other person in the relationship that she or he isn’t worth the narcissist’s attention. I was rewarded with a small gift or word of praise when I was “good.” “You’ve been good this week,” or “You’ve been a good girl lately.” By the time you’re steeped in such a relationship, and you hear words like that, you’re strangely grateful, glad for even a crumb of acknowledgment and attention. Add many of the other pathological narcissistic behaviors to the silent treatment and you get a stew of mind-bending confusion and agony. When this is all happening during the devaluation (you’ve already been discarded in the Narc’s mind, anyway, whether you stay or leave), the Narc has someone else on the horizon, ready to step in to take you place. It’s the way of it. No one will ever tell me that I did anything to warrant days’ long silent treatments. There is little to no reciprocity in a relationship with a narcissist. Pain, punishment, reward and dosing. And then you’re out.

    • Erica

      January 19th, 2015 at 6:25 AM

      #Akue talk to the hand. leave her alone. “i’m miss world”

    • Erica

      January 19th, 2015 at 12:36 PM

      There was this girl I once knew who accepted abuse. She was too young and too small to fight it, or live without her abuser. When she got old enough, she realized she could remove herself, and she did. She ran away often and sought refuge at her friends’ houses. She was a good girl, took the bus with her friends and stayed in school. Got happy, away from the oppression.

      My Mom would eventually track me down and bring me back home but I used to beg her, “I’m fine here. Let me stay !” But she would insist and it was .. back to the agony. Domestic disputes were not police business back then and as an adult now I can stand up for myself and keep myself safe from such a person, and I do. I remove myself from those who would hurt me. I fiercely protect that little girl and am contented that I love myself enough to do so.

    • Katherine

      January 22nd, 2015 at 10:12 AM

      Erica I experienced a mom like you have. It started very young with me out of 4 other siblings, two older sisters included. Why me i always thought. When I read about this “silent treatment” was a form of mental abuse, I was floored. She would do this to me all the time even when I wasn’t the one who wronged her. She has been gone for 7 years now and I still suffer from her treatment and mental abuse of me. I had no idea she had a narcissistic personality. It was always she was an alcoholic and that’s their behavior to be controlling. I have seen advice for partners and spouses to end the toxic relationship but how can you when it’s your own mother. I tried but the more I did, the more she disliked me and that killed me inside. Therapy, medication, and being less of a part of her target for abuse helped but I have to say that when she passed away I was devestated, but also relieved that she couldn’t hurt me anymore. I acknowledged that she must have hurt inside to do the things she did and I wished for her to find some peace as I still strive every day for mine.

    • Giudice

      January 19th, 2015 at 4:42 PM

      #Mary … I can’t be quiet about this any longer. You do know that much of his ‘narcissism’ is fabricated. It’s an easy exploit to allow him to do whatever he feels like doing at all times to anyone. It’s a lazy, pus** b**** move He’s old and wise enough to know right from wrong. You may recall I have some empathic abilities and psychic energy and I have been with him and felt his feelings with him and they are not an empty narcissistic feeling. He should be well capable of taking responsibility and not doing what he does. Don’t let him fool you with this convenient excuse. I have talked to him about this before so it is not new news.

    • Lauren

      January 20th, 2015 at 6:41 AM

      Hi I just want to say YES they know what they do.90% of behaviour is exactly that behaviour to punish and control. I have done a little homework on our family narc.Her behaviour is well documented at the state lunatic asylum.She is off her meds and upto her old trix.Real narc is a rare thing.it is abuse.

    • Mary

      January 20th, 2015 at 11:30 AM

      Hi, Giudice:

      Do we know the same fellow then? How can that be?

      And, yes, Erica, I have become fiercely protective of myself now.

    • Mary

      January 20th, 2015 at 4:45 PM

      I’ve thought a lot about this. I’m not fooled, perhaps he is, but I’m not. A psychopath is a psychopath for the very reason that he KNOWS what he’s doing. Malignant narcissists, psychopathic narcissists (funny because he once labeled a woman who “did him wrong” a psychopath — sure takes one to know one, I guess — must have sniffed each others’ malodorous scent from half a country away. They both view other people as “Lessers.” Yes, they did, indeed they did. They were PERFECT for each other, and I’m sure he holds her in some strange, twisted high esteem because she brought him down big time. Heh. Heh. Heh.) take no responsibility because they CHOOSE not to take responsibility. It’s calculated, cunning, clever, manipulative and dishonest. It’s cruel and pathological, ESPECIALLY because they know what they’re doing. Of course it’s lazy, of course it’s a pus** b**** move. He IS old and wise enough to know what he’s doing, DOES know what he’s doing and continues doing it, loving it, thinking it’s a form of freedom — out of choice. It’s the furthest thing from freedom possible. Doomed to repeat the same behavior over and over and over again? Choosing to, knowing how it affects those that fall for it? Ooooh, dark and nasty, that is. It’s pathetic, heinous and pathologically dangerous. It WILL backfire on him, as I’m sure it has time and time again, because he’s impulsive, arrogant to a fault, suffers from terrific hubris and doesn’t give a rat’s patoot about anyone but himself. Oh no, this man has feelings, lots of feelings: rage, envy, jealousy, fear of being discovered, shame, love for himself and himself only, boredom so huge it threatens to engulf him, desperation and utter, utter loneliness. If he didn’t know what he was doing, if he didn’t have feelings, I’d pity him. Narcissists aren’t empty, they’re not devoid of feeling. Oh, no, not at all, but the feelings that fill them are so repugnant, we’re better off trimming our toenails or reading War and Peace or petting our sweet, lovable pets than dare to peek at the gooey mess inside them.

    • Crystal

      January 22nd, 2015 at 6:32 AM

      It is true, they know exactly what they are doing and every fool that believes in them and gets crushed is just another victory in their jar of hearts.
      Their picture perfect pretend love is so gloriously painted (in colors they pick perfectly to suit your needs that they dug out of you with deep seeded intimate question from the moment you met)on the outside while the inside intentions are painted black. Pure darkness, no truth or depth to their commitments.

      I feel as if the narcissist is really saying,

      “It is but a show my love , these are your lines and if you play your part just how I expect you to then I will play mine. However dear, of you ask for real love, if you acknowledge the deception , I will delete you and the needs I fill for you and the pretend feelings of love I am so amazing at sharing. I warn you baby, you will wonder if it was all just a dream. You will ache intensely if you point out any lie I tell or promise I break”.

      If you choose to be with a person like this , maybe you should be a good liar and actor.

      The truth will free you from a narcissist faster than they got to know you by asking 102 deep and meaningful questions the day you met.

      It is the most painful break up I have ever experienced. It is the only time in my life I can look at all of it and it is a fog , as if I were hypnotized .

      Had I been aware of his sickness I would have known I wasn’t special at all.

      My life is altered and I trusted in something that was all pretend.
      Forgiving myself is the largest climb.

    • Giudice

      January 21st, 2015 at 12:30 AM

      #Mary Wow. Well put. ! So you are speaking of your partner in life, then? Not your sibling, or your child. So how do you get your wants and needs met? It soundss like all you might be doing is catering to a bad man, a bully who is thrashing around in a cess pool and pulling your head down into it until you suffocate. I would prefer petting the pets and reading, alone without having to take care of some adult with bad behavior and negativity.

      That narc will never have to change, or feel there are problems within him if he always has someone who takes him in, gives him supply and he never has to even bother with that nasty old “abandonment’ feeling.

    • Giudice

      January 21st, 2015 at 12:41 AM

      I’m speaking specifically of a person in a position like you; it’s not always that easy to find new supply that sticks. With you it would seem the only lag time between the last woman he buried under his sadistic games and picking right up where he left off with you is the time it takes to shoot off an e-mail. Am I wrong?

    • Mary

      January 21st, 2015 at 11:49 AM

      I’ve never had a life partner. None of us ever really does. No, you are not wrong. Shoot off an email and it was done. On to the next mark, the next dupe, the next lonely woman. What I found confusing was your writing, “You may recall I have some empathetic abilities and psychic energy … ” a presumption that I know you somehow. Odd, that. And whether or not the news is new to the malignant narcissist, doesn’t matter. Of course it isn’t new news. But, it was news to me. This psychopath wrote that he left his wife for another woman, though she didn’t realize it at the time — which I do not believe — had many relationships during the time I knew him — hell, I was only a burp, a pause, an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. A Lesser burp with little money, a car for transportation and the convenient ability to sign my name on several pieces of paper. For that I have paid dearly by losing my pet, my profit-sharing with a company I worked for for 13 years, my dignity. I guess I got what I had comin’ to me because of poor judgment, desires and vacancies in me that needed filling. My wants and needs? I fill them. And the narc may be forced to change when he’s back in jail or in prison. New supply is hard to come by when incarcerated. Unless, of course, he has someone to correspond with. Odd, that.

    • Jennifer G

      January 21st, 2015 at 11:32 PM

      #leslie I asked him to wean me off like a drug; slowly and … he did. (Gave him time to get the new trick in place). It hurts less that way and gave me time in between to try and pick up a life again. BTW In the past I would ‘warn’ some of the new vics about aspects of the narc that you would think most people would be wary of. Things related to his health that he does not disclose which result in all of his victims contracting illnesses. It’s gross .. point is it never stopped them, but they would get dumped somehow so now I do nothing. The way I look at it, if the girl is dumb enough to fall for a guy who they eventually learn is in another committed relationship, then .. see what happens.

    • Giudice

      January 21st, 2015 at 11:41 PM

      Responding to Mary .. Would you mind addressing the enabling factor of taking him back any lull he has? Being available at all, which it sounds like you still are, prevents the narc from hitting any walls in his own behavior. He gets to ‘let off steam’ and get his ya ya’s out by re-engaging you then blowing you off, and blowing you up, so to speak. If he didn’t have those outlets, he would take it out on someone else and maybe that’s the DOC answer. (Department of Corrections) with the amount of priors my narc has, his next one is gonna put him where he dreads to be. Maybe there he will figure out that he only has himself to blame for where he is but, probably not. Yeah, corresponding with an incarcerated person would be somethin, wouldn’t it? Something I wouldn’t do. How bout you?

    • Giudice

      January 22nd, 2015 at 12:52 AM

      Mary a life partner is so satisfying. I’ve been fortunate enough to have had a couple and I think that’s what life’s about. Finding someone you love and sharing your life with them. Sharing, not obliterating. Speaking of Mr. Narc is unseasonably quiet this week — no more crying which can only mean his punching bag capitulated. While he plans his next European spree, she sacrifices life and limb so he can comfortably plan trips around his various foreign twits. You know he promises them the world, if only they lived in the same country. If punching baggher would show herself and her family even a modicum of respect, Mr. Narc’s world would crumble so vividly. The thing she vows to herself she will one day do, take him down, she has the power to do everyday and .. what does she do with that self love?

    • Giudice

      January 22nd, 2015 at 12:54 AM

      The no contact would destroy him without her doing a thing except respecting her own well being. Oh well, this is how the cookie crumbles.

    • Jennifer G.

      January 22nd, 2015 at 4:50 AM

      #Lauren — what exactly do you want from this forum?

    • Mary

      January 22nd, 2015 at 4:56 PM

      Crystal: Spot. On. That’s it exactly. Man, once you dare to veer away from that narc script, you are toast.

      Guidice: I haven’t seen or spoken with this di*d* in months and months. I don’t re-engage. I’m too old for that and have slowly — painfully slowly — found an outlet in creativity, new friends, re-connection with my family from whom I had isolated myself (the narc hated my family, and somehow, someway, I started to agree that maybe visiting them wasn’t the best thing for me — brainwashing big time, but I allowed it somehow) and a new life. I walked away with nothing. I’d been in an over three-decades-long marriage that was crumbling before I met the narc, walked away with nothing but memories from that; my 32-year-old son had committed suicide the year or so before, and I was casting about for a way to escape EVERYthing. I was the perfect narc mark. The narc blew through my life in the beginning like a marvelous fresh breeze. Exciting and adventurous, funny and smart and yeah, a little dangerous. I didn’t KNOW he was a narc — God, if I’d known that, if I’d known what I know now, I’d have followed my instincts — I was aware of some oddness, a “this doesn’t feel quite right at all, at all” kind of thing, but was completely caught up in that massive “total immersion” and the romance of it all. I’m healthier, better lookin’, funnier, smilier, laughier, sexier and generally all-around better off now. I’ve worked really, really hard to pick up all the slivers remaining of me after nearly 3 years of knowing this man and a year of living with him, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (We’re both writers, so we worked at home and were together all the time, which is why the Silent Treatments became absolutely untenable.). I left nearly six months ago and it’s been a hellish road to recovery, one I would like never, ever to experience again. Yeah, I thought I loved this man, but I realize I did not. I loved someone, something, but it wasn’t him. BUT, the feelings I had, the “me” part of the whole thing were real. I’ve discovered a lot about myself in the process. I have walked hundreds of miles (literally :) — walking has been the chief way of decompressing from all this. Walking and thinking and crying and walking and thinking and walking and walking and slowly, ever so slowly, feeling better.)

      I’m sorry for all of you. Sorry for the pain, because I know what it’s like. And that strange no wanting to let go in the beginning, even when you KNOW it’s the best, the healthiest thing for you, is just mind-blowing.

      Leslie: little by little you’ll begin to feel better and, yes, you probably don’t want to give up that damn cell phone because that will mean you’re giving up the narc and an illusion, a chimera. But it the man you think you care for was never, ever there. It’s ruthlessly painful, all put into motion by a ruthless, nasty Hollow Person Who Never Was.

    • Andrea Schneider

      January 22nd, 2015 at 8:43 PM

      I am glad that this article has been helpful. It is important to get qualified support by a therapist trained in narcissistic abuse recovery. If life coaching is offered in addition to in person psychotherapy, that individual really needs clinical training as a coach to help with the delicate nuances of complex PTSD, among other circumstanced. I offer both psychotherapy and life coaching for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Please contact me through my profile if interested in either (also through telehealth options).

    • Brooke L

      January 27th, 2015 at 4:43 AM

      I just divorced a narcicist and I’m in my living hell

    • Can't believe this

      January 27th, 2015 at 9:28 AM

      You think you are living in a hell but you are about to live life. Free from his lies. Be happy that YOU are not like him. Be happy that YOU did not choose to live life the way he did. Manipulating, lying, abusing. YOU got OUT. Live your life baby! He has stained HIS soul- you did not do that for him. It will all make sense when you have surrounded yourself with good , honest, loving people. You will see him as a ” beDazzled garbage truck” and you will see that any woman that chooses THAT is desperate for live bc she thinks THAT is the best she can get. Be soooo happy it’s not you in his twisted grip anymore. You should feel like the heavens have opened and you are free to experience a living deserving relationship FREE OF ALL THE LIES!!!
      Someone else can have his morsels of crap he calls ” a relationship”.
      Good riddance!!!! Establish no contact rule.
      Let the weight of YOUR abscense do it’s work. He will like it if he knows you are suffering so don’t think telling him off will get you anywhere, he will enjoy it. Best thing is to start living joyously without his terrible, lying, selfish, silent treatment in your life anymore. It is soooo awesome once you shut his presence in your brain OFF. You can do it if you want to!

    • Dee

      February 7th, 2015 at 5:43 AM

      That is a brilliant response. I have cut and paste it into my self help therapy page.

    • flygirl

      February 7th, 2015 at 9:49 AM

      I agree. He will not change. I was married for 30 years. I traveled so I was not around much during the so called marriage. When we both retired, it came fullblown. Narcisstic is an understatement. He retaliated towards me and our home. Silent treatments were one to two days then weeks. I had enough. He left, walked out when I could not take his silence towards me. Left with a duffle bag never to return. I lived in a hell I did not know, until recently. It takes guts and courage to divorce from an emotional abuser. I am still learning two years alone now. Alone…yes, but I am surrounding myself with friends that show me how love is suppose to be. He refused to see his behavior as damaging and toxic….it was all my fault.
      He pushed me into a wall and told me I tripped….denial of an abuser. GET OUT. It is hard but so well worth it. You deserve better, keep saying that cause it is true.
      I found a great website “Kaleah”out of Sedona, an expert on Narcississm. Check it out, I was in therapy for two years and found her help well worth it. She was abused also.
      Pray, the good Lord will help you. Remember no one deserves to be treated badly in this life. No one. Stay strong. Live strong.

    • Sandra

      January 29th, 2015 at 5:01 AM

      I’m just starting the divorce process from my narcissistic husband of 14 years. He left our home to be with a man almost one year ago. They are having an affair that he said he doesn’t want to end but claims he is not gay. He said I drive him to his male lover by not appearing to be happy with the wonderful life he made for me and our two little boys. He was always mentally abusive and, at times, physically when his actions or opinions were challenged . At this point, he has cut off all communication with our 8 and 10 year old boys, me and most of his own family. My phone and emails are blocked and he has instructed his staff to not let me through if I call his office. I am a stay at home mom and am scared to death. Our children are incredibly hurt and blaming themselves for daddy’s abandonment. They are getting counseling but the pain is so intense, I fear for their emotional well being and growth. Can you tell me how your ex handled being served with divorce papers and how he acted during the process? Even though my husband has cut off all communication with us, I worry he will not like me taking control by filing for divorce. I’m sure he knows it is coming. Your thoughts would be appreciated. Hang in there.

    • Can't believe this

      January 29th, 2015 at 9:43 AM

      At some point, we have to except people’s choices. They may not be what we would choose for our life, but they are what they choose for their life. The whole situation is extremely unfortunate. It looks like the only communication you will have with him is through the divorce attorney. Accept that. The best you can do for your children right now is nurture them and show them unconditional love. Let them know that daddy made a choice that he is happy with it and we should be happy for him. Once you realize that you will see that everyone makes choices that we don’t agree with, that’s fine that’s life. You are in a position to move on and you are in a position to know that these are not things you would choose in your life( abondonment, lying, betrayal).
      You should find comfort that your choices are good and loving. You cannot change him you cannot erase what has happened and you cannot prevent his future life with that man.
      He has to live with his choices, so be it.

      What ever negativity he throws at you remember that is his choice to do -it is your choice to let it NOT bother you- it will happen, it will be ugly it will be hard.

      It is a paper that will have to be signed eventually whether he chooses to accept it or not… if he is an extreme coward and wants the best of both worlds by staying married to you on paper and not being a part of your life, he will soon find out it does not work like that.
      And don’t worry right now he thinks that he is on top of the world living the life of his dreams but I guarantee you you do not have to do anything evil or negative because bad things eventually catch up with bad people naturally.

      Be a strong loving kind honest person and that always is extremely beneficial in life.
      Your sons will adore you for not abandoning them. When he is old and his lover has left him he will be looking for someone to take care of him and his children will want nothing to do with his life.
      That’s when it will hurt him the most that’s when he will realize what his selfishness has done and that’s when you will not even care one bit because it was his choices and his bed that he made to lie in.
      So in closing it is what it is…. if he’s happy then that’s great do not let his choices affect your happiness.
      You have your whole life in front of you with your beautiful children why would you let another human being take one moment away from you with their bad choices?

    • Tony

      February 22nd, 2015 at 8:52 PM

      I am speechless, that man is beyond normal selfish by miles.

    • Can't believe this

      January 25th, 2015 at 10:07 PM

      Wow wow wow.
      He visited my work ( a restaurant ) at first once a week then gradually twice a week then three times then four times. It was obvious he was just there to stare at me I asked him multiple times if he had a girlfriend and he always responded no I do not have a girlfriend. Before he asked me out , he started coming every single day..unexpectedly my father died ( he knew him) he was at the wake and the funeral all day long, not saying a word standing by my side.
      I thought this guy completely worshipped me. Everyone that saw him look at me told me he thinks you hung the moon. Why would I think there was another girl in his life? How would he have time for her he was seeing me every day and calling me every day. Little did I know she was receiving the silent treatment.
      Little did I know she was inside his house For Christmas when he had been calling and texting me the whole month of December.
      Little did I know that he was waiting for the perfect opportunity ( that I was 100%in his mental grip) to ask me out and the final discard to her was happening.
      I should have known the first time we were to become intimate after months of him staring at me he looked like a scared child. He set the tone by telling me he does not want this relationship to start with sex. Another tool of the narcissist to control and also because he could not be vulnerable.
      I believed he likes me 100% and I kept making excuses for the inadequate lovemaking which was beyond terrible actually it was less than 30 seconds. There was no caring or intimacy it was all for him nothing for me.
      I was so confused. How could this be possible he had been staring at me for six months. I started doing things blaming myself thinking I wasn’t sexy enough thinking I must be really bad at this tried a 1000 things.
      It did not make sense if he was not happy in the intimacy department and he was shutting down why was he continuing to call me three times a day and arranging our weddings every weekend and asking me who’s at the restaurant where am I where am I going and what a my doing. There are always red flags but I chose not to see them. on our second date he let me know that from now on we should sign our names together on birthday cards anniversary cards at weddings etc.
      what girl doesn’t want this? He was beyond hot quiet silent very respectful towards my family gave me so much attention what could possibly be the problem?
      What nobody knew was what was happening behind closed doors and when we were alone. He could not hold a conversation. When ever I spoke of pasta achievements or details of my daily life he always had to get off the phone or he would have to call me back or he would have to get up and wash his hands.
      His phone was always hidden from me I excused it because how could there possibly be another woman when so much time is spent with me. HA!
      He had DX he had me and he had the one that he was getting ready to go for after my final discard.
      The trips we took together was unbelievable. We went to an actual honeymoon destination for a 4 day “vacation”and I truly believe I was the only girl there not having sex. I kept silent and then I would get the courage to try…I tried different things and he let me know to stop stop stop. So confusing why would he spend so much money airfare private plane honeymoon destination beautiful resort and he didn’t want to touch me. Now I see why it’s because he wanted to go to that destination he wanted to do the activities there and I was just an object to take with him.
      Now looking back every single thing that we did together was not because he wanted to do them with me, it was because he wanted to visit these great places and he didn’t want to do it alone and I was the perfect object.
      I was unlike any other girl he had dated that should have been a sign. Granted he never told me about his past his own family spilled the beans. I couldn’t believe it he only dated women with children before me. No wonder his family loved me so much I had no baggage I was successful looks department not too bad and respectable family all the qualities parents would want their child to have as a mate.
      My first silent treatment left me so confused and shocked I only wish I had found these articles back then. I only wish that I stood up for myself and said “hey nobody treat me like this you are weird and you can go”. I didn’t I was always looking for the moment when he would show me attention emotionally. It never came. And he did Hoover back to me. I was very strong after my second silent treatment I never called or texted him. He slowly triangulated through friends to come start seeing me again at the restaurant and then he saw his opportunity to take me with him to a trip he wanted to go to.on the trip I calmly stated it’s too bad we lost so much time we could’ve discussed things and we could have gotten on in our relationship. That was the worst thing I did or you could say the best thing I did because I saw his true colors. He became very angry, which we all know anger is fear, because now he realized I saw him for the insecure a worthless piece of crap that he is. He pointed two fingers in my face in a crowded restaurant and let me know that nobody is going to tell him what to do. The people in the restaurant were staring. I wish I wish somebody would have come up to me and taken me away from him and told me “lady do not get talked to like that – leave this piece of trash where he is and get up and leave him”. It didn’t happen I had to learn that lesson myself. After that weekend I never called or texted him my father’s one-year memorial was the next weekend he never called or texted to acknowledge that because he was such a big part of my life when my father passed away. Oh and the best six months after my father died and I was having a brief moment of grief and I expressed to him I miss my dad he let me know -frankly -“I thought we were over that” . As a victim I thought oh wow I guess I should be over it I guess I shouldn’t be bringing negative thoughts into this relationship okay I’ll stop crying. If you are reading this let me tell you that is not what a loving caring person says to another human being a loving caring person listens to you and does not admonish you for having feelings.
      His family has kept in constant contact with me I think they feel terrible for what has happened, they truly thought that I was going to be the one, after all the trash he dated somebody like me came into his life and they thought the heavens had opened. They think that there is still a chance with him but there never will be .he had so many opportunities to treat me with respect and love and he didn’t do it. If you were treated like this in the first six months of a relationship what will two years three years four years and five years do?
      My biggest lesson is the intensity the jealousy the questions the idealizing the infatuation all of those things should have been red flags because those things are not normal…. He could not hold a conversation we could not go to other restaurants because now I realize he was fearful of running into any of his exes and that is why we always went out of town which at the time I thought this is an amazing relationship we are always going away for the weekend -ha ha!!!! I truly do feel sorry for the next girl like some of the posts have said because she has no idea what’s coming just like I didn’t. If one of his exes had contacted me at the beginning when he was worshiping me I would not have believed her , I would have thought she was bitter. Even to this day when people that had Maddis see me and ask me about him they are so shocked because in public he looked like he worships me and this fits his profile perfectly. To look like the perfect gentleman that worships me and it was all to make him look good and to fill him up with the worthiness he did not even possess. He did not want any motional commitment he did not want to physical commitment all he wanted was a girlfriend that he could fill his activity calendar with and to show the world wow look at this girl that I got.
      Kind of like decking yourself out in the most designer clothes when you are a piece of crap on the inside -same thing the designer clothes cannot make you a good person.
      He devalued me in the end he criticized me -I was beating myself up asking him calmly why are you saying this to me what are you talking about? Remember a cheater is afraid of a cheater. Always wanted to see who was texting me and who was calling me and who was talking to me and why was I talking to that customer. I should have known it wasn’t because he cared about me it’s because he was afraid that I was a cheater just like him.

      The unexpected rage the silent treatment the zero sex because he cannot be vulnerablebecause if he was vulnerable in the bedroom that would reveal his true persona which is nothing there is absolutely nothing in his core.
      The only thing he had was making racist jokes a lot of money to buy him a lot of things that made him look good and money to fill his calendar with activities which I now realize the activities were a way of not dealing with who he really was -he would find things to do to avoid the pain that was inside of him. it’s too bad because I really liked his family and they really thought I was the one they even let me know it that I was so different from the other girls.
      I’m glad I found my voice and I questioned him about certain things namely the no sex and he silent treated me and I did not respond. When he came back around the second time I thought it was because he wanted to work things out but it wasn’t, it was because he needed somebody to go on this trip that he wanted to go to. He treated me so badly on that trip I should’ve gotten up and left I should have I should have but Hindsight is 2020 and if that things did not happen the way they did I would probably still be in that mess with him and not be available for a true loving relationship that I deserve. I think he dated women with children or trash because he knew he had nothing to bring to the table but money and those girls were the easiest ones to lure. He knew how to play the game to get them to need him and fill his fuel supply of attention and when they got upset he loved it because it was the attention that he needed even though it was twisted. Smart girls that see the red flags did not give him the time of day. I wish I had not given him so much attention after the first month of him coming to see me at the restaurant I could have avoided all of this pain because if a guy likes you he wants to ask you out he does not stalk you for six months. He does not send his family to come see you where you work. The whole thing looking back is something I would have never imagined could happen to me but it did I thought I was smarter than this.
      Every single one of my friends say you are so lucky you figured it out before he gave you the ring because imagine if I took the ring then what would I have done. I would have believed that he will come around he will give me the attention that I deserve we are getting married etc..it would have gotten worse worse and worse. I do feel sorry for the girl with the child that was dating him for five years. She has no idea that he was seeing me all that time in the last year of their relationship. I do know he started contacting her again and she was ready to Prance on it.
      I’m still dealing with the fact that I thought I was in Disney World the whole time but now looking back I realize I was in the darkest castle imaginable. So many lies about the smallest things and I believed him. To realize that for a long time the person that you thought was telling you the truth about meaningless even trivial things like “where’s your favorite pizza place”it was all a lie it was nothing that was the truth. He could not tell me the truth about the pizza place because God forbid I go there and see him with her.
      I have had no contact with him but he calls his friend which is our mutual friend and asks about me every single time. You see you see what kind of attention he still needs he needs to know what I’m doing and who I’m seeing.
      He knows he is worthless on the inside and to me that is so sad.. Oh well he will go on living what he thinks life is…he will never know what a life of honesty and pure love and respect is.
      And probably any other woman he chooses that chooses to stay with him.
      She will push down her voice to not lose the fabulous lifestyle he provides and the whole time she will be searching for that inch of attention of real love which will never happen. He doesn’t wanted to he will never reveal his true self.

    • Marilyn

      January 28th, 2015 at 5:34 AM

      This article has been so incredibly helpful in understanding the power of silence as a weapon and the wounds that it inflicts.
      A year and a half ago, our then 12 year old son, was emotionally and spiritually abused by a Youth Pastor on a Mission’s Trip.
      On 3 separate occasions, my husband attempted reconciliation with him. Six months later, our Senior Pastor set up a meeting and listened to our complaints. His Executive Pastor, a personal friend of ours for many years, sat next to him and said nothing. No further attempts toward reconciliation were made.
      In May of 2014, due to this matter and other tensions with leadership, we resigned. Our “friend” and ” Executive Pastor” said nothing.
      Two weeks ago, I decided to be free from the angst of his silence and that of the Youth Pastor’s and wrote a letter of forgiveness and asked for forgiveness for anything that we might have done which resulted in their lack of action toward us, doing what Andrea stated, as making the final attempt to break the silence.
      We did not hear back from them. Now, if I thought I had forgiven them, I have to forgive them even more for this further abuse!!
      My question, is how does a young adolescent and his family, attending a church for 26 years accept that we are nothing to them; nothing to people we had trusted and in church for that matter!!? I want desperately to heal from this but truly don’t know how to rid us of the pain and sorrow of losing a place where we thought we belonged for so long.
      Any suggestions for dealing with this hurt and grief and the intense frustration and feelings of betrayal toward those who were supposed to care for and protect, and instead wounded and attempted to destroy through inaction and silence??

    • BT

      January 29th, 2015 at 7:50 PM

      Going through the same issue with my wife. While we were dating, she was sweet, generous and thoughtful. A team player. After marriage, things started to change. Setting my personal boundaries resulted in arguments, pouting and the silent treatment. Things have been exacerbated by her mother, who is a controller herself. I love this woman and know she’s capable of good instead of bad. The narcissistic tendencies are really starting to show, and I don’t tolerate passive aggressive behavior.

    • Cafe D

      February 2nd, 2015 at 1:11 PM

      #Can you believe you’re being honest? If so then you did yourself a good turn. As you say, he dates single parents; he also does not disclose his multiple incurable transmittable diseases or that he is sterile, and was sexually abused himself as a child.

      It was a dicey time last year when his long time affair with a European woman ended in her suicide after she (was the last to) discover he had started sleeping with her underage daughter. He visits the daughter in France and she comes here now that the Mom is gone. I think she may have even turned 18 finally. Imagine your semi celebrity American boyfriend and your underage daughter both betraying you. A narcissist being loyal to himself, is what he said. He’s a good guy.

      This is a therapeutic board only in that it’s a place for some good information. All I hear is people leave, and for me that helps but barely helps to cope.

    • MP

      February 2nd, 2015 at 8:18 PM

      I moved in with my partner a year ago after dating on and off for 5 years. I knew he was moody and every now and again would fall out with me for what was trivial matters and wouldnt speak to me for about a week. It was always me who had to try and bring him out of his sulks. Over the last year we have fallen out time and time again each time he ignores me and takes himself off into the spare room. I have eventually had enough. I’ve reached breaking point after he hasn’t spoken to me for over 2 weeks. This time I took control and moved into the spare room. This seems to have made matters worse. I have tried and tried to make this relationship work but I’m exhausted and I’ve decided we need to sell up and go our own way. I have tried to talk to him many times saying I hate it when he ignores me but he continues to do this so I can only assume this is a deliberate act to hurt and control me. He has been raised in an environment where his dad has ignored his mum over the years and therefore he thinks this is normal. It’s not my normal. When I read this article I couldn’t believe it. It’s like it was written about my situation with my partner. I often say to my sister he acts like a 5 year old. I do believe it is a form of abuse that should not be tolerated.

    • Mommie Dearest

      February 3rd, 2015 at 12:25 PM

      My would be boyfriend/ np / abuser / lover / confidante has the m.narc gene. Until I read a site like this, I didn’t know what was really going on so it has been quite a blow. Makes an already down in the dumps girl, worse. At first I felt bad because my love could not be reciprocated if the person isn’t capable of it. But the more things fell apart the more I saw the absolute manipulations and malcontent and desire to harm the man possesses. I struggle to let him go cause I know he’s not good for me and you know it’s nearly impossible, even though I’m almost 100 percent there. I used to kiss myself that I choose life over this hostage situation. I’ve lived with an abusive man before; saw the red flags in this relationship and withdrew enough to keep physically safe but the emotional draw is too compelling. It’s heartwrenching at times and I don’t really have a support group, I read what I’m supposed to do and do that, although no professional help is $$$ possible. It makes me so angry that in a 50/50 gig, even a dysfunctional one, I have to suffer and he skates. It burns me up because he knows what he’s doing. If it’s considered BPD or NPD or whatever of me to say, taking action aka exacting ‘revenge’ is the one thing that gives me satisfaction. I do this lawfully, of course and my one saving grace is The Truth. It speaks to people and, being true it is relatively indisputable. I just ‘took it’ for so long in previous situations and I used to do nothing. The high road — well as a sometimes victim I have to say taking action in my defense feels much better. He certainly doesn’t take the high road – ever – and he seems to be doing just fine.

      IF he ever gets his own, I won’t know … or care. I like to see it happen now, and this is where I’m at a crossroads. This site has so little recovery talked about. I want tools, or help or relief. I also know I will never ever be able to dishonor myself like his ‘go to’ hostage does. That girl makes me a little sad for womankind but mostly nauseous. She takes care of herself when some one gets in the way of her greed for green. She could do so much good to lead by example instead of fry by candlelight. How can a young lady live with herself when her entire body is physically tormented, all her wants and needs ignored, the disrespect she tolerates at every level is mind boggling and she hasn’t really the concept of how viciously he denigrates her to others. I suppose it is helpful that she stays in such a cesspool of indignity because it is clear to those of us who have escaped exactly what life would be like if we did not.

    • Can't believe this

      February 3rd, 2015 at 4:53 PM

      If you want tools here they are:
      Believe that you deserve a loving kind relationship that is full of respect and reciprocity.
      I understand that you gave it your all you did your best and he did not accept what you were giving.
      Accept that you cannot change him.
      Accept that everything that happened is in the past you cannot erase it MoveOn live your life from this day forward full of truth and love …and this was a huge learning lesson.
      And also you should know this is not normal there is nothing normal about dating a narcissist and only when you surround yourself with people that are in loving relationships and you love yourself first you will see this.
      Imagine for a second if you love yourself and put as much effort into your self as you have into this relationship.
      It all comes down to loving yourself first when you truly do that everything else will fall away that is bad for you naturally…

    • Mommie Dearest

      February 3rd, 2015 at 12:41 PM

      #MP if you have a desire for change try stonewalling him. Give him the silent treatment, do not try or care to get him to communicate, and go about your life as if all was fine. Be sure to stay out overnight at a friends’ or something without a word of explanation and witness the effects on your tormentor. You can not play fair with one of these dorks and expect them to access their humanity. They just use it against you because they like to see you suffer and they think it’s boring that you always do the right thing. For them it’s something to exploit. I have noticed they can not tolerate what they do to others. Give it a try. Let me know what happens. It sure beats wallowing in depression ..

    • Andrea Schneider

      February 3rd, 2015 at 2:08 PM

      @ MP, I do not advise engaging in the same behaviors that a person with narcissism may engage in…on the contrary, going No Contact is helpful for survivors so they are not subjected to emotional abuse. This sends a very clear message to the abuser. Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • MP

      February 3rd, 2015 at 11:52 PM

      Thank you for your support and advice. When I say I have moved into the spare room this is not a temporary measure to seek revenge it is me ‘leaving him’ as we both share a house with a mortgage and until it is sold we both have no option but to live under the same roof. A horrendous situation. I only wish I’d listened to my head and not my heart and never moved in with him or taken him back when he dumped me previously. A lesson learned on my part. Many experts say ignore the abusers actions and get on with your life but surely this is pandering to them and they are getting their own way. I’m no one’s doormat and not willing to be treated like a second class citizen. I’m glad I’m getting out and looking to the future however difficult I know it will be.

    • Crystal

      February 4th, 2015 at 10:34 AM

      What experts do not know is how amazing the love (though fake) is when you are getting it from one of these actors.
      It’s so confusing because all the things people say will exist in a good relationship are there. You have deep talks and he helps you with things and holds you and does everything you ever wanted to see with your eyes on the surface. But behind the mask there are lies , other women , promises you can tell he isn’t going to keep because of actions you see. And as long as you don’t mention it you get your drug… The affection and praise and help. Now we know that if you mention his hidden text apps or where he really was or who was really there or any single lie you know about that we will pay. No love , no affection and either verbal degradation and complete turning around of the argument to make you guilty for things you didn’t even know you did and wait…. Why are we talking about this when we were supposed to be talking about how you lied to me ? What the crap? Or the ever lingering threat of silence with no apology or explanation is always there.

      Narcissists study their prey. They are masters of building the set and charachter that each individual victim will become addicted to. They make themselves fit right into the empty space that aches to be filled. And losing them there is horrifically painful and life altering.
      No expert can tell you what to do and have it be useful until that expert can help you ease the pain of the void
      It’s always worse when these people leave us then where we had started. Because you sit there feeling as if you had a very long dream and you realize that your life is in shambles because you believed in a fantasy. That is rough to deal with. It’s like you loved someone who wasn’t even real and you wonder , what is wrong with me that I just did this? You wonder if you are so broken that love simply isn’t safe for you at all.
      And the silent treatment. I don’t know about anyone else but Id rather be called names and told it’s my fault than hear nothing at all for weeks or even months from someone who wanted to marry me 3 days before the silence began.

      I too made life choices based on trusting in the word of one of these sufferers of narcissism. So sad that someone who could pretend love so well was really not feeling anything.
      So sad that I am devastated and in financial trouble worse than ever because I believed he wanted to be a better man.

    • Andrea Schneider

      February 4th, 2015 at 1:28 PM

      @Crystal — thank you for your feedback…I am glad that people can find support here and other forums online… I want to add that not all “experts” are the enemy…some experts really and truly do understand the unique pain a survivor of narcissistic abuse has endured…you just have to find that right helping professional to guide you in that path. Wishing you all well in that healing journey. Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Crystal

      February 4th, 2015 at 3:12 PM

      @andrea
      I by no means mean that I feel like therapists aren’t trying to help. I love my therapist but having the right words to tell someone how to appropriately react to a situation is only one part of a whole entire scenario. And the how does that make you feel … That question in the case of falling for a complete fake just sets you back not forward. I mean it makes you feel stupid because really in your gut you knew better. It makes you feel visibly broken because people that do this to others prey on the broken. Then you feel afraid to just be yourself because people like him will be all you can get . It makes you feel betrayed and confused and like someone died cause they wanted to die to hurt you. Most of all it makes you feel angry that you feel anything at all. You know that Pretender didn’t deserve your love or your body or your time or a single feeling and yet here you are feeling everything while they feel nothing and they win and you lose. You lose the most because you love them and the person you live is likely not even real. Therapy is essential because the pain is not reasonable at all. You need someone to be there for you and your friends all think your just stupid. What sucks is I have my own problems , that&##8217;s what attracts the type but the things in me he used to fulfill what he lacked are not things about me I was in therapy to change. Now I’m afraid I am changed forever. Loving someone despite flaws , forgiving to extend grace , truly trusting in someone’s word all seem like foolish things to me now, my tenderness caused me to be hurt. How do I not lose my good traits now that someone has misused them so. How when I am so scared . If I pretend to be stronger or less gentle to protect myself haven’t I turned into a fake like him.
      I didn’t mean to offend miss Andrea, I’m sorry. It’s just very confusing and unless someone has tricked you and got you to literally change the course of your life based on lies you might not get that advise sometimes stings because these men were once or pretended to be the perfect most amazing boyfriend ever. Thanks for the response

    • Andrea Schneider

      February 4th, 2015 at 5:42 PM

      @ Christine V — no offense taken..I just hope you get the support you need and deserve. My best wishes to you, Andrea.

    • Tiffany

      February 8th, 2015 at 8:54 AM

      I don’t even know how to start to try to get out. My husband lives 1200 miles away and he will ignore me for days to months and I try so hard to get him to speak to me. I always plan on leaving but then when he speaks to me then I’m after his love knowing that im going to divorce him. Once I get his “love” I’m drawn right back in. I want him to change so bad. He had a car accident and killed two people and I want to be there for him. All he really needs is his mother though. I need help, I love my husband so much.

    • Can't believe this

      February 8th, 2015 at 12:59 PM

      You are in love with the idea of being loved by him. You don’t need “his ” love, you need love.
      There is nothing normal about staying in a relationship that has no reciprocatey .
      Took me a 6 months to figure that out.
      These narcissists get a hold on us bc we want love so bad.
      He is NOT the last man on eSeth and once you understand that you won’t look back.

      Xoxoxoxo

    • Mommie Dearest

      February 9th, 2015 at 11:21 AM

      @can’t believe this ..The Silent Treatment needs to be illegal for anyone over 18. Thank you for that feedback. All you need is (self) love well I had to review your posts and see if you were actually in a relationship with a narcissist and I see that you also thought you would be smarter than to get involved with someone like that. It seems you saw him on a part-time going-on-vacation status so that’s good you have a life outside of him. You might do well to instruct the common friend to never give any details about you to him; and cite his propensity towards violence. I have found that generally most men think violence vs. women is wrong. If you allow him to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times you’re still feeding his ego and engaging with a man who thought none of your needs were worthy of attending to. I would think no man could keep a woman if he couldn’t fulfill that basic desire for sex and there is only one type of restaurant where an individual can come and sit and stare at an employee, day in and day out. Some people might suggest that a person who does that kind of work doesn’t love herself enough to respect herself. I’m just saying, you can love yourself plenty and, I do love myself but the all-encompassing grippe of a narcissist is a multifaceted terrible thing that self-love only goes so far to repair. I agree it is essential for a healthy life.

    • Can't believe this

      February 9th, 2015 at 8:36 PM

      I should have clarified the type of business I work at. It’s a family restaurant and he would come eat dinner with his friend . He would stay with his friend for 2 hours. Came for lunch too. He was always wearing super starched jeans and shirts, nice cowboy boots . It totally fit the personality of a narcissist ….to look really good on the outside because the inside was shit….
      Always using extreme well manners when greeting my family or anyone that was sitting with my family in my family’s restaurant. I should have known that there was something off when he did not ask me out for such a long time.
      And I should have known whenever he threw out some derogatory terms in a “joking” way. My family didn’t talk like that, I didn’t know any guys that talk like that, but he was always “joking ” when he said something mean or derogatory.
      The only reason I figured out he was a narcissist, is because I was trying to get to the bottom of why he would not have real lovemaking sessions with me. I thought maybe he had been abused as a child and he couldn’t before marble I thought maybe he was gay but was confused, I didn’t know and when I researched sex and vulnerability and I came upon descriptions of narcissists,
      It made so much sense.
      He always wanted to look at my cell and see who was texting me.
      He wanted to know about my past relationships and I thought that was a way to build trust and that’s what you do so I opened up to him and I said the truth the last time I dated a guy in why didn’t work out. When I then turned and asked him the question, but what about your ex-girlfriend what was she like what was the reason that y’all broke up?
      He did not answer , he did not give me what I had just given him.
      So they were red flags everywhere but I chose to ignore them because the way he idealized me and kept staring at me I kept saying there’s no way he doesn’t like me I mean look at how he stares at me whenever he’s around.
      And are we told that when a man comes into your life and views you as his whole world that that’s the way it’s supposed to be?
      The part that I kept waiting for an ending on for was the emotional bonding the opening up in the physical bonding and I kept waiting and waiting that may be the next date the next time we are alone that he would start opening up but it never happened.
      Even all the trips that we took I would come back from the troops broken thinking what did I just do why did I even go to this person?
      And I was afraid to break up with him because I thought he was so in love with me… HA!!!
      He needed me as his good looking objects next to him because he needed to show the world “look how normal I am because I have this kind of girl next to me ” when in reality there was nothing real about the relationship at all (behind closed doors).

      Now I have compassion for him

      I would never tell him this though.
      I understand no contact I understand you can’t get help these ppl.

      the whole thing has made me realize how much pain people can be in and I’m glad that I’m not him and I hope one day he gets the help he needs.

      I will not be a part of that shit train.
      There are plenty of guys out there that are capable of having mature loving honest relationships.
      Every single person has told me how lucky I am how lucky I am that I stood up and found a voice and questioned him and saw his true character before I stayed with him any longer.

      I know 100% that if I had never questioned him as to “what’s going on ? why are we not having sex and you’re my boyfriend ?”
      and tried so many things and he never gave me an answer. People that really love you , want to hold onto you and want to explain themselves so they do not lose you.

      I feel sorry that his mother is still hanging onto the dream of me being part of their life
      I think the reason I came into his life is to show the mom that there really is something wrong with your son because he could not make it work with me and there has been no real explanation.
      Oh and the reason that I know that I was the best thing that happened to his life is because his mother actually wrote me a thank you card once letting me know that I am so different from the other girls that have been brought around and they feel that God has answered their prayers and they are so blessed they feel so blessed that her and her husband sleep better at night now that their son is dating me.
      FOR REALS…
      I really dodged a bullet and now I am able to recognize when girls are in the same predicament as I was because I can see it in their faces.

      Well I hope whoever is my story finds the strength to look at themselves in the mirror and saying I don’t deserve that shit from this guy and move on and be ready for loving good relationships because they do exist.
      only if you believe you are worthy of some. If you do not believe you’re worthy of a good relationship you will always be in a shitty relationship because that’s what you think you deserve.

      Like I said something like this had never happened to me before …where a guy was staring at me for six months and it’s true that when something is not normal you are confused that’s what I was for six months I was so confused because nothing was normal and this was not the kind of normal that was good.

    • Onamonapia

      February 9th, 2015 at 11:41 AM

      #Andrea the one girl has it down: What to do in the empty space that the n.p. used to vacuum. The void that develops after following the suggestions on this site. I sit on my hands, I disengage and am left with the thoughts, feelings and actions of the little girl in me. It is sometimes death defying, although I know they are just feelings and a feeling isn’t going to kill me. The quick fix of calling him up and meeting somewhere works pretty well.

      This is a sounding board, really not much of a veritable therapeutic tool. Our individual pleas are not always addressed and I read people’s qualifying statements and then nothing more from them. With no outlet such as this I might surely implode(and so I write).

      I notice most everyone finds relief in knowing there are other’s out there who suffer the same. So, that’s where I am going to suggest people start – a group. What already exists in the world at no cost? 12 step groups. So #AndreaSchneider what 12 step groups would you think might be related to our common suffering?
      I hear you suggest therapy, an optimum solution if you can afford it and have the ability to consistently go. I want to suggest since you have a board for these dysfunctions, you might consider having some resources to offer that can bring about some change, or relief or anything at all. I can’t speak for others although maybe I can since we seem to have the same ‘problem’. To the girl who goes to therapy for one thing and not all her problems: Time to get honest in therapy? Maybe? It’s a whole person approach or it sounds like you sit there, victimized. I sit here victimized, but I consider it better than sitting there completely trapped inside the little world the abuser helped me get into. @CHRYSTAL — Let your feet do the talking because the only solution I have read across the virtual world is this: You leave. You get it together however haltingly you can, and you leave. That is unanimous and I can safely say there are those who have gone before me and it never, ever gets better.
      You also leave behind any people close to the narcissist because of the pervasive deception and penchant for drama running through people like that will also bring you down. It is dealing with the consequences of that departure on my emotional health that are so challenging. And so, here I am and I write.
      I’m gonna see him. Why not — maybe go travel too like Vacation Girl.

    • Michelle Mallon

      February 9th, 2015 at 3:46 PM

      I would really like to respond to the concerns voiced by Onamonapia. I can really sense a level of frustration in your message that I too have felt as I made my way through the agonizing journey of recovering from Narcissistic abuse. I have really had a hard time with the fact that I can find articles about Narcissistic abuse (not a ton of them, but I can at least find them) but when it comes to finding a mental health professional who can actually help guide people through this, it’s like I am trying to find someone help me heal from alien abductions. It seems very few mental health professionals know what I am talking about. And often times trying to describe to other mental health professionals what I have experienced (and what so many people have experienced) results in being treated as if I have totally lost my mind. It seems utterly unfair that survivors of this type of abuse can learn that what they experienced has a name and that they are not alone but trying to find someone help them heal from it is almost impossible. I can’t tell you how much I agree with much of what you are saying. I can tell you that there are people working behind the scenes trying desperately to get the mental health profession worldwide to acknowledge this type of abuse. There are people who know first hand the terrible damage all of the misdiagnosis of this type of abuse is causing survivors who are trying to heal. There are people all around the world- like Andrea Schneider, Christine Louis de Canonville (Ireland), Tania Cusack (Australia), Julie Hart (Australia), Karyl Mcbride (US), Karin Huffer (US), Wendy Behary (US), Sandra Brown (US) and even myself- who are screaming their heads off trying to bring this type of abuse to the forefront of public awareness. It isn’t easy though. There are a lot of “hidden” obstacles we face in doing this. And frankly, it is exhausting work. I want to make a suggestion that might help all of us who are fighting to advocate for the “invisible” survivors out there. Contact the professional organizations for the mental health professions in your countries and ask them why this type of abuse is not being adequately addressed. Ask them why- given all that we know about the terrifying devastation and continued risk to victims who don’t heal from this type of abuse- why nothing is being done to address this. This type of abuse isn’t even addressed in the graduate programs for most mental health professionals!!! It’s crazy. But I can tell you that there are MANY, MANY more survivors of Narcissistic abuse than there are Narcissists. This terrifying form of abuse can only remain a secret if we, as survivors, allow it to. Change is going to have to start with us.

      I also have a survivors forum on FB where I have a list running list of mental health professionals who specialize in Narcissistic Abuse recovery. I am very careful about everyone who goes on that list. Please feel free to check it out. I add to it as new information because available and verified. The forum is an open forum and it is called Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: Hope For Victims and Survivors.

      Onamonapia, please do not lose hope! I am going to keep fighting to get this type of abuse acknowledged so that survivors of Narcissistic abuse can find mental health professionals who can recognize the symptoms of Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, accurately diagnose the survivors of this abuse and effectively help them to reclaim their identities and their strength. I have a feeling Andrea feels much the same way. Please know that Andrea herself has been one of the inspirations for my journey. And while she is doing so much to raise awareness about this type of abuse, she is but one person. And as I said, the hurdles we face in getting this recognized are massive (and some have been thrown in our ways on purpose).

      We need help getting this type of abuse to be brought to the forefront of public awareness. Survivors must demand better in terms of the help (or lack thereof) they are receiving from mental health professionals. Every voice counts!

      Respectfully,
      Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

    • Onamonopia

      February 10th, 2015 at 9:14 AM

      @MichelleMallon thank you for your words and encouragement. Just to hear your `heart bleeds’ for my cause really helps me feel better. I will check out some names. There is a well known Coda/Cosa therapist at The Meadows named Pia Mellody and her teachings correspond, fyi. It’s from some of that work too many years ago that I’m able to not stay totally stuck even when it’s outrageously uncomfortable to give up. Apparently, in the city I live there are 12 step groups called Sex & Love Addiction which can help, or so I’m told after describing my addiction to a Narcissist. To @AndreaSchneider I didn’t realize this wasn’t a board but I get it now. Thanks for steering me to the resources; this website with its gazillion links isn’t all that cut and dry, organizationally speaking. At least not to me and I can handle volumes of input. Thanks for caring and sharing in your ‘free time.’

    • Michelle Mallon

      February 14th, 2015 at 3:58 PM

      Onamonopia,
      Thank you so much for the information about Pia Melody. I just checked out her website. She has done a lot of writing! I am looking forward to reading more of what she has written.

      I want you to know that you are not alone in what you are going through. I know how frustrating it is to know that someone else has taken away virtually everything from you and no one seems to know how to help you get those things back. I don’t know if you have read a lot about PTSD and trauma bonding, but I know that realizing that I was “stuck” not because there was something wrong with me, but because of the severity of the trauma I experienced was very important to me. It doesn’t help when the people in our lives don’t understand why we just can’t “hurry up and get over it”. I knew that what I had experienced was extremely destructive simply by the way it had devastated me. However, communicating that people around me when I had no bruises, no broken bones… that was a different story. And finding a mental health professional who understands that the aftermath of this type of abuse isn’t just “a bad breakup” is a rare occurrence. It shouldn’t be so difficult to heal from this type of abuse.

      I don’t know if you have seen the survivors forum called After Narcissistic Abuse, but it was a helpful place for me to visit as I was making my way down the agonizing road to healing. Perhaps it could be helpful to you as well. That forum has a lot of opportunity for dialogue. It was set up to be more of an interactive platform for survivors. The admins Greg and Michelle seem to do a very good job with responding to survivors.

      I wish you the very best, Onamonopia :o)

    • Andrea Schneider

      February 9th, 2015 at 2:24 PM

      @Onamonopia… I understand your frustration…perhaps others who have found terrific resources can share here…this is not an official support forum…it’s an article to bring light to the subject…to the degree it helps people to feel validated and connect with qualified help, I am happy about that…because there is such a shortage of professionals who are qualified to help in this practice specialty you can see the tremendous need for more awareness,training, etc…..btw, I am not able to respond to every comment made here…I work full time (plus), and I am happy to respond to emails sent directly to me through my profile…kind regards, Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Andrea Schneider

      February 9th, 2015 at 2:29 PM

      Also– I’d like to add, I have a list of resources at the end of my first 3 articles on narcissistic abuse recovery, including online support forums, literature, etc…please take a look as see what might be helpful to you…Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Raelene

      February 11th, 2015 at 1:03 PM

      Thanks for the article. After reading this it made me realize that the man I am in love with may be a narcissist. It’s been almost 3 weeks since he last spoke to me. I often blame myself because I suffer from anxiety & depression. I let my insecurities take over by wanting his full attention. Soon mixed emotions displayed through numerous texts of compromise. I was ignored, soon I began to send more texts explaining my emotional distress of why he couldn’t reply with a simple “hi”. I have a long history of emotional abuse as a victim & unfortunately as the abuser at times. The person I met has a similar background & that is why we shared so much. However, maybe that is the problem. Over the years he has never treated me badly, always respected me, & cared for me. I have been hurt so many times in a long term relationship & he seemed to good to be true. I guess I kept questioning his attraction & love for me, to the point where he just maybe gave up & stopped talking to me. He left me with no explanation & it drove me crazy. I fear I may have ruined a beautiful connection with this man who has always been there for me (just not here for me now). It takes a toll on my emotions. I guess I want to believ e that he still cares for me. With no response, doubt sets in.

    • Frankie

      February 14th, 2015 at 9:53 AM

      Hi thanks for the article and all your posts. It is helping me get over the disappointment of having to leave a relationship with a woman who seemed so lovely and so right for me, but who quickly became spiteful and manipulative and would ignore me for days over nothing. She seemed either unable or unwilling to talk about things that upset her but instead preferred to cut me off whilst pointedly talking to and being nice to other people. The whole thing was baffling and hurtful. I have gone over things many times in my head but I know I did not do or say anything to deserve this total blanking of me. But looking back there were other signs that she is in fact a narcissist. I know I am better off out of it but I still miss her as she could be so great to be with. Thanks for the chance to say all that

    • Jack

      February 18th, 2015 at 6:52 PM

      Great article! The characteristics highlighted in this article sound an awful lot like my ex girlfriend, specifically the part about emotional immaturity. I told her on several occasions during her silent treatment episodes that she’s stuck in a state of arrested development, and she, of course, was highly offended.

      Here’s the deal: go with your gut instinct. If you’re with a partner who makes you feel like you’re the crazy one after you’ve been subjected to the silent treatment, run away as fast as you can. Compromise and empathy are not part of their vocabulary. If you come down with a serious illness one day, a normal loving partner will be there for you. But a narcissist will give you the silent treatment because you’re sick and you’re “harshing their buzz” and cramping their style. How dare you!

    • He Called Me Mac

      March 8th, 2015 at 9:52 AM

      Jack-
      My recent ex boyfriend is a classic stonewaller/silent treatment pro. And when youfinally do get the chance to talk, they expect you, after being dismissed and ignored, not to “create conflict” by stating your feelings about being silenced over the issue prior! Yes, it is crazy-making because when you rightfully express your authentic anger and pain and frustration they use it as leverage against you and say you are abusive to scream, needy to cry or want to discuss it… Basically, anytime the narcissist is held accountable you can expect to be punished severely with the with-holding of love, affection, corespondence or simple respect. You cam expect the narcissist to tell you that you are abusive by demanding the issues to be addressed with a therapist or as a couple who does not walk out when the other disagrees. Your tears turn to rage and you indeed look crazy and that is the insidious nature of their abuse: they literally deflect and devalue and discard everything about you until you are convinced it is all your fault. If you are like me, you attract these kind of people which compounds the mental anguish as you BELIEVE you yoirself must be the problem, not your pathological habit of giving other people the upper hand in your sense of dignity! You become ashamed. Apologetic. Anxious. Angrier! Sadder! You in fact become the very thing you were accused of which discredits your initial need: to be treated with reciprocity! They start taking liberties with mistreating you they would not likely justify in treating others because you are crazy, right? We must deserve it, right? The narcissist counts on throwing you off balance– anything to avoid his iwn culpability in his emotional impotence. The lack of closure is what kills me most– you not only realize the love they initially “gave” you (more like a loan shark) was fraudulent but you must also come to terms with the fact that they will likely NEVER offer genuine remorse, apology, accountability or atonement (as in, changed behavior on a permanent basis). Narcissists come in all variations, some are violent some are passive aggressive. But all of them have two tjings in common: they lack empathy and they lack the will to accept responsibility by proactively changing their habits/mindset. They will always find a loophole to be either the victim ir the person who is “too self respecting” to “put up” with “drama” (again, your feelings and concerns are always going to be reduced to drama or insignificance– their feelings and instantaneous whims are always going to be priority and all-or-nothing). I love my ex. He has hurt and humiliated me, effected my career negatively, put me through financial stress, and literally dismissed my value or presence in his life because my anger at his abuse was, in his eyes, “immature”. He never hit me or hurt me physically. Others have. But this latest ex has hurt me the most, because, frankly, he knew exactly how and chose to repeatedly instead of facing what it was in him that needed addressing. I have realized my codependency is a toxicity that inflames every relationship in my life and I take responsibility by literally working on it every day with journaling, meditation, group meetings and better longterm choices. Healing oneself is a process but it is also and first and firemost a choice! And I choose to learn from this. But I do wish my ex would have chosen to be self aware instead if self “protective” via gaslighting and stonewalling and manipulating. His need to have life on his terms is the definition of narcissism and immaturity. My need to be loved by someone like that or understood by him or connected to him is my sickness: codependency. We think acquiring their consistency will mean the pain was not the reality. We think we can live away their selfishness. We cannot. And we end up being manipulators for wanting to find a way inside and around their personality disordered thinking; we can only show them how we deserve to ve treated by treating ourselves with resoect and living our lives with accountability. I know I made a lot of foul mistakes with my interactions with him and I know that I am sorry but also quite aware that my apology or growth is not important to him, he just needs to feel it was not his fault– regardless of what I feel. Well, no growth I acquire will change him. Only he can change himself. My tears or love or enlightenment will not make a difference to him: but what I do with my love for him and myself will change MY life. I can love him but learn to accept he will never be capable of loving me let alone caring what he did to me. Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves. It is the most difficult to find at times, I know! It hurts so much but hopefully we walk away with stronger hearts, wiser eyes and softer words for the next opportunity to love. Xoxoxo oh, and, thank you for this forum.

    • riccapooh

      March 11th, 2015 at 12:41 AM

      He Called Me Mac
      Your comment resonates with me…17 years of struggle…The first 12 I thought if I was thinner and more beautiful he will respect me more (came into it with self esteem issues). I Lost 100 lbs. And he did treat me better. Then I got pregnant, 12 years of infertility (I had a 4 year old when we met who he “helped raise”) and now this crazy thing happens, but during my pregnancy no matter how emotional I got he treated me like I was perfect ( he often jokingly called me the ” vessel “). The last 4 years as resentment built up over things he didn’t do for us or things I couldn’t discuss, it got worse and worse. Gas lighting, crazy making behavior, provoking me into frustrated anger and calling me the abuser (I often wondered if that was true). One day he said something and I realized that it was twisted and I started to really pay attention. When I finally realized the evil he was doing l ended it. But we have this little guy. And we try to do right by him. But I am in that stage…the one you mentioned (I thought I was alone/crazy), where you become the manipulator, because…”please just realize what you’ve done to me”. I can’t stay away, and although we live apart, I run to him when I hurt-like always. I pretend things are okay-like always. Sometimes I try to discuss feelings, and regret it because I get punished-like always. Then I weasel my way back in(because now I know about narcissism and what he wants) by acting like I was wrong, being ” sexy”, or just stroking his ego. I know I don’t want that relationship back, but I can’t give up the thought that if he just understood. If he could just share feelings and vulnerability that this could work. And why wouldn’t he after 17 years of trustworthy behavior? I’m so lost…

    • Dee

      February 19th, 2015 at 5:53 AM

      Hi All,
      I’m recently divorced from my husband, who was a classic narcissist. When I knew the I could not handle anymore of the emotional abuse, he had given me the silent treatment for three months, followed by a period of shallow talk and arguments, then another three months of silence and sulking – in the space of one year! Prior to that he had done it before, but I prayed it away and believed he’d change the more I prayed, but meanwhile I was losing my mind, my self-esteem and my confidence. Soon enough I started living on antidepressants just to cope with my demanding job and raising young children!
      My challenge now is that many experts on this condition tend to recommend the no contact principle. How on earth do I do that when I have to co-parent with this person? He’s actually using these kids to continue with his silent treatment tactics outside the marriage, so I’m pretty much still subjected to the same! How would you advise someone in my shoes to move ahead and heal while dealing with the fact that I still have to negotiate visitations,planning for the children, etc.? He’s really enjoying the fact that he still controls the communication strings between us, so perhaps divorce may have not been the solution after all?

    • Mary

      February 22nd, 2015 at 11:21 PM

      I am divorced from a man that fits the same discription. I just use reverse psychology on him. Their main goal is being right about everything. Don’t ever talk to him in front of the children. Just smile and be nice. Cut all emotional ties. Don’t talk about him to your children unless he is emotionally abusing them. He most likely is. I just tell my daughter her dad loves her. He has a personality disorder. I reassure her how smart and wonderful she is daily.

    • Justine

      March 5th, 2015 at 11:25 PM

      Hi dee, that sounds so tough. I don’t have any advice, but there is a book called ‘will I ever be free of you’ by karyl mc bride that might be of help. All the best

    • Anthony

      February 21st, 2015 at 12:42 PM

      I have a question more than a comment. Do narcs use the no contact as one of their primary weapon? I’m still trying to understand how a simple comment..like I think it would be good idea if did something special for myself..since I do so much for others..

    • Anthony

      February 21st, 2015 at 1:07 PM

      Adding to my previous question/comment. I did just about anything and everything for my ex girlfriend..and her kids..bent over backwards…bit my tongue at Christmas…as she showed me the gifts she had spent hundreds of dollars on her new boss and his daughter. As she told me she had no money for a gift for me…feeling hurt..and her sensing that I was…promised me she’d make it up to me…fast forward my birthday arrives…and again same scenario..has anyone else encountered this type of treatment? The don’t call me again..the immaturity…and the quick to attack comments when you finally stand up for yourself?

    • Ag

      February 21st, 2015 at 1:16 PM

      My brother and sis did the silent treatment with me. I called to apologize to brother and he would cuss me out. My sis would never admit being wrong and would say I’m not speaking to you anymore whenever I proved her wrong. My brother hurt me so bad, but had to move on and realize he would take her side no matter what

    • cry me a river

      February 21st, 2015 at 2:05 PM

      I’ve lost my mojo for that person. It’s so not possible to respect a man who acts that way! A girl wants her man to .. be the man. Maybe he could’ve found some way to minimize the impact of acting like a little kid except my ex couldn’t fathom that; make up sex? No way. He was like a girl Everyone knows make up sex works but he’d act like. Ooo I hate u I can’t possibly be with you, .. even tho we are bf/gf and he didnt have a problem with it before he picked an argument. When we met he told me his first marriage ended because she hated him… I kept waiting to hear him say what he was doing that upset her so but it didn’t even seem to cross his mind! Every story with every girl he completely leaves his behavior out of the equation. He acts like the girl is to blame because she just spontaneously turned evil on him .. all throughout his long dating history, u’d think by now he’d have some insight into the problem. It takes two to tango .. girls who are being lied to and cheated on go crazy trying to navigate it all. It is NO way to live. Every other person in my life today, ESP if they’ve been around for more than just a passing fancy — no one else acts like he does. Immature and avoiding all personal responsibility and therefore never even trying to apologize for his part in a 50/50 venture. He must have some idea that smoothing it over when u see you’ve caused someone grief, is the decent thing to do. If he wasn’t so adept at faking it, he’d be immediately rejected from most people. or smooth it over when he sees he has upset them

    • Benjamin

      February 22nd, 2015 at 10:21 AM

      I have a different perspective on this and need some feedback. My wife of nearly ten years has told me she wants a divorce and sites the silent treatment as the primary reason. I am the one giving the silent treatment and I am doing it without even knowing it. I love my wife and children with all my heart and would never do anything purposely to hurt them, yet I have. When we first met I knew she was the one. I have always tried to protect her and give her a life without stress and arguing which is what she had to deal with constantly in her childhood. Our problem is that I have been deciding what is worth arguing or discussing and I have hurt her badly. Even though all I have ever wanted was to protect the woman that I deeply love, this forum has backed me into a serious corner. I am not a narcissistic person, I have just gone about things in the wrong way. How do I fix this…how do I save my family and marriage?

    • Crystal

      February 22nd, 2015 at 7:12 PM

      Therapy
      And don’t be all psycho you have to stay with me right now.
      Sometimes seperation helps people work through differences and realize what they appreciate.

      My ex literally turned looney and followed me and took off work for weeks to make me stay. I ended up committing myself to a hospital because I couldn’t take it anymore. Getting away from him to think got so impossibly ugly that I rushed into the divorce and had he simply backed off I am nearly positive I would have wanted to reconcile.

      Back off and ask her to write down the issues she’d like you to adress and take it to a therapist. Maybe you can get her to agree to a trial seperation if she sees she is being heard and respected. Silence is not the answer to dealing with anything that needs addressed to save a relationship. When you don’t speak for prolonged periods of time or communicate and work out problems what you appear to be saying is ” you aren’t important enough for me to adress , this issue that is important to you isn’t even worth my voice or ears”
      Nothing ever gets solved by ignoring it. It just lingers and builds up and eventually it will explode.

    • M. Hotchkiss

      February 24th, 2015 at 2:10 AM

      This reads like…me. LOL. It is my way or the highway. Okay!

    • The Ghost of Christmas Past

      February 24th, 2015 at 2:32 PM

      I can’t believe anyone bothered responding to #Benjamin. What does he do with your pleas for discussion and communication? Nothing. He stops answering you for weeks. The fact he is lobbying hard for the weakest link says it all.

      People go to the hospital to avoid dying from their injuries and you’re going to go against the MD / Doctors / Experts advice and jump right back into the situation that landed you there. Why bother to even leave the hospital nothing is going to change. Against all advice you might as well stand on the traintracks in an argument so heated with the narc. that you fail to notice the train barreling your way and just as you start to move in front of him to shield him from any impact, he grabs you and swings himself to safety leaving you directly in line with the locomotive. Your body cut in thirds, lying on the tracks, you finally realize you should have stepped off that train wreck in the many chances you have had.
      What’s to freak out living together he’s probably about to leave on some business trip where he has a different girl lined up in each city already. Soo excited! So deeply in love !! Try to go with him on a trip see what happens cause all I see you doing is taking the onramp on to the highway of an unhappy life. Guaranteed.

      HERE IS THE LIST FROM the very next page on this forum. It pointedly spells out what your killa narcissist needs to do and work on:

      Do:
      •Catch yourself having self-important thoughts that make you the center of the universe; believing that everything revolves around you and your needs.
      •See people for who they really are—not what you want them to be, what they can do for you, or how they can further your agenda.
      •Be attuned to what other people are contributing in conversations and stay with it; let it be about them while they are talking.
      •Recognize that we all have valid perspectives and though you may not agree, you are not necessarily better or correct.
      •Take responsibility for hurting others or for being wrong—it doesn’t make you a “bad” person to be imperfect.
      •Catch yourself hogging the conversation, and invite others to have a turn.
      •Pay attention to reciprocity in your relationships; make sure you offer help and favors as much as you accept them, and that you are listening as much as you are talking.

      Don’t:
      •Think that your needs, wants, beliefs, and perspectives are more important than those of others.
      •Consistently turn conversations back to you or make comments about how the subject relates to you.
      •Befriend people for what they can do for you or for how they can add value to your life; other people do not exist to meet your needs.
      •Assume that your suffering is more painful than the suffering of others, or that your situation requires greater attention and urgency than that of others.
      •Devalue other people’s input, contributions, or worth because they don’t hold the same status as (or higher status than) you.
      •Dismiss other people’s points of view by refusing to acknowledge your own wrongdoings, or to apologize when it’s necessary to do so.
      •Misrepresent yourself by creating a false persona that is not congruent with who you really are.

      Increasing awareness of your inner world and the effect your behavior has on others is an important means for achieving personal growth. Work on these things and the next time someone accuses you of narcissism, you may not even flinch, confident in the knowledge that you do not fit the profile.

      Take care little sister!

    • Crystal

      February 24th, 2015 at 9:12 PM

      Having a tough time piecing together who is being addressed where in the comments and replies @ghost

    • The Ghost of Christmas Past

      February 25th, 2015 at 11:00 AM

      It’s all for you @Crystal. Except the do’s and don’ts are for your Narcissist that you suggested go to therapy. If you read it in a web browser it is easier. The phone jumbles it all together.

    • Frankie

      February 26th, 2015 at 4:55 PM

      This forum is so helpful. I find myself on here late at night when I start considering contacting my ex girlfriend in the hope we can form a friendship. I have to remind myself that that it is probably never going to happen. She would probably use silent treatment on me even as a friend. Bizarrely I feel kind of bad because I confronted her before when she was ignoring me and I let her know that I was annoyed about it and becoming unhappy in the relationship. I am beating myself up for maybe being a bit harsh, though I did feel provoked. That led to even more silent treatment. I wish I hadn’t said that one thing to her. She used it against me and probably would have twisted whatever I said, but every day I question if I was too harsh and if I hadn’t said that would we be in contact? I still think of her, she could be such great company! But underneath the charm she clearly has another side. I do find it hard to stop thinking about contacting her but when I come om here and read all the posts I remember the reality of how unreasonable she was and twisting everything etc etc and I get through another day of sticking to no contact

    • Anthony

      March 1st, 2015 at 10:26 PM

      Frankie….is being with someone who uses childish games for you to submit to her really worth all that pain? I was in a similar relationship recently…I have everything…and received nothing in return..in the hopes she’d come around or change…she never did..nor will she. That is part of their personality..it’s ingrained in them…for her to “change”..takes lots of therapy..and she would need to see the error of her ways.

    • Gordon

      March 2nd, 2015 at 5:19 PM

      I have been married to my wife for 42 years. I have endured the silent treatment for the past 8 years. It is my wife’s punishment for me for throwing away items she was hoarding. I am still very sorry I did. There are also other information control games she plays with information from our children. I love her and believe til death do us part which is why I stay. But, it certainly feels like emotional abuse every day in my home and my emotional health is starting to wear down. Guess it is time to accept living this way or move out and on towards healing?

    • Frankie

      March 3rd, 2015 at 1:15 PM

      Thanks for your post Anthony. You are right, they will never change because they can’t see or accept that they are so dysfunctional. In fact what amazes me is how they can be quite vicious and hurtful yet claim that we have hurt them and that we need to change. I am honestly pretty good at recognizing if I’ve said something I shouldn’t etc and apologizing but she just kept saying that I needed to “think about my behavior” and figure out why I was being given silent treatment. She said a few times when I was baffled “you should know what you’ve done”. No, I am better off out of it! Gordon my friend I do not know how to advise you as you have been married so long, but no-one deserves that sort of abuse. I hope you find some way forward.

    • Gordon

      March 3rd, 2015 at 3:58 PM

      Thanks for the feedback. Means much to me. Your comments fit my situation and ring true. I can see it is time to love from afar.

    • Janette

      March 3rd, 2015 at 3:54 PM

      I am so glad I came across this page. I ended a relatioship like this because of a number of things but when I have tried to resolve any conflict or try communicate my side of the story I have been hit with silence upon silence upon silence. I have literally felt that I was going mad and that everything was my fault as I have been feel this way. Reading this has helped restore my sanity…thank you so much

    • Can't believe this

      March 3rd, 2015 at 8:04 PM

      The Facebook group ” stop the narcissist now” is really good. At first, I was shocked by the pictures with every “but then I realized how necessary they are to understand how wrong and abnormal this behavior is and how you need to run away from this behavior. If it wasn’t for the pictures I don’t think it would have resonated as much they are evil evil pictures that I would not seek out on my own to view.
      It’s so hard to understand when you have been in such an abnormal relationship for such a long time that it is not normal.
      When somebody deliberately withholds affection, attention and love that is manipulation, lying and evil.

      It is not normal. It is not normal. Run run run and don’t look back….. Go towards loving, honest, respectable, fruitful relationships that do exist….

    • tina

      March 4th, 2015 at 11:30 AM

      I am or was in a relationship with a entertainer. He needs raise at all times. I have never seen somone so in love with themselves but at the same time have such low self esteem. He gives me the silent treatment! He hung up on me after yelling at me for such a silly matter. This is not the first time. He goes days without any communication. It used to hurt so bad I would call and text. I now do nothing. I have given this relationship everything I have and I know I was amazing in every sence of the word to him.I know I need to leave and it is going to be hard because i do love him but i dont have low self esteem and I know what my worth is. I have spent the last year wondering and worrying constantly. It time to walk. Wish me luck!

    • tina

      March 4th, 2015 at 11:36 AM

      he says that he wears the pants and I am to do as told. He tells me he loves me, he buys me gifts and he takes care of me but none of it matters. As soon as I say something he might not like he shuts me out. I am a suoer kind person and I dont say anything for him to get angry about. I am usually so confused why he is yelling and shutting me out. The last reason is because I went for a walk and it started to get dark before I got back. He hasnt spoken since. He hung up on me. I am so done talking to you he said and he kept saying it before he abruptly hung up.It feels so awful

    • Tessa

      March 5th, 2015 at 10:32 AM

      OMG!! This explains a lot about a certain person I used to know. I can’t believe how right on this description is!! It makes me shiver with fear thinking of the evil actions that took place. I felt so worthless, like garbage to be thrown out and the ultimate feeling that I don’t exist at all!!I am so blessed that I am FREE from that abuse!! And that I have been able to slowly recover from this abuse. I am telling you this on Social Media, because I am a strong, some what intelligent person and I deeply Love, yet another sick person was able to almost destroy me and nearly kill me with emotional abuse! I don’t want this to happen to anyone else, if by speaking I can help someone else keep safe then I am using this horrific crime to make this World a little better!!🙏😇

      Give Love it’s a much better way to Live!!❤️

    • Charlotte

      March 5th, 2015 at 2:11 PM

      I spent 6 months involved with a man who displayed such behavior and it was incredibly hard to walk away. The hardest part about being involved with a narrcistic person is that in my experience initially they literally drown you with affection and attention and you hold onto that even when the dark emotionally abusive side of them starts to show through. The man I was involved with would flood me with emotionally charged declarations of love, tell me things he planned to do for me, with me and then acted as if he had never said them. Weeks would go by and I would hear nothing after arranging to see me or remaining totally silent after I’d sent text messages or little thoughtful things that I thought he would appreciate. The silence was appalling and I found myself questioning every last word, act or even how I looked the last time I saw him, trying to fathom what I’d done wrong or provoked the silence from him. It made me question my sanity my worth became based on how he responded and treated me and I completely lost all sense of self. Thankfully I have managed to let go even though it’s painful because u do hold onto the good parts but then u question whether they ever really meant as much to that person as they did to you. Investing emotionally in a narrcisstic person is futile for the one on the receiving end of their erratic unpredictable sadistic behavior and I’m glad for these articles and hearing others experiences as it helps to remind me I made the right descision for my emotional health and well being to walk away.

    • secoué

      March 5th, 2015 at 5:10 PM

      O how I feel played.. I’m still a bit shocked. Have been in a relationship that he started very soon to tell me he love me, call me his girl/”spouse”, even called himself my husband, wanted me to move into his house, and presented me for all his friends etc. Everything seemed to genuine and I actually started to consider moving in with him (I live in the other side of the country). Then when I came home after a very nice weekend, he just suddenly out of the blue(!) didnt answer my phonecalls, or my sms, or my e-mails. I was really stressed out and believed he was angry or that some stupid misunderstanding had happened. After some frustrating days he suddenly sent me a very unpersonal text-message about “needed some time to think”. A bit shocked I replied “take your time”.. Still hoping to get a sort of explanation. The last week has been totally silent. I sent him an message yesterday and asked if he still had planned to come this weekend as we had agreed on prior to this silent treatment. No answer.. This morning I decided that this is it. I dont deserve to be treated like this so I just sent him a text-message “I give up. I still dont have a clue why you treat me like this, hope you find what you are looking for and wishing you all the best”. No reply, but a few hous later he removed me from his friendslist on Facebook (we are not teenagers, as it might seems like it. We are above 50..!). I been around for a while.. But still this is the wierdest, strangest kind of ending to a relationship i EVER have been trough. Isnt it a common curtesy to at least say goodbye? Where did the kind, caring and warm person I thought I knew go? I realice I have to give my self a closure on this. I’m usually good in communication with people, never been in this situation before. IF this is about a narsissit, can the fact that he wanted to play chess with me the last weekend, and the fact that I won – be the thing? (he told me he was quite good in chess when we played, but I’ve erlier won several chess-games with some of the best in our country – he didnt know..). We has never had any arguments. We were fine!.. The silly chessgame is all I can really think of

    • Anthony

      March 6th, 2015 at 5:09 PM

      Your story touched me…my ex girlfriend always said that she as a girl he dad would play “head games” with her and that she became very adept to playing them herself. I should have ran to hills when I heard that..but no it wasn’t the chess game itself..but it is a game for them. I was in a relationship for years with a narcissist and they can destroy all yourself worth. They’re extremely good at it..be glad it’s done.

    • Linda

      March 5th, 2015 at 11:45 PM

      This is so my ex husband! Unbelievable!

    • tina

      March 6th, 2015 at 8:11 AM

      I finally walked away just last night. I sent him a long text on what the silent treatment does to a person. I dont deserve this I went above and beyond in that relationship. The thing is I am quite certain he will call again. I have to be strong as this is the 4th time he has done this to me. He says he loves me and I am his everything. Really? I am officially done. I hope I can remain strong. I start to hear songs or think of good times and I start feeling sad.. then I remember the silent treatment. Geez..it hurts so bad to be ignored. We are not children..we are both 50! The worst part is right before this last bit of silent treatment I loaned him 1000.00! i will take it as a loss and just let my heart heal.

    • Anthony

      March 6th, 2015 at 4:59 PM

      Tina be glad it was only money…the torture that narcs can inflict is way worse..the lies..the cheating…the endless days and some cases weeks of silence and no contact.

    • Fiona

      March 15th, 2015 at 2:26 PM

      Tina, I have been through the exact same thing. The only difference being that I lent him £15,000.. I found out he was seeing someone else.. Which is why it has now ended… But the worst thing is that he turned it around and blamed me and is now ignoring me so I’ve not been able to get closure! I am just trying to convince myself that I’ve been saved and trying to move on.. It’s hard:(

    • Lisa

      March 7th, 2015 at 6:53 PM

      Trying to figure out narcissists is so emotionally exhausting. I’ve been dealing with one for the past 8 months and still haven’t mastered how to
      Not care. Going thru a silent treatment right now….beyond painful!

    • secoué

      March 9th, 2015 at 4:05 AM

      My “suvival attitude” since the silence treatment started exactly 2 weeks from now has been to continue “business as usual” when it comes to social activity’s with friends and family (even if I’m torn up inside), and I started to meditate and do yoga again – just to manage to clear my head and reduce my inner stresslevel. I’m not expecting to hear from him again. It seems like this is a “break-up silent treatment”. Either way, I’m totally done now. I dont need this shit and drama in my life. Hate it when people play games with others feelings. Discovered today that he is “snooping” in social media on me – using fake profiles. That fact alone just creeps me out and makes me glad I has manage to tell him that this silent treatment of his suprises me and that i dont deserve this from him. Thank you for this forum, it helps me in the process of understand what was going on and how to deal with this and take care of my self in a healthy way

    • Andrea

      March 9th, 2015 at 5:01 PM

      I am living with a man who has now started the silent treatment. I got out of a violent relationship only 5 months ago. I am so confused. I feel stupid and worthless.

    • sharon

      March 11th, 2015 at 7:46 AM

      I van relate. I also just got out of an abusive relationship and has gotten myself involved with someone that’s controlling and has been using the silent treatment for three weeks now. He will only respond if I get really angry and threaten to walk away then he will go right back to the silent treatment. Totally confused and hurt…

    • wade w.

      March 9th, 2015 at 6:40 PM

      I exposed my abusers lies to her coworkers and friends.. As punishment for bringing her lies and abuse to light I am on week three of the silent treatment.. I ve been with my abuser for 14 years.. I took care of her after our divorce when she was diagnosed with cancer despite her lies abuse and cheating..I thought it would change her but it didnt.. Ive become numb to her verbal emotional and psychological abuse.. What keeps me going are my children and the hope that one day I will be free .

    • Merve

      March 10th, 2015 at 8:12 PM

      I’m going through the same thing right now. Except we don’t have kids and it’s been 8 years. His whole family are abusers. He is completely same when he is away from his family. But after every interaction with them, his second personality comes out. If e doesn’t see them 6 months, we’re done for 6 months. One “hello” from them
      and the beast comes out.
      He also has abandonment issues since his mom left when he was a kid. Right now he’s giving me the silent treatment.

    • tina

      March 13th, 2015 at 11:10 AM

      Is this a narcissist? I just got out of a relationship.He abruptly hung up and I havent talked since. I am not sure who left the relationship him or me. This man is an entertainer and has been since he was a young man. He is now 50. He get lots of praise and standing ovations. He needed constant praise all the time. Even if he bought me something I had to act and talk about it for hours, if I didnt he would get upset and act like I didnt like it.He spent hours on grooming himself and constantly needed praise for what he wore how he looked and what he did. I couldnt keep up.He borrowed money from me constantly and I would gladly give it until I couldnt pay my bills. He wanted me to look perfect when i was with him. This was a long distance relationship. He would get mad (for nothing) like he had to find reasons to yell and then hang up then not talk for days. When he finally called it was clearly my fault for whatever it was. I would always let it go.This last time he hung up i had enough. I havent talked to him sense but yet he hasnt tried to talk to me.Its only been a week and a half.I still think about him alot and i am hoping that when he calls I can be strong enough to not answer. The silent treatment is so demeaning.

    • Ondy

      March 13th, 2015 at 11:36 PM

      My dad used to play this trick on me when I was a boy.
      Six weeks was the longest – not a word spoken (by either of us to one another while living in the same house) Didn’t really work on me. I used to hold up a ‘mirror’ to him when he did and that really pissed him off no end which made me feel a bit better, Not very productive all the same. It was only on his death bed (at home) that he told me he loved me so all’s well that ends well. I think he resented me because my mother gassed herself when I was aged just nine months. That was 57 years ago when I don’t suppose they knew much about post natal depression. The Old Man passed 20 years ago and strangely, I miss him :)

    • tina

      March 16th, 2015 at 10:45 AM

      I just received a call from him the other day after two weeks of no talking. I did not answer and the voice mail blamed me. I sent a text saying I had enough. He apologized and said he was wrong and he loves me. I never replied back. I love him and always will but I have found strength. I know he is hurting but these are his actions that created this!

    • josh

      March 17th, 2015 at 12:37 AM

      I’ve been in a relationship on an off for 3 years now with this girl. I can’t believe I didn’t see it. She’s a classic narcissist. I’m a very caring empathetic person and she lured me into her crazy life. She gives off the sweet small pretty perfect girl to the outside viewer but the silent treatment and her lack of caring really do show the true side of her. First I thought her weird moments where she “wants to be alone” for days or weeks at a time, were due to her trauma in her life. From her abortion to the sexual abuse by her father. Sure these traumatic events of her life could be contributing to her behavior, but still. I have been nothing but nice and helpful to her.

      I realize it’s all part of her game. I heard about her exes and saw how all those guys keep coming back and some stay gone for good. But when I ask about her past relationships she always has some story “he is with his new gf” but now I know she did the silent treatment on them. She told me stories about them showing up at her house to talk. Well now that shes blocked me on facebook, ignored my texts, calls, now I know I understand why her exes always showed up at her house. This is no random events, this is the result of a narcissist. They notice the good in you. As a relationship it’s very stressful learning that this isn’t just another one of her “leave me alone” moments but its actually called something – silent treatment. Abuse. It destroys me. I love this girl, my family loves her, we talk every day for 3 years now (except during silent treatment episodes) and have been super close not just dating but best friends too. It’s been a few days of silent treatment and I’ve had enough. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m not going to let my strength empathy, or compassion, become my weakness. Hopefully I can find someone who will appreciate that. But until then I’m going to try and remove myself because I’ve spent 3 years, it’s nearly impossible to change a narcissist, someone who acts like a 5 year old when they don’t get their way.

    • Lisa

      March 19th, 2015 at 10:49 AM

      I know exactly what u are talking about. My ex does same thing one week I think he wants to get back together the next he’s giving me silent treatment. I’m at fault for everything….I can’t ever do anything right. Constantly tells me I like to argue when I stand up for myself. I’m in the middle of another silent treatment and weirdest things Is he used to put restrictions on me via fb so back in jan I unfriended him and yesterday I noticed he now blocked me. Not like we can see anything anyway BuT I find these passive aggressive ways so very hurtful. I hope you find the courage to go No Contact w ur narc. I’m going to do same but I know it will be hard

    • Northern_Guy

      March 18th, 2015 at 8:31 AM

      Interesting. I was the “covert/compensatory narcissist” in the marriage, but she used the silent treatment like gangbusters. In fact, she often framed things as if I was the one who was totally emotionally unavailable, but I remember many many times when I felt the distance becoming too great, and tried to use gentle physical touch, or foot rubs, or closeness to get through. It seemed like she would only want to be intimate when she was around her cycle (what some call “ovulation sex”). My own mother was never diagnosed – I thought anxiety and major loss (childhood and early adulthood loss) were her issues but I now think she is borderline or even narcissistic with the anxiety and OCD and major control issues falling out of that. Sadly, despite efforts NOT to be like my parents, I am very anxious and have low self esteem and very little faith in myself, so I (a) project this image of myself that I think people will find likable – classic narcissism and (b) need to control every minute part of my life. I loathe uncertainty and mock spontaneity. I don’t travel, or vacation, or go to parties and I don’t see the very few friends I have regularly at all. In a way, I have become my parents – my mother especially. It’s good that I am fully aware of this now, and don’t enter into relationships which are doomed to failure. I have many great ‘surface traits’ that I use to compensate for my severe need for control and to get validation from others.

      As difficult as a relationship with me would be, it also causes ME a lot of stress and strain. I pick partners who are “damaged goods” in some ways, because I perceive they will be less able to control me, or perhaps I make a covert deal that due to some sort of imbalance they *owe it to me* not to control me. I help them (fix them, help them with an unmanageable situation) then I expect them to help me, by allowing me to live in a bubble and expecting them to keep me company there.

      It’s really really messed up. What’s worst of all is when I actually DO help the other person get over their obstacle(s) (or they do it on their own) they realize, once the difficulty of their situation is gone, than to live in that bubble with me is suffocating, the same way I felt when I was living at home with my parents.

      I was caught in this horrific catch 22: I was desperately dependent on my parents (by their design), yet I was intensely resentful about the control and manipulation. It was like an addiction: the thing I needed (them) was the thing I loathed (them).

      Attachment theory is right. My attachment was insecure and volatile – my mother dolled out love and praise in a very conditional manner. If you caused her any anxiety (and god knows it didn’t take much) you were punished – and not in an obvious way. You were subverted and guilt tripped and were chastised by the martyr mommy who “did everything for you” and you “didn’t appreciate it” (read: didn’t sit quietly in a chair and be inanimate so you didn’t trigger mothers hypersensitive nervous system).

      Basically, her children would be full of self doubt, wired for stress, shamefully dependent yet often grandiose and entitled at the same time. Addiction, lack of planning, lack of direction, pleasure seeking, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, OCD…

      Horror is sometimes extreme stories of physical or sexual abuse, or just ice-cold neglect. But sometimes when you have a very mentally unwell parent, horror is the day you wake up and realize you are not only them, you now have children of your own.

      The idea of “infecting” my own children with this is the saddest thing I can think of.

      Yeah, I got control issues…

    • Janet

      March 18th, 2015 at 11:10 AM

      Thanks to all who have bravely exposed their private lives in order to help someone. I am adding my story as well. I am an over 50 year old woman who moved in with a gentleman in his mid fifties. Initially our relationship was wonderful, but I began noticing that if I disagreed with something that was said, I was told I was challenging him and trying to start a fight! He would then give me the silent treatment saying that I was causing him stress and that I like every other female he’s been involved with turn out this way – that he’s always been the one mistreated by “females” – a favorite saying of his is that females don’t not how to treat a man well. Only women do!

      Each time, I tried hard to quell my feelings when he ranted about something, but eventually my sense of fair play would step in and I’d try to present the other perspective and bam! we were back in an argument and I would be given the silent treatment. Usually within 3-5 days he would hug me and things seemed to be ok again. Last night he tried to show me something on Youtube “a conspiracy theory” type of subject and I just said, I didn’t have the same opinion and it sparked another incident. He said I had to show “masculine” energy by challenging him and that women like me, who are managers (he isn’t a manager) feels it necessary to exhibit this behavior. So this morning he isn’t talking to me. And he expressly said not to try to engage him in conversation about anything.

      I have realized that this man has an inferiority complex and feels the need to display his “power” over me in order to feel better about himself – I have decided it’s time to move on. Being alone may not be enjoyable, but having inner peace certainly is!

    • tina

      March 19th, 2015 at 9:50 AM

      Janet,your right about inner peace. I didnt realize until i walked away how much confusion and stress he was causing me. I loved him so much and still do. Somedays I cant picture my life with out him..but sadly I have to. He will never change. I dont think he meant to hurt me, and now hes the one who is feeling sad and abandoned but I had to find the strength to go. Good luck!

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      March 19th, 2015 at 11:34 AM

      Thank you for your comment, Tina. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here.

      We have more information about domestic violence here
      and additional information about what to do in a crisis here.

      Warm regards,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Bellami

      March 19th, 2015 at 10:26 AM

      i was unfortunately the victim of narsasistic abuse not only as a child by my parents but as an adult in a 7 year relationship.Injust recently discovered what nod is & realized I had Ben traumatized as a child from this abuse & had subconsciously entered a relationship with someone who had the same disorder.This individual presented themself to be a wonderful, caring,thoughtful, trustworthy, partner….only to show there true self in the years to follow of selfish,emotionally & physically abusive,arrogant,manipulative,& vindictive.This person went above & beyond to gain my trust & love only to destroy it as well as my self worth as soon as they obtained the power too.I advise anyone who thinks or has any feeling they may be dealing with a narraacist to get away from them as soon as possible.if you research npd & victims of npd abuse you will see the long term damaging affects it can cause as well as realize that npd personality disorder cannot be treated they are incapable of love & therefore will only drain you of yours as well as your self worth.

    • Lisa

      March 19th, 2015 at 10:57 AM

      I’m hurting very bad. My ex started talking about getting back together last week to not trying to see me texting about how eveything is my fault. Now back to silent treatment and he blocked me on fb which we weren’t even friends on Bc I unfriended him back in jan. What was the point of that? I’m seeking support and hoping to hear stories of people who have successfully left narcs behind

    • Raelene

      March 20th, 2015 at 2:04 PM

      Thanks for the helpful comments. I am learning more about narcissistic behavior. I am currently having trouble dealing with this from a person I’m interested in. He seems very caring and respectful to me. However, when I was having phone troubles with text messages being sent to him in bunches, he accused me of being overly emotional & that I was stressing him. He then have me the silent treatment for 2 weeks. It hurt so much, I even blamed myself for what happened. We eventually started talking again after I stroked his ego a bit by telling him “to be the kind person he is to at least talk to me”. I don’t understand him at times. He can be so loving by saying he misses me & thinks of me & says he’s mine, but can’t figure out why he acts this way.

    • Onamonapia

      March 21st, 2015 at 12:39 AM

      What do you want from me, my narcissist? Yes I have love for you. Yes I left you. I have been trying to for some time. Every move you make, action you take, breath you make is written about word for word in any ‘characteristics of a narc” handbook. Your current smear tactic is anticipatorily written about. You want things to stay the same but my feelings for you have changed. I no longer want to have anything to do with you. By your posts here u make it seem u want the same. On this fine website meant for victims of abuse which you have chosen to use as a public tool (again textbook narc) to manipulate others but after I dumped your ass you started saying you don’t want me anymore (textbook Narx try to leave u when they realize they are being abandoned). I changed up everything like u wanted it made no difference.

      I don’t care if you live or die; but leave me out of it. Do you understand the words leave me alone? Go away. Shoo.
      Sorry you suck but you’re not my nightmare anymore.

      You are the all powerful 50 yr old Oz and good for you. I am most satisfied in life that I am me, and not you.

      All your high profile moves make u look bad. I’ll be fine. You’re lying anyway and any decent person can figure it out. Or not, I’m cool either way you know why? I can reaffirm myself. Something you will never accomplish in this lifetime or the next, and one after that etc. Because you are a bastard.

      There but for the Grace of God go I.

    • Terri

      March 23rd, 2015 at 10:24 AM

      After reading this site it’s like a lightbulb went off in my head. Maybe this is what’s wrong with my so. almost seven years ago we were best friends. Inseparable. We couldn’t go a day without seeing each other. She told me she had fallen in love with me. I was hesitant but said lets give it a shot. The first year was remarkable when she wasn’t crying that I had family obligations and other friends. So in order to keep the peace I distanced myself from everyone. When we were good it was intense and I saw love in her eyes. But she was possessive and moody with me a lot. I always soothed her. She told me I’m the only one who ever treated her so good. About 3 years ago her grandmother passed away who basically raised her. Her mother is nasty and her father left when she was a baby. I was there doing everything to make life easier for her but she kept putting me down. Nothing I did or say was good enough. She mentally wore me down over and over. Thinking she was depressed I kept trying. For the last 6 months I refuse to be treated like a nobody. Told her to get help. She said I’m the crazy one. Yet I see her with other people and she’s the nicest woman. She has no other family just two sons. Has avoided me as much as possible cause she’s tired of being a disappointment to me. Yet when we do see each other she criticizes me. I miss her boys. They miss me too. I don’t know if this is a grieving phase or more to it. I’ve been depressed just trying too hard. Can’t understand what went wrong

    • Carol

      March 24th, 2015 at 12:52 PM

      I could have written this, if I had the words, I could have written this. This is what my life was about for a while until I decided:No more! I’ve had enough and I deserve better.

      I was wearing myself out running around in circles trying to fit my picture into his narcissistic frame. I tried to rationalise his silent treatment, telling myself he needed space and time to “think things through” or “work out his feelings” even when I had absolutely no clue what had brought on the silence.
      It got worse over time… and it hurt more and even though I tried to communicate this to him, he didn’t care! That is what got me wondering – that he didn’t care. What normal person does not care about the pain they cause others? What normal person seems to actually derive some perverse pleasure from knowing that their actions are causing another person pain? And for no discernible reason, too! Half the time, I didn’t even know what I had “done” to put him in this mood.

      I realise now that it was never about me… It was always about him and the emptiness he feels inside him. The lack of feelings,of a genuine sense of reality, of self assurance… If I wasn’t dealing with my own trauma after my experience with him, I would almost feel sorry for him… But I don’t. The only thing I feel is an accute sense of relief that I got away when I did, that I found out who and what he was before I lost myself, and that now he’s no longer my problem.
      I could throw a party!!

    • MP

      April 6th, 2015 at 2:08 PM

      This is me Carol. It is all about them. I dont think my partner cares. How can someone love you and treat you this way. Now ive confronted him and decided not to live with it anymore he says we are different and our relationship has failed because of our differences. He convinces himself that he couldnt live with our relatonship now that ive made the break. He is unable to see fault within himself and chooses to blame the situation. Why cant they take resoonsibility for their actions? Do they believe their behaviour is normal? I just dont get it. Im made to feel like im crazy and the one always in the wrong.

    • Carol

      April 7th, 2015 at 3:43 AM

      I know about the crazy-making, MP. I remember the first time I tried to leave because of a female “friend” who was flirting with him and making inappropriate posts on his FB. I drew boundaries on that and demanded he put a stop to it because he wasn’t single anymore and he had a responsibility to respect me and our relationship. I told him clearly that I felt uncomfortable with the posts the “friend” was making on his wall and if he couldn’t put a stop to it, I would leave.

      His response? He told me he had known her before he knew me (gasp!) and he knew she had a crush on him but he “wanted to let her down easy”. I couldn’t believe my ears! So I was just supposed to sit pretty and put up with it because he “wanted to let her down easy”? No regards about my feelings? The nerve! I told him I would leave him to his devices and have no part of it… That’s when he out rightly called me crazy. His exact words were: I have dementia and should be locked up in an asylum and the key thrown away. Why? Because “how could I trivialise our relationship and everything he had done for me, over something as minor as FB? How could I walk away from ‘the Greatest Love of our lives’ so easily? There had to be something SERIOUSLY WRONG with me!”
      This was about 4 months into the relationship and I hadn’t quite put a finger on what type of person he was (a narcissist) so he was able to confuse and beat me down with his words and manipulate me into thinking I was overreacting. He went into a rage, shouting and sobbing (yes, they can turn on the waterworks when it suits them) and before I knew it, I was making apologies and trying to calm him down! He made me feel guilty and unreasonable for having boundaries! I paid for that for the next 2 weeks through a solid wall of silence and cold treatment from him.
      I should have left him then… But better late than never. The important thing is, I eventually did leave. It’s been a little over a month now, and it’s not been easy but I’m taking it a day at a time. And I grow stronger and feel better with each passing day. Stay strong. :-)

    • MP

      April 7th, 2015 at 11:46 AM

      2 weeks seems to be the most common length of time for silent treatment from narcissists doesn’t it. It’s uncanny.

    • Mary

      April 7th, 2015 at 5:27 PM

      How about almost four months now! He has given me the “short term” ST, over our 37 years of marriage and I have stood there like an idiot and taken it! This time he stopped talking to me two days before New Year and does not show any signs of willing to start talking. We have two sons 35 and 33 and they have tried to talk to him but he tells them “he knows what he is doing” .
      My heart is in smithereens!

    • Carol

      April 8th, 2015 at 3:33 AM

      I’m sorry for your pain, Mary. After everything I’ve read on emotional abuse, I’m inclined to think that your SO does “know what he’s doing”… Don’t they all? They know the pain they cause with the silent treatment. They know how it hurts us and weakens our defences and sense of self-worth. It’s all about control and having things their way – on their own terms. How selfish. I do hope you start to feel better soon. Hang in there.

    • AER

      March 28th, 2015 at 11:18 AM

      Amazing description of what I have lived with for 26 years!

      Thank you!

    • Anamika

      April 6th, 2015 at 4:47 PM

      This is my sister all over. After every fight, I have to apologize and make the first step. Every fight is a laundry list of how she has been treated badly. And the relationship consists of all action on my part and very little on her part. But nothing I do is good. For years I have been putting my love and energy into the relationship but largely it is taken for granted. She has been giving me the silent treatment for the better part of two months. Can someone be a narcissist and a victim? She is combining the role masterfully. I have never heard her take responsibility for any of her actions but she projects all the problems onto me. I am at the point of cutting her off.

    • Jolly G.

      April 7th, 2015 at 1:57 AM

      That could be written to any of us .. it’s the same problems, different hostages. The only common element is …. you guessed it.
      I want to hear what I do wrong I don’t hear it enough. I never tell him he’s wrong in assessments of me no matter how scathing because he’s not wrong. I need the help.

    • Nick

      April 7th, 2015 at 9:05 AM

      My ex in spades. We promised each other at the beginning of our relationship that we would talk through any difficulties we had, but inevitably, any discussion in which I was critical of her actions in any way, no matter how polite or assertively I framed it, was met with “well, that’s just how I am; it’s how I’ve always been and I’m not changing”. The days of silence afterwards led to me believing that the distance was just hurting our relationship and I would apologize for bringing it up and any ways in which I miscommunicated, and I would receive no such apology in return. I was always the bad guy in these things. I was already struggling with depression, but these situations just made it worse. Eventually it got bad enough that she decided to end it because I just wasn’t good enough.

    • MK

      April 8th, 2015 at 6:01 AM

      I have been in a long distance relationship for 17 years now…and while the first few years were great, in the last few years I get a sense of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I go crazy thinking about ‘what did I do wrong” then I try to manipulate my sentences so that I might get a reaction….I have tried loving mails / loving texts / indifferent mails / indifferent text…..the works. Sometimes a small argument will trigger something, sometimes nothing at all. We recently went on a wonderful trip, had a blast. But once we came back he was distant, and monosyllabic, post which I freeze….and don’t know how to respond in a normal and natural way…..and start to behave like a moron. The last time this happened….we actually had a fight, and he went silent on me for 5 frikking months!!! I wrote to him saying…goodbye,,,,,I wish you well / you were the love of my life….yada yada…..and he decides to come back.
      No apology, nothing. Just…..I now wish to talk. Like who the hell are you? God?

      Anyways, I don’t know who is the bigger moron, me or him. The crazy thing is, I am a self confident , intelligent business woman ……what is wrong with me?? Why am I doing this to myself. Help.

      Currently he is not talking for the past 10 days….though reappears on the scene sporadically….with a vague text response…I’m emotionally exhausted.

    • Janet

      April 8th, 2015 at 12:10 PM

      I wrote on March 19th about my narcissistic man and after he said not to engage him in any conversation (or dialog with him as he likes to say.) I decided to change my response. I decided to use the time to think about my life and where it has ended up. I started listening to soothing music and began reading a book called “Successful Women Think Differently” by Valorie Burton. I realize now that I have more control in my life than I thought.

      Well, now he’s approaching me asking if I’m ok, if I’m unhappy, would I like to talk and he has been trying to start conversation with me…. I finally got it – I was playing into his hands, giving him ultimate power over me by pleading with him to talk to me and work things out – he wasn’t interested in that – he just wants control over the situation and every time I responded the way he wanted, he felt powerful.
      By changing my response to him and my behavior, it has left him feeling uncertain. First, I had to take ownership of my own contribution to our unhealthy relationship. I am a person who respects others, treats them with courtesy and I don’t get enjoyment in oppressing others. I deserve to be treated with the same level of courtesy and respect, but if the other person doesn’t reciprocate – it’s up to me to either take it or move on. He is only treating me the way I allowed him to treat me.

      He doesn’t have the control unless I give it to him. I can only change myself and that has been such an empowering feeling for me. I am reconnecting with myself, learning to like myself. I’m working out again at a gym – my way! (I got so discouraged when he told me I wasn’t doing enough during my workouts – I wasn’t going at it hardcore like he does everything, so I didn’t care about myself – or about looking good for him.) Now I’m happy with my progress; that’s what is important – I can see the difference in my overall stamina and seeing some toning happening!

      The one real change is that I don’t have to live in this state of unhappiness – I can choose the path to happiness which is life without him. That has been my form of therapy.

      I hope each and every person here finds their sense of inner peace – remember – you deserve happiness.

    • Carol

      April 9th, 2015 at 6:21 PM

      Janet,

      I can relate. Lol. I remember the 2nd to last fight I had with my N, just after valentines (he blew me off because his ex showed up unannounced with their child in tow. Didn’t even bother calling to explain and excuse himself) Anyhow I found out about it and confronted him. Of course it was turned around to “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be upset” and “It’s quite clear you don’t trust me.”

      Basically, it somehow become about me and my “insecurities” and “lack of trust” and before I knew it, I was on the defensive! (Oh, wiles of these people!) Long story short, after telling me some VERY hurtful things that had little to do with the situation at hand, he punctuated the entire incident with the silent treatment.

      I let him stew in his self righteousness for a few days (by then I was too emotionally exhausted to care) then I send him a message saying if I didn’t hear from him by the end of the day, I’d consider the relationship over and pack up his stuff from my house and have it delivered to him. I had never done anything like that before so it must have really rattled him because just like that, he broke the silence and responded!

      It would have been funny if I wasn’t hurting so bad. And the thing is, just because he responded doesn’t mean he had seen the error of his ways. Barely three weeks later, he was back at the silent treatment and stonewalling again. I had to break the cycle. I left him. Hardest thing I ever did, but it just had to be done before I lost my mind and sense of self.

      Ps:I think the worst thing I did was to let him know early on in the relationship just how much the silence hurt me. It’s like I handed him a loaded gun and told him to take shots at me which he did with pleasure over and over again. The trick, I think, is not to let them see how much their silent treatment affects you. That way, it takes away the perverse joy they get when they know you’re suffering.

    • Mk

      April 9th, 2015 at 2:31 AM

      Janet,

      It is so funny that you say what you do. After reading everyones experiences and basically coming to this page….I had an Aaha moment….and everything fell into place. Suddenly I felt empowered. So yesterday at night….I sent him a hi text, in the hope of a response. He gv a brief hi as a response….when I said where hv you been? there was no reply. I took the courage…..and wrote again….Have fun…you seem to be enjoying this…
      Oh my God this morning he was a different person. I got 10 texts….all needing me to have a particular reaction – i am not enjoying anything / I am unwell / I am feeling lousy….my response to everything was …oh ok. I am feeling like a million bucks. No begging / pleading / requesting / rephrasing…..nothing. I stopped feeding into his garbage. Lets see where this goes. Stay tuned! Also women need to read a wonderful book called “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood.

    • Mary

      April 9th, 2015 at 8:30 AM

      Dear Carol, thank you so much for your words! Perhaps you can’t imagine but you wishing me to feel better it means a lot to me. To all of you, thanks for this blog, it is reassuring and great support. Actually it is therapy to me! I’ll keep in touch.

      By the way, still not communicating. I am not going to be the first to try to communicate this time! I am not! Promise!

    • Carol

      April 9th, 2015 at 5:51 PM

      Dear Mary,

      That’s the spirit! Do not give him the satisfaction of “winning” by trying to break through the silence HE has imposed. I know it’s hard, I struggle with it daily and I’m the one who a left. I guess some weak part of me still hopes he’ll come after me, *sigh*. But every time I start to feel weak and sappy over “missing” him, and find myself inventing reasons to contact him (the mind can be so treacherous sometimes), I switch off my phone/device and distance myself from it by finding another activity and forcing myself to concentrate on it. The struggle is SO real, but what’s the alternative? More rejection and more hurt, and we don’t deserve that!
      Stay strong in your resolve not to contact him and just take this time to love on yourself… That’s what I’m doing, and I find that with each passing day, even on those days I “miss” him most, his hold on me gets weaker and the light at the end of the tunnel looks closer and brighter.
      Hope springs eternal.
      Hugs :-)

    • Janet

      April 9th, 2015 at 9:28 AM

      Good for you MK!!

      Unfortunately, we are stuck living together until he saves up money to leave. He used to threaten to pack up his stuff and leave all the time and there I was (I look back on those incidents with chagrin) urging him to talk this through, to work things out like an adult; fearful I was blowing the opportunity to be with a good guy but now I understand the threat was to keep me in line.

      When he last said it this last time – I agreed with him and said I think it would be better for us to split up. Well, the back-pedaling that occurred is amazing! Now he’s saying he wants us to stay together but I need to change in order for that to happen….

      I’m changing alright – but not into what he wants, hence the reason he broke the silent treatment after only a few days (LOL!)

      I told him I wouldn’t throw him out; I own the place and he pays 1/2 the mortgage payment. I said he can reduce what he’s paying to me to save up enough to be able to find another place.

      Like you, MK, I am confident in my work, as a manager. I hold other positions of leadership, yet I allowed this man to make me feel incompetent, insecure and completely at fault for our relationship. I’m a few years younger and I make double what this man makes, yet he scolds me saying I’m not working to my full potential. (Yup – he’s quite a piece of work). I’m not saying that he’s not right – I could find another job making more money than I’m making now – that would also be more stressful than what I’m doing and wouldn’t allow me the free time to do the hobby I enjoy.

      I know he wants me to be a submissive, beaten down woman. My attempts to respond during our “dialogs” as he said, were seen by him to be argumentative, stubborn and manly. He only wanted one way dialog – he speaks, I agree (or do).

      This morning during our commute to work, he ranted on about me being too friendly to people (a saleswoman asked us last night if we needed help in a store and I told her what I was looking for – he just walked on ahead). He said we didn’t need the help – we could have found what was needed on our own.

      That “dialog” just reinforced my resolve to not let him back into my heart because he broke silence a little earlier than usual. He doesn’t have a contrite heart nor does he believe he’s in the wrong.

    • mk

      April 9th, 2015 at 11:05 AM

      Its good to hear that you hv finally cracked the code Janet!

      While I recognise the narcissit behaviour…we have had some very good times and he has been very loving. I dont know how to deal with that part. That is what makesleaving him hard…despite my new found bravado….
      Any thoughts anyone wants to share?

    • SLF

      May 16th, 2015 at 11:58 AM

      Just my opinion but there is a pattern here, he goes silent and you contact him…He goes silent and you contact him. In my opinion and I am no expert I think breaking this cycle might be a good thing. Just my opinion. Discover who you are alone.

    • Creme Puff

      April 10th, 2015 at 3:34 AM

      Dude is on a role playing rampage on here. There are so many mixed up cross played narratives and it doesn’t matter. If only he would listen to me, let me help him, well you know what? It doesn’t matter.
      It doesn’t matter!

      The silent treatment — he has not silent treated me for years, ever since we stopped having sex (he married someone else – a lesbian that didn’t last) I obviously do/did enough for him that he found it worthwhile not to stop communicating but he sure used the crap out of me. And you know it just doesn’t matter any longer.

      He takes my advice and uses it to his full advantage; owns a house single handedy because of me. He would never have gotten that to happen otherwise, but did I get a tour? An acknowledgement even? How about a thank you — heck no he takes credit himself for my work in this and dozens of similar scenarios. He still ‘secretly’ covets me while telling smear tales with smatterings of reality in them, hoping to bury his one and only worthwhile xg.f. turned parent.
      As his Mommy and his Daddy I have been known to lambaste him with insults and cut his character a new a hole. He takes it and deals with the conflict so he doesn’t need to silent treat anybody, he can handle conflict and discuss stuff if he feels so inclined.
      He a lazy mo fo, is what’s up and his shallow inconsequential regard for you, for me, for the dog — is based on proximity. Oh his need for you is real but the way he seamlessly can replace one of you for another or me for you is downright ghastly ghost-like.

      Let’s say something happens — you wind up dead, or leaving him (one and the same in his heart) He feels bad for like 20 minutes at the most and then that feeling is vanished until such time it gets reignited.

      I have changed the way I perceive things, as I can only control my reaction and self. I expect to get hurt, I expect if I choose to deal with him he will be a supreme jerk. And he is, like clockwork. It doesn’t phase me or disgust me anymore I simply acquired ambivalence from so much insufferable non friendly treatment from him.
      He is quite unremarkably a gargantuan a-hole.
      I really would like all of you to stick around. He needs you — esp the poor child who lives with him; wait til you really try to sever it. Whoa nelly.

      He’s stupid, I’m silly for thinking better of him then he is really ever capable of. But please don’t forget him or move on because then he’ll come after me and I’m tired of being surveilled and other b.s. when he realizes I’m really going going gone. He wants to do nothing and get all; win win win and drain you of your life force. He does this to any girl as a knee jerk reaction to life until the only one left , ever is the little punching bag that had him thrown in jail. She must enjoy feeling trauma bonded, as she says, so there is no personal responsibility on her part to be well. The way he uses her is def-com able – absolutely jaw dropping.
      If you were to hear him describe it, he ‘has to destroy’ all that touches his heart. It’s just the way he was born, he says, and he has no control of it. What a way to take responsibility for the day. Aye?

    • secoué

      April 11th, 2015 at 6:34 AM

      Have been reading all your posts and realice that I maybe “the lucky one” since I “got away”.. After the first silence treatment week i sent him a sms stating that “this is enough” and that “I dont deserve this”. Then he removed me as a friend on Facebook.. (soo mature, he is only 52). So I guess I was “dumped with silence” even after he sent me a short message that he “wanted to see me again, and we had so goodchemistry”.. yeah right..
      Im slightly brused. I had genuine feelings for him and had believed all the crap about he wanting me to move together with him.
      It is hard to heal on my own and make my own closure. I hate the fact that I never got an straight answer from him of what went wrong. But now I have concluded, its not me, its totally him, and try to get over him by having the “mantra”: This is his loss.. I’m a nice person, and he has sabotaged this by never giving me/this a fair change. Silence treatment is just mean. To all you wonderful people out there who hurts like hell right now: You deserve better! Dont fall for their evil and dysfunctional strategies! Move on, find someone with a warm hart and the ability to love. We all deserve someone better than someone who treats us like this shit. Big cyber-hug from me! <3

    • Rebecca

      April 11th, 2015 at 7:05 PM

      Andrea, you wrote this:
      “Also– I’d like to add, I have a list of resources at the end of my first 3 articles on narcissistic abuse recovery, including online support forums, literature, etc…please take a look as see what might be helpful to you…Andrea Schneider, LCSW”

      But I can’t find the list of resources you’re talking about. I’m specifically interested in finding online support forums. Would you please provide a link? Thanks

    • Susan

      April 11th, 2015 at 9:33 PM

      Great article. Now everything makes sense. I’ve been engaged to a man who 2 years ago walked out on me after I broke my leg saying that I didn’t show enough appreciation for him. He broke up with me while I was in this compromised state and didn’t speak to me for 7 weeks. Not one inquiry as to how I was doing etc. I put the relationship back together. He never apologized for his behavior. I just think its cruel to walk out on someone when they can’t even take care of themselves. On march 1st of this year we had an argument and again he gave me the silent treatment for a month. This time I broke the silence again only to tell him I couldn’t live with this and I ended our relationship which

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      April 12th, 2015 at 12:20 PM

      Thanks for the many responses…I can’t possibly keep up with all the comments so if you need to contact me directly, please email me through my profile here at goodtherapy.org I think the volume of responses speaks to the need for so many to have access to high quality support. Rebecca— I am including the link to my first article on narcissistic abuse recovery I wrote for goodtherapy.org over 2 years ago here and at the end of the article is a resource list (which now needs to be updated)…I would also add Christine Louis de Cannonville’s work at narcisssiticbehavior.net and Michelle Mallon, MSW’s online support forum, in addition to Kristin Walker’s blog at everythingEHR.com The link to the article is: goodtherapy.org/blog/blindsided-recovering-narcissistic-abuse-relationship-0607134 Best wishes, and please feel free to contact me directly if you have further questions. Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Meka

      April 13th, 2015 at 3:37 PM

      I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months, and I believe he us a narcissist. He convinced me to let him move into my home, talked about marriage and kids.I started noticing that he would disappear and not tell me anything, if I complained I was too blame or he came up with a lie. I have been called names and talked down to if I stood up to him. He has packed up all his belongings and left, only to text me and I let him return. He then eventually turned back to his bad habit of disappearing. This last weekend was the worst. He disappeared Friday night after I had went out with friends, and didn’t return until the next day, no text or explanation. Saturday he had a hang over, and I wasn’t speaking to him at that point anyway. Sunday I had to work for a few hours and when I returned he was gone again, not a word from him. This morning I decided to break up with him, even though it was his birthday, I didn’t care I was fed up. He blamed me for him leaving because I didn’t celebrate his birthday, but his friend did, even though he wasn’t here all weekend, and Hus birthday wasn’t until today. He tried to make me feel guilty, but I stuck to what I said and how I felt. He told me he would be out of my house by the end of the month, another way to control the situation. Since then he is now currently giving me the silent treatment. I just needed to vent, because at times I feel as though I’m losing my mind.

    • Mary

      April 13th, 2015 at 6:06 PM

      Meka, you are so not losing your mind, you are hurting because of his behavior. Get out now, otherwise this circle of “you are to blame” and ” I am so sorry I hurt you” and on and on and on, will continue for years, if not forever. No one has enough life to waste on people that hurt you. Go change your life now and enjoy yourself! Of course you deserve better! Good luck!

    • uranium

      April 13th, 2015 at 7:00 PM

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      really fruitful for me, keep up posting such content.

    • Jen

      April 14th, 2015 at 3:38 AM

      I can’t believe I left my husband and best friend of 20 years for this man! I had no idea the torture I was to endure. I had an affair, moved myself and three children out of my marital home ( to do the right thing, he said) it ripped my family to pieces. Now don’t get me wrong I was clearly unhappy in my marriage, but I was also completely swept off my feet by this guy. The attention he gave me was more than Id had in my entire life. I was the most beautiful, caring, loving, sexiest girl in the world! Our sex life was amazing. The connection we had was like lightening for the first 7 months. He asked me to marry him every week at least. The funny part is he is married also still, while I’m in the middle of a divorce. He married a woman for money in exchange for citizenship. That should be a red flag right? Nope.. I could not believe I met my soul mate and could be so lucky! The sad part is Everyone in my life told me he was bad news. He also had a past with heroin. He told me he was clean and ” it never even crossed his mind” . He is on Methadone and drives 30 minutes daily to get his dose, which ~hey if that works for you who am I to judge. Well that changed over night as you may have guessed. He lied to me about a night he used in my bathroom and must had nodded off for a while, cause he was in there for an hour. He changed the story 3 times and only told me after 3 months of lying. I would eventually find 2 needles and question him and he lied to my face both times. Again after weeks of his lying about it he would text me the truth. But he ” needed me” in his life, I
      ” saved him” in the beginning. He recently said ” I won’t live a month without you” . He also blamed me when I would talk about leaving him cause I will not tolerate drugs in my life. How could I abandon him? He finally opened up and I’m tearing him apart he said. So months of lying to me and im expected to sweep it under the rug.. Oh and He was always getting a better job or Car . Literally he pretended to put a down payment on 1 car but talked about buying a 3 others for 6 months. No new car ever came about. The most recent truth I discovered is he has been searching for his ex during our entire relationship. Even though she
      ” lied,cheated and was fake” which I now realize was completely fabricated. I also now understand why she wanted to ” talk” with him a few times. Looking back it must be why he turned his phone off every night. He even slept with it sometimes! Well He must have found her because as of March our entire relationship has come to a hault. No cards, no going out on fun dates, no hanging out with my children, (he comes over when they are sleeping). Although as I said I also know he is using heroin again so I’m sure that’s not helping. I Am currently being ignored , I’m on day 3. He blew me off Friday, so I did the same on Sat and didn’t get a phone call or a text on Sunday or Monday. Just like that.. Gone. Like I meant nothing. I’m so thankful I now have this website to visit because otherwise I would have gone completely insane. I can’t tell many people about this as I’m deeply embarrassed and ashamed. He consumed every thought and minute of my day.. I’m so thankful I can breath again. I feel terrible I put my three beautiful little girls in his presence( they loved him) he charmed them too. Always buying them gifts and toys. Doing card tricks and talking about taking them places. What’s amazing is my 9 year old didn’t buy it, she never said it but I can read it on her face when she watches him speak. I can see her thoughts as he talks in his un educated thick accent. I’m so happy to have my daughters because they make me stronger everyday! I have to chose their destiny basically and show them this isint right. No one should be ignored and be littled and punished for feeling a certain way. He liked to say ” you must have something wrong with you” that’s his go to insult. Luckily I’m a strong woman with higher intelligence than him. I will pick myself up and move along. Life’s too short for this abuse. I wish everyone luck who is in a relationship with a narc. It can really suck you in without so much as a clue and before you know it, your whole world is upside down. Today is a new day and a new start to the rest of my life. May I be strong in my conviction and I know everyday I will get stronger and stronger. On my own.

    • tina

      April 14th, 2015 at 8:28 AM

      my narcissist after leaving the country without a goodbye, left me message after message about how wrong he was and please understand he was upset. I began texting him again and falling into the trap. Although he has been super nice he has asked me for another 400.00, due by today. I need that money but my soft side feels like i may give in. Whats wrong with me? I have given him so much money and who knows if he will disappear again. Its stressing me out. The money is needed by tomorrow. I know this man loves me without a doubt. He is always taking from me though and makes it like its what you do when you love someone. UGh Help

    • MK

      April 19th, 2015 at 10:06 AM

      I know Meka how you feel. I am on the verge of losing my mind myself. He has gone through a gazzillion problems, and goes on and on about how I don’t know how to care for him. I recently wrote a mail post a relaxed and warm moment in our relationship on his birthday to be specific….and he gave a very loving reply. Post that I was bold, and I wrote about my fears, and how my fears don’t allow me to be myself etc etc…..and how I have decided I am going to be this new person without fear and so on…..OMG the response I got was like acid dripping. Basically saying….”being yourself, does not lead to being caring” and that my hypothesis is bizarre….I was left slack jawed and frankly ready to slap him if I saw him. I deleted his phone number , and did not respond to his really insensitive mail…..but find myself having anxiety coz he has not texted…..being with a narc is like having a drug fix. Please please help me break the cycle,…..I can’t take it anymore. I love him but not when he is destroying me like this. What does one do? Coz I am weak and I keep going back for more of the same.

    • Anonymous

      April 24th, 2015 at 9:15 PM

      This article has shed some light on the fact that the silent treatment is indeed abuse. It most definitely feels like abuse and has only recently started to happen in the relationship of nearly 4 years. Right now I’m getting the silent treatment in addition to him having stepped over the only boundary aside from physical cheating that I have left; calling me a psycho B(fill in the blanks). He is convinced this was justifiable because I called him out for being cold about his recent rejections of my sexual advances. He said he needed sleep and didn’t feel like being miserable the next day because I keep him up too late. I know he values sleep and if he falls asleep on the couch I go to bed and do not bother him. It was just the way he coldly said it to me. I told him the way he said it hurt my feelings and that I noticed he’s been rejecting me more lately in the same way, (dismissive, cold). I told him it makes me feel less wanted because I will engage in his advances most of the time, because I think sex is an important intimate connection to maintain. I asked if there was a way we could find common ground on this issue so we could both win, (which I thought that is what I was doing because I had just put the kids to bed and it was a reasonable time of night and we were both sitting on the couch and wide awake with a movie on). He said what he said to me was the truth. That’s his line. I’m making something out of nothing. That’s another of his lines. By now he’s rolling his eyes while refusing to look at me and starts telling me to “let him sleep, that’s the ONE thing he asks of me.” He is clearly agitated and raising his voice. I told him please just speak kindly. It escalated from there with him going back to how I don’t let him sleep and threatening if I don’t leave him alone he’s going to flip. I saw what he was doing. He gets his way out of contribution by dismissing, eye rolling, yelling, threatening. I finally told him that I feel the way he deals with what should be a light discussion is controlling and I feel it is abusive. He countered that my not taking his command to leave the room and let him relax and go to sleep was abusive. The fiasco ended with him calling me the psycho B word as I was walking upstairs, which my daughter heard and was afraid of. This is the first time he ever called me a degrading name. This happened Monday. It’s Friday now and he hasn’t spoken to me, aside from when He tried to bless me when I sneezed on Wednesday and I said thank you, but very emotionless because I think that was his attempt and sneaking back in with no remorse. Tonight he is at a bar, celebrating the opening of the patio and they began serving the rum he makes. He looked at me for a split second today, which I tried to avoid. What he is doing tonight without me there to be by his side is probably another jab. But I will admit. It hurts. Am I crazy? Are all people that verbally or emotionally abuse narcissists? Am I abusive?

    • Anonymous in Ga

      April 28th, 2015 at 2:00 PM

      Hello Anonymous, I have never participated in something like this. But I read your words and could only think of how similar our lives are right now. I was married for almost 16 years to my first husband and in that marriage I was often abusive. I felt if I wasn’t heard or didn’t get my way I had the “right” to lash out at a really good and humble man. Yes he was passive most of the time but that gave me no right to be physically or emotionally abusive. We have 3 beautiful children who endured and witnessed my behavior. One day I realized I hated myself and my behavior and I began to develop new behaviors. Through a lot of research and self therapy I got better. But by that time it was too late. My ex had decided he wanted a life without me. I was devasted, because I had been getting better for almost 7 years at that point. And I felt our lives and marriage was so much better and stronger. Fast forward to 2 years after the divorce and separation I met someone new. He seemed to be just what my heart needed, someone to care about and not mistreat as I had my former husband. This man and I went through a lot of hard times. I knew he seemed to care more about his needs than mine but I felt he would not be this way if things in his life changed and I continued to love him through his difficult times. We talked marriage and finally we did last year. Although I had learned of some of his indiscretions I thought we could move past them. What I learned after we were married is that I still needed to feel and know I was loved and when I didn’t I allowed myself to boil over. I held in so much until I would eventually say hurtful things. At some point I learned to try to say only the things that hurt me and not degrade or belittle him. But the silent treatment and other forms of punishment from him grew increasingly worse after we moved into the same home. Whenever things became difficult he would threaten to leave and say we messed up by getting married. I begged to get counseling because I knew how much it had helped me. He refused and we would be ok just to return to no communication and the coldness towards each other. I felt as though I was protecting myself from him and maybe he was protecting himself from me. I don’t know, but what I do know is we have hurt each other and 7 children we blended into our “madness”. He has left me again after something that seemed to be so innocent. My heart is broken but I know that he cannot see,none the less admit to being abusive. To answer your question it is possible to be abusive and not be a narcissist. It is also possible to be emotionally abusive in response to abuse. I began as an emotionally abusive partner and saw my behavior change my first husband. To becoming a responder in an emotionally abusive relationship. Despite the role one plays, both are dangerous and has to stop on both sides. Please don’t misunderstand, there are some who do not respond to abuse with abuse but are true victims. But at some point both partners have to become determined to stop the abuse cycle and not carry it into another relationship.

    • chiquita says

      April 25th, 2015 at 2:19 AM

      My heart goes out 2 u guys. Im getting out of a relationship w/this lying, cheating sorry excuse 4 a married 1/2 a man. Much heartache, after a year plus, i realize i was losing my identity & enabling him 2 continue his game.yes, they tell u what u want 2 hear, they LIE W/NO REMORSE.

    • chiquita says

      April 25th, 2015 at 2:25 AM

      Narcissists have no morals, no empathy. They really see NO imperfection in themselves. This jerk expected me 2 buy him a truck. I admit i spoiled him 4 awhile but after i realized how he really is, i stopped. Hes given me the silent treatment for 2 wks. Now, no calls, b cuz i made him angry. Oh well, it hurts, i really that i was gonna have a breakdown but realized… i give him control when his actions upset me. THIS IS ENUF.

    • Andrea Schneider

      April 25th, 2015 at 10:37 AM

      Anonymous– (and all who have commented)…it sounds like you are the victim of gaslighting whereby you are experiencing cognitive dissonance and wondering what is your reality and what isn’t…this is the result of the insidious nature of emotional abuse by a person with extreme narcissism. I have also written other articles about this on the goodtherapy.org blog under my profile. In addition, I had the honor of being interviewed with experts Christine Louis de Cannonville (who just published her first book on the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery), Michelle Mallon, MSW, and Kristin Walker at Kristin’s website everythingEHR.com — our interview will be posted next week…please download and listen to it…we address this question…My kindest regards and healing wishes, Andrea Schneider, MSW

    • LAS

      May 16th, 2015 at 11:29 AM

      Gaslighting indeed! What a nightmare. I had NEVER heard of it and I have a PsyD.

    • carrie

      May 4th, 2015 at 6:50 AM

      All I can say is I hope and pray to God I never meet another person like this ever ever again. These people suck all the life out of you and leave you beating yourself up over and over again well forget that B.S. Seriously.

    • StayedTooLong

      May 5th, 2015 at 11:53 AM

      I’m only about halfway through the comments but see that this is still an active thread, and felt compelled to add my voice. Please, those of you who are early in, RUN. Nothing will change (except to get worse), there is no help you can give, nothing you can change about yourself that will make it work. You will just be adding anger at yourself for staying to all of the anger and resentment you’ll be building up for your tormentor.

      Finally left after almost 25 years of marriage. A shadow of my former self. Thought staying for the children was the right thing to do. So wrong. My beautiful, brilliant teens are cynical and misanthropic and, I’m afraid, hopeless. I raised two chronically ill kids, kept a beautiful home and cooked wonderful meals, worked part-time, endured silent treatments, hare-brained ideas, you name it. None of it was enough. Now, he will stop at nothing to punish me for leaving: theft, tax fraud, litigation. Has no problem cutting off contact with our daughter, who was the apple of his eye and no problem suddenly warming up to our son, who he previously always felt threatened by.

      Not sure I “get” the people who feel a hole. His absence, for me, is the only hopeful part of this whole thing. Yes, I did love him (the idealized “him”), but I just woke up one day (his screaming before the final silent treatment might have had something to do with it) and said “I’m done”.

    • Susie

      May 16th, 2015 at 10:04 AM

      Totally agree: GET OUT AS EARLY AS YOU CAN, once u’ve realised that what u’re going through is abuse.

    • Kristen

      May 7th, 2015 at 8:09 PM

      My heart is so broken and I have never felt so insignificant in my entire life. I just spent all of this money that I really didn’t even have to spend to try to make his birthday perfect. He accepted everything. We went to dinner and I paid. It was nice but very expensive. I thought it was worth it. That night, he was showing me a picture his phone and when he went to minimize out of it, I saw naked pictures of girls or a girl…I could never really tell, because I just got a glimpse. I asked him about them and I was upset…I totally went out of my way to try to make him feel so special for his birthday and here I felt so insignificant like I wasn’t enough to keep him happy. He said girls just sent them to him on his birthday after he liked there happy birthday posts on his Facebook. Why girlSSSS, though? I don’t know about anyone else, but I just don’t randomly send naked pictures of myself to a guy. I feel like he must have asked for them. Why would they feel the need to do that? He said they were married girls and that they weren’t happy with their husbands and like everyone who has ruined their relationships with him, they wish they would’ve realized what they had. He said he won’t delete them in case he ever needs them if the girl tries to blame him. I don’t think a girl is going to bring up a guy she sent naked pictures to unless she wants to really piss her husband off. I asked why he needed to download them to his phone though since they are in th Facebook message. I got no good response. The next day in the fight we got in again about them he said that he appreciates the female body and I shouldn’t have an issue with this and he won’t delete the picture. He acted like I was being completely irrational.

      I couldn’t sleep for a few nights after that because I wasn’t okay with or ho he kind of convinced me somehow to act like I was. I wanted to talk to him about it but he kept blowing me off and avoiding it. I think he knew it was what I wanted to do.

      His parents were in town but when he kept blowing me off, it made me think even worse things cause my mind was playing tricks on me. I called him one morning and I was very emotional. He said he was done with me and I begged him to reconsider. I didn’t expect it at all. He kept hanging up and wouldn’t listen to me at all. I said I was going to come back to talk to him about it (we work in the same place) and he said if I did that he would call security on me. Why??? I would never harm him and he knows this. All I wanted was to understand or talk about this.

      He said he would consider us staying together but he is very busy and has a lot to think about. He wouldn’t tell me when he would ever let me know…in a few days, next week, a month…when??? He never told me and has since been silent. I don’t understand. It wasn’t my fault he saved those pictures. It wasn’t even my fault that I saw them and it hurt my feelings.

      He turned everything around on me and said he doesn’t do expectations and I keep trying to do that. He said that I keep trying to change him. I wasn’t. I wanted to communicate with him how it hurt me and see if we could come to some sort of resolution to work it out. I don’t even know why I want to. I have been through this with him for years. Off and on. Loves me, hates me. Constant communication, none at all.

      I don’t know what is wrong with me and why I can’t be strong. I feel like I’m dieing inside and like I can’t breathe. I just want to be back to how I was six months ago before we started this again. This time he went further than ever before. He said he loved me. He would never say that before. Now he says he loves me but really dislikes my behavior. I really believed it was different and still wish it was.

      I don’t understand this or myself. I’m so lost. I can’t wait to get through this. The pain physically hurts me.

    • carrie

      May 8th, 2015 at 9:30 AM

      I feel for you. Its really really difficult to just pick up those pieces and move on. I get it . sounds like we just get to a certain point where it feels like we don’t even know this person at all with whom we have opened up our lives, minds, and hearts. It’s even worse, for myself anyway to get actual proof beyond any reasonable doubt that what my gut has been screaming all this time I’ve wasted has been so totally right on. Kinda is making me get stuck on anger too much perhaps, and I’m still praying for wisdom and for any insight I may be missing.

    • Jessica

      May 16th, 2015 at 9:26 AM

      Sounds very much like my ex. Then stalking behaviour would start whenever I began to get on with my own life. You can move forward from this. One day you will meet someone who treats you with the respect you deserve, and you will appreciate him all the more because of the cycles you got into with this chap. And if you never meet someone else, being alone and being ok with it is surely much, much better than having this crap in your life. The way he treats you isn’t love, but the high of getting his “love”/ approval sounds addictive. Calmness and routine now win it for me, any day. Look after yourself.

    • ger

      May 8th, 2015 at 3:15 AM

      Brilliant article . I realise now that it describes my situation and me perfectly. My sex addict husband has done this to me for 10 years and I have eventually garnered the strenght to tell him to go . Im distraught of course but am slowly beginning to realise that things can only get better . I have 2 young childern and think this is what made me tolerate this abuse for so long . I have to rebuild my life now. but I have been damaged and need help . I have a counsellor and some great friends. If good can triumph then i will survive this . I wish the same for all those suffering as I do .

    • Ann

      May 16th, 2015 at 9:09 AM

      I have used the silent treatment when I am done with talking to a partner who won’t listen to my feelings on an important matter in our relationship. When I am ready for a relationship to end, I no longer want to talk to the person. It just seems pointless. I don’t use the silent treatment with a partner who I love and who I want in my life. Parents use the silent treatment with a child who has behaved badly. Is this abuse too?

    • KB

      May 16th, 2015 at 1:58 PM

      Yes it is. A parent should never use the silent treatment on a child. The damage is immense. I hope that if you’re doing this you will seek parenting support to find more positive ways of dealing with difficulties

    • Fernando

      May 16th, 2015 at 2:41 PM

      …when ‘I’ am done …. won’t listen to ‘my’ feelings …. When ‘I’ am ready … ‘I’ no longer want … who ‘I’ love, who ‘I’ want in my life …
      Ann, I would kindly, and gently ask to really look at your words that are being used in the context of resolving ‘relationship’ issues and conflicts. We have to be honest with ourselves and ask if we truly know what love is or are we labeling what makes us comfortable as love. We should all recognize the narcissist that lives within our ‘own’ hearts first.
      Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4-7‬ NLT)

    • care e

      May 17th, 2015 at 8:16 PM

      Thank you Fernando.
      She kinda has a point though. A former friend and I just can’t get along. She always thinks I think she’s lying, gets mad and asks why I dont fully trust her , itst true.
      I confess I am not the nicest person in the world. I get bitchy and irritable and take that out on others but I don’t want to be like that anymore.
      The reason my friend won’t talk to me is because she feels there is no point. To give a bit of history real quick when she and I first met she shared somewhat of a romantic interest. We went out we texted all the time. Well she failed to mention she was in a romantic relationship with an older man whom she writes lyrics for his music. He is married but moved in a house we with her (my former friend) and I finally asked the right question since every question up until then gave her an opportunity to tell me.
      Had she said she was in a relationship and not kept on flirting with me , when she wanted something from me I wouldn’t be so angry and
      Feeling so used by her. I don’t like people that operate that way. She does it to other guys and that’s fine she’s entitled to do and act however she pleases I just can’t get past her doing me that way. Plus I know now a few things she totally lied to my face about which only goes to show my gut has been right on all along . which is a blessing and a curse. Our last and final fight was because I had a couple questions I needed answers to. She didn’t want to give them . ironic since she often goes overboard trying to prove she’s telling me the truth but its always at times wheni I didn’t even think she was lying. So I called her out on her sh*t, she said she doesn’t negotiate with terrorists and I said I don’t negotiate with narcissistic sociopaths , she called me an In f ing sane c*** and that was the end of that.

    • Narsisst victim

      May 16th, 2015 at 11:04 AM

      Hi

      That was a great article. I have now figured that my soulmate and love of my life is abusive person. It has come to me as shock. Before i met her i was a single dad and she said that she will be a perfect mother and girlfriend to me. Everything was great for a while then she turned totally into a monster. Today is silent treatment day. She has not talked to me for 2 days. Not one word. She started , becouse i forgot to buy something from the shop. Also she throw away all presents i ever gave her before she lock her self in a room. Also she is calling me names in front of my sons and trying to make me the idiot of this family. Sometimes she even makes jokes about our personal things in front of family and friends. I have a working business and i am really good at sports. Everything is working for me and i am stable. I dont know what to do, becouse i love her . Maybe i can never fix this situation and should just quit trying, she blocked me on facebook and all social media and wrote to all friends in common that i am a controll freak and i should not be spoken to ever. Also i noticed that recently she has contacted her ex many times. I would like some advice on what to do. Feeling alone in my own family.

    • Rachel

      May 16th, 2015 at 1:55 PM

      You need to end things with her. You may love her, but no one who loves you would do the things you described. My ex was a narcissist, but I didn’t see it. He didn’t speak to me for days at a time. I worked so hard to keep us together, but I didn’t realize I was the only who made compromises. Our relationship ended when he abandoned me with two children. He lives 1,000 miles away. Two and a half years later I am happier than I’ve ever been and he’s manipulating someone new.

    • pauls

      May 21st, 2015 at 5:58 PM

      Do you know if your ex shows signs of this behavior to the new woman? Was wondering if this behavior eventually comes out in every romantic relationship? Or does the narcissist single individuals out?

    • Mary

      May 17th, 2015 at 4:12 PM

      I am so sorry to read about your suffering. Read what you yorself wrote: you have two sons, you have a business, you are doing well . Do not ruin it for your sons and, and, and for yourself! You owe her nothing. Be brave and take advantage of her silent treatment and cut all ties.
      Why do you torture yourself? Let go and live your own happy life. Of course you will find your soul mate who will be a wonderful mom to your sons and make your family complete. The best of luck to you!

    • jenny

      June 14th, 2015 at 8:33 AM

      Omg what are you waiting for? She’s an immature you know what not to mention the obvious that she’s also a cheat how horrible when we love such people and can’t seem to have the strength needed to boogie . Find your strength and leave her you’ll find a mature woman that will make you happy and don’t tell your new lady bout the monster you had before her

    • Maria

      May 16th, 2015 at 12:19 PM

      Great explanation. Always thought my dad was narcissistic. We fell out, because I told him how he and his partner had upset me a number of times. He told me that they never meant to upset me, and because I had upset them by pointing out their unreasonable behaviour, I needed to apologise, otherwise he’d not speak to him again. We don’t speak now as I’ve refused to take all the blame. I’ve realised how abusive his silence is and want no more abuse. He’s used the silence treatment on his mum, dad, sister, friends. He’s very manipulative and childish.

    • Healed Therapist

      May 16th, 2015 at 12:59 PM

      Good Afternoon,

      I always enjoy reading articles such as this! I am a LPC and I was conned by a Narcassist early on in my journey to become a Therapist. I had no clue. He was so charming and loving. He was “so in love” with me. Or so I thought. I ended up getting pregnant by him and everything changed. He was so excited the day I told him. The day after he told me he’d been cheating on me. I was done. But i couldn’t get rid of him…..we had a child coming. He started to show his true colors. He wanted me to marry him. And not because he loved me,but because of an image. I was so lost, hurt, and damaged my entire pregnancy. He would go from cold, to “love bombing”, to future focused, and then back to crazy cold. I refused to marry him. But my hormones were all over. So I dealt with him. He never went to a dr. appt. But he was there for the birth. He showed a more human side. And I fell for it. Well at least for my child I did. We moved together and the emotional abuse started. He cheated on me, told me he never loved me, took evert ounce I had of self esteem just 3 months postpartum. I kicked him out. Tried to work out a parenting plan. Gave him our son for every Holiday.And he was allowed to visit whenever. But because I didn’t oblige his “love bombing”. He took me to court. Of course he looked like the fool ans spent pointless money. Cause in signed the parenting plan with no issue. After that, the love bombing continued.And I would convince myself it was easier to deal than to not. so we were off and on for years. A lot of abuse, tears, cheating, and using. I finally got the strength to leave for good. He lied to his family and he tries to paint this false picture of me to others. I’ve learned to Not care. His family knows he has a Personality Disorder and everyone knows he’s a pathetic liar. He is currently giving me the silent treatment And I love it. Cause even though he is in a relationship, the love bombing still happens. And when I reject him. He gets angry. So now He won’t communicate about our child. And doesn’t pay child support on time. He’s over a year behind.It’s a continuous journey. I’ve studied and become a Narcassist expert in my field, as result of this. With several years of experience dealing directly with a Narcassist, my practice has greatly helped victims move forward, just like I did.

      So don’t be fooled and don’t convince yourself otherwise. They will not change. If you’re stuck dealing with a narcassist. Remember to never respond with emotion, Document everything, and embrace the silent treatment And give it no power over you. Use that time to really work on you and strengthening yourself to move on. I always tell my clients to write out incidents that have occured,so when the “love bombing” stage starts over, you can re-read it and not look back. Nothing has changed with them and it’s a forever cycle for as long as you let them in!!!! Hope this helped!

      Signed,
      Healed Therapist that helps to heal and empower others

    • Susie G

      May 16th, 2015 at 4:13 PM

      Hi!
      I have been reading your articles for a year now. They have all helped me so much. My mom and first husband of 33 years fit all the descriptions of narcissism to a tee. I know that they loved me as much as they were capable of, but both were impossible to please, verbally abusive and used this danged silent treatment. I could take everything but that, I just crumpled. It worked like a charm, because I would confess to anything, do anything, just to have what was the only normal I knew. Just say the least, my codependent behavior just enabled their behavior. I am struggling with recovery as a sixty year old woman. Is it too late to have a normal life? Thank you for this FB page.

    • Bestocome

      May 17th, 2015 at 10:51 AM

      No. Seriously check into Alanon. Amazing transformation for me at 61.

    • Paula S

      May 16th, 2015 at 8:24 PM

      does this behavior come out in all romantic relationships?

    • Delphine

      May 16th, 2015 at 9:36 PM

      This is completely exaggerated and insulting. All people have elements of various “mental disorders” within them. I suffer from post-traumatic stress due to childhood abuse and abuse by several people that I have dated, as well as some unforgivably terrible things that classmates did to me in high school. I used to buy into the whole “narcissism” thing to describe the people that had hurt me, but I quickly learned that it was immediately thrown right back at me by other people when I chose to do things to protect myself, like not speak to my ex-boyfriends (the “silent treatment” as this article calls it), or when I turned to self-improvement to try to better my situation in life. These articles I have been reading about “narcissicism” could really be applied to anybody in their own way. If we dislike someone else, or ourselves, we find a way to categorize them and find an excuse to deal with our own pain. The truth is, nobody is without a soul, and mistreatment of people in general comes as a result of fear, insecurity, or some other kind of pain. I have been accused of being “narcissistic” and of being “overly empathic”. In all of the people that I have encountered, and some of them fit this stereotype, I have never met a true “narcissist”. Just people in terrible pain who chose to alleviate it in sadistic way. Calling them as “emotionally intelligent as a 5-year old” is not only insulting to them as human beings, but also in the sense that sometimes, the most troubled people that we think feel no empathy were once so empathic themselves that someone or something hurt them repeatedly until they became completely desensitized to other’s pain in a way to pacify their own tortured minds. When it becomes a matter of “us and them” it is no longer about your own healing, but about elongating your own suffering.

    • april

      May 24th, 2015 at 2:38 AM

      Its tru they act like little kids mimicing u or over talking you or plain ignoring u

    • Andrea Schneider

      May 18th, 2015 at 7:58 PM

      wow–thanks to all who are commenting…the fact there are almost 300 comments tells me that so many have been impacted by the behavior of an extremely narcissistic individual….Delphine, to respond to your comment, please see my prior comments #24, 46, and 55….
      best wishes in healing to all, Andrea

    • leanna l

      May 20th, 2015 at 3:31 PM

      My man dose this sometimes when I’ve upset him or something has and he don’t want to talk about it almost all day he won’t talk no expression maby at the kids or tv show radio etc eventually talks but it comes out like a bomb shell. I ask him did I do something wrong are you ok but no is all I get

    • Ryan

      May 25th, 2015 at 8:10 AM

      This is a great website and very helpful. Just getting out the relationship with this Narcissist woman. I loved and cared so much for her. Often times I put her needs above mine. She was so sweet in the Idealization phase and then came the devaluation and the disccarding. she tested me about 3 months ago with the silent treatment for a week. Then things were OK for about 3 months. But about 2 weeks ago started the silent treatment again. Its been very hard on me. I sent her so many texts, phone calls and emails and no response. It is like I am dead to her. I guess it is a punishment she is giving me, But why would she punish me for loving her and caring so much for her. No Contact is the only way out for me, started it last week but failed after 2 days, but now started it again, on the 5th day.

    • Christie

      May 26th, 2015 at 12:15 AM

      I feel your pain. The man Ive loved for the last 2 years is a professional at the silent treatment. His usually last 2 or 3 days and typically are hard to handle but he’d always be happy and acted as if nothing happened afterwards. Silent treatment is his way of not having to fix a probkem or make a change he doesn’t want to make. By the time he starts talking to me again I’m so distraught that I don’t make him talk or do whatever it was he didn’t want to do. So he wins everytime while my self-worth and my heart get hurts beyond repair.
      You should be very proud of yourself for enduring the pain of not trying to contact her. It’s so flipping hard. The control they gain by utilizing the silent treatment does an alarmingly amount of emotional damage. It slowly breaks a persons self worth to shreds and makes them believe they are unworthy of ones love. Be proud and know that you will one day find someone that cherishes you and would never ever make you endure that kind of pain. Good luck and stay strong.

    • Christie

      May 28th, 2015 at 10:42 PM

      Ryan I’m sorry I meant to ask you how are things going? I hope good, I know how very hard a broken heart is on a person and basically their whole life is affected. I hope your finding peace and closure.

    • Ryan

      May 31st, 2015 at 6:19 PM

      Christie, I really feel for you. To love a man that is causing so much pain to you. Remember if he really loves you he wouldn’t be causing you pain and suffering. You and me are in such a similar situation trying to love cold hearted people. Well I am on day 11 of my No Contact. It is not easy. There are times I feel like calling her but I know it is not going to help me and will be back to square one with more pain and misery. Not sure if this forum will let us exchange emails. I can really use a friend now.

    • Sarah

      May 28th, 2015 at 10:54 PM

      Go Ryan, hang in there, keep reading. Try a website called ‘out of the fog’; also info on attachment styles in adults.

    • Ryan

      May 31st, 2015 at 6:21 PM

      Sarah, thanks for the information. Appreciate it.

    • MelbourneMan

      May 30th, 2015 at 11:28 PM

      Ryan,

      I know how you are feeling. I too went through a similar experience. The N is so astute in the idealisation phase; I suspect their skill has been crafted over many years dealing with many different victims. They mimic and mirror you; you can’t believe how right they are for you.

      But when they bore, which doesn’t take long, your days are numbered.

      My N came back many times over an 18 month period, alway presenting as a victim. Each return was brief and entirely self centred, but always tainted with a little idealisation to keep me hooked.

      It was only after she dumped me without explanation that I realised what I had been dealing with – a female narcissist. When I read the traits of such people, I had that eureka moment.

      It’s been helpful learning more about these types and myself for that matter. But I have to admit getting over Her has been hard. It’s so hard to believe that that idealisation phase was fake – it felt so wonderful. Jealousy is another emotion. Notwithstanding that I know she has had multiple short term intense relationships over the last 18 months, I still feel jealous on bad days.

      Rational me knows I dodged a bullet, but staying in the rational space is not always easy.

      Ryan, remember this – you are better off without someone who treats you so poorly. They are not worthy of you.

    • Ryan

      May 27th, 2015 at 12:30 PM

      Thank you for your kind words of support. it is sad to hear what you are going through. I hope you will be able to get out of that relationship and heal and find a genuine loving and caring relationship.
      Well no contact is working great for me and I feel so relived.

    • Christie

      May 28th, 2015 at 10:34 PM

      Thanks Ryan, I’m not quite as strong as you are at this point but I’m on my way. I did see him recently and unfortunately I broke down and showed my weakness by sobbing but the last two days I’ve felt much stronger. His hold on me has weakened immensely due to his unforgivable coldness when I was at my lowest ever and begged him to please tell me what I’d done or to have some mercy and let me go. He held strong and just stared at me. My heart will never quite feel the same for him. How could he watch me suffer for weeks and still say he really loved me? He can’t. I know that right now but when my heart cries it doesn’t care what he is or isn’t it just wants him back so the pain will stop. So now I’m working on getting my mind and my heart in sync and moving on even though I still love him. I’m slowly realizing I’ll never really be happy until he’s no longer in my heart or life.

    • Sandy

      May 28th, 2015 at 7:00 AM

      How I wish I’d known the silent treatment was an actual form of abuse! It was the first strong sign that I was dealing with something very painful I’d never known before, but I honestly thought it was just a weird way he had of handling conflict. Wow-did I learn an excruciating 8yr lesson by missing this very big first clue…

    • Ryan

      May 31st, 2015 at 7:10 PM

      MelbourneMan, Thanks for your kind words of support. I appreciate it. Yes, only in the devaluation and discard phases did I realize who she really was. All the sweetness in the beginning was such a fake. To the N’s we are just objects or their supplies. And they get pleasure in seeing us suffer and get empowered. It took a lot of strength in me to to get away from her and start the No Contact. Take Care

    • Kyle

      June 8th, 2015 at 5:37 AM

      I too believe I was in a relationship with an N. When she gave the silent treatment nothing I said could stop her from doing it. It was very painful. She is extremely selfish where the whole relationship revolved around her wants and needs. Her eyes were at times black, almost evil. I have recently started NC. Some days I wish I could have her back but I know she has likely moved on to a fresh supply because I refused to give in to her demands! Never met a woman like her and hope to never again!

    • carrie

      May 31st, 2015 at 11:22 PM

      This was my first and hopefully last relationship/friendship with a N. Funny her name also starts with an N. I will run for the hills next time I come across anyone like her. I’m seriously considering hypnosis to forget she ever existed in my life. Anyone know if this could work?

    • Ryan

      June 1st, 2015 at 9:43 AM

      Carrie, I was in a similar relationship (see my earlier posts). I am in NC day 12. I am also considering hypnosis. There are some videos on youtube that you can try. Take care.

    • Corrie

      June 15th, 2015 at 1:45 AM

      Thanks Ryan. I’m thinking I may hold off on that I’m case anyone needs help getting through this storm with a N or any other disorder. As much as I’d love to to just forget about this nightmare, it just wouldn’t feel right to just flip a switch.

    • merzi

      June 7th, 2015 at 1:18 AM

      I need an answer on whether the person I have spoken to in a year is a narcissist.it all started when we wrote messages to each other and he called to me and we talked about the messages and then he said that he would call back later so we could talk about it but he did not call, and the following days he answered so cold he did not call and wrote to me, I wrote what was wrong so he wrote that it was because he was annoyed at me over our repeated misunderstanding of our messages, and I tried to write to him about it because now I thought yes, finally the chance that we can talk about it, but then I tried to write good things to him that we would do well etc.
      but then suddenly he answered me not and that went a whole week on the way. so the last day of the week, I wrote that I hoped he felt good but I want to finish it here. I simply could not handle it. I was so upset that he treated me like that and just ignore me for so long. is this normal to do?
      I thought he might not contacted me because he didn’t wanted it anymore,
      then I asked him what he thought about to finish it? so he wrote that it ended there when I wrote it was over. then I felt myself very guilty that I finished it and I felt I made it worse. so I tried would to do it well where I explained in the message that I ended it because I assumed it was over because you never answered me in a week but then he didn’t answered me back… i was totally frustrated and devastated..
      so we contacted again and he wrote he wanted two weeks to think about whether he wanted it to continue .. for me two weeks does not make sense! but I made a mistake I wrote it was fine and he should just contact me. wish I had stopped it there .. the worst is, it passed more than two weeks a total of three weeks and it was not him who wrote first but I wrote to him if there was a reason we pulled more time out? so I finally got the message – he did not want to be with me because we have many misconceptions and he thought it could hurt a lot in the future … I answered him never back, but then after there went two weeks, he wrote a message to me that he wanted me to help him tell his future wife one as he was to marry, that we were no longer together because she has seen our old messages and suspected him to that we still talked together. this was insane! He has already found one he wanted to marry after two weeks? There are so many things I regret and feel I so stupid …

      and is it normal to ignore a person like that?

    • Frankie

      June 14th, 2015 at 3:02 PM

      I haven’t been on here for a while, I am glad to say that I am moving on from the hurt I experienced from a narcissistic woman. It was only a short relationship but long enough for me to fall in love and revolve my life around her on the basis that we would be together forever and my needs would be met too. However, after several instances of silent treatment over minor things, I challenged her, she blocked me and we were suddenly separated. I have heard nothing now for six months. You can imagine my relief when two people who were mutual friends (but mainly her friends) contacted me to say that they have now fallen out with her and they now see her for what she is. One of these guys had unfriended me but we are friends again now, he was so apologetic! It is a lonely place to be when you are the only person who has seen the dark side of the narcissist and others think they are charming and wonderful, but the cracks do start to show sooner or later. It is still baffling to me that I fell in love with an illusion, it seemed so real and wonderful at the time but I am getting on with my life now. Time does heal and I wish you all well.

    • Corrie

      June 15th, 2015 at 1:32 AM

      Frankie ,
      Thank you for sharing. Glad to hear you are okay and time has healed. Argh I hate this whole thing. I thought this shit only happened in movies starring jack Nicholson or other crazy films. I’ve always said when asked what movies scare me and am I afraid to watch, that my answer is none and that nothing scares me more than real life. True still but I never imagined I’d ever feel like I’m stuck in both. This bad horror movie that is actually reality is the last role I ever play in. I didn’t even audition for it. In sure there’s got to be a good reason for it though and one day we can be thankful for becoming free from it. Feels like war. I hate war .

    • Angelica

      June 15th, 2015 at 6:18 PM

      I love my N. I don’t even mind the war sometimes. I wish there was more positive intensity, but I enjoy some of our games. We sort of look out for each other however his true narcissistic tendency to never do the right thing just because someone asked him to, has killed the joy. He is a major joykill and at any given moment in all his enormous amounts of free time, he could have chosen to return the love in a normal human being fashion. Saying this again like a broken record makes me feel he is retarded or something because he takes any other suggestions to help him in his quest for greatness. I wanted to let him know I appreciate the love he was able to show. I’d wish him the best, but I do not. I wish him nothing, so his life can continue the way it was before this Angel stopped by.

    • merzi

      June 18th, 2015 at 4:51 AM

      I don’t get it… is it normal to use silent treatment in a whole week.. ??
      how can people do things like that like you don’t exist

    • Ryan

      June 18th, 2015 at 9:06 AM

      Merzi,
      I got 2 silent treatments lasting over a week from my ex N. They were terrible. This is the woman I loved with all my heart and soul. After the second silent treatment I decided to end the relationship and move on. I still think about her but am so relived.

    • Merzi

      June 21st, 2015 at 1:41 PM

      I really dont know how a person can heal after being used like that…

      Silent treatment is really something that can change your self worth!

      What are your advice?

    • Mary

      June 18th, 2015 at 2:15 PM

      Dear Merzi,
      Sorry to say, but yes, it is possible. Take it from me that I have been married to a N, now for 36 years. Silent treatments can vary from hours, to days, to weeks, to months. My last one started Dec 29, 2014 and ended May 10 2015. Why am I still with this person? I really don’t have an answer for that but part of it is in the fact that since 15 years ago, we mostly live in two different countries and we are with each other only a few months a year.
      It is incredible the mood swings of my N! Now there is sun shining, and in another split second, there are thunderstroms, lightning, and cold, very cold showers.
      There was a time when I tried to get an explanation about my N’s behavior, but it was totally useless. My N, either “didn’t remember” quite well what happened, or minimized it to nothing. But all the time “it was my fault”. My N truly thinks he is always right, and I am the one to ruin his life. Go figure!

    • Theresa

      June 20th, 2015 at 12:40 PM

      wow I am learning so much I’m in a silent treatment again from my husband I did not realize that this is a medical condition, much of that I’m reading sounds exactly what I’ve been going through I thought I was going nuts wow thank you for the info.

    • Angelica

      June 20th, 2015 at 5:30 PM

      I love my N. still, I love my N. yet; when I choose to engage with him I have to assume the worst. Thank God one of us is real or this whole thing would never work.

    • Merzi

      June 27th, 2015 at 9:32 AM

      Dear Mary,

      Thank you for your post…
      I hope the Best for you…
      The worst thing to do is just letting the N damage you totally… Because if you give it more time to letting yourself be in there it would only damage you more and more..

      Today Im Trying to move on, and I wish I never met the N. I remember myself before I met the N to be a really happy person who had so much passion for life… For my study, gym etc.
      Im so happy for that he is out of my life the Best thing that has happened to me instead of always being anxious, be the only one WHO gives and wants to Solve problems/ conflicts.
      Its not normal that somebody who wants a future with you can ignore you after soo Long time, where is the Care? The respect? The emotionel Bond?

    • Merzi

      June 21st, 2015 at 1:42 PM

      Is it only me he did this to? Or is it something he Will do to his new target?

    • Maggie

      June 22nd, 2015 at 3:28 PM

      Merzi, I do. I had forgotten how dumb my Nark is. If he loved me back instead of always kicking back and watching the horrors of his violent, rageful outburts, if he saw what we, his roommates saw, he would check into the mental ward.

      Lisas blog lisaescott.com/narcspeak says it ALL. There is nothing left to say. Might as well close up this thread as the narcissist many of us speak about has used it to gaslight and further his agenda. Good therapy/Narcissist is meant for survivors, not a Narc tool.
      Here are some that speak to me:

      NARCISSISM SPEAK – NARCSPEAK

      Narcissists are not normal. They don’t think like we do they speak out almost ALWAYS to provoke us to respond in a manner they can then use against us.

      They use NLP = Neuro Linguistic Programming – used in seduction/mind control.

      wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming#Techniques

      cultcontrol.com/?hop=20754

      coverthypnosisguide.com/nlp-mind-control.php

      Narcissistic comments, translated. NARC SPEAK

      First comment is THE NARCISSIST SPEAKING
      Second comment is the TRANSLATION
      ~~~~~

      Q: What is with the flannel pajamas?

      Wheres the black lace I told you to go out and buy for yourself?

      I am only turned on by w*****, strippers, prostitutes and porn. I have a raging Madonna/W**** Complex. Because you are good and sweet to me, you have become sexless in my eyes.

      Q: What do you like about me?

      Come on… give me some supply here… I’m fresh out and my ego would like a hit!

      Q: If you really love me, you would understand me.

      You need to anticipate my needs better! I equate getting EXACTLY WHAT I WANT with someone’s love. Love is a THING to me…a means to an end…not an emotion. I have no emotions.

      Q:I feel a sort of twinship and kinship with you.

      You’re a great target. I’m lining you up as my next victim. Wonder if you’ll fall for the ‘you’re my soulmate’ line?

      NARC: We are not together.
      (very next sentence): I love you

      Confused? Good… because if I keep you confused and off-base you will be very easy to brainwash and control.

      I have no interest in doing anything with you and haven’t for a long time. I’m not attracted to you either. I don’t want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you either. I know that’s wrong, but that’s just the way I feel.

      I don’t feel anything but I have some new targets going and need to keep you off balance because I’m not quite done with you yet. By the way I can’t feel a thing… just toying with your mind. I have deep rage and disrespect for all women. They were all put on this earth to service me! Kneel and worship ME ME ME! Hand me the whip

      Q: Easter is a time for forgiving

      I hope you forgive me so I can continue hurting you over and over.

      Q: I don’t love you yet, just give me time.

      I can’t love anyone… give me time to degrade and use you. We will never be able to be together. Now that I have you brainwashed and totally in love with me I’m going to grind you down and hurt you so badly you’ll never be able to get up again.

      Q:You know the answer!

      I don’t know what to say to brainwash you more, so I’ll let you twist and fill in the blanks for awhile.

      Q: She could stop harassing/ stalking/ bothering me. She just chooses not to.

      This is what I tell everyone to make her look like a whack-job and then feel sorry for me. Actually I am harassing her relentlessly, she’s just trying to defend herself… and I’m going to tell as many people as will believe me!! I love being evil and hurting good people.

      Q:Why would you stay with someone who abuses you, you come back for more, why?

      It’s all YOUR FAULT I’m abusing you. LOL!! go me! (rawr)

      Q: We are most INTIMATE ONLINE/on the phone than we ever could be in person.

      I actually like being intimate online more than in person cause its easier to fool you into believing I have feelings of intimacy just listening to my voice, its just easier for me to pretend everything over the phone rather than in person, that way you can’t see me rolling my eyes, watching porn on my computer while calling you a dumb b**** under my breath. Besides, I prefer hookers.

      Q: I see something in you…

      …I can exploit, use and abuse for my own needs… so bend over baby ’cause here it comes.

      Q: You were abusive to me.

      (PROJECTION) I was abusive to you and I didn’t like you calling me on it. I should be able to crap on anyone I want, anytime I want, with no consequences.

      Q: You were no fun. Where did the sweet, fun girl I married go?

      I am a destructive sociopath and I got bored… and I get off on hurting people and seeing their reactions – I was screwing around on you for such a long time and D*** you caught me. For catching me – YOU WILL PAY!

      Q: I don’t think you and I talking would do either of us any good.

      Since you have me figured out and won’t buy any more of my b.s. I can’t face you. You scare me and you might just reveal more of the sick predator I am.

      Q: Honey, I came back to the office just to see you.

      Actually I came back for something else but its a perfect opportunity to rope you in again!

      Q: I told you to stay away from me, I used to be a good person, but now I just play off other people’s insecurities. I can read anyone and tell you what they’re thinking.

      This is a BLATANT ADMISSION THAT HE’S A PREDATOR and uses control and mind games on others.

      Q: All I need in Life is some Good Loving, some Gratitude, and some Good Meals, and I’m Happy.

      And it better be all about me or I will grind your soul into the gutter, b****.

      Q: You mean too much to me. Please talk to me.

      Damn, you found out all my lies. I need to re-brainwash you. Hopefully you’ll buy this B.S. because I need to silence you!

      Q: I must say she does seem happier since she has her own house.

      DAMN HER!!! How dare she be happy without me?? Hard to smear someone when they are so happy to mutual friends!

      Q:We cannot be friends. I’m doing this for both of us.

      I could care less about you. I don’t want you around to warn my new victims…

      Q: I can change the tone of my voice and convince anyone of anything.

      Truth! He’s admitting he hypnotizes, mind controls, uses NLP

      Q: Having an affair really does help married people in lousy marriages cope.

      I can justify anything I want to do. Then I’ll blame you later and say I never told you that!

      Q: If someone is giving, I’m taking.

      Yes. I never give. I always take. Let’s see what I can take from people today! Yes, you won’t ignore my using and exploiting you. You want a real, honest, human relationship. I am not human so I am clueless about that.

      Q: Would i lie to you?

      I always lie to you, everyone else and even myself.

      Q: I told you i never wanted to be a part time dad.

      How can I twist the knife and blame you for having children?

      Q: I want the baby but not the mother.

      Babies don’t know any different. As soon as the baby develops a mind of its own, however – I will dump it faster than I dumped you. Besides, babies are great lures for new victims… er, women.

      Q: Sex is hassle, isn’t it?

      I’d rather beat off – I prefer to have sex with myself. The only person entitled to their anger is ME ME ME!!
      you want because I am not human and I am evil. So let’s make this your fault.

      Q: I would never do anything to hurt you.

      (BACKWARDS TALK) I love hurting you, it makes me feel so powerful and in control – so never defend yourself against me. Wait until I throw you away like a used condom!

      Q: People have more respect for me when I’m with you.

      I need you around to keep my image better. My image is EVERYTHING

      Q: You and I understand each other.

      (NLP) I want you to think you understand me and I have profiled and brainwashed you so thoroughly! Man I love controlling you.

      Q: So tell me, are you waiting? Are you waiting for me to be more?

      (NLP) I want you to wait forever while I toy with your heart mind and soul. I want you to be a PRETZEL. Bend over now

      Q: I won’t forget you.

      I already forgot but I want to make sure you obsess about me forever! OOOOO!! Power!

      Q: I even had to tell you how to be affectionate towards me.

      Control, Manipulation, Hypnosis, Mind Control and turning you into a dirty w**** and then degrading and dumping you. That’s the way I like it! If I buy you a camera, can you make private movies for when we’re apart, my sweetie? I think screwing around is fine for me. What about when you… I am so immature, everything is tit-for-tat with me. I will use ANYTHING to make you feel bad. ANYTHING! I love hurting you. I get off on hurting you.

      Q: You never loved me enough.

      It’s all about ME ME ME and you stopped giving me supply and having kinky bdsm sex with ME ME ME!

      Q: Talking to you is to fight with you.

      I LOVE fighting and drama – I live off of your emotional content! I create chaos – it makes me feel powerful!

      Q: Please wait until after Tax Season to tell my wife you found out I’m married. She’s a CPA and this is her busy season…

      …By that time I will have painted you like some crazy, stalker, bunny boiler and make sure she doesn’t believe a word you say!

      Q: Don’t call me…

      I know that you will and I don’t want to have to block your number, no one wants to hear their number is blocked.

      Q: I want you to call me…

      …So I can tell everyone you’re psycho when I know I am the psycho! I am going to mess with your mind!

      Q: I fear we are going to have a big misunderstanding and never talk again.

      I going to create a situation that justifies me discard and dumping you, and make you believe I don’t want to D and D you – it will make your head spin!

      Q: You know I have feelings for you.

      Feelings I won’t define. However I am envious, angry and downright jealous of you and always have been. You’re decent, real, honest, well-liked, talented and smart. Everything I am not. But if I imply I might ‘love you’ you won’t rip off my mask!

      Q: We can never be friends NO friend treats me like you did.

      I have NO friends – I have proxies and sycophants. How dare you figure me out!

      Q: I will always love you.

      I know saying that ‘love’ word gets me what I want. So I’ll say it even though I am clueless as to what it really means.

      Q: I see how happy you are and it’s killing me.

      I can’t stand people OTHER THAN ME being happy! I love drama. I get off on hurting people and manipulating their emotions.

      Q: Did she break up with me, or did I break up with her, it was all confusing… my friend said, she broke up with you and he said, oh good then I wouldn’t want her to hate me.

      ME ME ME – I need to be seen in a good light in case I want to go back and re-use old supply. This is great cause I can BLAME her for the breakup; nothing’s EVER my fault!

      Q: Has she said anything about me?

      Can’t believe she’s not asking about me!

      Q: I don’t think you understand my fear of loneliness.

      I am such a Narc I can’t be alone so I will screw around with whomever is dumb enough to have me. I am so empty inside I can’t even be alone for 5 mins.

      Q: I don’t like my urges either.

      And if you believe that I’ll sell you a bridge in Brooklyn. I love my urges, I have no impulse control and I refuse to do anything about it! I hope this line makes you feel sorry for me.

      Q: How will you just stay away from me?

      Now that you said that to me I am gonna be in your face because I know you’re so weak you will never block my calls, texts or emails or even get a restraining order like you should. I am gonna mess with you.

      Q: Why don’t we just “take a break” for 2 months, and see if we miss each other.

      Me? I could care less… see you, not see you. But I will keep telling you I miss you because it’s NLP to make YOU miss ME. Ah, sweet sweet CONTROL!

      Q: I think you just like the hold you have on me.

      You have no hold on me. No one does. So I will say this to make you feel guilty for saying you’re gonna dump me… BOO HOO POOOOOR ME!

      Q: I don’t have feelings so whatever you say doesn’t even hurt. You cant hurt me.
      (Wow, a moment of truth… they always throw a few in!)

      Q: I’m gonna see you again, we have mutual friends.

      I am gonna stalk you and follow you and harass you so BUCKLE UP BABY

      Q: Well then I guess you should just never call me again.

      POOR POOR ME!!! HOW DARE YOU RIP OFF MY MASK AND DUMP ME!

      Q: Why are you being like this?

      Why are you asking me to be human and have feelings? I just wanna sleep with you. Dang your nasty brain… you’re gonna rip my mask off and realize I am using you. Oh hurting people gives me such a rush! Power!!

      Q: Why do you get the impression there is something wrong between us?

      Q: You know I don’t have a girlfriend, I do this with nobody else.

      Because I’m a Narc I talk backward. A lot of what I say is projection or the direct opposite. I have LOADS of girlfriends! The one who’s dumb enough to marry me and a few others like you I keep on the side when I get horny. I’ll sleep with anyone, anytime!

      Q: I love you. I want you to love me. Do you love me?

      I know getting a woman to believe I love them makes them drop their defenses so I can do whatever I want to them. Love is just a word to me – like toilet paper or car keys. It gets me what I want… it means NOTHING.

      Q: I won and you lost and your child is a bastard.

      Winning is EVERYTHING to me. EVERYTHING. I must always win no matter matter what. I I I I ME ME ME ME…

      Q: You drag me down.

      You are too much reality for me… I am special and since no one will recognize me as special I will blame YOU for that.

      Q: She was just an ungrateful b****. (talking about his ex)

      [If they refer to any of their exes as: obsessed, a b****, ungrateful, bitter, a scorned woman/man, a stalker, a liar, a psycho, a bunny boiler… etc etc…. RUN SCREAMING because YOU will be next on that list]

      Q: She forced me to choose between her and the army.

      And she wanted me to stop sleeping around… something I will NEVER NEVER do!! mwhaaa haaa haa!

      Q: You have serious self esteem issues, you know there’s only one woman for me.

      And I want you to CONTINUE with those self esteem issues and make them worse so you will be desperate to believe any BS I tell you. There’s only one woman for me – EVERY 5 minutes!

      Q: I am so taken with you, in love with you, you are the most amazing person I have ever met and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

      This line always works! And if you believe this I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale for you.

      Q: If you expose me, I will sue you.

      I know a lawsuit will never go anywhere but if I threaten maybe you’ll be scared enough to keep your mouth shut.

      Q: I never cheated on them, I just stayed with them too long but knew it was over long before.

      They let me stick around and treat them like sh*t longer than they should have… and I cheated like crazy and used porn and made them feel as bad as I could because I am SOOOO great!

      Q: I have only been in love one other time and until I met you I don’t think the love I have for you even compares.

      Since I can’t feel and have no idea what love is – this sounds about right!

      Q: She played the game with me and liked it!

      Everyone’s as pathological as me. Not my fault she actually believed me and has hurt feelings. Besides, now she’s blocking my access to new victims!

      Q: I feel like I’ve ruined your life!

      I know I ruined your life so admit it to me so I can feel powerful and do more damage!

      Q: I never watch porn.

      I never watch it when I think I am gonna get caught. But I am so addicted to it. Every woman I meet should look and act like the porn babes. If they don’t – I will make them miserable.

      Q: I prefer your hatred to your love.

      Hate – now that’s the only emotion I can relate to. I hate everyone! I want to be notorious. ATTENTION, I CRAVE ATTENTION! Positive attention, negative attention it’s all the same to me. Besides HATE I can relate to. To me LOVE is just a stupid word!

      Q: I know nothing of that spyware you found. Who knows on what strange websites you go and what you catch on them!

      I am gaslighting you babe – I am going to PROJECT and BLAME SHIFT until you barely know your own name. I will never ever take responsibility. EVER! I hate getting caught.

      Q: We have to communicate better.

      You are no longer doing what I demand you do. I had you nice and controlled – you need to go back to being controlled!

      Q: Every man wants to be king of his castle.

      I am OMNIPOTENT! If I tell her EVERY man wants to be like it totally justifies my behavior and makes her feel like crap.

      Q: I will always love you unconditionally

      I read this in a book somewhere… maybe she’ll believe it.

      Q: Sounds like you pretty much broke up with me too then, hey?

      So we’re even… this blame shifting things works great! Yay, me!

      Q: I hope you find a better boyfriend than me.

      Here’s an extra helping of guilt for you, to make you feel sorry for me. Maybe I can get some guilt sex out of it

      TELL ME IF YOU RELATE TO ANY OR ALL. Thanks merzi

    • Merzi

      June 27th, 2015 at 4:37 AM

      I can especially recognise this one
      ” Q: She was just an ungrateful b****. (talking about his ex)

      But I can also recognise the other comments but not with the same Q.
      For example when I finished it (I wrote to him that it was over), but unfortunately I went back, so he asked ” how can you dump me in a so short time?” He blamed me so much.. And I Said to him that I didnt wrote it because I wanted to end it but I thought it was already over ( because of the silent treatment) he didnt speaked to me didnt answer my messages after a week).. Then after this event he wanted two weeks to Think about if HE could forgive me because of me ended it, but more than two weeks where gone and HE dumped me and Said it was because of too much misunderstandings.. I did never answer him back Then I Got a message from him after two weeks. I was in shock.. He wanted me to help him tell his NEW fiance that it was over between me and him can you guys imagine this? Why did he wanted my help? And what was that all about?

      I dont understand myself.. I knew something was wrong when he suddenly after he gave me the cold shoulder did not contacted me and where the silent treatment began.. For me at that time IT WAS OVER! I was soo convinced of this! But still After couple of days I went back.. I still keep asking myself why??? How I totally changed my mind? How could this happen? After such a horrible treatment…

      Do you guys feel like me? Do you blame yourself too much for not handle the past situations Well with the narcissist?

    • Merzi

      June 27th, 2015 at 4:58 AM

      Dont understand why I keep want to search after if he really was a narc?

    • Diane

      July 5th, 2015 at 7:56 AM

      Ohhhh wow I’ve read this 5 times I can do relate to all of it and unjust about to divorce my covert narc after 9 months of silent treatment… Xx

    • J

      July 21st, 2015 at 10:56 AM

      Every time I miss him or get nostalgic of the good times I log onto this site and a few others and it gives me strength to maintain silence.so I thank each of you for sharing your personal stories and helping each other to do the right thing and move on. I have a narcissist father and seen my mother suffer and endure the pain to give her children a happy home. I was sexually abused in school for years until I faced the courage to deal with it. For all the aggression I had against my father I ended being in a 6 yrs relationship with a N (I had a realisation he was one only now!) who walked out on me 2 months before we cld get married, and had his family call it off and make it my mistake. And my mistake was I am an unlucky person!! With no closure I moved on. I don’t know how I bounced back with no therapy and with a will to re deem myself. I met a very nice man and dated him for 2 yrs and cheated on him with a N. We had our issues but I shld never have cheated. I’m ashamed of myself.I am otherwise a very moral person who believes in walking away than cheating. However I became that person. The N I choose to be with is now giving me the silent treatment.it is close to 2 weeks and I have anxiety and old abuse feelings crop back up which I had for 6 yrs with my first N ex. When I chose the 2nd N I didn’t know he had a disorder and believed every word of his when he would ill talk bout his ex wife. He even showed me clinical reports of her being a schizophrenic. So I believed what he said. He would call her crazy a pycho b***h who ruined his life. Would say she drives him crazy with the fights and the taunts and how he didn’t feel good enough. How she called the cops on him and blamed him for sleeping with the help whilst he would work all day and make good money to provide for her and the family. He is very affluent and could afford to get help and 2 nannies and a driver for her.it was always her fault and never his. And because he was soo good to me for 2 yrs I trusted him blindly. It was a long distance relationship and he would fly me to places so that we cld be together and inspite of a busy work schedule we would talk and text all day daily. While attending parties he would be on the phone with me. I was the love of his life and spk of y he didn’t meet me sooner. He would call me his life his sunshine. Now when I look back i would feel a bit uncomfortable when he say atuff like don’t rape me in my sleep, I’ll jump out the window if u don’t come see me, but I also let it pass as he’s being overtly silly. I am successful in my career and we belong to the same industry and so we would discuss work share ideas. He even wanted to start a new company with me. For him I am the smart and intelligent girl. He has been very attentive to my needs. Would travel overseas and share his new nos for that country and constantly keep texting then as well.the had told me that he n his ex wife would do therapy and he found out then he was BPD with a hint of hypomania and he showed me those reports. Few months back he went in for another psyc chk wherein it was detected he has narcissism.i have never pulled him down but tries to help him through his emotions and reactions including emotional breakdown in ref to losing his child. As he is fighting for custody he n his ex wife maintain contact and theb start their fights. I figuted he had an issue with the alcohol abuse or rash driving etc but didnt realise what N is all about.since June start the issues. He went for a family holiday overseas and got drunk and asked me if it’s ok if he cld sleep with someone while I remain his special love. I obv fought with him and he called me names and hung up. Next morning he asked me to forget it as he was drunk talking and testing me. Since then he has been distant no calls and few texts saying busy with legal matters n court. I did bring up my insecurities and he would send me a few more texts. Even thanked for not nagging n being patient.met him for dinner and lunch when in my town and I maintained my distance as i just had a feeling that something is wrong. A few days from thereon sat I got a few texts and since evening no communication.he went out drinking with friends and I heard from him only the next day in the evening so I got to know. To which I told him I’m irritated for not being kept informed and he snapped saying he wishes not to speak to me. Its been almost 2 weeks and I have tried to reach out a few times to resolve and chk what happnd. He read No response. I told him its disrespectful and hurtful to read n not reply but he read n didnt reply.After a few days when I chkd if this is a break up he said he needs his time he has a lot happening right now so I told him to take care. 3 days after I said I’m worried and confused and he replied saying don’t worry I can take care of myself. I even told him I feel lost without him but he read and didn’t reply. He is loved by all his friends so obv for them I am overreacting and shld be patient else move on. If he wants to come back he will! I feel like an ass who gave him everything and if he has found his new supply the least he cld do was have the guts to say it’s done! N what if all that he told me about his wife is him!! Iv previously shared with him all my feelings related to abuse been emotional about how my ex N was with me and now I feel soo naked that the one I trusted is the one hurting me.

    • J

      July 21st, 2015 at 11:25 AM

      I feel guilty thinking what if he really does need his space,but then y now would he distance himself when otherwise he has shared so many of his issues. Then I feel anger n disgust at him n me for letting him do this to me. My head hurts I feel a sense of emptiness and I’m also tired. I want to maintain NC but then I feel like yelling at him n standing up for myself. I also feel embarrassed that he would be flauting his new chick before ppl who I tght were our friends. I don’t know how n what to feel. He didn’t tell me my fault so iv gone over n over it in my head. I am a normal sensitive person who has gone through my share of abuse in my growing up yrs n knowing that he chose to do this to me gets me furious.I realise now what he did to his wife. So she suffered n he got me as a genuine person who cares for himn loves him. I suffer n he will find/found someone else who is innocent to all this n ruin her too. Where is karma in all this!!

    • Sharon

      June 24th, 2015 at 3:31 PM

      I also have started Alanon, because my N is an alcoholic. I loved him to distraction..only for him to continuously cheat. I booted him out of my house 6 weeks ago, after catching him calling an old girlfriend…again..and publicly outted him as an alcoholic, liar, and cheat. Now everything is MY fault..and I’m getting the silent treatment. What he doesn’t realize is that the longer I go without hearing from him, the stronger I get. I refuse to let him destroy me.

    • Diane

      July 19th, 2015 at 12:08 PM

      Hi Sharon. My narc would be afraid of me after an alanon meeting. She couldn’t pull the wool over my eyes and I was stronger after a meeting. Good for you for going. Its been some time since I went. Thanks for the reminder.

    • Genevieve

      June 28th, 2015 at 5:51 PM

      I’ve been involved with someone online for nearly 5 years and out of nowhere he goes silent. It is maddening. I wonder, when a narcissist discards you, do they let you know? Or do they just stay silent til you tell them goodbye? This person reads everything I send (I can tell as I am on Facebook and the checkmark is present) they haven’t deleted me or told me to go away they are just stone cold silent going on 8 days now. They’ve done this before. It’s just horrible. It hurts beyond belief. I wish I could be so cold and uncaring. I wish I could do to him what hes doing to me.

    • Nic

      July 2nd, 2015 at 5:07 PM

      I have been beating myself up for months while dating someone that repeadetly gave me the silent treatment. Everything would be great for a few weeks, then he would disappear for a week or so. I would get crazy asking myself what is going on, when I would reach out to him he would get mad, ignore me more then break up with me. Repeating this cycle for months. I finally let go after a month of being in a very sad horrible place torturing myself that I did something wrong and I couldn’t live with out him, he came back giving me the impression he wanted to work it out. Meanwhile continuing to date other women and meet women online. Until today I said enough is enough. He then blamed me for the failure of the relationship again. Saying I annoy him when he wants to disappear. I was very strong and independent before I met him. The last five months have been the lowest I have felt in my 35 years. It has been more difficult than dealing with a death. I found this article and it’s like a lightbulb. I actually emailed it to him, kind of like a ha ha I finally figured out your games.

    • Beth

      July 3rd, 2015 at 3:37 AM

      Hi nic I read your comment as I have been reading about narcissists. I have just come out of a 3 year long relationship with a man whom I had a child with and it has been the hardest time of my life. I had a breakdown last year and have to have medication to help me. My ex had a number of secret lovers / girlfriends and would make me feel terrible if I ever mentioned the fact that things were not right, I was treated like I was just an old bit of tatty rubbish and was constantly ignored , belittled , bullied , financially deprived from him , deceived the list goes on ! I have never had such a hard time in all my life and would like to say that these people should be punished when they wreck peoples lives and minds. As with all narssistic personality they are the ones who are low and have very little self worth, you must remind yourself everyday that you have more power and more worth than your partner ever will. X

    • amy

      July 3rd, 2015 at 7:22 PM

      I have been in the same relationship for almost 5 years. We broke up for 9 months and got back together in April. He swore up and down that he had changed and things would be better. They were not. I get the silent treatment, he walks out on me constantly and has a lock on his phone. I’m done being a doormat. This article hits the nail on the head. No more anxiety for me. I’m 38 and i have a full life ahead of me. I hope you stick with your choice, do not let him back in. It sucks to let go, but once you have yourself back and your life back…it’s amazing.

    • dk123

      July 4th, 2015 at 1:05 AM

      I don’t want to say I’m glad to hear your story because no one deserves what you’ve endured, but reading your comment gave me comfort in knowing I’m not alone, I’m not crazy and I am not to blame. Thank you and I wish you every happiness in life… you deserve it. You don’t deserve to be trampled on.

    • Beth

      July 5th, 2015 at 12:38 AM

      You are not crazy DK , your narc is . This is how these “creatures” lure you into their “game “. I also thought there was something wrong with me that I was crazy and therefore the lies and the abuse I received daily must have been in my head. Wrong ! I’m so glad I found this site to share my story and to help others too, it was only yesterday that my ex was dropping our son back after having him for two days. My sister came to be the ” third” party so I didn’t have to see him . .and he really didn’t like not seeing me and have her a barrage of insults calling me “mental” he was suppose to give me child maintenance yesterday and I received nothing. This Is another trick of his to lure me into contacting him but making sure I get the full rath of his fury that I have even dared to breathe !

    • QueenTrumpsPawn

      July 2nd, 2015 at 7:54 PM

      #Nic welcome to the mourning club. Where good girls go bad and bad men go free.

    • Tom

      July 5th, 2015 at 3:10 PM

      It’s not just men who resort to these kind of hurtful tactics. I was seeing this woman for many years who used the silent treatment on me just to mess with me, and it usually came about after something didn’t quite go her way, or whenever she was under a lot of stress. It was rather obvious that I was a “part” of her life but not a priority. She used me as a tool to lift up her ego and spirit and was very affectionate and loving when she needed my presence and affection. By the same token, I often went from hero to zero in an instant whenever there were more important things on her agenda; it was all about her choreographed dance of compartmentalizing people in her life. She wouldn’t even return a text or pick up the phone when in silent treatment mode, and I’m talking about texting her once every two days or so.

    • dk123

      July 5th, 2015 at 11:39 PM

      Tom I’m sorry for what you’ve endured. I know it’s not just men. I hope you’re free of your tormentor and you find someone worthy of your time.

      dk

    • Kelly

      July 6th, 2015 at 3:40 PM

      I recently recognized I was being emotionally abused by a Narcissist. I fell in love with him and I was blind to all the signs. My mother is a narcissist and has been for years. I have been practically emotional abused all my life. The guy I have been dating started off nice until months later his true colors started to show. I felt my self worth and self esteem slowing fading. He took advantage of me sexually, emotionally, and mentally. If i didn’t do something he agreed with or give him what he wanted he would give me the silent treatment. When I wanted to discuss our relationship he gave me the silent treatment. I realized I had had enough i stood up to him. I told him he didn’t love me. He was using it to get what he wanted. He replied with a statement to make me feel guilty for standing up for myself. At this point I didn’t care anymore!

    • carrie

      July 6th, 2015 at 11:06 PM

      It is such a release and feels pretty good once you or realize what’s going on and stand up for yourself …and when you finally just don’t care anymore.
      Kind of like that one scene in the early 90’s movie Office Space when the main character gets hypnotized and wakes up late one day and decides he doesn’t care about work anymore.

    • Frankie

      July 7th, 2015 at 12:28 AM

      This forum is a great support to so many people, it shows how widespread narcissistic abuse is and it is great that it is being exposed for what it is. For me, having moved on a lot, I have had a recent recurrence of “fallout” from my former relationship because someone I know is now involved with her. I don’t know if it’s a sexual relationship but in any case this person is bailing the N out financially and has clearly formed a close friendship. This person has now unfriended me on Facebook and for weeks now has been barely able to speak to me. I still have to see her at groups and it’s really uncomfortable. She has no clue that she is being abused and will sooner or later be discarded like I was and all the compliments the N is paying her, telling her she is sexy etc (I’ve seen this on FB) will be withdrawn. One thing I am realising about narcissists is how much they are CHAMELEONS. I thought I was with someone who shared my interests, liked certain music, sports, supported causes etc etc but it was never genuine, it was only to get me on board and get me where she wanted me. This woman that she is now friends (or whatever) with is someone that the N really disliked before, in fact she was really nasty about her. Not just this one woman but they are part of a group – the N is at present immersed in this group even though last year she slated every one of them and what they stood for. Thank the lord I understand what is actually going on here, ie the N is using them for her sick supply or it would be driving me crazy. As it is I have to work at not being angry about it, it grates on me that they all think she is charming and wonderful and I get unfriended. Anyway, good to get it off my chest here and I am sure that in time she will drop them too, and this one particular woman especially will no doubt suddenly wonder what hit her. At least I now have the friendship of two people that at one time thought I was the “bad guy” but now she has blocked them and is totally hostile to them they now know the truth. And when that happens it is such a relief! Al the best to every one of you x

    • Lisa

      July 8th, 2015 at 2:06 PM

      Thank you..
      I’ve been through this type of abuse and will now go no contact. She was my best friend but treated me like shit. The silent treatment being the worst.. It makes me feel worthless.

    • Jenny

      July 9th, 2015 at 5:35 AM

      Open letter to my Gay Narcissist: You’re so boring. We go silent treatment, as previously discussed after we sort out that my Narc moved into the building next door and failed to mention this to me or his hostages. What’s the deal? We have felt your presence spying from across the schoolyard for 4 months or more. We’re not looking to be abused by you anymore. Eat sh** a**hole. Leave me alone.

    • Frank

      July 13th, 2015 at 4:43 PM

      I hate having to admit I’m in this same situation with my fiancee. She really knows how to turn up the silent treatment. I’ve been with her for 11 years and recently they’re getting more frequent.

      I’m exactly as the article describes the target – high emotional intelligence, empathetic, etc. so I feel a lot of times she does the silent treatment to me especially because she knows it destroys me inside.

      It’s amazing how some people just have that ability to cut someone else down that they supposedly care for. I’ve told her plenty of times how agonizing it is for me, but it hasn’t stopped or slowed her down. It just makes me feel like she doesn’t care.

      I’ve been with her 11 years and it’s amazing how my self-confidence is in the dumpster. I just feel beaten up by this.

      I admit at times, some arguments are my fault but the minute I realize it’s my fault, I tend to apologize instantly and sincerely. Which is never good enough – I still get the silent treatment, even when I apologize.

      Which brings me to another thing – when she screws up, you have to drag an apology out of her kicking and screaming. Yet when I screw up, I own up to it and apologize but it’s never enough. I can walk backwards, on my knees, through broken glass and it still wouldn’t be enough. She holds out until I’m begging and groveling for her to forgive me.

      It’s led to a lot of similar feelings in this article. I have a lot of resentment – especially over how I feel I apologize a lot of times for things that weren’t my fault simply to diffuse things and get her speaking to me again because I know that sometimes unless I apologize, it’ll be a very long time.

      It’s given me a lot of hopelessness in my relationship. It makes me feel like she has so little feelings for me in order to act like this. It’s kind of like trying to fight a kamikaze pilot… I mean, it’s almost terrifying to try to fight an enemy who you know has no problem killing themselves to take you out. How do you fight someone like that? In the same respect, it terrifies me in the relationship because how do you resolve conflict with someone who has no problem destroying the relationship just to make you grovel?

      Today was the final straw…I was a bit grouchy earlier today and when she called we got into an argument. I realized that it was my fault and I apologized profusely. It didn’t matter. She hung up on me so I called back (because I always have to be the one to call because she never will..) and started getting the silent treatment. I begged her not to do it and that I knew it was all my fault and I kept apologizing profusely but still got the silent treatment. Finally I had enough and I sent her a copy of this article telling her I can’t handle this emotional abuse and she wrote back and said, “F**k you. I’d rather not talk to you than insult you.” And this is AFTER I already went belly up and apologized.

      Sheesh…what a mess.

    • Beth

      July 14th, 2015 at 12:40 AM

      Hi Frank it really sounds very similar to how my recent ex partner used to treat me. I have got a lot stronger and have found perspective on my whole situation now as being in a relationship with a narc does destroy you and they have such a cunning way of making you feel powerless . Your apologies to your finance I can guarantee you frank are not needed, these people are like human mirrors and will reflect their personal hurts insecuritys , demons , all of what they hate about themselves onto you . I was always apologising for to my ex for arguments , the silent treatment only hightens all this I found as would get increasingly frustrated and low about myself. In your own time frank you need to step away and see this woman for what she truly is a child in a woman’s body . And nothing else. You deserve to be loved by someone who will appreciate you and love you properly x

    • Tom

      July 14th, 2015 at 6:55 AM

      Frank – she sounds really intense and knows how to emasculate you by kicking the silent treatment up a notch. Try the no contact strategy; you should be able to elicit a response because silence on your part is counterintuitive to what they’re trying to get out of you (begging, pleading, writhing in agony).

    • Glinda

      July 15th, 2015 at 3:12 PM

      I am impressed to learn that my NARC’s long time hostage is looking out for herself. Hopefully she’s not even reading this in her quest to leave him out. He will have fallout.
      You’re gonna feel guilty! As an enabler we feel that when we stand up for our boundaries. Know that it’s coming and observe the feeling and don’t give in to your impulses. Feeling bad is part of the process. That guy thinks everybody acts like him – from a place of shallow manipulations. All that talk for nothing “how people act who have humanity”.
      I text myself or write to my other phone # so I can send text/email and be heard by someone who cares: me. Well he eventually spyware hacked my phone probably to read what I wasn’t sending and lately he’s taken to posting pics from my internal storage. Swell guy.

      To the silent treating hostage I’m not gonna say you’re better off. You may be, u may not feel that way but you’ll gain the value of remembering you CAN have a life of your own. And yes pretty much every other guy you ever meet treats you better than he does.

      I’ve been trying to jump off this trainwreck for a minute here, two steps forward, three steps back. I’m so happy he’s out of town I can breathe!! His overbearing negative personality is stifling.

      I’ve also read further into the blog of a woman who is surviving the worst of malignant Narcissists which I am learning there is no doubt he is.

      It’s frightening reading Lisette’s blogs and their exact parallels to my story and maybe yours too. In the 3 years I’ve known him there have been three deaths by suicide of women involved with him where he was in their business until they left. One woman’s story I read on here … He points out their deaths or I wouldn’t have put it together. Does he feel bad or is it the ultimate Narc “win”.

      I value my life. It’s time to GO.

      I read that being silent treated makes the narc feel small, worthless and powerless. Oh welcome to our world! Ice…ice…. ice him OUT!!

    • Glinda

      July 15th, 2015 at 4:22 PM

      Ive gained a wealth of understanding from this site on Malignant Narcissicm house-of-mirrors.blogspot.com/2011/05/malignant-narcissist-covetous-sociopath

    • No Sympathy

      July 15th, 2015 at 9:31 PM

      Here’s what we are dealing with :

      House of Mirrors
      Malignant Narcissist, Covetous Sociopath, Bully, Liar, Slanderer…

      It doesn’t matter what you call them: malignant narcissist, covetous sociopath or bully. They are one and the same. They are all predators who target people that provoke in them a desire for something they have, or for something they are. The covert power game and systematic destruction of another who put puts their wretched selves to shame is sport for the malignant narcissist. They excel at it. They’ve been practicing since birth. It gives them a thrill and makes them feel alive. That is why malignant narcissists are unsafe for human interaction, period.

      If you have been targeted run like hell.
      ’ve stayed out of reach of these two dangerous predators for 20 years and yet they still managed to stalk me and wreak havoc on my life over the phone, online and through email. Truth If you’ve been targeted by a malignant narcissist – particularly a family member – you will NEVER be safe in their sphere of influence because they will never stop trying to destroy you.
      If the malignant narcissist can extract information from anyone, and I mean anyone, who is in contact with you, they will. They will create a smear campaign over the most innocuous slice of your life. For example, you tell Bob that a car rear ended you; the malignant narcissist knows that you’re in contact with Bob, and even though the malignant narcissist doesn’t have a relationship with Bob, she calls him now and again just to see if she can dig up dirt on you – that’s how brazen and predatory the malignant narcissist is. The blood thirsty malignant narcissist manages to pry this tiny tidbit of information – about a minor car collision – out of Bob. The malignant narcissist then concocts an elaborate pathology of you based on a 5 second mention of a fender bender. She/He spreads her/his work of fiction far and wide in order to generate a negative view of you in everyone’s eyes. Remember: the malignant narcissist is ravenous; she/he hasn’t had their supply since you went no contact; she is irritable and aggressive and is chomping at the bit to destroy you by any means possible.

      If the malignant narcissist can’t violate your mind directly, the next best thing is to dirty up other people’s minds with bad thoughts of you. This is achieved through lies, slander, false rumours, undermining, creating doubts and suspicions and by encouraging and manipulating people to withhold information and spread misinformation.
      Don’t think for a second that sharing an innocent piece of information such as being in a fender bender is harmless – it isn’t. Any information about you is ammunition for the devious malignant narcissist and it will be used to attack you.

      That’s why it is so important to sever all lines of communication that are open to your abuser. Even if you don’t care what her cohorts and copycat abusers think, she’s still getting a power rush out of the game.

      And the worst part: the slimy bitch will malign you all under the pretence of “concern”. It’s enough to make you sick. She puts on a schmaltzy performance as a “caring” person; meanwhile, behind closed doors, she’s plotting your destruction.

      And people buy their act. What a joke! It’s no surprise that narcissists surround themselves with imbeciles.

      No wonder people are taking to the internet for shared information. Narcissistic abuse is not only an assault of a person’s human dignity; it’s a never ending cycle of re-victimization by an abuser who literally gets high and mighty through the process of your destruction. In short, narcissistic abuse is an assault on a person’s human dignity by those who have NO dignity – an outrage!

      Malignant narcissists are disgusting, filthy, reprehensible creatures. They are violent mental and emotional rapists, and as such, they think like rapists. A rapist knows that they are dirty. They are secretly ashamed of themselves for their perversions. So, in order for the mental rapist to feel clean, they must dirty up their victim. That’s where spreading rumours, lies and slander comes in. But we all know that slander is just projection. So, whatever LIES the vile narcissist is spreading about you, is actually the TRUTH about the narcissist.

      Unfortunately, most people are easily duped into swallowing the narcissist’s load of crap. Narcissists are masters at manipulating people through their emotions, beliefs, attitudes and perceptions.

      There is underlying sinister intent to everything he says and does.

      Another thing that people don’t get is that the narcissist needs NO reason to be hostile to their target. Normal people attack for natural motives like revenge or retaliation. Not so the narcissist. They simply attack people who possess something they want. For the narcissist believes that everything belongs to them, and if someone has a little of something, he needs all of it.

      Pathological greed, entitlement, and covetousness are what makes the malignant narcissist a dangerous predator. They are forever out to take, keep from, destroy and besmirch whatever they can get their grimy paws on: be it your job, you home, your relationships, or your reputation.

      It is sheer malevolence to want to damage the most valuable possessions of another. It is sheer malevolence to be hostile to others getting what makes them happy and feel good about themselves.

      And, it is beyond sick to have ill will toward people who aren’t harming you, have never harmed you, and have never threatened to harm you. !!!!!

      Malignant narcissists are pure evil. Just look at who they target:

      vulnerable children, people who love them, family, and the innocent.

      Convicted criminals who steal out of necessity, or shoot someone who tries to fight them off in a robbery, or commit murder for anger or revenge are better than the malignant narcissist. The criminal isn’t a threat to anyone else because he doesn’t go around wishing to hurt others or see harm come to them. But the malignant narcissist does – in every waking moment of his sad, sorry existence. He is a pestilent, disease spreading low-life and the driving force behind his predation is insecurity, greed, entitlement and covetousness.

      Remember; he’s not normal. He’s incapable of aquiring positive attributes for himself, so he must take from others to even the score.

      The malignant narcissist’s spiteful envy compels him to steal from you and make damn sure that you are severely harmed in the process. This clandestine power game is priority number one, and all of the malignant narcissist’s energies are devoted to it.

      The objective is POWER, CONTROL, and DOMINATION and he will stop at nothing to win. Causing the downfall of others gives him pleasure and victory means disempowering the target to a state of suffering and loss while aggrandizing himself.

      So sad, that the pathetic pu**y narcissist must resort to such tactics but he knows no other way, he’s abnormal: socially, morally, emotionally and psychologically RETARDED.

      However, beneath the extreme treachery, the malignant narcissist is still able to project an “image” – albeit campy and over-the-top. So, when people don’t incite his jealous rage, he lays on the smarmy charm thick with a spoon and slyly uses those dimwits to spread vicious rumours about his victims. All the while, maintaining a false front as a well meaning, do-gooder. Blech! That is precisely why these sickos – particularly women – can continue harming people. Why is the average person so gullible? Narcissists are lousy actors.
      Malignant narcissists love their perverted sport, and they never want the game to end. It’s all they have. Let’s face it; their lives are sad, so very sad. Take away the narcissist’s only reason for living – to hurt others. Don’t be their play thing. Stay Far Far Away.

      As far as I’m concerned; dealing with a narcissist on any level is just one big mind game and power struggle… the trick – like you suggest – is not to let them know your playing. It’s fun to outwit the devil.

    • cw

      July 20th, 2015 at 1:25 AM

      Well that afll summed them up pretty good.

    • Diane

      July 19th, 2015 at 11:41 AM

      Had a narc ‘friend’ come down on me so badly because I had joined a private step group without her that I felt like she was grabbing me by the neck (through the phone) and pinning me up against my brick wall in the air. I got angry at this and told her I had doubts about our relationship. She has since blocked her phone number but called me in case she needed me in the future with legal matters. I blocked her number and feel extreme guilt because I know she is emotionally childlike and thaws out over time but I don’t want her being the only one in control over this. Now I feel like I’m playing this “childish”game and I don’t want to. It’s s frightening feeling not knowing when she’ll call and her being the only one in control over me. I hope if I get a comment it will be kind.

    • Kai

      July 26th, 2015 at 8:19 PM

      I just found out today that I’m the unwitting, unprepared victim of a narcissist. I never saw this coming. He just shut me out. Never told me it was over. Never told me he needed to be away from me or that he needed some time to himself. Nothing.

      He literally just disappeared. It’s terrifying to me how shaken to my absolute core I am over this. I’ve become a desperate mess where once I was confident and secure, I now have this constant sense of dread and fear. I jump at the slightest startling, unexpected sound. It’s surreal. My stomach is in knots. I keep begging him to talk to me.

      I have no idea how to cope with this pain…….I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop crying. :(((

    • Bianca

      September 11th, 2015 at 1:46 AM

      I 100% feel the same way as you. And my guy meets the narcissistic description perfectly.

    • Carrie

      July 27th, 2015 at 8:49 PM

      Kai,

      I know exactly how you’re feeling and I just want you to know you’re in good hands now. Keep reading up on here and anywhere else on narcissism. At first I didn’t want to believe anyone I cared about so much could ever actually be such a mind blowing and awful thing such as a narcissist and a sociopath. It feels mean to even say those terms. Its also not good to throw them around lightly and I wanted to be sure of it beyond a reasonable doubt that this is what it is. I don’t believe most narcissist cases know to the full extent just what all effects and trauma and pain they put others through that try to get close to them. I don’t believe its just that simple and they are just mean and evil. That’s not to say at all that its justifiable what they do. I just think they don’t care. They really don’t and when it dawns on them how much we do , they run for the hills because they’re cowards and can’t and won’t admit it that they dont care. Maybe it makes them feel bad to even realize that so they run..
      What I do know Kai, and want you to know is that you will get through this dark tunnel. There is little light and even more at the end of it. The confusion, the pain, the emotional roller coaster , the tug of war. It may happen again, with someone by else or the same person may come back. It will not work out if they do come back. I’m 99.9% sure.
      Nobody that cares about YOU would act like that. It is just not normal and its dangerous actually. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and eventually get back to loving you for who you are and you’ll again one day be back and comfortable in your own shoes and skin. Not only that but you will eventually meet someone who is so much more that greater and will make up for all this crap you didn’t ask for or want to deal with.
      I promise. One day at a time. Some days
      Will be better than others. You’ll go back. And forth but healing a step at a time. Just know you did nothing wrong and save that love and hope you had because there is someone who does deserve it and will return it I promise you this. Or I would not say it.
      Keep your head up and don’t beat yourself up k kiddo? You ARE loved :)

    • Kai

      July 28th, 2015 at 1:56 PM

      Carrie,
      I deeply appreciate your kind, encouraging words. Every bit of kindness helps exponentially, so thank you a million times. You are right, of course. I know it gets better. I’ve had breakups in the past, but they were mutual good-byes, see you laters, take good cares, I wish you the best, etc…..there was communication!

      But this? This is an animal of a completely different nature.

      However, I know that I cannot change him or control him. I’ve done a lot of reading this past weekend since his disappearance. I contacted him quite profusely at first, but then I read somewhere where you have to shift the focus onto yourself, stay true to your own core values, and separate yourself from his actions while taking care of yourself emotionally. By begging him to talk to me, I realize I was feeding into his sense of power and control over me (and probably giving him a big head in the process!).

      Now?

      I’m over that part. I’ve decided that every time I start to feel the stomach churn, that old familiar resentment and anger, I immediately shift my focus to my core values. I remind myself of the authentic me, which by the way, would NEVER have given this guy the time of day. Who I am in my soul is a person who gives love, friendship, caring, kindness, joy, etc…and therefore, I expect the same in my relationships. Admittedly, this time with this guy, I myself was emotionally unavailable, which is how I drew him to me, I think. I’m not blaming myself for his actions, but I recognize my role in how this relationship developed and this realization will help me the next time, I’m sure.

      I blocked him from my numbers today and I sent him a goodbye text yesterday. I have not contacted him since, and I will never contact him again. I choose me, not him.

      Does it still hurt? Absolutely. I’m in pain over having become so attached to someone I’d convinced myself was perfect for me. But I also know that the signs were there. I could feel him pull away when I was loving and caring toward him. I honestly believe that he wants his relationships with women on a shallow level because he’s too afraid to love wholly with his whole heart. I think that is why he lied to me constantly about other women, deprived me of affection and loving actions, and cheated on me. I make that statement with 100% proof, not only because he let me see his phone, but he also confessed.

      Because he confessed, I tried to stay with him, but it just didn’t work. After the first few lies, the trust was gone and by the time I found out about the last woman, I was already gone in my heart by then. I wasn’t even shocked.
      What did shock me was his play for my affections and the way he begged me for another chance. He seemed 100% sincere, crying, and the words he chose to manipulate me into that chance seemed believable at the time.
      But, as soon as he had me on that hook again, he did the disappearing act. He gave me the silent treatment and cold shoulder for three days. He’d given me the silent treatment before, but usually it was only for a few hours at a time, never longer than a day.

      He did try to text me and called me several times yesterday, but I ignored his calls and I made the decision to leave him for good. I honestly don’t care where his head is at and why he did what he did anymore. That’s what happens when you choose yourself over him. The detachment I feel is a relief and it’s helping me heal.

      Moving forward, I know that not all men are not like this. They wouldn’t abandon a woman pregnant with their child and they wouldn’t just cruelly and coldly shut a woman out. I know that when I’m ready to embark on a new relationship, because of this happening to me, I can now set boundaries in a way that will not allow this to happen to me again.

      Again, I appreciate your support, Carrie. It means the world to me.

      Best,
      Kai

    • Beth

      July 29th, 2015 at 1:31 AM

      Hello Kai again what Carrie has said to you ….your doing 100% the right thing . It is the hardest breakup you will ever endure one from a narc. But I swear it does get easier. Little by little you will find yourself loving you again and loving life. I was in my relationship for 3 years with my narc ” Mr M” and we have a little boy together. Only two months ago I decided to end our relationship for good after seeing he had been behind my back again. It still hurts sometimes I remember something that I had seen or happend that didn’t quite add up as he had a ton of secret girlfriends never knowing if I was going mad or it was actually him was painful and draining on my mental state. Living on egg shells and Sharing my so called partner in life with others was not my way forward in life. It is even harder as we have our son together but I do not regret moving forward. And where I had lost myself completely Iam now finding little bits if me I had forgotten. Stay true to yourself Kai and remember if you give him an inch it’s wasted. Keep that man out of your life , you have won the biggest jackpot in life …….your freedom for life and love. This man isn’t free he is in his own tormented world where he will never be happy and never change. Lots of love Kai x

    • Ryan

      August 2nd, 2015 at 5:21 AM

      I cannot believe how effective this form of abuse is. Also that more an more people are using this. I am a strong willed, motivated, compassionate, loving, empathetic man, who before meeting this person was 100 percent focused on bettering myself as being slightly narcissistic myself in previous failed relationships. I learned new ways to deal, and treat women with respect and love. I have stayed in a toxic stew of silence to my hearts discontent, verbal battery, blame shifting, and downright unstable behavior for two years. If there’s a mental break point now is the time, as I have tried to diagnose every issue at hand only to be blamed. And have slowly lost the motivation for life. I don’t really know why or how I could put up with this. I am very mature for my age and have had many many relationships. She’s had two. She is about to have my child. I worry for my daughter. I do not want this to go on any longer I need to b the best I can be for her and myself, I just can’t bring myself to pack up again and level with her about to have my kid. She says she cares, and sometimes I do actually get acknowledgement, when I run on and on and don’t give her time to speak nonsense. But usually I am ignored. She has nothing to say unless it’s gossip, to complain, or to blame. That’s it. I only wish to raise awareness women do this too, and a once strong minded man here has now began to doubt himself and lose motivation to continue bettering himself. Should I leave ladies. How is it having a child with this person and can it be done in a manner that dosnt hurt my daughter if we are not together. I ha plans to have a child when I was ready and with the right person, this was not planned. I do not have regret only for allowing for my inevitable failure working alone in this toxic relationship.

    • Kimmy

      October 23rd, 2015 at 7:39 PM

      Just leave just stop. He won’t change, you change! Even a therapeutic person on here, I come to learn is still in touch with their NPD, all these years later and all this work done. I can hear it now , “just a good FR. Part of my process”, or something. I’m saying even an expert doesn’t do what they advise me and everyone else.
      I need a vacation..

    • Idk

      August 16th, 2015 at 12:18 AM

      How long before you feel better? I am leaving the one man I have loved the most in life…I have tolerated the abuse to avoid this pain. I have acted completely without grace due to the fact I know I am about to get the silent treatment. I go into complete despair. I have tolerated years of this. I have already had a very hard time due to my last relationship…I have 3 children and their father passed 2 years ago. We were divorced due to circumstances that were out of his control…also heartbreaking…mental illness took my last relationship. Now I have subjected myself to this? The one man I have known most of my life and the first man I have ever loved (teenage love). As a previous person posted…maybe Carrie? I don’t think he knows what he is doing is actually abusive. It is just really hard for me to believe he would intentionally do this to me. Like you…there isn’t anyone I can tell this to. I sent him an article about this hoping he would see that this is abusive. I told him I was deeply disturbed by all this and that we needed a break. Maybe he will choose Budha and we can heal together. No one can be doomed to the life of an abuser if they choose not to be, right?

    • Jo

      July 29th, 2015 at 4:09 AM

      I Don’t know if anyone will actually read this but I have nobody else I can talk to about this. Saturday night I tried to be affectionate to which point my so called other half said , sleep. It hurts when he does that, so I moved and he turned over in bed and made a comment which suggested I had put a barrier in the way. The next was was only a few bits of conversation here and there. But we saw someone he knew at the shop who he laughed and chatted with and we went to the pub in the evening and the same thing. Twice through the day I tried to hold his hand for him to basically take his hand away. Monday morning he gave me a kiss goodbye and then nothing. I text him Monday night just a hope your ok. He replied with you cant have still been doing overtime till now. explained had gone to yoga and had coffee with a friend. All I got back was “Good for you”. I replied with just a x and have heard nothing since. I didn’t contact him last night and intend not doing so again tonight. Its not the first time this has happened but when he does come back if he does I know that I will get such a hard time and the blame for something. The interesting thing about reading some of the articles is the stop eating, I haven’t eaten since sunday morning and I just face anything. I did this once before and I lost a stone again because of his treatment. I wish I didn’t feel so alone.

    • Sade

      August 10th, 2015 at 3:00 PM

      Jo, I can totally relate to ur problem. Would really like to chat with you. Im going through a similar situation.

    • Idk

      August 15th, 2015 at 11:43 PM

      I read your post. I know how you feel. It only gets worse from where you are now. There are a lot of men out there. Likely you believe none that you will love as much as you love the one you have… I am having a hard time too. I was just looking for answers and have come across several articles about this type of abuse. I suspected it was due to the despair it brings and that he is completely aware ofmy despair. I do not believe if you truly feel love you would do this. It is not about whether you are lovable, they just choose not to love.

    • carole

      October 9th, 2015 at 3:28 AM

      My husband withdrew all his affection to punish me (for what i have no idea) by sleeping at the bottom of the bed. His excuse was he couldnt get comfortable sleeping at the top…this went on for around 3 years then after a period of him giving me the silent treatment i told him i would prefer him to sleep on the sofa until he sorted himself out. Over 2 years later hes still there. Its my fault of course

    • Jo

      July 29th, 2015 at 4:37 AM

      In addition to my last post, im so sorry to hear that its such a common thing. As a loving kind person , yes I have my flaws but they do not involve being mean to someone I claim to Love. Why would you want that. Reading through some of the posts the thing that came to mind aswell was the fact that when we first got together he told me the one thing he hated most was the fact his ex wife would ignore him for a week out of a month. I don’t know anymore than that. So is that a punished becoming a punisher ? My stomach is in knots, I feel exhausted and struggling to sleep when I go to bed even though I tell myself to stop. The biggest light bulb moment for me today has been he punishes me by turning away from me or giving me the silent treatment then I punish me by not eating. Its not intentional though I think its how I have learnt to cope with the stress of the situation.

    • Ann

      August 11th, 2015 at 3:34 PM

      I have been struggling for years as to whether or not to stay in my narcissistic relationship. Our daughters have their own families now and have been diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease. My daughters do not think their narcissistic father will take care of me. I am at a loss as to what I should do.

    • Jo

      August 12th, 2015 at 12:44 AM

      Sade – Im sorry to hear you are in the same situation.
      Ann, please do what it takes to make you happy. At the end of the day don’t stay because your scared of what the future might bring. Do what you need to do for you. x

      My two days of hearing nothing turned out to be my fault. I apparently ignored him. But my situation has left me looking at myself and how I avoid conflict when im hurt. Because I shut off and barely speak, he takes it that im having a pissy and im ignoring him. Where usually im just hurt inside and don’t know how to convey what I need to. The same as when something is wrong I don’t say and then do quiet. It doesn’t excuse how he is when he is cheesed off at me though.

    • Browndog

      August 18th, 2015 at 10:43 PM

      This article by Theresa Schneider and Teresa Cooper’s article on the Silent Treatment easily found on the web both really nailed this situation.
      I recommend the recently published Three Faces of Evil to those experiencing such treatment. IDK, in it you will find that kind, optimistic people who act like adults attract narcissistic abusers. It is common to have more than one of these relationships until we as targets learn to recognize the traits of these venomous people.

    • Chris

      August 20th, 2015 at 8:50 PM

      It’s so helpful reading this.

    • Mekenna

      August 23rd, 2015 at 11:47 AM

      What if it’s my dad though? He’s emotionally abusive and has been giving me the silent treatment for a week and acting like I don’t exist. He purposely shows so much love to my siblings in front of me. He’s mad because I tried to stand up to him and how he was treating me. I can’t just “break up with him and move on”

    • Sophie

      August 30th, 2015 at 8:33 AM

      Mekenna… how old are you? Just curious. Is your dad verbally or physically abusive? I am the daughter of an N father. I feel your pain. Do you have a school counselor you can go to if you are indeed still in school? I’m 48 btw. Was 35 the first time I really stood up to my dad. Nobody should wait that long but you can’t take that on alone if you are under age and live at home. You need support.

    • Renee

      August 23rd, 2015 at 12:37 PM

      My husband and I live in two separate states due to our jobs we cannot work at the same location. So the only day to day communications we have is phone calls.
      I read your article, I have told myself forever, several years that my husband is emotionally abusive. I have tried and I have told him that his silence, when he doesn’t like my disagreement of his position on something, is abusive and that I don’t like the silence. I grew up in a loud house with several family members, the only time it was silent was when there was trouble. He knows this and yet he continues to shut down when I disagree with what his opinion is. The last time I told him that if a person does not trust their spouse they should not be married in the first place. 3 days later, he still has not contacted me, text me, or spoke to me. After these silent treatments he always says well he doesn’t cheat, doesn’t beat me and he doesn’t drink so he is not abusive…..yet if I continue with my stand for myself he will cut me off and shut down again. I have finally taken the stance that I will not call him or text him when he acts this way. He will call me 2-3 days later and want to know why I haven’t called him!! I am at my wits end and know this is not a healthy relationship to be in. I have no friends anymore because he claims that married people should not go out with non-married friends because it leads to cheating!! I use to go out to see friends, I use to enjoy dancing, I use to just go hang out and read a book but if I do any of those things, I get the 3rd degree, who are you with, why are you going, who did you talk to/see why you were out. So I just quit going anywhere and stay in the house. Now I am depressed and anxious all the time, if I go out will he call and get mad? I stay home and I am depressed and unhappy. I KNOW I need to get a divorce and save myself, I am at the point (45 years old and second marriage), that I will never seek out another relationship if I get divorced, I just can’t take the emotional destruction anymore. Thank you for a wonderful article that makes me realize I am NOT crazy.

    • Hazel

      August 25th, 2015 at 7:14 PM

      I really dont know if nt boyfriend is a narcissistic or not. When i met him he won my heart by the way he was. He would write me messages love notes, omg he showed me ge was in love w me. He would say i was his Rock n that he was gonna protect me n take care of me. We started living together n he did a changed a lot. He would check my messages, social media, Call logs n you name it. I had no problem because there was nothing for me hide. Then he would try to pick a fight for everything. I started getting irritated and frustrated..like walking in egg shells. I asked him to leave several times and he wouldn’t. After our last fight he left. He says he wants to work things out but i feel him distant and he doesn’t call me like he used to. I already apologized for what i did n how i acted but still all i get is “u don’t get it. .i love you” he doesn’t want to talk to me. I fell him distant and he comes over for a little bit n then he leaves giving me excuses. I know he is not cheating on me but i feel horrible. I want to give him space but i feel i will lose him. I am in love with this man n i don’t want to loose him. I’ve been crying for more than 4 days already. he does have an issue. ..He has a bad temper and he doesn’t really want to give me money for bills. I hate th at fights are always about money! i would like to hear your input. One last note. .i sent a heartfelt text asking him to be honest with me and that i really loved him n all i got back. “I have a lot going on right now. .don’t do this i have a headache” 😕😕😢

    • Had enough

      August 29th, 2015 at 8:14 PM

      Leave this relationship and run as fast as you can to get away . His behavior will continue as long as you let him . I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for over eight years. There were times we broke up only to be sucked back in. Cut all ties with him . I know easier said than done. I’m much happier now than I’ve been in a long time. I wish you luck and strength . You can do this Hazel !

    • FreeAtLast

      August 30th, 2015 at 10:43 AM

      The silent treatment is only abuse if the “victim” is still emotionally attached to the narc. Once a person detaches and is on a healthier path the silence is peaceful. And sane.

    • AuldLangSyne

      September 24th, 2015 at 7:05 PM

      We have been in daily contact for years. The NPD and me. I’m used to it I like it and this afternoon I feel the loss.

      He had found some innovative ways to keep us hooked in our mutual obsession that were working. He came up large off my work, to the tune of $500,000 in equity alone and I would think his greed quotient was satisfactorily met. As usual we’d burn each other back and forth; with any losses for me always greater than his wins. Then he would do something outrageously funny and sweet and with laughter and realistic communication things were vastly improved.
      The scales were extraordinarily tipped in his favor. Nothing was asked of him that he didn’t already want to do.

      There was a payoff for me, of course, which was mutually beneficial for him so when it became apparent he was going to refuse to do anything requiring any effort on his part, things turned ridiculous.

      I started to withdraw from this alliance out of self respect and he removed his only superior charm, while shaking his hand in the air “I will NOT be forced to feel good while you suck me off!” Or something equally charm-less.

      The amount of time we spent and the nature of our confidential discussions made us close over time. He went BAT SH*T when I tried to leave earlier this year so when I saw an opportunity to feed him alternate supply I did and it worked. I could breathe. That lasted for a while and then it stopped. I took three days in July and went radio deaf. When I tuned back in he was on a Narcissistic frenzy of epic proportions like he hadn’t slept the entire time I was out. I’d not seen such a thing but we’d always been in contact. How great would it be if he spent a quarter of that energy just doing the right thing?

      So none of this amounts to much in terms of showing up for the friendship. Instead he’s put a lot of effort into the new supply. What a smart fella!

      What saves me, I guess is that he CAN fake himself out like that and OVERRIDE any thoughts about making some small effort on his part to keep all parties happy. He’s too old and in too thick of a user mentality crowd not to know better. It’s funny to see him act surprised when he gets ducked over

      He takes my distancing as a reason to bully and spite me, even as I remain loving and giving for the few interactions I allow anymore. I did everything to keep him in check and it worked for a long time but when I started to seriously withdraw my assistance earlier this year things started falling apart for him. Futile I know, but my point was to demonstrate what happens when he refuses to do the tiniest thing to maintain a friendship. He takes it like a challenge in a duel and spent days and weeks wasting time trying to hurt me, rather than 20 minutes doing right by me. He will even take the things he’s promised me (hah!) or money or favors he knows he “owes” and give them to other people. Just to be a bad sport. It’s very unbecoming on a man.

      We stopped being lovers last year when he finally told me he’s never gotten a girl pregnant. He had been willing to help me try, even made fun of me that it didn’t work so I challenged him to “break my heart by getting some other girl pregnant”. And he did. Oct/Nov last year. It didn’t break me, it was meant to burn HIM.

      It seems his latest supply is neatly falling for tricks that normal people might question and it won’t be long for furious problems to start again. As the cookie crumbles.

      For me today when I need a friend there is no excuse for him not to be supportive. Just a month ago when he came home and was devastated and crying in pain over leaving a girl, I was the one who soothed him. I helped him through it None of the pygmie goat crew were called upon. He knows precisely how it feels and just how much and often he’s been soothed.

      I have news for him its so hard to dry up the friendship overnight. He has gotten so unduly paranoid that he rarely resorts to normal communication and I closed up other ways to steer clear of the Narc Frenzy path. My friends think it’s really bizarre and weird and I find it difficult myself to describe how this sabotage and subterfuge unfolds.

      It is like making a toast to the new supply “May the flame that burns brightest in this one instance not burn out fastest.”

      What happened to my FRIEND!

      There is only one guarantee with this NPD; You will GET your TURN!

    • carole

      October 21st, 2015 at 4:17 AM

      Hi FreeAtLast
      I’ve just had this very discussion with him, after another rant of accusations.
      I’ve said the same, I’m not explaining myself and I’m not upset I simply don’t care.
      I’ve emailed him about his condition but he’s in total denial and I know he will never admit to his actions.
      So pleased he’s leaving

    • Bela

      September 3rd, 2015 at 4:22 AM

      I really need your help and advice. My partner has NPD and I found out that recently. In our relationship he always demaded to have full control over me and my life and I accepted that because we had the typical BDSM relationship. I was the submissive one. Also he was my first and only partner and I always followed his lead no matter what. I was the perfect NS. About an year ago, tired of his treatment, I tried some reverse psychology techniques. I changed my behaviour, started to disobey him, seemed not so interested anymore, denied to met him over some excuses( recently found out that this is the so called narcissistic injury). I did all that so that he behave better with me. It worked somehow because he was afraid of losing me but because I had so much anger on him, I exaggerated and then he got tired of the “new” me. He told that it is over and he’s done with me. That happened 6 months ago. From that moment I beg him to come back every single day. Firstly, he said a strong no. Then he told me that I should pay him if I want to see him again( it was not about money because his financial situation is very good, it was about humiliating me). I agreed and I payed him. After meeting and paying him, he changed his mind and told me he no longer wants this deal because it’s not fair for me and that maybe he’ll come back for good. A few days later, he to forget about him and never bother him anymore. But I did write to him. He changed his mind and we met again 3 weeks ago. He told me that during the meeting I wasn t allowed to talk and that I only must listen. He talk to me like in the good times and I thought we were back together. But no because the next day he was cold again. And now for 1 week he didn’t replied any of my messages. And I write to him every day. Also, it was my birthday. He didn’t even wish me happy birthday. Those last 6 months have been a torture for me, I feel that I am loosing my mind, I just want him back. I know it’s toxic but that’s my choice. I write to him everyday because I know he wants that. I tell him all the things he wants to hear, that I am sorry for acting like I did, that I would never do it again, that he has full control over me, that I am all the submissive he wants, that my life without him it’s a nightmare. My question to you is: What should I do to make him stop this punishment? What does he want from me that would make him stop this punishment? I know that u ll probably say that I should leave this relationship because it is toxic, but I don’t want to. Every human being has the right to make his own decisions. It will really help me any advice on what should I do to make him stop the punishment. Or if nobody wants to advice me on that, then at least tell me if you think he ll leave me for good or if he ll be back.

    • Natalie

      September 3rd, 2015 at 3:11 PM

      Hello girl i’m really sorry , first of all u need to understand that this is not life theres nothing u can do to change him cos narcissists are perverse he needs ur suffering to feed his ego, its all about his ego , while u are suffering , while u are losing ur time he is enjoying this, when u realise of the time u wasted on him u will regret it, i was dealing with a narcissist man 8 years of my life and now i see how wrong i was , he never stopped lying to me i begged him to be honest to me and there was no case, he always humillated me with his past , he never wanted a serious relationship with me , he only liked to use me to feed his ego, these kind of people dont change, love makes us blind but we need to choose ourself , a better man can love u properly as u deserve its not easy to face this and to believe in love again but everything is possible , if there was a solution for this i would say it but the truth is that narcissists dont feel as we feel as human beings its all about them and we dont exist to them, i know how hard it is to move on when u are in love but u need to use ur brain not ur heart , be reasonable and honest with urself, we cant love to a person who wont ever love us, u cannot become his slave cos he doesnt give u anything good its not healthy for u, u need to choose urself be strong, be an strong woman and give him his own medicine start ignoring him use the no contact and be strong every single day then u will start getting stronger everyday and u will start feeling that u are better off without him, he will do exactly the same if u dont put an end to the situation cos these people dont ever get tired of playing, he is perverse ,cynic ,sadisctic as any other narcissist and u must undertand this is their psychology and narcissism its a pathology a serious pathology , u are not the guilty its their fault u are the victim not him, act as an strong woman , narcissists need servants to serve them when they want ,when they get tired of u they walk away from u after using u to their own benefit without guilt and remorse, they walk away from u looking for another victim to satisfy their narcissist needs, dont take him back cos he will continue playing with u, move on heal yrself and u will find a real man with time , this is my best advice for u Bela, good luck and i wish u the best.

    • Jeri

      September 5th, 2015 at 2:33 PM

      I have been in a relationship with someone for 3 and a half years. We were great at first. Then about 9mos into it I caught him in a lie. Since then I have caught him in one after another. He kept promising he would stop but had definite limits as to what he was willing to do to rebuild trust. Conversely he called me the love of his life, referred to me as Mrs. (His last name) and would send me emails with live songs often. All those things were great but they didn’t give me assurance that he was being honest about the things he had lied about. I tried everything, mostly things that required work from me and not him. Blind faith. He abused all privileges. I on the other hand let him back in time and again without requiring work and it got to where I never even got an apology sometimes or if I did one that was weak to say the least. I felt very unimportant over time, very lost, very insecure. I am in therapy and 30 pounds heavier. It created intense fear in me to the point I was having panic attacks, constantly suspicious and always on edge. He truly acted like he didn’t get what his responisbilty was. It got to where he would say mean things to me and even laugh at me when I was upset and crying. He would furiate me and then call me crazy. He doesn’t not take daily care of his children, has been married 3 times and is a financial trainwreck. He gets mad if someone questions him in anything. Recently in the midst of failing efforts to heal he finds that he has a work trip to Vegas. He even invited me to go. Then within a week he starts saying that I shouldn’t maybe stay everyday he stays and even starts talking about the naked pools at the hotel. So I calmly tell him I’m feeling some anxiety about this whole thing because of his shift in excitement for me to go and talking about naked pools. What girl in my situation wouldn’t fear that. He became upset and didn’t get why I was upset. He said he can’t do anything right but he also doesn’t try. I sent him an email with an article about reasons that are ok for one to leave the person they love and talked about how upsetting this whole thing is with no rebuilding of trust over time and the things surrounding this trip he was doing was very upsetting and created fear. I essentially was saying goodbye. I have not heard from him since. I saw him at a football game and I saw him look up arm two doe at work one day when he drove by. It’s been 16 days of silence and I have countered with not contacting him at all because I feel like I am facing the fact that maybe I was with someone who didn’t or couldn’t love me or anyone really. I guess I need a little assurance that this silence from him is inappropriate and not just because I was unreasonable. It’s been a very difficult few weeks but I refuse to contact him. I guess I don’t understand what kind of person wouldn’t appropriately acknowledge or deal with a breakup by discussing it. Whatever this tactic is only makes me more ok about my decision. Is there something wrong with him?

    • Louise

      October 20th, 2015 at 3:01 PM

      I realize your post was over a month ago.
      For what it’s worth – perhaps there is something wrong with him (narcissistic traits) or NPD. But, if not he sounds like a very selfish man. Either way – he doesn’t sound like he is willing/capable of empathizing.
      Best Wishes

    • Gillian

      September 6th, 2015 at 2:27 PM

      I have been in a relationship for two years with a man who had paranoid personality disorder. I believe he also has elements of narcissism but I am not certain. He is currently employing the Silent Treatment for something that I cannot yet identify. Because I am aware of his condition I am very attuned to certain triggers but missed something this time. We never argue or even disagree. Our relationship is really good… when it is good…. but stress at work seems (?) to trigger my partners episodes. He has been okay for about 7 months. We just spend a really nice weekend going to live music, hiking, dining out, making love. Sunday we watched movies, he made me a lovely lunch, we went bike riding in the evening then afterward went for coffees and sundaes. We came home, kissed goodnight (we don’t live together but are in the same condo complex), texted our typical “good-night, sleep well” texts. Monday morning he was no longer speaking to me. When this happens it is so sudden and I am completely blind-sided. There is literally no warning, no bickering or disagreement that sets it off and it is really painful for me as I love this person very much and he is my best friend. I know it is not his fault but that doesn’t really help when I am on the receiving end of this disorder. There is also no way of knowing when and IF it will end.
      I intercepted him in the hall on day three and he would barely speak to me. I asked him if he was angry with me (no), if he was breaking things off with me (silence, why he isn’t speaking to me (silence). He finally said that if we stay together “we may have a fight in the future” and “women always yell”. That was all I could determine. Because of his condition I have been keeping a detailed journal of our dates and outings so that I can track any changes in his behaviour. This helps me to diffuse situations early if I can or at least prepare myself for a rough time. I could not find a trigger for this current episode. I am never sure what to do so I have keep texting him the usual “Good morning, hope you have a good day” and “Goodnight, sweet dreams” just before bed throughout this. I don’t say more than that- I want him to know I am not mad at him. I am hoping it will make it easier for him IF he forgives me or wants to re-establish contact. It usually works but this episode seems to be quite a bit more serious than others.
      After 2 more days of silence I asked him if he wanted to go hiking with me (we typically go hiking every day after work and we are always active on weekends) and he texted “7 pm sharp”. I was afraid that he would stand me up but he didn’t. However, he did not look in my direction at me or speak to me for the entire hike. He completely ignored me but if I trailed behind he waited. It was extremely uncomfortable and very vexing for me. He put me through one episode like this last year and it lasted a month before he would speak to me. It was also precipitated by nothing that i was able to determine. There have been a few single-day flare-ups since. I think it is a good sign that he went for a hike with me but it was really gross when he would not even acknowledge me. It has been another three days of silence since our hike.
      I am better equipped to handle things this time but am so confused. I have some questions:
      Why would he go hiking with me – then totally ignore me?
      Is there anything at all that I can do to ease him out of this episode?
      If our relationship survives this is there any way to prevent or reduce the chance of another occurrence?
      He has a very important and high position in our local government in the city where we live- how do you think this affects his job? Would he be able to cope during an episode in a normal manner or does this sort of thing also translate into difficulties at work? Thank you!

    • Tamara

      September 22nd, 2015 at 6:15 PM

      I used to be you. I have learned that you will never change him. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? If not, move on. He is not worth it.

    • carole

      October 8th, 2015 at 10:25 AM

      You are describing my husband exactly. Im just coming to terms with myself for all my wasted years on a controling silently abusive husband all 32 of them.
      I look at him now and feel nothing. How could i have loved this man so much. He totaly wore me down with his constant negativity and silent treatment.
      In the last 3 years ive gone from feeling hurt and upset by him ignoring me to feeling happy that he is not talking to me again. He doesn’t accuse me of sleeping with half the village. I used to email him if i need to ask anything, he never did answer.
      Im over the whole situation and ready to begin my life again. Im not angry or upset but i am very sad. Sad that ive spend 32 years with a miserable moaning negative guy whos whole life evolves around him. I met him at 23 and im now 55 years old ive worked all my adult life while hes squandered thousands and many thousands away at the gambling house while ive been struggling with all the households expenses.
      I stopped taking his behaviour personaly a few years ago after a 10 week silence. How hard must it be to be miserable.

      Oh hes promised me on so many occasions that he will change and i wanted to believe him but now know he wont. I feel a quite sorry for him and ive stopped blaming him. I honestly believe he has no control over his moods
      He doesnt show any interest in our 2 sons or our home and i know its him. He needs help but not from me and i cant see him seeking help for his problems. I dont love him and im glad

    • Lia

      September 7th, 2015 at 7:35 AM

      Hello,
      I’ve been with the person for 6 years. Unbelievable how much time I’ve wasted. So many of my best years. I could have been looking for the right guy. I believe he is a narcissist. However, he doesn’t fit the description in a lot of ways. This is what confuses me. If he IS one, it’s not my fault. If he is NOT then maybe I am to blame for the way he treats me. Often, people say narcs initially win you by building you up, showering you with attention and adulation and compliments. He never did this.

      From the start, he would vanish for days. Never more than 5. I used to bombard him with texts. Begging him to talk to me, explain what I did etc. he controlled my moods. I can’t tell you how many outings with friends and family I cancelled because of how horrible I felt.

      I should have left him right away. But I had had such strong feelings for him immediately, that it was impossible. And since I blamed myself for his behaviour, I wanted to fix my shortcomings and make him love me.

      I realize something within me is highly damaged. His behaviour and treatment would never be tolerated by a healthy person. He is much older than me, and if I’m being honest, he’s not all that attractive, realistically. To me he was perfection, in every way, though. I have had numerous men wanting to be with me in the past 6 years. I have shunned them, in favour of him. It’s as though I am only fulfilled when there’s a challenge. And he is the biggest challenge of them all.

      All these years later, he no longer disappears and ignores me at random. But if I ever dare call him on something or blame him for making me feel bad, he will twist everything around back at me. He can’t accept blame. But the scariest is how he interprets things I say. I have learned to watch my words extremely carefully. But even still, he misinterprets things and gets angry. I can almost tell him the sky is blue, and he will get horribly angry, asking how I can say something like that and why the hell would I blame him for it and how I’m a huge selfish b****.

      An exaggeration yes, but not even that much.

      He never cares when I’m sick. He never cares when I’m stranded with a broken down car. He is never there for me.

      If I talk to him about things in my life, he seems bored and aggravated. He puts on a fake smile which I despise. I have asked him who he thinks he’s fooling with such a smile. He laughs it off. The other day I told him it makes feel bad me when he ignores my conversations… how did he react? By ignoring me. It’s been a week now.

      I’m not crying. I’m not horribly depressed. It’s happened a hundred times already. Probably more. I’m more numb now. I’m angry. I’m still shocked at his behaviour. I’m upset. I miss him. But I’m still breathing.

      Is he a narcissist or just a selfish cranky piece of s***?

    • Jennifer

      September 7th, 2015 at 5:06 PM

      You should definitely look into that with a therapist like Goldie. How confusing to get so many conflicting mixed messages, but that’s the way of the Narc. Obfuscating … My Narc isn’t even good at it. He really sucks at it that’s why it’s so easy to tell when he’s lying, which is all the time. He has no life or real friends so he wraps us all up in his two-point charade game then he defaults to baby brat behavior when everyone starts dumping his a**. And boy do they dump! This year alone … wow. Good thing he doesn’t worry about everyone always leaving his life because they can’t stand the way he treats them. And no one finds his b*tch rants very masculine. His only friends are his friends dogs, because he can hit them so they shut up and you know how dogs are loyal. The Narc and his Dogs. Sounds like a band name. Forgive me I’m just talking nonsense here.

    • Jennifer

      September 7th, 2015 at 5:20 PM

      After Friday night, I wanted to talk about the punishing sexuality of the Narcissist but Narc Speak and a web article of the same title The Punishing .. pretty much cover it all. I did make some new friends from the deal, at least.

    • R

      September 14th, 2015 at 6:47 PM

      Whoa. That sounds like my husband to a T. All but the name calling. He’s only done that a few times. I wish that were the worst of it, though.
      I just told him, a couple nights ago, to stop verbally abusing me. I didn’t think I had it in me to tell him. In the past, I have avoided all conflict because I never really know if he will fly into a rage or walk out and ignore me. I am so dependant on him, it’s unhealthy, I know. But I love him. Not in the sense that I worship his every move, but love him as I want what is best for him.
      Divorce us not an option in my eyes. Never was, never will be. I promised him. My promises mean something. Besides, I know that he would just give in to his dark side if I left. To him, that would be the “ok” to do all of those things he knows he shouldnt.
      He does come out of it at times and it’s so wonderful. He will be nice and be genuinely interested in my life and feelings. But that’s only very rarely.
      I’m so sad, and hurt. I have given everything to this man. I have watched our family through multiple deployments. I have put up with so much, telling myself that he needs me and I can’t give up on him. There’s so much pressure.
      Now that I’ve set a limit for the abuse to stop, he won’t speak to me or acknowledge me. I’m trying to be civil, but I promise I’m not crawling back to him this time. I know he’s just trying to manipulate me by giving me the silent treatment, forcing me to say that I was wrong and he was right. I thought our love was so much more than that.
      The pain is unbearable at times, but I keep telling myself that my kids deserve better than this. Even if the rest of our marriage is empty and void of compassion, I’d rather he ignore me than treat me so disrespectfully and horribly. It stops here, and it stops now. My children will not, and can not, continue to watch their mother be put down and stomped on for every little thing. I’m holding my ground for myself, and my kids. And I’m praying everyday for him to get better and for me to do God’s Will.

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      September 14th, 2015 at 7:51 PM

      Thank you for your comment, T. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here.
      We have more information about emotional abuse here and additional information about what to do in a crisis here.

      Warm regards,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • And

      September 7th, 2015 at 10:41 AM

      yep, this is true. The idiot I was with often went silent which I mostly ignored. The strangest thing is that when they try and claim you back you are forbidden to discuss the stupidity of this behaviour, which they deny.
      Mine creeps back every 6 months regular as clockwork. He has new targets which we don’t mention. I’ve learned not to confront him, so I just mirror his communication for an easy life.
      The risk of the rage is very real, I once confronted him to my cost. Narccists are totally ridiculous, never loyal, never responsible for their behaviour, and expect those around to pander their every need & want without question. A middle aged man in full tantrum mode is an ugly sight but it happens.

    • Molly

      September 28th, 2015 at 9:53 PM

      This is to And. Can you explain more about the middle aged tantrums in question? #curious what a man looks like acting that way. Thank you.

    • Andrea Schneider

      September 14th, 2015 at 9:15 PM

      T – I definitely agree that finding a therapist who specializes in trauma work is essential — but specifically working with a therapist who has been trained in narcissistic abuse recovery is essential. I offer telehealth options if you are interested. Glad the article resonated with you. Sincerely, Andrea

    • Mike

      September 24th, 2015 at 3:27 PM

      Michelle,
      I enjoyed reading you article. I particularly like that you point out that the victims are often good people who just fail to see the person they’re with for who they are and try to find conflict resolution as a normal caring human being would. I read some of the prior posts from last year.
      In my case my fiancee was a therapist. She treats abused teens and thoroughly enjoyed the control that she had over the children and their parents. She talked about it every day after she came home from work. I had known her for 30 years. We had grown up in the same small hometown in the heartland and had reconnected at a 25 yr high school reunion. We both lived large cities in different states at the time. Everyone of our friends thought this was the best thing to happen since sliced bread. Neither of us had been married or had children. After a year long, long distance relationship, flying back and forth every other week, I found a job as an financial accountant where she lived and we moved in together. We seemed like the perfect normal middle class couple. After about three months I had started noticing odd behaviors and the fact that she was keeping odd hours. I became suspicious and our relationship started to deteriorate. Whenever I would try to set a healthy boundary, she would break it and always have an excuse. She started saying that I was the one with the problem and convinced me to see her doctor and start taking psych meds. I trusted her. She’s a professional therapist right? Eventually I learned that she was having an affair by reading the texts on her phone. I also learned she was on adult friend finder with a profile seeking casual sex with lesbians, bisexuals, and swinging couples.
      The day I confronted her about the affair she was having with a woman she worked with, she immediately deflected blame onto me for invading her privacy. She would not answer any questions or even acknowledge the affair or explain her closet sexuality issue. Instead she immediately kicked me out of our home and started the silent treatment. Since I had moved to where she lived to support her career and education (she was in school working on her second masters) I had nowhere to go and checked into a hotel. After four weeks of numerous texts trying to resolve the return of my property, since half of the things in out home were mine, I received no response. In the meantime, she had changed the locks, called the police and requested a hearing for an order of protection. Mind you I never revisited our home after I left. Only text and e-mails. We had the hearing. The judge had her read my communications and She (the judge) said there is nothing harassing or threatening in anything you’ve read. He just wants he things back so he can get on with his life. You need to work this out. The order was denied.
      After no response from her for another month, I had to call the police and report my things stolen and sue her for some money she owed me. During this whole time, she had been undermining my credibility with all of our friends and family saying how horrible I was and how she needed to get an order of protection against me.
      It has taken me months of therapy to realize just how crazy this situation was and that I was doing the right thing. I didn’t trust my own thoughts for months after I got out of this situation. Everything I did was twisted back and blamed on me. I feel for anyone that has to go through this experience. To this day she has never accepted any responsibility for her own actions. Instead she has completely attacked me through our mutual friends, and within a month of me being kicked out started seeing one of my other old high school classmates who lived in the same city. That relationship of course failed, she’s already on her next victim, all the while maintaining a side relationship with this woman. I have unfriended and blocked almost everyone we knew just to avoid having to deal with her or any questions. I’ve left a lot of things out just to keep it short but suffice it to say, there is no excuse for how a narcissist treats other people in a relationship. The best thing you can do is get away fast and stay away. I didn’t know that before but I sure do now.

    • Molly

      September 28th, 2015 at 9:50 PM

      Sounds like you are getting smeared from all kinds of sources! Poor thing.. I learned in therapy that when three separate unrelated people say the same thing about my behavior? Trust that I am doing that behavior.

    • Cind

      September 27th, 2015 at 9:40 PM

      What about dealing with a stubborn and toxic person who will take your attempt of resolving a conflict as a confrontation, an attack? Worse, that person will undermine your reputation by telling everybody how “evil” you are in your “confrontation” and that you’ve hurt him/her?

      In situation like this, isn’t it best to not say anything at all to cut off a toxic relationship?

    • Miracles

      September 28th, 2015 at 9:46 PM

      Dear Cind – How did you try to resolve the situation? Usually people don’t start out toxic and in Narcissitic relationships the 51% rule applies (that the victim needs to look out for themselves more than the blood sucking Narc) Some schools of thought say a Narc victim has no reaponsibility in what happens when a predator seeks them out and systematically breaks them down in a calculated, uncaring sadistic manner. Does that help your question?

    • Jimmy

      September 28th, 2015 at 3:33 PM

      My situation is very complicated but fits everything explained in this article.. I started dating this girl who was everything I wanted at the time.. I just came out a really bad relationship and it was due to substance abuse that we split apart but all that is the past.. Then I met this girl who said she wanted to heal me and never hurt me.. Continuous reassurance that she won’t ever break my heart,just love me and etc.. Vonerable at the time I allowed her in. About a year later, both of us having ups and downs as every other relationship, even staying with her family months at a time and spent holidays with them. I seemed to be accepted by the family..after alot of planning and her convincing me of a perfect family, she fell pregnant with our child.. Suddenly her family ostracised me so the relationship took alot of strain. She started making promises to move in with me but when I would argue with her to stand up for us and then she would suddenly become distant.. After therapy for a week or two she started ignoring me and so I would react.. Eventually she knew how it effected me when I did tell her that hurt me the most. It became more frequent and I would react.. Mostly negatively over being really hurt and really confused. I continuously tried to ask her if we can do therapy together but she turned on me and said I need help which made me doubt myself and my morals , I kept explaining being ignored hurts me but she carried on for a reaction (which I foolishly did).. About 2 day’s before our baby was born after being ignored for most of the nine months of me trying everything I could,she had a psychologist letter attached to an attorney letter. Taking my surname from my child, 1:30 hours a week of supervised visitation and I couldn’t be present during birth etc.. She suddenly unblocked me but was cold.. I said an apology from my side for my reactions to the past months. She replied to me “discuss with lawyers when we talk about the situation” and she blocked me again.. I don’t know what to do anymore.. Ive been struggling with heart break after being ignored and I get highly emotional, please someone please tell me what’s best for me and my relationship with my child .. I am so afraid of her but I want to be there for my child.. She has made me look so bad and rumours she is spreading about me to break me down is causing alot of heartbreak.. Please help?

    • Miracles

      September 28th, 2015 at 9:36 PM

      Jimmy — I know it hurts, and it’s hard. Maybe you should do what she’s asking and leave her alone. Be cordial, visit the child. Sometimes no response IS a response. It’s difficult to give an objective opinion with no knowledge of her story about your situation. She has a T and perhaps is following that professional advice. Taking your name off the birth certificate is a major indication that she doesn’t want to deal with you. Sorry.

    • Lifeeverchanging

      October 1st, 2015 at 7:11 AM

      I am sorry to hear of your situation.

      Know that regardless of the situation, the conflict—you have a right to a relationship with your child. The child has a right to know their dad—this is a protected legal right. It makes no difference what her therapist says—she is not granted unilateral decision making over your child. Unfortunately her sense of entitlement is intimidating, hurtful and places you in a position of asserting your presence and involvement with the child in a legal setting. It is your right. It does not look good for the mother to deny access to a parent wishing to be involved—there must be grounds (with evidence) for this. The courts, however flawed, are attempting to place the best interests of the child ahead of parental conflict. This child being alienated from a parent from birth has a major impact on the child’s life, feeling wanted and accepted, feeling secure. Don’t give up. If you want to know your child focus on seeing the world through their eyes. The division and conflict with the mother is your adult responsibility—please don’t feel you should back down in this case just because she seems to be using the child as a means to hurt you. You both have a right to a relationship with your child—she had no right to call it for you. If you agree with it in your heart you will move forward with less weight on your shoulders and more clarity—if you don’t however, you owe it to yourself and your child to represent your truth. Stay strong and try not to get swallowed by the lies.

    • Colleen

      September 29th, 2015 at 5:08 PM

      Thank you for posting this article! I can’t tell you how much this meant to me. A few years ago a left a marriage after 13 years of being emotionally abused with severe silent treatments. I feel like the writer knew about my marriage and wrote about my ex husband and I. For years I lived with over the top reactions when I tried to communicate and work on the marriage. I am a very empathetic person and I could never understand how my genuine and kind efforts to discuss things or why expressing that I was hurt by something would be cause for “punishment” and continuous silent treatments that could last days at times. In the beginning I would always apologize after he was so convincing that I was wrong in doing so. I was a caring person and I didn’t want to feel like I hurt anyone. He would always punish me like I was a child and a “how dare you” attitude. He never compromised while my philosophy in life was always “compromise is the key”. I lived with years of being hurt and lonely and frustrated with feeling like I was always misunderstood. Fortunately, I began to build more strength and a strong desire to change my life and to be in better situation. I mustered every ounce of strength I had one day and filed for divorce. It was a very difficult process to go through. It is worth noting that my mother has a borderline personality disorder who also gives silent treatments. I married what I knew but not what I wanted. I have been in therapy with an amazing counselor that has been an angel in my life and healing and getting stronger every day. There has been more peace in my life that has been well deserved. People underestimate how much these horrible silent treatments hurt and how intentional they are. I never read much about the emotional abuse aspect and therefore I underestimated all that I have been through and what job he did on me. You only read about physical abuse or verbal attacks. I couldn’t explain to some what I went through. Many thought I just gave up too easily on the marriage which was far from the truth. I went to four counselors who were of some help but not good enough. He never wanted to go and eventually I was rowing a boat with one oar and going no where fast. I am so happy now to take care of myself and looking forward to enjoying the rest of life the way it should be – with contentment.

    • Catje

      October 1st, 2015 at 6:19 PM

      How my partner and I have conversations reminds me some of this silent treatment. When he initiates a conversation, he is very animated and makes constant eye contact with me. I always respond to him and comment and keep the conversation going. But when I initiate a conversation, very frequently he will completely ignore me; even to the point where he’s gotten up and walked away. It’s like talking to a brick wall. Or he’ll wait until I’ve spoken, for example about something I’ve done that day, then immediately start talking about what he’s done, at great length, never acknowledging what I’ve said. Or start talking about something else entirely. He doesn’t seem angry, and when I ask him why he doesn’t respond, he’ll say he’s thinking about something more important, or thinking on a “higher plane” (whatever that means). And then he will get angry when I ask him. This feels like the silent treatment you describe, is it? Thank you.

    • Anonymous

      October 5th, 2015 at 8:17 AM

      You can’t “break up” with your child. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage and it is had to see the man I love being constantly abuses by his own daughter. I have me turned to him her narcissistic tendencies. But I have to tread carefully. This man loves his children and is an awesome father, not perfect but loves unconditionally. For years this has gone on. She is all “I love you daddy” as long as he Green with everything and gives her what she wants, but the minute he tries to parent… she is gone. Won’t respond to texts or calls. He is shattered for weeks. Just when he starts to be normal again…I love you daddy is back as if nothing ever Happened. He won’t say anything because he is afraid she will shut him out again. She has severe entitlement issues and nothing we do is good enough. We bought her a car, wrong one, she refused to drive it. We buy her clothes, we have never seen her where them. She knows that all she has to do is ignore him and she will break his heart and more.. she doesn’t care. I have lived with seeing him like e this way for years. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating to see him being g abused by his own child. Bit how can I help him? She is his daughter, he loves her unconditionally as he should but he stays in a state of constant turmoil afraid to say or do the “wrong thing” now to top it off, she is pregnant with his very first grandchild. Already 8 weeks in and she is mad and no longer speaking to him. This will last for about a month or two and she will be back. Like nothing happened. Expecting her feet rubbed and to lay some serious spoiling on the Mom to be. I’m at my wits end. I love her but I don’t like her. She is cruel and truly does emotionally abuse him

    • carole

      October 7th, 2015 at 2:47 PM

      About 18 months after i met my husband i started to have doubts. He charmed me bought me clothes shoes chocs and i believed him when he told me he had a blood disorder which was life threatening.

      He swept me off my feet and i was in mad love but it didnt take long for me to realise there was something not quite right about him.

      At first it was little things however he always managed to upset me.

      He would ridicule me around friends but he was “only joking”.

      We married after 6 years and now been married 26 years.

      Im just about to start divorce procceedings, ive fought a losing battle for years and now know he has a mental health disorder wuth traites of both personality and passive aggressive disorder.

      For years i did not see it, i cant believe ive known this man for 32 years and have just realised he is mentally unstable.

      He gambled all his fathers money away and did not put a headstone of his grave.

      He refuses to contribute to our household running costs and shows no interest in our home.

      The turning point came after i realised he had started to stop speaking to me.

      I had noticed a few incidents prior but work and kids kept me busy so didnt think much of it.

      Then the 10 week silent treatment came.

      Id been aware he was quiet and asked him if id done something wrong to which he said with a tone to his voice ‘no’

      I decided to play him at his own game and see how long this childish behaviour continued, it was 10 weeks and ended after prior arrangements to see a band with a group of friends resulted in him totally ignoring me all night which did not go un noticed.

      I was in tears and took to the ladies at home time only to see him walking towards me end asking “is everything ok”

      I could not speak to him, i was humiliated upset and stressed about his behaviour.

      He told me later he had intended to ignore me but could not give me a reason why shrugging his shoulders.

      He has always treated me as his enemy and if i was happy it was as if id done something to him.

      On reflection, i am shocked ive allowed his unreasonable behaviour, i have no idea why as im a strong woman.

      I developed chronic fatique syndrome around 12 years ago and for 7 years i slept for days, 6 days was the longest and he had to tell me how diffucult my illness was for him. How hard he was finding our children and showed no empathy towards me. One time i had an attack which ladted for 3 days he only looked in on me once, he denies it but i know he left me without any food or drink for 2 days.

      I knew a long time he was very selfish, always making himself out to be the driving force behind my business.

      Our youngest son has mild autism and needs time out the home but his father never has time for his kids either.

      I now know in all the years we’ve been together everything is all about him.

      He is very critical and negative about me and takes great pleasure in seeing me fail yet is constantly looking for prase

      Ive overcome my illness and now back to being me, he hates me right now and finds fault with everything i do.

      I took my youngest son away in the summer for a week and by then he had been sleeping on the sofa for 18 months yet on our return he broke down and went from tears to accusing me of sleeping with everyone including my oldest sons friends.

      Because hes lost this control over me hes started to sit with hands in head looking forlorn wanting sympathy and our oldest son is feeling very sorry for his dad and asked me to talk to him.

      I should have left him years ago but have no answers. I just need him to leave. This propery is mine i pay every bill and the mortgage.
      We own a rental property jointly andvthe plan is hes moving into it but needs a couple of months.

      I just know it is not going to be that easy.

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      October 7th, 2015 at 3:47 PM

      Dear Carole,

      Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here.

      We have information about emotional abuse and spousal abuse here:
      https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-abuse.html
      And here:
      https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/spousal-abuse

      Information about what to do in a crisis is available here:
      https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

      If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can search for one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

      You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. Our support team is available and happy to assist you Monday through Friday, from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time. They can be reached at 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

      Kind regards,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      October 7th, 2015 at 4:05 PM

      Carole– your needs are very complex, including dealing with an abusive relationship and special needs parenting…depending on where you are located, I may be able to help you (those are both practice specialties of mine) — I also offer telehealth options for those who are geographically far — please feel free to email me directly — Best wishes, Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Browndog

      October 19th, 2015 at 6:38 PM

      For Susan who posted in January, 2015–
      I just saw your post last night and I am living this. My heart goes out to you. When devaluation begins, nothing comes out of a narcissist’s mouth but criticism. Their creative ability to cause pain with words and emotions is boundless. I went to counseling for months to discover if my need for physical and emotional support were abnormal. I learned that what is abnormal is believing that such needs are a sign of being weak and needy. It is the person who lacks capacity to feel who is a pathetic weaking. My sense of heartbreak and loss has gradually given way to my being really pissed at both myself for giving this narcissistic woman the credibility to influence my believing that such an asinine thing might be true, and her for promoting it. Like you, I felt heartbroken and depressed until I woke up. I was mourning the loss of a person that turned out not to really exist.I had never heard of narcissistic abuse until I started researching emotional neglect and then BANG. What I found describe her and my relationship to her to a T. Now, I cannot wait to be completely free of this toxic narcissist.

    • Evan

      October 20th, 2015 at 12:32 AM

      The worst is when as a grand finale, a female abuser uses the court as the ultimate weapon. After 2 years of abuse, I finally told her and her friends off and walked away. My punishment? A restraining order. While unemployed. Virtually guaranteeing I’ll not be able to get work. All I can hope for is a fair chance defending myself against a malicious smear campaign by emotionally immature girls 12 years my junior. This article explains exactly what I’ve gone through, and it’s been hell, and just got worse.

    • Browndog

      October 21st, 2015 at 9:33 AM

      Carole, I wonder if uncommon sleep positions are a symptom of some narcissistic NPDs? You noted your husband slept at the foot of the bed and gave you all sorts of reasons why. My spouse sleeps with her head under a blanket and pillow under a pillow and barricades herself from contact. I used to love to begin to go to sleep by cuddling with my arm around her. After we married, she soon rebuffed that and ended it. Long ago I found a web page that mentioned sleeping with a head under a blanket is a trait of a toxic personality, so sleeping under both a blanket and pillow might be an extreme case. I learned that her single mom that raised her kids and had little use for men did the same and her divorced daughter does same. Sleeping at the foot of the bed is a new one. Never kisses goodnight; never says good morning. Now looking back, I could see that she never initiated hugs, kisses, an “I love you” or ever gave a supportive comments other than in our early dating. She never reached out to hold hands or be touched–only didreach out when she wanted sex which was early on in the idealization phase. Soon after we married she set up a manic regimen of activities from early morning through evening so there was never time for us. I am supportive of all of her activities, and I can fill my day with mine easily. The deal breaker for me was the abusive treatment that constitutes 100% of the time we shared at home. She passed through the devaluation stage months ago and has been in the discard stage. Talk about silent treatment– she isolates herself with her computer, facebooks on it most of the time and watches online televised programs at the same time she is knitting. Attempts to get her to talk about anything relevant bring monosyllable answers, eye-rolling, scowls, criticisms, or labels. When I travel, I ask her to join me and she never does. I call her about every night, and when I last traveled and said “Hey…miss you, you could call me too sometimes” the response was “Why would I want to do that?” When I returned from my last trip I got in late I almost went to a motel because I knew she would be gone on her own trip the next day. I should have done that. Instead, I thought that I could quietly go to sleep in the guest room and not wake her. But she did wake up and started cursing and chiding me that I had woken her up–nothing like “welcome home,” “how was your medical treatment?,” “how was your visit with friends at the homecoming?”–just degrading comments about me and all concerns centered around her. She has currently gone to see friends in CA, been gone for over a week and has never called once, not even to let me know that she arrived safely. I am enjoying the wonderful peace, time with friends and our dog and laid back time that doctor advised to ensure good healing from my treatment. I hope she extends her visit for a long time. Am starting to look for a place of my own in a day or two after I finish projects that I am obligated to do by deadlines. Being married to and living with a narcissistic abuser is a state of not having a real home. Sorry about the length here–your description of what is happening to you is one that resonated too much with me. Hugs and best wishes for emerging from your nightmare into a bright happy life ahead.

    • carole

      October 23rd, 2015 at 1:13 AM

      Sounds a lot like my husband Brown dog. He started to sleep at the bottom of the bed during one of his silences if I remember correctly. His punishment to me for whatever he’d imagined I’d done. He also spent a lot more time in his workroom even eating his meals in there showing no interest in any of us. He would deny it of course but still continue. I then discovered he was using online gambling however i was unaware of the severity of it until he was financially desperate and had to tell me still playing it down and nothing he couldn’t control.
      I looked at him sitting on my bedroom floor looking all sorry for himself wanting me to be sympathetic and I just felt nothing.
      Over the years there’s been one thing after another, I was livid working my ass off keeping the business afloat running our home paying all the bills while he contributed very little financially yet thought nothing of gambling thousands and thousands…I’m living through another silent phase right now after being accused yet again of seeing another man..his ego won’t allow him to accept that it’s his fault I feel this way, I’m not emotionally attached to him so don’t defend myself.
      He would rather continue to live like we are even to the point where our youngest son is effected by his moods instead of sorting his life out and moving out. It’s as if he gets some sort of glee out of it. He’s not sorry only for himself. He knows he has to be gone before Christmas and he’s going to drag it out until the last minute.

    • Bobbi

      October 23rd, 2015 at 4:49 AM

      Me and my twin sister have always been very close, until recently when we had an argument. After a day or so, I apologized. She is refusing to talk to me. I’ve reached out several times via text and she will not respond. I am getting married in 8 weeks and need her love and support more than ever.
      We have never gone through anything like this and it’s breaking my heart. I don’t know what to do. We are both grown adults. She is married with children. This type of behavior seems so immature … HELP

    • Browndog

      October 23rd, 2015 at 8:39 PM

      Bobbi,
      Wow. It seems that if you just told her what you told us on this list, she should respond: “We have always been very close. I am getting married in 8 weeks and need your love and support more than ever. We have never gone through anything like this and it’s breaking my heart. I don’t know what to do.”
      We don’t know what the recent event was that caused your break (and do not need to know), but your sister seems extremely upset now. When we are that upset, it usually is best to call a break and not say anything until we get control over ourselves. If you send her what you provided for us, she may need to sit with this a while.

      Because you have been close for life, it does not sound like you could hold that long-term closeness if either of you was a hopelessly NP. All you can do now is reach out to tell her how you feel. Once you have done that, you have done what you could do. Her actions are her choices then. You will need to live your life and not get pulled down by her choice. At some point, she may realize that she will regret her own actions for life by silent-treating you and failing to support you at this time. Hope this ends happily for you both.

    • Kristin W.

      October 24th, 2015 at 9:53 AM

      Part of the therapeutic process is to continue to hash this out for as long as it takes and how admirable of Andrea Schneider to do this for her readers, clients, and friends. These predators know who they are and how they damage people. They’ll never reach the acclaim, love, attention they feel they so richly deserve. They are, in fact, caricatures of themselves in a sad, lonely, jealous, and depraved life. They age so badly. But don’t feel sorry for them. They have a choice to evolve and they simply take the easy road of self-delusion. Thank you Andrea for continuing to write about this subject. It helps the many that are too afraid and managed down to speak out.

    • Michelle

      October 26th, 2015 at 2:50 AM

      Kristin W- you are spot on!
      “They’ll never reach the acclaim, love, attention they feel they so richly deserve. They are, in fact, caricatures of themselves in a sad, lonely, jealous, and depraved life.”
      It’s terribly disturbing to watch how people like this will chose a path that involves tearing others down to appear to raise themselves up instead of actually trying to raise themselves up. The negative drama that surrounds people like this is a huge red flag. And thanks to Andrea and others who have been so dedicated in trying to help all of us recognize there traits- I can see this dynamic pretty clearly as it unfolds- wherever it unfolds. Thank you Andrea for your courage and strength in helping the rest of us identify this craziness when it presents itself!

    • Wren

      October 26th, 2015 at 3:12 PM

      Thank you for this wonderful article. Reading this helped me understand that I was groomed into a perfect target for narcissists, since my narcissistic biological father sexually abused me for many years as a young child, with my mother turning a blind yet angry, hateful eye. Ever since then I have tried to reason against emotional abuse with narcissists. What it has given me I refuse to return to my marriage, and my parents and sister, are currently 2 years into a silent treatment phase (because I spoke out about the sexual abuse). This time im glad they are all gone and i dont want them back anymore. I have started taking care of my looks and am being targeted almost daily by narcissistic men who want to have sex with me or own me. I’m saying NO like a toddler after finally learning healthy boundaries, and it sends the narcs into a silent RAGE. I’ve spent 15 years fixing my problems in therapy for my ex husband, while he sat on his arse blaming and complaining, only to find the only thing that had changed in the end was my understanding of the situation and my own behaviour. Dont waste another moment of your precious lives on narcissists, people. You will never feel as happy as the day you find your freedom and self love. I am working on my narcissist knockback lines, because I have absolutely 1000% run out of sympathy for these unethical, unhealthy, selfish, cruel abusers. No thank you to Narcissism, I’d rather enjoy my brief time on this rock spinning around in space!

    • Natalie

      October 27th, 2015 at 6:54 AM

      I read ur post and i must say congratulations for ur strenght, u are a real fighter, u are doing the right thing after a long time i realised too that its me who had to change and stop giving and trying to make things right i could understand myself and my situation , i got the same problem with narcissist guys using u and discarding u its what they want and if u say no they give u the silent treatment its insane the best is ignoring these abusers. Good luck with everything. Xx.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      October 27th, 2015 at 2:13 PM

      Most welcome, Wren…so glad the article resonated with you. Glad I could help. Thank you to Kristin and Michelle for your kind words. Indeed the narcissist is a sad caricature of him/herself…sad for them they don’t have the ability to self-reflect and make the necessary, enduring changes for healthy relationships. Andrea

    • Michelle

      October 27th, 2015 at 2:52 PM

      To Mike who posted on September 24th 2015:
      Dear Mike,
      I want to start by saying that I am very, very sorry for what this woman put you through. I truly hope that the therapist you are seeing now has helped you identify the trauma component to what you have been through. You were truly living in an emotional warzone- an environment where reality as you thought you knew it was turned completely upside down. The healing from emotional trauma takes time and is full of stops and starts as you make your way through a new understanding of what happened. As you have probably come to learn, that new understanding cannot happen without the important insight regarding the terrifying reality that there are manipulative predators who walk among us. And their biggest weapon in being able to wreak the havoc they cause is the overall lack of awareness in the general that these people even exist.

      One of the things that makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the manipulation is typically played out with victims who are very trusting, honest, compassionate, reliable, hardworking people. Most survivors of this type of abuse have a very keen sense of self responsibility and are quick to accept blame even when it is not theirs to accept. In healthy relationships where this trait is shared by both people involved, this ability to look critically at our own behavior can become the cornerstone of very trusting, long lasting relationships. However, with people who lack the ability to look critically at themselves (and instead look outwardly to find blame for their own shortcomings) this can spell disaster. And what I have found is that people like your ex seek out people like us because we are willing to put in whatever it takes to make a relationship work. And when something goes wrong, we immediately look at our own behavior to see if we are the cause of the problems. People like your ex have learned that people like us make for very easy targets. We see the world and other people as being like us- caring, compassionate, trusting, hardworking. It doesn’t occur to us (until we have been hurt this way) that there are people in the world who lack empathy and remorse.

      The fact that your ex is a therapist is very concerning. It is incredibly unlikely that her destructive behavior was isolated to just how she treated you. Unfortunately, pathological narcissists can be found in most every profession. However there are some professions that, due to the inherent power and trust that is implied in professional relationships, can be more attractive to malignant narcissists. The mental health profession is no exception. In my work with survivors of therapist abuse I have heard many heartbreaking stories of this same type of emotional manipulation. As long as narcissistic abuse remains so poorly understood and recognized, I expect that this type of abuse in therapeutic situations will continue- unchecked.

      One piece of wisdom I would like to share with you before I stop “talking” is a book that made a tremendous difference in my own ability to heal after what I went through. The book is Staling the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie France Hirigoyen. In it, the chapter entitled “The Victim” was the first glimpse I ever got that perhaps I got sucked into this nightmarish hell because of my strengths, not because I was weak. That was a huge turning point for me in healing.
      Stay strong, my friend,
      Michelle

    • Browndog

      October 27th, 2015 at 9:17 PM

      Mike,
      Holy cow–what you went through is astounding. Check out the September 18 entry in the archives at the After Narcissistic Abuse WordPress-hosted site. The article is “What Happens When Targets Aren’t Believed.” You are not alone, as you may see from comments section. When men are the victims, we already have two strikes against us, and your therapist-predator seemed full aware of it in the way she recruited the courts and police to serve as her own flying monkeys while she tried to disguise herself as the victim. I hope things are better for you a month later.

    • Browndog

      October 27th, 2015 at 9:21 PM

      Michelle, thanks for your post and the book recommendation. Publisher does not allow it on Kindle so I ordered paper copy.

    • Michelle

      October 29th, 2015 at 1:11 PM

      Browndog,
      You are very welcome! I just loving reading your responses to survivors here. You can tell you have made it very far through the healing process! Big hugs to you!

    • Browndog

      October 27th, 2015 at 9:54 PM

      Carole,
      Hope things get better for you soon. Thanks so much for your story and comments. They helped me.

      I’ve found that silent treatments can be the N’s own poison pill. They will invoke all kinds of fabricated reasons why they are carrying out their abuse, but one characteristic is always there–it is always about them –their peace, their justification, their sprituality. There is never a thought of its impact on those whoare hurt simply because we about them and on on whom they unleash this emotional abuse . The end result is that it eventually drains us of ability to care what they think or do. Excuses to justify silent treatment are as vacuous as the excuses to enact thermonuclear war.

      If I read one more person on these sites trying to justify silent treatment as their enacting of “no contact” in the home, I think I will puke. No contact is what we enact when we are on our own. No one has to live with it or its effects who does not try to disrespect our space. The people living in shared space under the same roof don’t have that choice. It’s like radiation–odorless, silent, invisible and 100% fatal to the spirits of all who get overexposed to it.

    • carole

      October 28th, 2015 at 9:30 AM

      Hi again Browndog
      You share my thoughts exactly. It’s effected my son who is now worried his dad might kill us in our sleep. I simply can not allow him to live in our house. I’ve an appointment to seek legal advice on Monday, I feel weak and worn out with the stress of it all and yesterday afternoon was another tirade of abuse from him.
      Apparently I’ve been discussing his personal business. I don’t know who with or what I’ve said and all our mutual friends know we are not together. For some reason I don’t feel as strong today as I have felt but thankfully he’s giving me the silent treatment again. At least I don’t have to speak to him.

    • Evan

      October 28th, 2015 at 10:32 AM

      Going through what Mike did, have been a victim of my ex-girlfriend for the last 2 years, and never once stood up for myself, only did the desperate emailing asking why/what/who in the midst of lies and silent treatment and social exclusion and stonewalling and slander and mocking and sabotage. Until about a month ago, when I realized who I was dealing with, and finally stood up for myself when I saw her out with her friends. Of course it was intense, 2 years of emotion came out in a 5-word vulgar sentence in the span of 3 seconds and then I gave her the finger and walked away. I finally felt emotionally disengaged and felt a burden lifted as I proceeded to go on with my life unconcerned with her or ever talking to her again. Until….a month later I get served a restraining order. Now I have to appear in court this coming Monday, with seemingly no defense other than my stories of her narcissistic abuse, while her and her flying monkey roommates who were her accomplices in all of this sit there and most likely lie their butts off while playing the victim. All because I finally had something to say about it. Never threatened anyone, had never even yelled with her before, we had never even had an argument that involved yelling, let along any fear of physical aggression or any other threat. So far every community center I’ve gone to for counseling/legal support has turned me away, because I’m the “perpetrator” in the TRO. I can’t afford a lawyer, and really have no clue what to do. She is willing to exploit her gender and use the court as a weapon to cast her final abusive blow and literally try to ruin my professional and personal life over that. I’m in shock and don’t know what to do.

    • Browndog

      October 28th, 2015 at 12:57 PM

      Evan,
      There must be some evidence for what made made you so angry. If this person has been your ex for two years but this person has been working through that time to injure your reputation, there should be some basis for that. The worst mistakes we make is when a NP pushes our buttons and we start to “mirror” them by responding in kind. If we do not do this with others, it may mean we have started taking in their toxins. If we do this with others, then we have to worry about how we are causing this. I am painfully aware of my failing in efforts not to respond in kind, so this is no one-up message. About all that you can do in the court is to explain what led to your telling her off in public and express a desire for no contact. After that, exercising no contact sounds like the best choice that you can make.

    • Evan

      October 28th, 2015 at 5:12 PM

      Thanks, and to clarify I’ve known her for 2 years. One year as an emotionally abusive girlfriend, then a year as an abusive “friend” (sometimes with benefits if it suited her) after we reconciled when she broke up with the guy she lied to me about when we were together. She convinced me to trust her, apologized for the behavior, admitted she could see how it could be seen as cruel or torture, summarily threw her roommates under the bus as scapegoats that sabotaged us and manipulated her behavior. Then guess what? The whole cycle over again. And I get ghosted again with no answers left holding the emotional bag as she moved on to yet another guy/victim. My telling her off WAS my going no contact, but figuratively dropping that emotional bag she left me holding at her feet as I disengaged for good. All I wanted was an explanation, to move forward with some understanding and peace, not animosity. She wouldn’t have it, didn’t have an ounce of empathy, kindness, respect or anything. I gave up way too much in all this, and deserved to express myself and my pain if she couldn’t do that and thought I was her door mat she could toss without hearing what her behavior feels like.

    • Browndog

      October 28th, 2015 at 3:00 PM

      Carole, sorry to hear you are having a down day. Their treatment of us exhausts us. If you or your son fear for your safety, you a should get some local advice about access to a local shelter. My day wasn’t great either, but I’m just upset after more deprecation and I’m just down, not living in fear. Above all, stay safe.

    • Browndog

      October 28th, 2015 at 9:23 PM

      Evan,

      I am so sorry for what you have been through. It does sound like something I experienced, and most others on here probably have too. My gut sense tells me that you must have loved her deeply to have hung in there for two years under those circumstances. The pain of grief caused by loss of a loved person is very real, even when the person herself turns out to be something very different.

      I think that makes this kind of loss much more painful than a breakup between two people both of whom can feel empathy and love. In that latter case, there is closure. In the cases we lived, it was as if the person we loved probably died but vanished. We lost that person we loved with no closure. We are tortured with our hope that they are somehow still alive–inside the body of that real person who just looks like the person we loved who is gone. We are then living the nightmare.

      In reality, we are grieving over the loss of an emotional retard who is incapable of caring. But grief doesn’t go away simply because we have new knowledge, awareness or insight. Knowing the evil of MS Hyde cannot heal our loss of MS Jekyl. We get to choose how we feel about some things, but grief is not one of them. We have to find our own way out of this to heal. Returning to whatever, people and places we enjoyed together hold the constant reminders of our loss that can rip our hearts open again. That is why no contact seems the only path out of the nightmare. No contact is painful too, but it offers time to see how not to fall for the same kind of person.

      Until Monday, my other idea (I don’t have expertise to grace this thought with the label of “suggestion”) is try to think about how you might view this from the standpoint of the court. What might be their concerns? My guess is that safety for her weighs high, but safety for you should be a priority too. Safety perhaps includes safety from having both your reputations slandered. Is it possible that you could ask for mutual NC and that NC include court-ordered abstention from discussing each other on social media? I don’t know. Realize that you cannot afford a lawyer, but if there is a university with a law school nearby, someone there such as a law student might be able to advise you. Hope all turns out well Monday, and that you heal well.

    • Mike

      October 29th, 2015 at 2:05 AM

      Michelle,

      Thank you for responding to my post. I have found these types of forums and communicating with others with similar experiences to be very therapeutic in addition to my regular counselor. While I cannot seem to undo the literal damage that has occurred, I have been moving steadily in a more positive mental direction and rebuilding my self-esteem and confidence little by little every day. Some days are better than others. This experience sure makes one re-evaluate whom to trust and be much more cautious/suspicious of other peoples motives. How I wish I had never been in such a situation but as you noted, like many people, I was never truly aware people like this existed outside of television or the news. I will definitely check out the book you have recommended. Thanks again.

      -Mike

    • Michelle

      October 29th, 2015 at 1:08 PM

      Mike,
      I am so happy that you saw my reply. I was worried it would get lost in the sea of important comments survivors are posting here. I wanted to let you know that I also maintain a survivors forum on Facebook for survivors of narcissistic abuse. It is called Narcissistic Victim Syndrome -Hope For Victims and Survivors. I try to keep it current with important articles and information from the people at the forefront of advocating for increased awareness about narcissistic abuse. And yes, our Andrea is one of them!

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      October 29th, 2015 at 8:47 AM

      @BrownDog — I think you are brave to post about your situation. This is a really tough subject, and not a lot has been written about females with narcissism — it’s great you are bringing light to this concern and offering support to men who have experienced narcissistic abuse…sending you healing wishes, Andrea

    • Mike

      October 29th, 2015 at 2:30 PM

      Browndog and all men on this page in particular. There is a page I follow on Facebook called the female narcissist. I kinda like it. Whoever runs it really relates to men who have been in a relationship with a female narcissist. There’s a few other good ones too but are more generalized. I saw your comments back to me too Browndog. Thanks for caring. It is rare to see men talking about it. I think men in particular are kinda taught to accept a certain level of irrationality or erratic behavior from people they are in relationships with, at least I was. And I think it came from my mother and sisters growing up. Being told things like, it’s just women’s mood or whatever and to shrug it off. Men aren’t told to protect themselves in harmful relationships or to involve the police. “A real man can handle it.” But with a narcissist you will always lose unless you are really on top of what in reality is going on. From I can tell many don’t figure this out until it’s too late. By then the system has been manipulated to work against them.

    • Browndog

      October 29th, 2015 at 7:51 PM

      Andrea, Michelle, and Mike–
      Thank you so much for your reaching out.
      I do not feel at all brave coming from where I am. I have sadness, and I struggle to stay out of being pulled into depression. Michelle, rather than being far along in the process, I am only feeling like I maybe am emerging from the worst of grieving the loss of the woman I loved. That loss surely is not gone. I still feel that grief even though I now recognize and accept that she was not real. When the deprecation comes, I do not yet feel rejection of the person she iso much as I feel sadness in the way we should be spending our time together in enjoying friends together, hugs, cuddles, walks with our dog, yard and house stuff together, and to be sure ,alone time and time for our separate interests too. There is nothing safe any more for me other than alone time and separate interests. It is not a way to live, at least for me. If I feel or appear stronger than I think I am, it is because I have gained support from others here, both men and women, who are hurting just as badly as me and usually far worse. I have gained so much support from your courage to share your experiences.

      Yesterday I gained a new insight. I had heard of the effects of narcissistic abuse as being like those of PTSD. Although I have never been in a war zone and would never claim to have that disorder, I learned yesterday how reacting to an abuser would definitely lead to a similar runaway reaction, much as a veteran might experience after an unexpected noise or movement. Yesterday after weeks of silent treatment, my NW started talking about some things a service center had found wrong with her car, one being possibly caused by an off-road trip. As soon as I heard the phrase, “you are the only one who takes it off road…” I already anticipated that a creative way to hurt me was forthcoming, and that I was being berated for driving her cart alone, which I never do. The adrenaline started running through me like electric shock. Immediately I received her thanks for my validating her judgment that I am too sensitive, a common dismissal used as an invalidation. I just needed to get out of the house after I saw myself starting to respond in kind.

      After I had some recovery time, I realized that I HAD presumed too much of the intent was negative, and she was right– I had moved too quickly into defensiveness before pausing to hear the entire message. I went back home, admitted that was the case and apologized. It made no impression on her, but at least I felt progress in seeing and taking responsibility for my part. By writing about it here, I hope not to respond in kind again. Screwing up by reflex- reacting made me realize my vulnerability though, and the undesirable ways the abuse toxin has been changing me in bad ways.

      These assaults, and they are assault, eventually take a physical toll. I could feel the impact from the adrenaline and heart pounding. It drove home the lesson to me that prolonged emotional abuse, like silent treatment, really IS physical abuse. The damage is just internal, to the blood vessels and organs where no one can see it. There is no law against such abuse and no protection from it, as Mike noted.

      Emotional abuse is deadly, and lack of protection for this does not seem to exist for victims who are women or men. Admitted–men rarely need to worry about overt physical abuse, which is evil to its core and is not being trivialized here. From reading about NP, they do not tend to “act out” on their victims in public. I don’t know whether health providers, if better trained, might see the signs building up in things like unexplained heart irregularities and blood pressure spikes.

    • Michelle Mallon

      October 30th, 2015 at 5:41 AM

      Mike and Browndog,
      I think that it is incredibly unfair that male survivors of narcissistic abuse do not have the same level of support when it comes to healing from this type of abuse. And just knowing how much it infuriates me that any survivor (male or female) of this type of abuse faces an uphill battle just getting accurate information about what this is and how to heal from it, the fact that for men there is even less support is even more infuriating. I would like to point out that by being here on this comment board, you are both helping male survivors find that voice. Just knowing how much getting any information out to the public about narcissistic abuse is a “grass-roots” effort, I have a feeling that helping male survivors feel more supported is going to take the same approach. It is going to start and grow through people like you both. Your courage and strength can and will help so many other survivors! Please do not let your voices only be heard here on this board. Survivors’ forums on Facebook that are being run by genuinely helpful people will be grateful for your assistance in helping men find their voices too. And I truly believe that this will not only be beneficial to make survivors but it will be important for the full scope of the devastation that is narcissistic abuse to be delivered to the rest of the world. In some places, there are incredibly skewed ideas about the whether or not there are as many narcissistic women as there are men. I believe that has led to huge misconceptions about what narcissistic abuse even is. Your stories, your journeys have to be heard. There are many, many men suffering in silence because they do not yet have a voice. I know this pain personally because I watched my own husband go through it with his mother. For the longest time, neither one of us knew what a narcissistic mother was. We only knew that we were unable to ever make her “happy” with what we did. It was never enough. Once we did learn what narcissistic abuse was, I was shocked to begin to learn the extent of what my husband had been through. He had suffered in silence because the guilt and shame that were used to control him were so insidious and had been instilled in him from such a young age that it had almost paralyzed him completely. He has been No Contact with his family for almost 4 years now and he is a very different man than he used to be. I know how much learning about maternal narcissism has changed his life. And I am certain that there are many, many more people out there who need to hear your stories to recognize their own struggles so they can find the currently hidden path to healing.

      I would be honored to have both of you help me communicate the articles and resources that have helped you both begin to heal from this to the survivors who come to my Facebook group to find accurate information to help them heal.

      Michelle Mallon MSW, LSW
      Facebook: Narcissistic Victim Syndrome- Hope For Victims and Survivors

    • Browndog

      October 30th, 2015 at 10:23 AM

      Michelle, when you shared: “We only knew that we were unable to ever make her “happy” with what we did. It was never enough. Once we did learn what narcissistic abuse was, I was shocked to begin to learn the extent of what my husband had been through. He had suffered in silence … it had almost paralyzed him completely.”

      In reading posts from other men, the ones that often stick are those where they disclose lack of any positive support from their wives or significant others. “YOU can’t please ME!” seems to be a recurrent but unspoken mantra. I read of NA in the workplace, and the same unspoken mantra of bad managers who kiss up and kick down seems there too. But facing this daily in the home is far worse.

      I noticed that my inability to please began in the devaluation stage with emotional and physical neglect (not talking sex here, but affectionate touch and comments). If I am at all typical of other men, then that is when we men start to doubt ourselves with thoughts of: “Am I too needy?” “Am I too sensitive?” “Am I too dense or insensitive to understand what she wants?” When I do not remember things in the same way she does, and she labels me a liar, Am I a liar without knowing it?” “Am I really repulsive? Disgusting?” At the bottom of the pit lies “Am I a narcissist who needs to be stroked?”

      I took all of these questions to a therapist who it happened I found on “GoodTherapy” and I REALLY wanted to find answers. I already knew that my marriage was headed into crisis and I asked my wife to go with me to a counselor. She refused to go but affirmed to me: “There is something wrong with your brain.” So I went alone truly eager to learn and opened myself. I learned that I was not a narcissistic person, was low on any tendencies toward entitlement, but was in some danger of depression because of the way I was living rather than from my innate predisposition.

      A male child growing up with this treatment from a mother is unlikely to be able to get any help. Mothers themselves doing this may not perceive what they are doing. Michelle, as you say, we need to learn the pattern to look for before we can see what is happening.

      We men really take this in, because the person conveying “You cannot please me” is the primary person in our lives. We open ourselves up to her in ways we open to no other. We give our women, mothers, wives, intimate girl friends, that credibility on a platter because we believe in them. We do not demand that they “earn” this credibility nor do we “test” them. We believe in them. We want their love, support, to share happiness together and also to join them in cooperation to deal with some of life’s bad challenges. They are the most important people in our lives, and what they tell us is important. It has impact –severe impact both for good and for evil. Like women, we want to know we are seen as credible partners.

      Women, please believe that this is what normal men want. We do not want adulation, mindless agreement, subjugation, or to keep you from your careers, friends and interests. In fact your doing things that you want is one of the important ways that we see you as beautiful–just in watching your doing them. People—men and women alike—deserve to feel valued. When you invite us to participate or just sometimes watch things that you do, we feel valued. When truly neglected, devalued, and gaslighted, it takes from us men our ability to be supportive of you along with our ability to take care of ourselves. We hate that. Under prolonged neglect and devaluation, men, just like women, will make terrible decisions as part of the paralysis that Michelle mentions.

      BTW, Michelle. You husband was so lucky to have found you as his wife!

    • Michelle

      October 30th, 2015 at 11:58 AM

      Browndog,
      Even though it looks like my most recent message was written after you wrote the reply on 10/29@7:51pm, I don’t think it “appeared” until this morning after I replied again. I am saying this so my response from earlier today doesn’t seem superficial since it doesn’t address any of what you said right before I posted it.

      Browndog, I want you to know that you are absolutely on the right track to reclaiming your identity and your life after this kind of abuse (and I agree with you- it is very much abuse and it is an assault. There may not be any bruises, but the reality is there is much devastation with this kind of abuse. The lack of any physical marks or bruises only results in us being less likely to identify that it is abuse.) The agonizing feeling of just utter devastation and loss going through this feels crippling. I can remember thinking I would NEVER be able to get through it. And yet here I am- whole again. It took a very long time to get here and I learned so much in the process of getting here. I oftentimes think about how lucky I was to even find this path to healing considering how difficult it is to learn that there are people like this in the world. It is knowing that had I not stumbled upon the right social media site when I was desperately searching for answers that keeps me visiting comment blogs and social media forums trying to help other survivors find the road to healing. The only reason I made it through was because survivors before me held out a torch to light that hidden path.

      There is absolutely a trauma component to this kind of abuse and it is frequently overlooked by mental health providers. I have actually had survivors reach out to me who have said, “My therapist told me that what I am feeling can’t be related to trauma because I wasn’t raped and I wasn’t attacked. He said trauma is a one-time thing.” And that is incredibly upsetting! The psychological abuse that survivors have endured is often times so insidious and destructive and yet the survivors have been made to believe that THEY are the reason for their difficulties (being told “You are too sensitive”, “It’s your fault I act this way”, etc again and again until they begin to believe it. You seem to be keenly aware now of the physiological changes that occur in your body when you are confronted with this crazy logic. It is important that you continue to listen to your body when you sense this happening. These are red flags that will become the foundation of you setting up healthy boundaries. The sad part is that you probably felt those things before when your NW initially started behaving that way towards you. But over time, you silenced those alarm bells because you believed you just needed to be more patient and understanding with her. In fact, probably other people even encouraged you to silence those alarm bells because they thought they were giving helpful advice. Until a person encounters another human being who can project and destroy the way a narcissist can, they have no idea how damaging this advice can be. I noticed in your earlier message you said “After I had some recovery time, I realized that I HAD presumed too much of the intent was negative, and she was right”. The truth is that when you are dealing with your NW, you never know how much of her intent is really negative. If you had to rely on her admitting she was being negative, she would tell you she was never being negative. That inability to really know for sure what her intent might be is a byproduct of her own manipulative behavior and refusal to interact with you as a genuine person. So I would like to reframe the interaction you had with her- you did not screw up. You reacted in a way that matches the abuse she has perpetrated on you that she hides under a layer of abuse and ambiguity. And you are not going to get a confession from her that she did in fact say what she said to upset you. She is going to claim she was innocently pointing out something she believed to be true and that you misinterpreted it. I have a feeling that elsewhere in your life you do not have such difficulty “reading” people. And I would be willing to bet that most of the people who have come to this board for support can identify with that exact interaction you just mentioned. We have all seen that “episode” of narcissistic abuse play out a thousand times- except with us as the person in the show. It’s a rerun of the same old narcissistic drama that we have all come to know so well.

      Emotional abuse is incredibly deadly. And it is very important that people like you continue to speak up about your experiences. This type of abuse is terrifyingly common. There are people all around the world who know the pain and devastation of this abuse but still have no idea that they have been set up to fail in these relationships. I attended a workshop a couple of weeks ago with Eleanor Payson, author of the book, “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists”. It was a wonderful experience. Probably the thing that really got to me was hearing the stories of other survivors from so many different backgrounds of abuse. Parental narcissism is so common but yet so poorly understood by most mental health professionals. It was beautiful to be with these survivors as they were beginning their journeys to healing armed with the knowledge that they hadn’t failed at all in these relationships. They were in relationships where it was impossible to ever succeed. And they were beginning to break free from some of the guilt and shame of never having been “good enough”. It makes me start to tear up just thinking about it.

      But I have to confess, I haven’t known about narcissistic abuse for all that long- just about 3 years now. For a long time, I had no idea how to help my husband. And what was even worse- he didn’t know how to help himself either. Neither one of us had any idea just how destructive this type of abuse was. It was only after I was nearly killed by a narcissistic (and quite possibly sociopathic) psychologist that I had taken my two young children to see for counseling that I began to learn what narcissistic abuse was. As I began to heal from this terrifying emotional abuse, I began to recognize some of the same paralyzing behaviors in my husband and even my children. As I began to make sense of all of this, I was able to help my husband recognize why he was feeling the way he was. And I have to tell you that seemed to ease his mind so much. It scared the hell out of him to not know what was going on inside him. I knew that feeling because I had felt it before.

      Please keep surrounding yourself with people who have been through this and “get it”. It makes recovery a lot less lonely.

      Hugs, my courageous friend,
      Michelle

    • Browndog

      October 30th, 2015 at 11:39 PM

      Michelle,
      I took some mental health days from my NW, told her so, did not ask permission, and am doing a road trip which is kinda meditative. This might be short as a result., but none of your responses have or do seem artificial, no matter what the sequence.

      —————————–
      You noted: “You reacted in a way that matches the abuse she has perpetrated on you that she hides under a layer of abuse and ambiguity. And you are not going to get a confession from her that she did in fact say what she said to upset you. She is going to claim she was innocently pointing out something she believed to be true and that you misinterpreted it. I have a feeling that elsewhere in your life you do not have such difficulty “reading” people. And I would be willing to bet that most of the people who have come to this board for support can identify with that exact interaction you just mentioned. We have all seen that “episode” of narcissistic abuse play out a thousand times- except with us as the person in the show. It’s a rerun of the same old narcissistic drama that we have all come to know so well. ”
      ——————————-

      Wow. Wow! It is almost as if you had bugged our later conversation. She began proposing that I had these reactions from others. As you perceived, I do not have such communication problems with others. I responded that my interchanges with her were unique.

      I know that I will never get either any admission or apology from my NW. I realized months ago that the parts of her brain that recognize good reasons to do either just are not wired into the system. Being able to see my part that I could have done better affirms for me that these parts of my brain are intact and functional. I do not expect fixing me to translate into fixing her. Still, since no exchange with an NP will yield any collaborative benefit, I can at least salvage some reflective training time to look at myself from these encounters. Afterwards, I will be better, and the NP will emerge still “knowing all” and learning nothing.

      A follow-up event occurred when I asked if we were meeting to eat after our separate classes for dinner, which we usually do on Thursday nights. The response was “We will have to see.” So I pushed in accord with what I saw in your words was refusal “…to interact with you as a genuine person.” I simply said: “That was an obtuse answer. Are you going to me there or not?” As I anticipated, there was the rage and an hour later the anticipated narcissist action of not meeting “because of the way we are at odds.” I went alone after my class, enjoyed the time alone, and wrote my post last night to this list.

      I have seen the word “obtuse” more than once in reference to the answers and responses NP give. In my experience, obtuse answers are their M.O. Answering questions with questions, as in “Did I say that?!” is a template response trotted out to avoid meaningful communication. In short, you nailed it. You are absolutely reading this exchange for what it is. Thanks!

    • Sue H

      October 31st, 2015 at 8:06 PM

      Not all silent treatments are about you committing abuse sometimes that is the only thing you can do when abused. I have had my husband say devastating things to me in public and then when you leave he will say “oh I guess I shouldn’t have said that”. How do you speak after that all you can do is keep to your self. The silent treatment is not always about trying to get someone to comform sometimes it is the only course of action to protect your self emotionally

    • Browndog

      November 1st, 2015 at 7:33 AM

      Sue,

      Sorry to hear of your being mistreated in that way. It had to be hurtful, and you must have felt too stunned to engage. When I read your post, I was thinking a proper response might have been “Damned right you should not have said that! Do you have any idea how hurtful and destructive that is? The only good is that you just disclosed that you yourself suspect it was wrong of you to say that. In all honesty, I wish you could feel the hurt that I felt just so that you could know just how very wrong that was. Right now, I am so hurt that I am too upset to even talk more about this–so time out.”

      When we are the victims, we are easily paralyzed and cannot bring our resources to do or say what might deal effectively with the moment. Withdrawal may be all we can do.

      Withdrawal is what I believe that I am doing now physically with a mental health road trip this weekend. I am letting my NW know each evening where I am and checking that she is ok. That is by text so that there is minimal opportunity for abuse, which includes refusal to answer a phone in silent treatments. But I have physically withdrawn for a few days because I could feel the physical symptoms in my body and figured that I would be back with the heart irregularities if I didn’t get distance from silent treatment punctuated only by negative comments and criticisms.

      I see silent treatment as different from withdrawal. You reported being devastated by verbal abuse that you cannot engage with. In your way, it sounds as if you moved into withdrawal. In our different ways, you and I may be doing the same things, so I truly hope that what we are doing is not abuse.

      Silent treatment, to me, (hope our more knowledgeable moderators will give us some help on these boundaries) seems different from brief withdrawal to pull self together. Silent treatment is long-term. It seems an effort to isolate the victim who has been rejected, to make the home not a home, to drive the victim away, or maybe even intending for the victim to die from stroke or heart attack imposed by prolonged stress. To me, that is assault, not a withdrawal. After withdrawal, it seems a healthy person will approach their partner and state they need to talk about it–now if the partner is able, and a bit later if the partner needs to think more on it before discussing. The person who enacts withdrawal knows not to let it progress into toxic prolonged silent treatment.

      From what I read on these sites, silent treatment cannot hurt a NP. Silent treatment hurts only the person who wants normal interaction and normal affection. Healthy individuals reach out for those things, and are hurt in doing so by narcissistic partners’ silent treatments.

      In my experience, NPs like to pretend, even rationalize to themselves, that they are denying intimate communication, affection and normal interaction as a kind of self-defense, when they really are starving their partners of affection and enjoying doing so. The NP will NOT go to counseling to resolve this if a victim asks her/him to do so as a way to restore a healthy home environment. Instead, the NPs will go to their flying monkeys for encouragement to step up the abuse.

    • Laurie

      November 15th, 2015 at 4:00 PM

      Hi Browndog,
      I wanted to clarify that A Narcissist can not tolerate the silent treatment being done to them.

      It makes them feel small, worthless and insignificant.

      Have you ever done one to your abuser?

      They will whip themselves into a frenzy to get your attention. Do horrific back stabbing things or call the police on you.

      They really cannot take what they dish.

      I read all of this on well-established web presences about Personality Disorders and from personal experience.

    • Michelle M.

      November 1st, 2015 at 5:37 PM

      Sue and Browndog,
      I believe that what Browndog has just described is a very eloquently worded explanation of what might look the “same” on the surface, but is very, very different underneath. I think he is 100% spot on with what he has explained. And I have a feeling that you have probably even been accused of giving this person the “silent treatment” because you failed to speak. But the truth is that the reasons for this failure are very, very different. The withdrawal that Browndog mentions is incredibly common for survivors of this kind of abuse. You have been through so much and you have likely tried everything you can think of to effectively communicate with your husband. All of the things that you have probably tried in the past to bridge the gap between you and someone else are not effective with your husband. Anytime you try to be genuine and honest, you are likely met with verbal assaults and warped thinking that leave you in a tail spin for days, perhaps weeks. This whole process of being undermined at every turn in trying to reconcile these differences (and even being covertly “punished” for your honesty and attempts to be genuine) results in something called “learned helplessness”. It is a feeling of overall paralysis that results in being damned if you do and damned if you don’t. No matter what you do, you lose.

      Learned helplessness and the realization that no matter what you do (unless it is to “buy into” your husband’s warped reality of the “problem” which will ultimately leave you all to aware that you failed yourself) you will not make the situation any better is an important distinction for you to feel. It is, in fact, this very feeling that will hopefully begin to elicit in you a response that indicates that you cannot change the situation because it is not yours to change instead of leaving you feeling that you have been a failure at coming up with some magical solution that will make your husband happy but not sacrifice your own integrity.
      Hugs to you Sue,
      Michelle

    • Browndog

      November 1st, 2015 at 8:52 PM

      Michelle, thanks for helping to clarify for us the difference between silent treatment as an assault and withdrawal as a practical mechanism to resort to for survival. Your statement: “Anytime you try to be genuine and honest, you are likely met with verbal assaults and warped thinking that leave you in a tail spin for days, perhaps weeks. This whole process of being undermined at every turn in trying to reconcile these differences ….” really helped me. It precisely describes my experience and feelings. One thing your post made clear for me: if I find that in the long term I am the person reaching out for reconciliation and I am being undermined by refusal to communicate, I AM experiencing silent treatment, which is abuse. I am NOT experiencing another person’s withdrawal, despite what this person uses to try to rationalize his/her actions as reclaiming peace or spirituality or practicing from integrity. These actions when exercised repeatedly in a long-term pattern are really those that seek to kill the spirit. I am more confident now that the difference is knowable.
      Sue, thanks for sharing your story. It was especially timely for me while I am on this self-imposed retreat to be challenged to think about where the boundaries between silent treatment and withdrawal lie.

    • chavj

      November 2nd, 2015 at 1:27 AM

      Please help me understand my situation. I really loved my N and now started 3rd year of relationship. In two years he broke up with me after every five days in insecurity issues and was overly possesove that I couldn’t talk to any guy friends. I did alot for him like spending money aborting his baby thrice and still he will break up no matter what the situation is. Now we spent a good date and did everything. In morning all of sudden he checked my watsapp and got offended by my friendly chats and checks my Facebook. He deleted most of fb guy friends and my pics with friends where I wore a dress he never leallowrd. He physically abused me alot even with belt took out money from mt purse and pushed me out of his house 10 days before . I was physical hurt and cried alot but he pushed me out. Since then he is putting romantic watsapp status (which he did in all break up) and now he has started putting pictures with his team and girls on watsapp and Facebook . I had a heart attack seeing thode happy pictures with he holding girls in each hand from his team. I better die. Please I beg you to make me understand why is he doing that? I should have gone to his place by now in anger but I haven’t. Pleasr HELP

      Wr×/

    • Michelle Mallon

      November 2nd, 2015 at 12:29 PM

      Chavj,
      I’ll be really honest with you, I can’t answer the question about why this man treats you so badly. There is no reason on earth why anyone should treat another human being so badly. And even if I could come up with a reason, I don’t know that it really matters. You should not be treated this way regardless of the reason. It sounds like you have been very patient and understanding with him and you have held out the hope that this patience and understanding would eventually help him to change his behavior. However, that has not happened. I have a feeling that the person you were before you met him would not ever have envisioned allowing someone to treat you so badly. The really sad part of Narcissistic abuse is that survivors of it oftentimes recount personal stories of having given literally EVERYTHING they had to try and make the other person happy and it was NEVER enough. That is the hallmark characteristic, I believe, of a Narcissistic relationship- one person gives everything they have believing that it will eventually be enough. But the truth is that we are set up to fail in these types of relationships- there is NEVER enough that anyone can give. This man is killing your spirit and eroding your identity. I strongly urge you to read the book “Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie France Hirigoyen. I have read this several times and I truly believe it is the reason why I have been able to heal. I think it may be helpful to you as well.

      One last thought, there is this quote that I found a couple of years ago that I love so much. It seems to really explain the insanity and emotional draining that is Narcissistic abuse. Perhaps you might find it helpful too.
      “I poured everything I had into you but you were still empty”

      Hugs my brave survivor,
      Michelle Mallon, MSW, LSW

    • Browndog

      November 2nd, 2015 at 3:29 PM

      chavj
      What you described is happening to you is chilling. You do not need to “understand” this brutality. You just need to get yourself safe from it. Go ASAP to this site and see if you can get some personal support

      If you have a battered womens’ or community shelter, get in touch with the people there to get help. Nothing you might have said or done could ever justify this kind of treatment.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      November 2nd, 2015 at 4:26 PM

      Also, there is a difference between No Contact and the Silent Treatment…the latter is an emotional abuse tactic employed by an abuser. No Contact is a strategy of healing survivors can utilize to heal and move forward in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. There is so much pain I am picking up on this blog. Please connect with skilled and qualified helping professionals who can assist who have training in narcissistic abuse recovery and trauma work. Healing wishes to all, Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      November 2nd, 2015 at 4:27 PM

      Michelle M — thank you for your wise words and commentary… you are spot on! :)

    • Browndog

      November 2nd, 2015 at 5:00 PM

      chavj,
      I am sorry — I did not realize that this site strips off web links. The link I tried to put you in touch with was Crisis Text Line. It has a list of resources. You can find it by Googling. The loveisrespect hotline might have someone there who might be able to talk with you 1-866-331-8453. The other is the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233. I could not quite tell from your note if you were being hit with a belt or if that is not the case. If you are being hit or physically abused, you likely need to get distance from the abuser. Check also on counselors in your zip code that can be searched through this goodtherapy web site.

    • Browndog

      November 4th, 2015 at 9:46 AM

      After experiencing this four-day retreat, I feel restored. While I do not look forward to going back later today to a house (it no longer is a home) in which active silent treatment punctuated by gaslighting awaits, but I feel strong enough to let it run off my back. It was wonderful to hike, bike and drive in beautiful outdoor weather and to spend time in the supportive company of friends and be in contact with others that I did not visit. Was able to read Andrea’s Soul Vampires…. book in a single evening. It portrays everything I lived these past twenty months and in the sequence in which the events are experienced. Cannot believe how devoid those twenty months had been of peace, affection, warmth and laughter. This trip enveloped me in all of that. It is a reminder that the world of the NP is not real. Once we stop believing in them, they can have no power. Looking forward to another trip in a week, work though some of it is. Ahhh sanity. YES!!!

    • Chika

      November 4th, 2015 at 11:24 PM

      Unbuhlievable! Just when he finally stopped stalking me .. Jesus dude I think you’re more obsessed than I ever was. That’s a terrible place to open a restaurant. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I thought you didn’t think all that much of me. Well that’s a dubious statement. You know your effect on people. Don’t you have a nice, albeit short line of willing hostages to sit on the dunk tank seat?

      You’re not good at batting for nothing .. Aye batta batta Schwiing!

      So you struck out at the divorcee’s place? I thought she was your ROCK ;-)) . What with all her bills paid by a real man; your bills paid by a real man. I guess you can’t keep ‘up’ with your job there.

      Son of a bee, don’t act so TEXTBOOK. You’re getting old now time to get it right! Right out of my way. I do appreciate your concern but I’ll deal with my emotions around it. You’re better off without me, I don’t have enough tattoos for your taste, remember?

      What’s a Narcissist’s type .. Anything with a heartbeat. Buy Buy Kiddo.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      November 5th, 2015 at 8:44 AM

      Browndog — I am so glad that my book helped you…Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LifeBlood After Narcissistic Abuse…good for your for moving on in your healing and recovery…no vampire bites for you!! Peace and Healing, Andrea :))

    • Browndog

      November 7th, 2015 at 5:56 AM

      Andrea, it was very helpful. It especially brought together much of what I learned from other sites about the extreme entitlement that NPs seem to have. The whole retreat time gave me the clarity to sublet an inexpensive condo when I returned and to start to leave this toxic house. I will start by setting up my office there and am looking forward to having art and pictures back that I used to have back up in that place.

      Since buying a house together I have been unable to unpack my professional library, hang any of my wonderful pictures or paintings or even keep photos of friends and family on the fridge because NW says “We must both agree to hang anything.” But “hanging such things or lots of books destroys ‘A LOOK.'” Talk about entitlement…

      “The look” with gray barren walls reminds me of a 1940s Nazi concrete bunker. This morning, I re-read some of the archives here, and I saw your advice back on February 3rd, 2015: “… I do not advise engaging in the same behaviors that a person with narcissism may engage in….” which is really great advice. If we recognize narcissistic abuse as toxic, why practice to act like a narcissist? Letting NPs infuse that into us is may be one of the worst effects that we let them slip in on us. My task now is working toward ridding myself of the toxins that have slipped in.

    • Amy

      November 8th, 2015 at 1:04 PM

      My ex is trying to get back with me after breaking up with me abruptly 4 months ago.
      During the break up I have found out as a way to “cope” with his loss, he had a party at his home and found out he’s brought girls over. I discovered some uncomfortable pictures on a social media that this girl has taken in his bedroom dancing. Now that he wants to work on getting back together, Even together when he brought the girls over, I asked him why he is still “friends” with them on social media..
      I expressed how uncomfortable I was and was not able to even consider getting back if he is still linked to them via social media.
      I explained how he is being defensive on not deleting them vs arguing with me trying to get back with me.
      And for 2 days now I have been given the silent treatment… How do I deal with this. I am so hurt. We were in a long distance relationship for 2 years.

    • Browndog

      November 9th, 2015 at 12:04 AM

      He broke up with you…and HE is “coping” with loss? Uhhh…thinking three words: “Run Amy, RUN!”
      Were you happier and feeling more in control of your feelings after four months of no contact, or are you now happier with this hurting that you have told us about coming recently back into your life? Just tune into what this recent change is doing for you. You cannot control his seeing other girls, but you can control how you are going to take care of yourself while you are vulnerable. Would you consider “unfriending” this attraction for a while on your social media? Rather than an act of being a nasty person, it is a chance to set a boundary that prevents your getting sucked into monitoring his personal activities, which are going to hurt and upset you every time you go to your media site to visit with others. If this guy is an NP, he may get off on knowing that he commands your attention. The fact he commands it in ways that sound toxic to you probably does not even concern a narcissist.
      Hugs–treat yourself well through this challenge.

    • PollyAnna

      November 9th, 2015 at 1:02 PM

      This girl’s pretend relationships are so tedious. She’s a troll I call Fakey Girl™ as she considers herself quite the Role Player. Earlier this year she decided she wanted to be a part of the action and started writing herself into the narrative. Even responding to herself since her stories show she doesn’t really know what its like being in a grown up relationship with a man, much less a Narcissist. In keeping true to himself, King Baby Narcissist occassionally plays into the game, just to keep his victims thrown off. Shame on her for making light of true victims searching for help on these pages.

      Some are sicker than others I suppose. Fakey™ should stick to what she knows: nothing. Get the job already and maybe a life.

    • Browndog

      November 9th, 2015 at 8:44 PM

      Have to admit that some posts I have see make me wonder how they got posted after someone supposedly reviewed them and approved for sharing. Some look like they are written while the writer is drunk or high on drugs. If any idea or a real thought is in there, it’s not one I can pick up. This isn’t the kind of discussion site that I intuited would be attractive to people who are drawn to contribute craziness. If these folks are not screened out, it’s likely that people who do were drawn here by the original article will stop coming. The archives really become part of the article, which is outstanding.

    • carole

      November 10th, 2015 at 1:17 PM

      I found this site purely because I was looking for something !! Answers as to why my husband was the way he is….and needed to let it out what I was going through

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      November 10th, 2015 at 6:44 AM

      In reviewing so many of the commenters on this blog (and my other articles) and in working with my client survivors in my practice, one of many themes seem to be emerging…1) take much care and precaution with dating websites where extreme narcissists/trolls may be hiding behind their profile or the guise of being a relationship coach (with absolutely no credentials or training and can actually cause harm) and 2) survivors comments about trolls (who are cyber-bullies and extreme narcissists who choose to hide behind a profile and attempt to extract narcissistic supply from unsuspecting targets. The Internet is rife with such predators. For those who are needing direct support, resources, and qualified psychotherapy/consultation, please email me directly through my website. Unfortunately, I am not able to respond to all comments on all articles because of the volume of responses. Kind regards in healing, Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Browndog

      November 10th, 2015 at 7:06 PM

      Carole, there is nothing that you have posted that I don’t get.
      Amazing how many of us find a site like this after searching for a few answers by key words and unexpectedly find that our experiences fit a known pattern that we never knew was shared by others or even constituted a pattern.

    • Shannon

      November 12th, 2015 at 9:08 PM

      I have been looking for more answers…here is another great article and empowering.

      n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-appropriation-of-no-contact-when.html?m=1

    • Browndog

      November 13th, 2015 at 9:57 AM

      Shannon, thanks for a great article. Good comments by folks following it too.

    • Mercedes

      November 13th, 2015 at 12:29 PM

      Thank you for this article so informative…one time my narcissist gave me the silent treatment for 15 days because I left the house before he came back in from the wood shed…he would not answer his phone, texts,voice mail or email…and I mean nothing…i was beside myself with grief…than he suddenly showed up out of the blue walked in and did not say a word…just carried on like he didn’t leave…stayed for 8 days while I nursed him through the flu…and one night he got rude and I said goodnight I am going to bed…he slept downstairs in the spare room…I went down in the morning to get something from the spare fridge…I didn’t say anything to him he had the blankets pulled over his head…when I came home from work that day he was gone again…

    • sweetie619

      November 17th, 2015 at 12:53 PM

      It’s so disrespectful. I used to get mimicked for this comment by my partner but I’m going to say it because its what I believe. How does a person treat someone they are in a relationship with and is supposed to care about and love? It’s not the action of a loving caring person.

    • Jeff

      November 16th, 2015 at 4:20 AM

      When I first met her I thought I,d found my soul mate, she liked everything I liked and we just clicked instantly I felt so happy..she was so so pretty and seemed to really like me.
      For two years it was like this, my children loved her to bits, I’m a single parent of one ..the othe girls live with mum but I had them (had !!) every other weekend.
      We all used to go out and have a great time..really fun times.
      I knew she had a baby at 14 but that never bothered me at all, she seemed so well balanced and so bloody nice !
      From day one as I,m used to being the dad/provider I paid for everything..her bills sometimes, fuel in her car, jewellery, clothes, make up, TVs , decorated her home, bedding, paid for her hair to be done, make up etc etc.
      I didn’t mind …she only worked part time and I had a good job and I’m generous I like to be nice.
      Never understood why she didn’t work full time tho and why a woman so pretty had never been married.
      I don’t remember the first silent treatment as there’s been so many since, over some trivial remark or just comment over a tv show.
      At Christmas once when we were shopping and I was picking stuff up and asking if my girls would like this she would say no to everything ( I know what they like I’m their dad) and I got the feeling she just didn’t want me to get them stuff.
      She works part time and has very little excess money, she’s in a rented council house but won’t work full time and struggles with bills etc.
      5 years she’s been round my place every weekend and doesn’t spend a penny, I feed and am just a slave when she arrives from Friday till Monday. We go away, I pay for everything…in the 5 years together she has bought fish and chips twice !! But she did get Xmas presents for me in the beginning, but never for my kids even tho I got her grandchildren and daughter presents and cards.
      I also used to get her mum And dad stuff if needed and have many times bought her shopping/ food.
      Then the cracks started appearing…she would get drunk and have a few little dogs and comments about me and often my girls, she was insanely jealous of my daughter who lived with me which got worse with time.
      We went away for our 3 years together and I booked the Hotel and paid as usual, she got drunk the one night and really started verbally abusing me and in the end dumped me, we still had another day left but came home early..on the journey home which I hatedshe was as normal as you like.
      Dropped her off at Hers and she got her bags and said it just wasn’t working..baring in mind that I was still wondering what I’d done.
      Anyway, turns out after a week that she’s been out with another guy, week after she rings me asking me if I would like to come round to see the dog !! I said no and that I know you’ve had someone else lined up ( same guy that text her before our 3 year anniversary at 11pm) and he just hpened to work at the same hospital.. She denied anything had gone on and he was just a friend.
      I took her back.
      We then got engaged !! Within 3 weeks she had put a deposit on a dress and was full on talking living together and all that..
      My landlord rang me and said that he may be selling the house that I rent and I explainedthat to her…she then turned her spare room into her granddaughters bedroom which made me believe that she didn’t want my daughter . I let that one go
      Long story short….she became more and more abusive, the silent treatment got a lot worse and I began to feel like crap, I didn’t want to see her or I was finding excuses for not going to see her.
      I’ve asked her to leave my place on many occasions when she got drunk and been abusive, I’ve recorded her because she always denies having said those things and that I need to go see a shrink cos I’m mental.
      I’ve had the police on the door step after asking her to leave…she’s told them ive stolen stuff from her bag and next day when I ask her why she sent them round she’s denied even ringing them…crazy.
      She’s punched me in the face and said if you’d havegone to your room it would of never happened.
      5 moths ago I just had enuf, I rang and said it was over and that the pain was becoming constant , she replied ” well we aren’t going anywhere anyway” …..5 years and that’s all she can say.
      She said she needed to go find her dream !
      I just said ok.
      We spoke now and again after that for about a month…then I one day found out that she had been sexually abused by her dads brother
      I rang and tried to say I felt for her and I knew what had happened and that it had been covered up for 30 years. I,m here for you I said.
      Phone went down…and nothing since then.
      Nearly 4-5 months since then
      My children started not coming when she came round because they saw what she did to me.
      She put a wedge between me and my mum (mums a NPD).
      She bad mouthed her work colleagues and it seemed like she was always the victim.
      Was always suffering from something.
      Never gave a crap about my day..just hers.
      Always her problems, her dysfunctional family, her this her that.
      And stopped telling me she loved me years ago.
      Her brother has mental problems, his kids have been diagnosed with mental problems, her mother is just the scale in that area. Her daughter is nice but for 30yrsold very slow, speech, actions just not quite there and her two kids are very very unruly and the young boy of 6cant talk very well at all and the girl of 7is just evil in her ways but does have a nice side as long as she gets her own way.
      So why do I miss this woman so much ???

      NPD/ plus lots of other stuff I still feel I can fix !!

      Thanks for listening all.

    • Browndog

      November 16th, 2015 at 9:33 AM

      Laurie,
      Every legitimate authority I have consulted is pretty consistent with what is stated in Andrea’s article here and in the blog article that Shannon provided: SILENT TREATMENT IS ABUSE. Victims of silent treatment feel small, isolated, devalued and discarded. Why would I want to do that to another human being?

    • Browndog

      November 16th, 2015 at 11:16 AM

      Jeff,
      Isn’t it amazing at the attraction people who are not good for us nevertheless hold and retain even when they prove beyond a doubt that they are not good for us? Like the fictional vampire, which is a suitable partial title of Andrea’s book, the bite infects us and works to change us from who we really are. What’s even worse is that healthy blood seems to most attract the vampires.
      You mentioned your EXGF was sexually abused as a child. How do you really KNOW this to be true? There was a fad about 15 years ago of “recovered memories” spawned by the book “Courage to Heal” book. I went to a presentation by the book’s author in 1989. After seeing the author and hearing her claim that ALL of us in attendance were there because we were sexually abused as children, I felt I was in the presence of a person power-tripping to recruit disciples. The book had a cult following which reminded me a lot of intolerant religions. It programmed its followers to attack anyone who failed to “BELIEVE.”I wasn’t surprised to see the central premise of that book largely debunked as legitimate scholars started to study recovered memories, but it took years. In that time, it provided too many people who were never sexually abused as children with an excuse to enact terrible behavior. It sounds to me like you have been exploited and discarded, if not by a narcissist then by someone who is sounds at least borderline certifiable. Take a deep breath and feel grateful that she has gone from you and your childrens’ lives. It sounds like your next task is to recover yourself back to the person you were before you let yourself be drawn into a relationship with a wrecking machine. The person you were didn’t sound half bad.

    • sweetie619

      November 17th, 2015 at 11:53 AM

      I left a comment maybe a month or so ago as my partner does the silent treatment when He feels I have done something wrong and He feels like he deserves an apology.
      Three weekends have been OK but the last one has resulted in me receiving the silent treatment again.Bearing in mind I sat in bed crying on Saturday and he just turned over and went to sleep. Before I started dating him two years ago I used to speak to a lovely guy who’s wife had cheated on him with his best friend. He vowed to never date again. But there was something between us. He couldn’t cope with it and I didn’t hear from him until this year. We just talked and last night I met him. And he is kind caring loving and the same person I started falling for three years ago. I’m not saying what I’ve done is right but he has opened my eyes to how badly I have been treated. Nobody has to put up with it. It’s scarey as I am now going to finish my two year relationship if he contacts me, I doubt it because he will wait for me to do it. I’m prepared to risk jumping the ignorance train for one that could potentially make me happy and so should others. You shouldn’t have to watch what you say , walk on egg shells or be ignored. People deserve better x

    • Browndog

      November 17th, 2015 at 7:42 PM

      The site went down for some reason this evening so your post is not being ignored. First of all your question: “How does a person treat someone they are in a relationship with and is supposed to care about and love?” to any person who is not dumber than a post is not a question that ANYONE should ever be laughing at. It is simple, beautiful, and powerful. Many of us wish our partners who resort to silent treating had the mental capacity to ask that. Speaking for myself, your prompt has taught me to ask that of myself more often. Suffice to say that it takes a capable and smart person to ask such an important question in that way.
      To solve your other dilemma, advice should come from the more qualified people who actually run this site. Maybe try asking yourself: “why am I staying in this relationship?” Then try maybe asking your partner “Why are you in this relationship with me?” Don’t go for these wanting to shut out an answer that you may not want to hear. The main thing is to get answers will give you truthful information. If you want to remain in the relationship after you get these answers, you both may need some coaching from a counselor. If the answers you get make you not to want to remain with your partner, then you might benefit from support from a qualified counselor now simply because you are vulnerable from having been devalued. The first person who SEEMS to offer the love and understanding your life has been missing could put you back in the same cycle. You seem bright, caring, and empathetic. These are qualities that attract both really good partners and really destructive narcissists. Some time with a qualified counselor may help you to hang onto yourself when the latter is trying to draw you in.
      Hugs-! Your weekends are not meant to be spent crying.

    • Browndog

      November 18th, 2015 at 8:40 AM

      Michelle,
      I wanted to follow up on your October 30 request: “I would be honored to have both of you help me communicate the articles and resources that have helped you both begin to heal from this to the survivors who come to my Facebook group to find accurate information to help them heal. Facebook: Narcissistic Victim Syndrome- Hope For Victims and Survivors.

      As soon as I clicked on that site, I saw that not only my identity and photo but also those of all my friends and associates on FB would become part of this as a public forum. If you establish a secure site, perhaps on WordPress and set the security settings high, I believe that it might enable the kinds of forum discussions that you want. Facebook is a great place for the informal banter and news such as we might to have public. It is a terrible forum for any serious discussions that should be confidential. In my experience, Facebook is one of the most unsafe places on the web.

    • Wednesday

      November 22nd, 2015 at 11:23 PM

      I’m so glad to have found this site. I’m so in love with a man, but he continues to torture me with silence. I poured my heart and feelings to him, he stood, listened and when it was his turn to engage in the conversation, he picked up his phone and called his dad. The laughed and joked awhile, then he went about his business as if I’d said nothing. It keeps happening over and over until I’m enraged, devalued, depressed, and wanting to leave. He will then say how he misses me, loves me ect…..I’m so tired of it. The song by the clash ” should I stay or should I go” plays continually in my mind, lol….this nonsense has got to ends before I go insane!

    • Michelle M

      November 24th, 2015 at 3:26 AM

      Browndog,
      I am so glad you saw my message asking if you could help me find good articles and resources for the male survivors who come to my support forum for help in healing. To answer your question- I have thought about making it a closed group. However, there are a number of reasons why I have not. The time and energy a closed group might require are beyond the scope of what I can effectively give right now. For a closed group to be helpful to the survivors who are a part of it, there must be a fairly high level of response on my part to the concerns that survivors are expressing. Closed groups can allow for much more open sharing- which is good. However, if I know that I do not always have the ability to respond at length or right away, that profound sharing on the part of the survivors who post may feel like their stories are being dismissed or ignored. For me, I remember as I was healing that one of the worst feelings in the world was the feeling like I was being ignored. It scares me to think that my inability to respond the way I would need to to nurture the survivors who come there could harm them. So for now, the group is an open group. The focus is on getting accurate information about healing out to the people who are desperately searching for it. Please don’t assume that your input can’t still be important. You do not have to post publicly on the site to help me communicate the articles that you think could be helpful to men. You could message me and we could work together to add in the support piece for men. I have a number of men who are followers of the site. They sometimes recommend articles too. Hopefully we can just give this a try and see how it goes???

    • Browndog

      November 24th, 2015 at 2:17 PM

      Michelle, you said: ” For me, I remember as I was healing that one of the worst feelings in the world was the feeling like I was being ignored.” That is so understandable to any person who has shared this kind of abuse. Victims of silent treatment are being shunned and being disenrolled from the person and the family that we believed was ours and to which we were overjoyed to be a part of. Worse, the shunning is not because we have done anything. All we had to do to be victimized was to remain committed and present as the cycle moved from idealization to devaluation to discard. At the final stage, the abuser is tired of us, wants us gone and resents the fact that we we are alive, share their space, and draw breath in this world. Few who have experienced this cycle from a person that they love know how devastating that living it is. So sorry that this happened to you too. I am thankful that you survived this and are turning your experience into helping others.

      This is currently a very hard time for me. I am by nature an unusually inclusive person. I do not like even putting the dog separately from us because I worry she will feel excluded and punished. I opened myself to loving the kids of my narcissistic wife, and they are now visiting with us. I have always loved being with them and know that this is the last time we will spend together. My spirit is very heavy right now.

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      November 24th, 2015 at 4:29 PM

      Dear Browndog,

      Thank you for your comment. In times of difficulty, it may help to talk with a therapist or counselor. You can locate one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

      Please know that help is available. We wish you the best of luck in your search.

      Kind regards,

      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Browndog

      November 24th, 2015 at 9:44 PM

      Thanks, Team. I do have a counselor. Unlike what happened earlier in my relationship with my narcissist wife, I understand the reason for my feeling since it is made from my experiences.. I am neither surprised nor paralyzed by it. I simply felt like acknowledging in this forum that I do feel pain in this situation. But I know that I can deal with it and get past it. if in the situation I described I felt no loss, I should probably worry more about that.

    • Michelle M

      November 25th, 2015 at 5:16 AM

      Browndog,
      I can definitely understand that feeling of heaviness. That pre-emptive feeling of knowing what you are about to lose but yet still feeling like you might still somehow find a way to make all of this work- almost as if you have a choice as to whether or not you remove yourself from this destructive relationship is so heavy. Do your wife’s children have any idea that she is abusive or is this something of which no one will speak? I guess what I am asking is whether or not there is any possibility that your understanding of what you have been through may be the key that unlocks the prison door for them too. I think that the only way that you might be able to remain connected somehow with the children is if they have begun to see behind their mother’s mask. If they have not (or have not indicated this to you), then I have a feeling you may need time away from all of them to begin to heal the trauma you have endured. I know for my husband, extended family members who knew some of the extent of what he had been through, would (with good intentions) suggest things that made him believe he just hadn’t tried hard enough and he would second guess himself. He has cut off contact with the entire extended family as well as the immediate family. This has been almost four years ago. I thought at some point he would want to have contact with some of the extended family, but he has not. I think this is because he knows he has made peace with his decision and that other people may continue to try (with good intentions) to get him to “try again”.

      There really isn’t much of a choice in a situation like this. Once your eyes have been opened to the reality of what you are dealing with and the hell you are living in, staying is nearly impossible. I have a feeling that you understand this. When you are fully aware of all of the abusive and manipulative tactics as they are happening, it is incredibly difficult not to feel your own inner need for respect and dignity kick in and take over.

      Perhaps as you gather with the family with your eyes open more than they ever have been to what is going on, you will begin to see some things you couldn’t before. In the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, one of the most painful components to healing is mourning the loss of what really was. It is quite possible that this holds true not just with your wife but, to some extent, her children.

      Thinking of you Browndog. Happy Thanksgiving!
      Michelle

    • Mimi

      November 25th, 2015 at 1:09 PM

      There comes a time when i physically or mentally can no longer speak. It has nothing to do with control it has everything to do with self preservation….it does not matter what I say I will be yelled at or told I’m wrong. Silence is safety.

    • Browndog

      November 25th, 2015 at 9:40 PM

      Michelle, thanks so much for your caring and taking time to acknowledge my living in this reality. You obviously do understand this feeling. It is my intention to share these days in the best ways to the degree that I am allowed. I have no delusions about my ability to remain in the destructive relationship that I know is real, but I so loved the relationship that I thought was real that I will acknowledge the good parts of that, my sorrow at finding what eventually proved to be the reality, take the good forward and not wallow needlessly. I have no desire to undermine my wife’s relationship with her kids. I have never said a bad word about her to either of them. Indeed, I believe that they see a different person than the one I am shown. They are an extension of her; I am not and thus they will never be in the relationship where that par of her character appears. They want to believe in what she shows to them and my guess is that they are safe in that they will never will see anything else. If they did, it would benefit no person and only hurt them. I am quietly supporting their visit from behind, and if I do this successfully, they will not have their time here reduced by feeling my sorrow. Today at times I felt my body riddled with the feel of little shocks and my hands even tremble from what I feel though. Thank you for reaching out in the way you did and at the time you did.

    • Browndog

      November 25th, 2015 at 10:31 PM

      Mimi,
      I acknowledge the feeling of deferring to do to what you believe that you need to do to help you survive. The differences between silent treating a partner and withdrawing from abuse have been clarified on this particular forum. There is no need for me to repeat that here.

      For me, I think that it is important to validate myself FOR MYSELF, without arguing or justifying self to a narcissist. As an example– , I had bought a bag of tangerines for our guests (her family) several days ago and set them out on the kitchen island. I was immediately criticized for that by NW stating she had already bought some (she had bought two) and had them in a refrigerator drawer. I said “OK” and let it go, Two days later, the guests ate all but two from the island, so tonight I replenished the stock. My NW immediately noted that I should not put these out because two were left. I just noted that “everyone is eating them so I will tear open the new bag so they can know these are here and place it next to the remaining two.” The response was a snarling ” Do whatever the fuck you want.” I then affirmed “I don’t need that” to validate that I neither needed to be cursed at nor snarled at as part of my life. I did not to respond in kind with cursing or snarling or try to justify. The NW, always needing to have the last word retorted, “and I don’t need THAT” referring to the affirmation of myself. Goes without saying that a narcissist does not need any victim validating or affirming self, so I did not need to grace that with any further response. To state that I DON’T need that kind of treatment was to affirm to myself my need to get such abuse out of my life, and to support the actions that I am now taking. The affirmation was for me, not for her–although she made it “all about her.”

      Just going silent can affirm to ourselves that if we just go limp with a narcissist, they will eventually care and become loving again. They won’t. They will just persist with their unending litany of put-downs and criticisms because they need to do this to a target. We don’t need that in a relationship or in our lives.

    • sweetie619

      November 26th, 2015 at 10:58 AM

      Its funny when I read a post and have an aha moment. After last weekend with my partner of two years I left his Monday morning knowing I couldn’t do our relationship anymore. I can’t even remember why I got upset Saturday evening but I sat on the bed and cried whilst he turned over and went to sleep. Nothing not even on Sunday. So I didn’t message him all week and he didn’t until the following Sunday he just said ” I guess that’s it I haven’t heard from you in a week”. I did say he could have messaged me. Then the accusations and insults started, accusing me of talking to someone else, how when I spoke to him the weekend I only grunted. I was told not to go there with the fact he hadn’t messaged me. But the best line of all ” he didn’t have to put up with my self centred , ignorant childish tantrums. I replied saying I didn’t want a b$tch fest and that I didn’t want the finger pointing and conversation how I was to blame for everything. Which resulted in me being told if he couldn’t point the finger there was nothing left to say. I feel so bad for so many people on here. This week I have had tears because its over but not for him but because I realised my self esteem and confidence have taken such a hammering.

    • Kariuki

      November 29th, 2015 at 4:35 PM

      I have read all your posts, atleast each one posts is sounding to what I have been undergoing through. I have expressed this kind of rejection from my cousin and now my current girlfriend, trust me it is one of the worst feeling ever. Worse than death, it makes you feel like nothing. God people, as you go to your next relationship please set your threshold of respect, your much worth than the love. There is no good feeling like being appreciated. And that’s, what your narcissists feeling will never put across, his or her work, is to break you down to extremely nothing.

    • Anna

      November 30th, 2015 at 1:27 AM

      What if you are forced to stop responding to someone who is hurling insults, abusive accusations & nastiness. Is it stonewalling if a message is sent that the behavior wont be tolerated & making it the last message no matter how much sludge keeps coming back? Is it stonewalling to not respond to the abusive messages?

    • Browndog

      November 30th, 2015 at 8:40 AM

      Kariuki,
      Andrea’s article at the top of this thread says it all in a few words: “…many therapists suggest that the survivor understand that the person with narcissism has not developed the ability to express a high level of empathy, reciprocity, and compromise. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that no one deserves nor should tolerate. If an individual experiences this absence of communication, it is a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.”

      When you say “…as you go to your next relationship please set your threshold of respect…” most victims begin relationships with a good threshold of self-respect. The problem here is that the wonderful persona a narcissist presents at the outset conveys the respect needed to breach our boundaries, and we fall in love with them. What we do not know is that they are not in love with us. After we commit to the narcissist, the real persona of the narcissist begins to show and the devaluation soon begins. Silent treating becomes the normal mode of narcissists’ relating to victims by the stage of discard. That is when: “an individual experiences this absence of communication” and our hearts are broken when we realize what silent treatment is: “…a sure sign that he or she needs to move on and heal.”

    • Browndog

      November 30th, 2015 at 10:22 AM

      Anna,
      I do relate to your feelings of frustration. The difference between silent treatment and withdrawal are difficult to see, especially when the love we have for the person who is verbally abusive is what is giving them so much power to hurt us that we start to doubt our own sanity.

      For a start, see Andrea’s comment, October 21st, 2014 at 4:27 PM on this site.

      Here is my take from my experience with a flaming narcissist. First, no one other than ourselves can “force” us “to stop responding.” That is our choice– no copping out blaming another person for our choice. It is also a narcissist’s go-to choice. We can choose not to fight, but we can communicate that choice, which is not silent treating. How about, “I feel I am being devalued, this hurts me, and I will not engage in what feels like an abusive exchange that solves nothing. I am willing to communicate to understand your concern and even to cooperate in finding a reasonable solution. Right now, I am too hurt and upset to do this well. For now I need to withdraw from this exchange. We should talk later.”?
      As long as we are committed to living with a person, we are obligated to respect, communicate, cooperate, and, yes, even compromise when we would rather not. If our partner proves incapable of living up to such a commitment, which is what a narcissist proves with devaluation and silent treatment, we probably should choose to get away from them permanently. After we do separate to our own space, enacting no contact is appropriate. Still, that is still our choice, no one can “force” us to do this.

      But as long as we are living with someone whether it is a spouse, a parent, a sibling or a roommate, silent treating produces a toxic living space. Silent treatment, like striking a person, IS abuse. When living with an NP, it is hard not to respond in kind when they silent treat us. I believe that “turning us to their dark side” is a way that a NP succeeds in making us someone less than who we were when we entered the relationship. We need to be very conscious of when our choices are us acting or us reacting in kind.

    • Joanna M

      December 1st, 2015 at 12:42 PM

      Lord, my father is the ultimate baby. He is so insecure that when I was an innocent six year old girl, he would pull The Silent Treatment on me if I offended him. A six year old child frightened him! As I grew, I became less and less loved and valuable to him. I (gasp) challenged him, did not flatter him, cater to him, worship him, and in general did not behave as though he was God. It hurt so bad when he coldly ignored me. I still hate him for it.

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      December 1st, 2015 at 4:17 PM

      Dear Joanna,

      Thank you for your comment. If you would like to discuss this, or any other concern, with a therapist or counselor, please know you can locate one through our website.

      To see a list of mental health professionals in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:

      https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

      Kind regards,

      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Colette

      December 1st, 2015 at 7:00 PM

      I’m so GRATEFUL I READ this amazing article!
      I’m not crazy and he is a complete narcissistic control freak. Wow, I have lived trapped in this year long emotional pain … I’m so glad to know what was happening to me is real ! Living with this kind of emotional abuse is completely detrimental to one’s well-being .. Time for me to get out of this once and for all.

    • carole

      December 1st, 2015 at 9:08 PM

      I feel like my life is falling apart around me….I’ve recently been on the verge of a mental breakdown after fighting with my oldest son. I’m so hurt at how nasty and disrespectful he was to me and I’ve thrown him out. He’s apologised but I’m not ready to speak to him yet. I’m on the verge of tears every 5 mins and it’s just another crushing blow in my car crash life.
      Drugs have played a part and I’ve done all I can to help him, he left home 18 years ago and 18 years later he returned. Of course people change but is this my same son, my best friend who’s chosen to party and stay up 2 days running, sleep deprevation and paranoia turned him into an unreasonable angry unrecognisable person
      Oh of course the narc downstairs has a smile on his face because my son, not his has”proven himself to be the lowlife he always said he was”.
      While our own son has just bought his 1st house with his girlfriend and moved out, on the same day.
      He’s 21 and so much more nature in every way than my oldest son and I couldn’t be prouder and I know he’ll go far.
      I’m upset and feel a deep loss for the son I’ve lost to his own coping mechanism after splitting with his long term partner.
      2 weeks ago the narc hadn’t been speaking to me on and off for weeks.
      He even tried to hug me after I lost the plot with my son….I just felt like he had what he wanted, my son out, now he’s chatty and happy and running around after me, I can’t stand it, I just want to scream at him and tell him to f off but can’t because of my youngest son. He’s happy his Dad’s happy, I feel trapped and need him to leave like he promised.
      He’s now asking if he can stay until after Christmas, it was only 2 weeks ago I told him I couldn’t stand the thought of spending Christmas with him and he promised to be out before.
      He’s trying to worm his way round me and knows I’m vulnerable.
      But I’m not stupid, I feel weak but not weak enough.
      I’m having a bad time but I’ll pick up again.
      I’ve got work in a few hours so must try and get some sleep. I can hear him snoring on the sofa and I want to slap him but I won’t.
      The real him will be back soon, he just can’t help himself and I’ll be ready 😊

    • Lucy

      December 2nd, 2015 at 6:54 AM

      I read and disagree with most of what is said. I feel after doing some research on my own that I have been a victim of a narcissist. For 3 years my relationship has been on and off. He charmed his way into my life, loving, caring, and affectionate, communicative. As time passes on he made my hope s of having a secure relationship into a nightmare. His behavior changed causing me to feel insecure with the doubts and lies, deceit he brought upon our relationship. When questioned, he would find an excuse to pack and leave. The communication was nonexistent. We’ve changed our wedding plans 3 times because of so called situations with either his job, or family. So I changed everything to benefit him. Well to make the long story short, I finally realized after our last argument, I can’t go thru this anymore, feeling sad, unaccomplished and abandoned. After he took all of his things out of the apartment and the chances that were given to our relationship was going nowhere, it was more than obvious I needed to move on. He would continue to act like nothing was happening and insisted on working on us, evento after neglecting and abandoning our relationship several times I decided to walk away and not talk, text or have any more contact with him. My self worth, my dignity and respect finally mattered to me. This was a toxic relationship, and my silence to him is my inner peace. So in this case, my silence is not a treatment, its a cry that I needed to finally let a poison to be released out of my system.

    • Lisa

      December 4th, 2015 at 8:49 AM

      Ur silence is totally normal and necessary for keeping urself on track to a healthy happy you. It’s hard to love someone and want for their happiness but these narcisstic people will never b happy no matter who they r with until they admit and address their behavior. Take it from me… Seven yrs of therapy with three different therapists and he’s gotten worse than ever. Put the past and him behind u and build yourself back up… It’s the only solution!

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 2nd, 2015 at 9:01 AM

      Lucy — sounds like your actions describe “No Contact”, which is not the silent treatment (an emotional abuse tactic)…No Contact is designed to protect the survivor from further abuse. See my article here for further elaboration and comments above on this thread: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/no-contact-rule-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-0618136

    • Browndog

      December 2nd, 2015 at 9:23 AM

      Lucy,
      From what you describe: “after he took all of his things out of the apartment and the chances that were given to our relationship was going nowhere, it was more than obvious I needed to move on.” He apparently has left; you are now both in your own space, and you have chosen to go no-contact. Many therapists advocate that going no-contact under those conditions is a good thing and some will argue that it is absolutely necessary. I too think that it is a healthy decision to not live with one foot in a hopeless committment and one foot in aspiring to get free of it. Silent-treating a person only occurs when we do this to a person with whom we have a committed relationship and with whom we have an obligation to communicate and cooperate in good faith. You no longer have that. Now that you are in your own space, have ended the relationship, concerns with “my” inner peace, “my” self worth “my” dignity are totally appropriate. I don’t see what you are finding to disagree with on these pages.
      Disagreement with most of what is posted here seems close to denying the reality of the victims who posted here of the emotional damage that they suffered when silent treatment was enacted on them while they were living together or working together with an NP and maintaining a commitment to cooperate in good faith to resolve issues. Silent treatment is not no contact.

    • Browndog

      December 2nd, 2015 at 9:58 AM

      Hi Carole,
      Sounds like you are going through a hard time and maybe it’s a good idea to talk with a qualified counselor. Maybe having a professional present so that any conversation with your partner can be controlled and make it constructive would be worthwhile too. Would he go with you? You are in a place where you really could use some support with what is possible from talking on a web site like this. So sorry you are going through all of these things at once. Hugs, and best wishes for a brighter day ahead.

    • carole

      December 2nd, 2015 at 5:23 PM

      Thank you Browndog. I didn’t sleep at all last night and been working all day today but feel strangley calm.
      He says he loves me and always has, who knows what his love is, I know I’ve never felt loved and that he’s never treated me the way I’ve wanted or even needed to be treated. More dismissed as a irritant or nuisance.
      He’s starting to slip today, he can’t keep up the pretence of niceness and his narc side is creeping in as the days gone on.
      I actually think it must be quite sad living inside his mind. All those wasted hours of loneliness and isolation spent in his workroom plotting and planning how he could drag me down.
      I’ve had a bad few days but all the emotions I’ve felt are subsiding. My son called me today but I’m not ready to speak to him yet….I think some me time is what’s needed just now….

    • Browndog

      December 3rd, 2015 at 8:44 AM

      Hi Carole.
      I too go from calm to days feeling sad and down, and back again. I think that it is a physical body response from the stress that we feel. The body has a limit to how much adrenaline and cortisol it can process, and it has to turn off flight-fight at some point. Those natural chemical defenses for survival were never designed for longtime use or exposure. I’ve found acupuncture as wonderful for breaking the cycle and returning to calm.

      One of the things that really struck me from your description is how much your narc differs from mine. Mine never says “I love you” hugs me, or initiates any physical contact. The fact that yours still does these things made me think that there could be some hope at your end and that he might even be amenable to going to a counselor so that he (maybe both of you) can be coached to meet one another’s needs and have happier lives. Mine refuses to attend counseling; there is no hope at my end. The silent treatment has made “home” so toxic for me that it is now health-impairing. I have to leave it simply as a life or death decision. For you, I hope things can be salvaged. At least this site is a support. There is another site you might want to join where victims going through similar difficulties to ours gain support–look up narcissistic abuse recovery and runboard. You will find people there with situations surprisingly similar to what you described, and it is free. Monitored by an amazingly dedicated volunterr who founded it.

    • Lisa

      December 4th, 2015 at 8:41 AM

      All must remember… They will say and do whatever they have to to keep you under their control… If they can’t… They don’t want you… Run my friends… Run as fast as u can!!!

    • carole

      December 7th, 2015 at 1:52 AM

      Hi Browndog
      I don’t believe for a minute he cares about me, I don’t think he ever has. His telling me he loves me and wanting to comfort me is a ploy. He’s walking around like the cat that got the cream, he’s winning at the moment, getting what he wanted. It’s a game to him. He thinks he can stay and I’ve not had the energy to constantly remind him that he still has to leave.
      He’s got it cushy in my house, he doesn’t have to worry about supporting himself or paying any bills.
      I’ve just had another attack of cfs which kept me in bed 3 days….unlike before when didn’t once look in on me for 3 days he’s been getting me drinks, making meals and constantly asking if there’s anything I need.
      I’ve been with this nan for over 30 years and I know this is not him, he’s doing what he thinks he has to so il change my mind.
      None of this is for me, thus is for him, to keep his place here.
      I know him too well and it won’t last.
      He’s made no moves towards me and will happily sleep on the sofa forever as long as he doesn’t have to support himself.
      This is not the real him or who he is….I’m not fooled

    • Browndog

      December 4th, 2015 at 8:02 PM

      Lisa, after seven years, three therapists and no improvement, it sounds as if you have put in your best efforts and are making a wise decision. One thing was unclear from your 8:49 post–was the therapy you mentioned joint counseling, just you, or just him?

    • Lisa

      December 6th, 2015 at 5:25 PM

      The first two therapists we joint… One for two yrs… She retired then next one for five yrs. the therapists we have been seeing since his arrest in August r singles… His a male friend of family… Mine a woman who works with him referred me to… First group session was a disaster. My therapist expressed to me that her feeling was that his therapist should not b working our case because he is obviously too involved with my husbands family. What a nightmare!

    • Traci

      December 6th, 2015 at 6:18 PM

      I divorced my narcissistic husband a year ago after 30 years. He did the silent treatment our whole marriage, once for 3months because I asked him to mow the lawn. One day after the umpteenth million time of the silent treatment I googled his symptoms and sat there with tears pouring down my face reading about NPD. I put up with this nonsense for a ridicolous length of time. While we were going through the separation I started seeing a man I’ve been friends with for 20 years and we fell in love. I’m happier with him than I’ve ever been in my life but my 2 adult sons will have nothing to do with me now if they can avoid it. Apparently the fault was with me, not their father, who incidentally was a terrible father as well as husband. Very despairing right now.

    • Browndog

      December 6th, 2015 at 9:48 PM

      Lisa,
      Thank you for responding. You must have really cared that this could work as shown by all the work that you were willing to put into this. The relationship and the counseling both sound unsatisfying. An end to both seems better than continuing with more unhappiness. So sorry this happened to you.

    • Browndog

      December 6th, 2015 at 10:28 PM

      Traci,
      I also know that feeling of pouring tears and of silent treatment. You are lucky to be alive after 30 years of this abuse. Within a year of being gaslighted and silent treated, I started developing stress-related physical symptoms, so when I hear of someone who has spent decades under this and survived it, I am a bit in awe.

      The situation you describe of the reaction by your sons is very common. You can read about how victims of narcissistic abuse are often not believed at Christine Louis de Canonville’s site and in a recent posting in September titled “What Happens When Targets Aren’t Believed” on the After Narcissistic Abuse web site. There is so little public awareness of the NA pattern. Few have any way to understand what we have gone through unless they have experienced it first-hand. We fell for it, so it is not surprising when friends and family also fall for the narcissist’s charm and take sides. You were married thirty years, and you decided to divorce only a year ago. Realize that it was three decades before you understood the futility of your situation, so your adult sons likely will need more time than a year to come to grips too and deal in their way with what is still an unfamiliar situation. I know this a bit because my parents separated when I was an adult, and I loved them both. I am glad that you now have a supportive partner. That is huge. Thanks for sharing your story here.

    • Traci

      December 7th, 2015 at 7:31 PM

      Thank you so much for your reply. I have been in counseling for 3 years. I am a nurse practitioner and wish that I had recognized this from my psych classes. My counselor assured me that this is common that we don’t recognize this disorder for many years. As health care providers, we are nurturers and this is exactly what narcissists like. Even after three years though and getting to the point that I can now feel pity for him, I still have a lot of anger. I didn’t realize until I got out how much damage he had done to me and to my children.

    • Browndog

      December 7th, 2015 at 9:06 AM

      “…unlike before when didn’t once look in on me for 3 days ” Wow–that is so uncaring and inhumane, but I know this from experience too. When you need to count on them, they are not available; when you want to support them, they try to push you away and then blame you afterwards for not being supportive enough. I do understand that when you have experienced this, you KNOW something that you wish you never knew.
      I should have seen this kind of treatment as a danger sign in my own NW before we married. Had I read the blogs on narcissistic abuse, I would have known not to get tangled up with this person. What you describe is not a way to live, and so you have to do what you have to do now. Wishing you a happier situation soon.

    • Amanda

      December 9th, 2015 at 7:49 PM

      Thank you so much for this article. I just broke it off with my boyfriend after three silent treatments in two months. After the second, I heard all of his demands for me to change but was unwilling to change anything himself, which lead me to believe he was using this as a type if control. The third silent treatment, I just said screw it. I’m not going to be treated this way any longer. I feel like I’m dating a five year old!

    • Traci

      December 16th, 2015 at 1:40 PM

      Amanda-
      Before I realized my ex had ND, years ago my son in law told my daughter “Your dad acts like a five year old”. Bingo. That article rang a bell with me too. Blessings,
      Traci

    • Browndog

      December 10th, 2015 at 8:51 AM

      Amanda, it sounds like your breakup is akin to getting off a plane with a bomb on it. Is it crazy to express some empathy for your loss and congratulations in the same note?

    • JS

      December 10th, 2015 at 10:11 AM

      I was with my ex a year and a half and it was just frustrating and degrading how I tried so hard to get through to him pleading, texting, emailing couldn’t speak to him, and never any reply like I was talking to the wall. Anything I would present to him in conversation even if it were can we plan something, it was always let me process it. What was there to process?? Is he a computer??! The lies, the cheating the deception, the gaslighting, I felt so degraded for putting up with more and more that my gut even though it tried to tell me all along, finally I was feeling so nervous, it was shouting to me this is so wrong. I was a confident happy person and I was walking around like a zombie. I knew I had to get away. It didn’t bother him in the least I never got a goodbye. The very last text he sent me in reply to mine is below; it’s all about him, he actually replied! Maybe for him this was the best he could do in offering an explanation, but it’s still riddled with promises he very well never intented to follow through on.
      “I love all u wrote. . U are the most special person. .!! I’m just stuck lately with not being motivated. . My mind wants to do 100 things I end up doing one or none of them.. the motorcycle has brought happiness to me and I do a lot of things on my own with it which makes me happy.. no stereo no phone just me in the wind it’s very nice feeling and I would love to have you on the bike.. All the things that I do that I say God.. Shed love that.. I wish she was here she would look so hot in leather & boots..! I want to give you 1000 percent … not100% and I’ve giving you 47% and that is not fair at all you deserve much better but I could be much better and then you would deserve me and I would deserve you…. Ya know that comment should take the cake.🎂…! I’m an excellent excellent writer yet I seem to not be able to put pen to paper or mentally put down what I want to say and that seems to be a problem I’ve noticed that about myself what’s wrong with me..!! I get things out in my music which is why I keep doing it because it brings out stuff in Me and I can write songs doesn’t always come out perfect but at least it gives me some type of a expression and gets things out… I want you to come help the hospital and do all this stuff and you are wonderful with all that and my family everybody loves you and you are loved very much by me I just want you here I guess all the time and you have a job in the city and I can’t take you away from your parents and Lulu and It wouldn’t be right and I don’t know what to do or how to manage it….. I just want an everyday situation a house of our own and just so I can be settled I’m not settled and I keep rearranging the trailer like I did again recently well that was the best rearrangement ever with selling 70% of the stuff which is been great lately also keeping me alive if I have no income I’m hoping that will end soon… I still don’t know what’s going on with my stomach …. I’m still on a bland diet and I’m taking it easy I’m still losing weight which isn’t a bad thing at all but that could be a concern and that could come back and possibly even kill me I’m not sure… So I have a lot on my mind I have all feelings for you happy sad mad frustrated which is pretty much all that you are having for me which makes us pretty once again perfect together yes a second that takes the cake comment…🎂
      I think it will be good if we saw each other in person instead of phone calls and texting and wondering what each other is doing and blah blah blah even though I don’t normally say blah blah blah… So if I surprise you this week in the city you will have to leave work finally sick cuz you’re not coming back in if I’m there… Or the other option is I’ll have to crawl under your desk you’ll be making so much noise that they’ll ask you to leave….”
      This was the very last I heard from him 2 months ago. I feel bad that there was no goodbye and in my heart know that I most likely have been replaced. My mind feels like a recorder that just plays over and over specific times I felt so happy but now realize the lies that were taking place as I was unsuspecting. When each of these individual deceptions, and more and more come to mind each day, I wish they would stop, I almost feel suffocated as if it builds up and I can’t breathe like I’m going out of my mind. It’s incomprehensible to me that someone can have no heart, no sentimentality, someone who said they love me right to the last text could forgot me like a old newpaper thrown away.

    • JS

      December 10th, 2015 at 2:51 PM

      He called me that same day and made no mention as to getting together that the weekend had arrived. My reply was, “If you’re with someone forget about me and let’s end this charade. I am not 2nd to anyone. You want to see me during the week but not the weekend and you’re supposedly free? Put your money where your mouth is and prove it. I hadn’t heard back after a week I blocked his number and texts. In essence even though I cut him off I don’t think he would have even tried calling if I hadn’t blocked him, I believe he found another or back to an old one. Either way he couldn’t be bothered trying to keep the mask on and me taking it off.

    • Browndog

      December 10th, 2015 at 4:03 PM

      JS,
      From a person who knows the feeling of being gaslighted, silent treated and discarded, I am really sorry to hear that you are experiencing the fallout of this too. Many share what we are going through. The narcissists’ lack of valuing their relationships and their views of people as disposable are indeed incomprehensible. I first learned about the effects on people like us at a site reachable by googling for the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome. I am so sorry for the emptiness you are sharing now. Rest assured that you are not alone and that there was nothing any of us could have done to change the situation. We were viewed as disposable from the start.
      You have reached a good site here and might want to get a counselor from the goodtherapy directory to help ease you through this. It’s especially hard at these holiday times.

    • JS

      December 10th, 2015 at 7:41 PM

      Thank you Browndog it helps to hear someone who has conquered their trauma, I know it will pass it just sucks. I’m sorry
      I put up with so much I knew I was degrading myself and tried to rationalize that I was independent and didn’t need so much love and affection. I guess that with their years of coping like that, that’s how they became a narcissist. How ironic.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 10th, 2015 at 7:26 PM

      The holidays are truly a challenging time for “hoovers” during the holidays and for survivors to feel vulnerable. I have a few suggestions as well – you are welcome to check out my website and read the article on Holiday Hoovering (my own blog) and also my new ebook Soul Vampires: Reclaiming Your LIfeBlood After Narcisssitic Abuse (available on BookBaby and Amazon, among other platforms) — there is a companion workbook and resource section in the book that may help during the holidays. When seeking a helping professional, be sure they are versed in understanding narcissistic abuse and trauma recovery and a licensed psychotherapist. Some, including myself, provide telehealth options. My kindest wishes in healing. You are not alone. Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • JS

      December 11th, 2015 at 7:28 AM

      Why do we compromise ourselves and keep sweeping their actions under the carpet choosing the things we like about them to override the bad, when we know it’s wrong and it eats away at us and makes us feel belittled only to be cast aside in the end? Normal people feel when someone accepts love (which they do) they would return love we think that goes without saying, but not with them. They take and enjoy it and give nothing back. That’s what stings. The things you liked about them, the fun, the laughter, the bits of affection, they really are warm and funny and sweet when they are with you, you can’t rationalize how they can feel that way and then do what they do to you behind your back. I guess it’s like the Fleetwood Mac song, “Players only love you when they’re playing.”

    • JS

      December 11th, 2015 at 9:39 AM

      I am not apprehensive that he will hoover at all. I am sure he has moved on not giving me a second thought. He’s most likey excited about spending the holiday with someone new whom he can lavish all his attention on. I feel sad that only last year, it was his idea to include his mom and daughter in my family’s celebration, seeing a show and opening gifts. Afterwards expressing it was one of the best Christmas’ ever for him. Shortly afterwards I saw online that he had ordered a heart necklace on Amazon for someone else. Previous to Christmas I found out he was seeing a married woman who was in his band. He always had his phone on silent and I answered it. He accused me of invading his privacy and ruining a 5 year friendship. Can you imagine what kind of thinking is that when I had been with him for 7 months at the time thinking it was only me and him. I think I was too shocked at his illogical inappropriate reaction to even react. We broke up but he came looking for me again which was around last Christmas. I took him back and got swooped up in it once again. He never addressed what had occured, my assuming his return meant he was sincere only to find out she was still in the picture, always had been fron day 1. He was always mentioning women who were friends. Now I realize they were probably women he dated from time to time whom he kept around. He didn’t have any male friends. None. Only acquaintances who were fleeting. He’d meet new people all the time whom he was very impressed with and then after a while lose interest. Everything in his life was inconsistent though he claimed to want stability but he created his own havoc.

    • Browndog

      December 11th, 2015 at 10:17 AM

      Hi JS.
      I do recommend Andrea’s Soul Vampires… book and also her good advice.

      Phew… I am not a person who has “conquered” the trauma, but I do recognize it now for what it is. A counselor is helpful, but a counselor who has never experienced narcissistic abuse is restricted to knowing about rather than knowing. Both knowing about and knowing can be helpful to us their clients, but people who have been through this can offer a connected/esthetic knowing that degrees, certifications and licensing exams cannot confer. Others who have been through this have provided both knowledge and empathy on this site and other sites to me, so reaching out to others is a way we can “pay it forward.” In posting here, you have reached out too–so thanks!

    • Browndog

      December 11th, 2015 at 10:41 AM

      JS,
      Wow– you described him as an ex — did that mean ex-husband or ex-boyfriend? I don’t know the level of commitment you were into. It just sounded deep.

      The fact you did get hoovered in last Christmas maybe means Andrea’s caution about our holiday vulnerability just came a year too late for you. Now that you are aware of what is going on, your ex probably knows you are aware of how he operates and might not try to hoover you. Still, I can tell from the way you recall him that you do miss parts of him and times with him. What this communicates to me is that, you did love him. We who are victims of NA all feel that pain of loss of the person we love. We are caught having to come to terms with the person whom we bonded to and miss never existed. We were building a bond with them every moment together. It was so magical for us that we assumed that they were doing that too. They were not. Because they do not (cannot?) bond, they can lose nothing of themselves in a breakup–which is not even really a breakup–it’s just a passage of time during which they are discarding us. They will not miss us. We cannot understand that. We can know about it, but not really know how they feel and rationalize their actions or inactions. Probably if we could know, then maybe we could not love. In that case, probably better to know about than to know.

    • JS

      December 11th, 2015 at 10:59 AM

      He was an ex boyfriend, I was an ex nothing. Apparently I thought it was more serious than he did but it wasn’t my imagination. When I think about how he has trivialized it, I almost feel insane, like my mind and breath are being taken away. I know it’s an over reaction but my brain as much as it reads is in conflict with itself, as if it is too much to comprehend. Like it overwhelms me physically, It cannot accept how someone can not feel, have no sympathy for someone whom they spent time with, someone who never gave them reason to treat this way. To just put someone out of their mind with no accountability, no explanation.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 11th, 2015 at 11:39 AM

      @Browndog – some therapists have also had encounters with narcissists either at work, family or love relationships… but they generally do not disclose personal information to their clients….. never make assumptions about a persons qualifications… also, those without clinical training can actually cause harm to clients — I have seen this on survivor forums….bottom line, be discerning with whom you receive support from.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 11th, 2015 at 12:38 PM

      furthermore, I just encountered a website in which a life coach was claiming to treat C-PTSD, PTSD, depression and anxiety as a result of narcissistic abuse — not only is this illegal, it’s unethical. Just because a survivor wants to help others in their recovery, that does not give them the clinical qualifications to treat the above conditions — I have great concern that so many are hanging a life coach shingle out to jump on the narcissistic abuse recovery bandwagon to make a fast buck — survivors who are vulnerable just want help and have a hard time discerning WHO is qualified to help them and who isn’t….generally speaking, if you are recovering from narcissistic abuse, much less psychopathic abuse, you need to be working with a clinical psychotherapist who can address not only the delicate nuances of narcissistic abuse (a specific form of trauma) but also all the potential ramifications that accompany that recovery (depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, PTSD)…a survivor can certainly be helpful in blogging about his/her experience, but to claim to know how to help survivors with the very intricate and complicated nuances of recovery is being dishonest, deceptive and can cause harm. If you are a survivor, interview a LICENSED clinical helping professional (LCSW, LMFT, PhD, PsyD in clinical social work, counseling, psychology) to assist you who is trained in narcissistic abuse recovery/trauma recovery and has a strengths-focus in their practice. You can’t just hang a “life coach” shingle and know how do to this recovery work unless you have the training to help a client through it. Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • JS

      December 11th, 2015 at 12:55 PM

      I won’t opt for therapy, I just needed an outlet to vent. Thank you Browndog. I did have a setback and sent a Christmas card to him and his 12 year old daughter who I was close with as well. The following day I thought I shouldn’t have did it, it was only going to boost his ego but no harm done as his calls and texts are blocked. I have to learn to harden my heart and be less giving, less sensitive, less sentimental and realize there are heartless people in this world. The less I dwell on it, the more recharged I get. I will try not to dwell, getting past the next two weeks will be a bit difficult, once it’s over I won’t feel as bad. Life goes on and so will I. I always thought well of myself and am not going to let someone who is a horrible human being defeat my spirit.

    • JS

      December 11th, 2015 at 12:56 PM

      Thank you Andrea as well.

    • Browndog

      December 11th, 2015 at 1:05 PM

      Andrea,
      I agree. One problem has been that in some states anyone could hang out a shingle as a counselor, and they did a lot of damage. In a state where I once lived, two of them actually killed a child during a quack treatment. As Michelle Malon noted from her experiences, even otherwise legitimate people may not all be helpful . I think your advice was good on picking a person who has some expertise in narcissistic abuse. I wish that more did have access to those who had that expertise. Further, those of us who think we are dealing with NA may actually be dealing with something else.

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 11th, 2015 at 4:01 PM

      Wishing all healing during the holidays…I know it’s a difficult time…and yes, absolutely, the helping professional needs to be an ethical licensed individual — if they also have a life coaching role, that’s ok — but if they are working on clinical issues like depression/anxiety/PTSD, then they better be a licensed clinician or they are practicing illegally and unethically…. I hope hope that a licensed professional would also practice what they preach and get their own treatment/therapy to keep their own personal “stuff” separate from that of their clients — always good to interview the helping professional and listen to “gut” instinct…Michelle Mallon is great – she is working on a vetted list of licensed providers who are ethical… Healing wishes during the holidays and always….I will be powering off electronically soon, so if there is a specific need, please email me directly through my website…. Peace to all,Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Browndog

      December 11th, 2015 at 6:17 PM

      JS, you said: “Thank you Browndog. I did have a setback and sent a Christmas card to him and his 12 year old daughter who I was close with as well. …but no harm done as his calls and texts are blocked. I have to learn to harden my heart and be less giving, less sensitive….”

      Just some sharing here; I am guessing that it is always difficult to know when we actually committed a setback or when we are acting in ways true to our better selves. A qualified counselor can be good for sorting out where our hearts and motivations are when we have been discarded by a person that we had the capacity to care deeply about. While healing, some professional assistance in helping us not to lose that capacity as we disconnect with the person that cannot handle their relationship to us responsibly can be valuable.

    • Browndog

      December 11th, 2015 at 6:31 PM

      Oh..Andrea, just to clarify my posts above which might have given a wrong impression: my “expertise in narcissistic abuse” referred to professional expertise and training, not to any necessity of having been abused. It seems obvious that a healer does not need to have contracted a deadly disease in order to become really good at treating it, but maybe I should have stated that earlier to leave no doubt. Others who have contracted and fought the disease can be supportive in how to deal personally and internally with coming through this. But neither one nor all of them put together can replace the expertise that the healers have worked hard to acquire.

    • Amy

      December 14th, 2015 at 6:08 AM

      Im going through this now…3rd day of silence from my bf. hes did this 1 other time in the last 3mo. I am shaking with panic/anxiety. I suffer from this disorder anyway but the silence is making it 100 percent worse. I wish he’d just tell me if its over or not so i can get past this.

    • JS

      December 14th, 2015 at 11:20 AM

      It’s so unfair and inhumane. They disregard you and refuse to acknowledge until they chose to return. I wish I had discarded him when my inner gut told me to. The suffering will only get worse. Please muster up the courage to get rid of him before he can do it again and again until be is tired of it and find someone new. Don’t waste any more foolish time on a narcissist. If you really look into any good memories they were all one sided, you were sincere he never was, their lies taint the memories like poison.

    • PollyAnna

      December 15th, 2015 at 5:41 PM

      It’s a game for him, Amy. Try to think of a shady, twisted, cruel violent man disguising himself as a perfect boyfriend to lure you in. Once he starts treating you badly, ignoring and baiting you, once it starts it’s ON. None of us who write here, well over 95 percent are women victims, not one of us has had a different outcome. Such as a good man, returning. Love is not reciprocated, sex is withdrawn. Silent treatments are standard because he LOVES feeling your rage at him. He goes to great lengths to shield himself from consequences to his hateful actions and manner, usually with the people/ other women from the ‘real’ life he fails to disclose. It’s funny my Narc used to say “Does he know that?” As a not so subtle hint to keep talking to him, keep explaining yourself and keep getting frustrated if he doesn’t respond. ANYthing but abandon and ignore him back. You want to hear from him? Ignore him on all fronts. For me that means narrowing his avenues down to a blip and then only considering them when he makes plans to see me. Occassionally I do, And it destroys me.

      THIS includes NOT writing and reading these. I know who my victim NPD is on here, there and everywhere.This is NOT NO CONTACT. I looked the other day to see autistic girl going all out to try to get my attention. I see boyfriend pick up on it, and run with it in his little pee pee way. He’s getting much more grown up and honest about his crap manmanipulations but Aspie needs togive it

    • Browndog

      December 14th, 2015 at 10:09 AM

      If his behavior affects you this way, does he know that? Make no mistake-silent treating is a perpetrator enacting abuse on a victim whether or not the perpetrator is a narcissist. How can you afford depending on such a person as a best friend?

    • JS

      December 14th, 2015 at 2:44 PM

      Amy, you are referring to bf meaning your boyfriend I believe? The types who inflict this type of abuse will leave you without any closure they refuse to acknowledge you as if you don’t exist. It is so hard to comprehend and is so frustrating, I can sympathize with you wholeheartedly. Please don’t let him do it to you not one more time. They will never offer accountability. They have no hearts, consciences or sympathy for anyone, they are black souls.

    • samk

      December 15th, 2015 at 11:26 AM

      6th or 7th week for me. I closed a browser tab and she flipped out. She typed up a note about how terrible I am and has refused to speak to me since then. I have apologized. I have tried to make time to talk to her. Nothing works. So I just go along with my normal routine/schedule. I told her she needs to see a doctor/therapist. I’m about done.

    • carole

      December 15th, 2015 at 6:21 PM

      6-7 weeks for closing a browser tab!!…the record for my narc husband is 10 weeks…to this day I have no idea why.
      I suppose like all narcissists there doesnt have to be a reason to start the silent treatment.
      They know what they’re doing and they do it to deliberately hurt us. Realising that fact and how deliberate his actions were, that was the day I knew I wasn’t spending any more of my life with this man.

    • Traci

      December 16th, 2015 at 1:46 PM

      Carole-
      My record was about 3 months- because I asked him to mow the lawn.
      Traci

    • Court

      December 21st, 2015 at 6:39 PM

      Traci, 7-days because I said “no” when he told me to leave our bedroom because my iPhone was “too loud.” Admittedly, I turned it up even louder. ;)

    • Traci

      December 26th, 2015 at 6:14 PM

      Isn’t it crazy, the dysfunction? Now I can’t believe I tolerated it for 30 years. And yet there are still so many people who think he’s a great guy.

    • Browndog

      December 15th, 2015 at 12:55 PM

      You closed a browser tab and triggered silent treatment? Well that’s a first, but it sounds like part of a pattern and not just an event. Andrea described silent treating as enacted by those with the emotional maturity of a 5-year old. What is worse is a 5-year old’s emotion has been coupled with an adult attention span focused on the negative–not endearing.

      Still, since you are her partner in some way, it might be more in the sense of cooperating to build a better relationship to ask her to go to couples counseling together. Telling a partner they “need” therapy gets uncomfortably close to gaslighting, so be careful. However, if your experience is like mine, she won’t accept any invitation to go together as equals, even if you invite her to choose the therapist. That would show that she doesn’t care about the relationship, or how her silence affects you. The more deluded silent treaters reach for the higher ground “spiritual” excuses like seeking HER inner peace. The fact that HER inner peace comes at the price of abusing you with silent treatment and at the expense of your self-confidence and the trust required for a joint relationship is a reality — it is not “all about her.” If she cannot see past herself to work on the inner peace of the relationship, then it indicates good reason for starting to plan an exit.

    • Browndog

      December 15th, 2015 at 10:20 PM

      PollyAnna,
      It sounds like at least one man has hurt you badly, and I am sorry that this happened to you.

      Most of what you describe is similar to what a number of men, including me, have experienced from women. I have no idea whether your estimate of 95% of victims being women is accurate, but I suspect that being victimized by emotional abuse is more of an “equal-opportunity event” than is presumed. Still, I am sorry for anyone who receives that treatment regardless of gender.

      Your statement “Try to think of a shady, twisted, cruel violent man disguising himself as a perfect boyfriend to lure you in” really gave me pause and the thought: “I only wish that what we had to avoid were that obvious and deliberate.” Maybe I am just naive, but I think that those who do more damage are simply too detached from recognizing their effects on their victims to perform any focused plan to enact cruelty. Silent treating their victims simply keeps them further separated from seeing the damage they do. I believe those that many who cause the damage we attribute to NPs may include emotionally retarded people who simply cannot perceive the destruction of their own words, actions, or lack of beneficial words or actions. That lack of perceptive ability may even be biological. If so, that explains why so many references see narcissism as incurable through counseling. Still, the destruction is equally real whether uncontrollable or deliberate and we need to get ourselves out of its path.

    • mary s

      December 16th, 2015 at 1:42 AM

      This is my estranged daughter to a ‘T’ Yet her husband constantly calls me a narcissist – I am the one who has been trying to contact her to talk, but HE says he is in control and that SHE does not wish to speak to me… So perhaps they are both narcissists – In which case I fear for my grandsons, whom they stop me seeing, the reason for this, who knows…. I have never been told, but I have a very good idea why.

    • Traci

      December 16th, 2015 at 1:44 PM

      Mary-
      I am afraid both my sons have ND. They pretty much have ignored me and I have gotten the silent treatment from my oldest son since I left his dad almost two years ago. They have certainly witnessed his craziness but I think that desire to have a close bond with their dad is so strong that they will forgo their relationship with me to have it. My daughter understands though. I’m now getting married again to a wonderful man- and my sons will have nothing to do with him. They’d rather have this false relationship with a dad who never had time for them. I’m still seeing my counselor- this disorder causes so much damage. I’m praying for you and everyone else who has had to deal with this.
      Traci

    • Browndog

      December 16th, 2015 at 9:05 AM

      The NYT just announced an article “New York State has agreed to overhaul its solitary confinement system, which now isolates some prisoners for years,” and it struck me how silent-treating a partner in the home is so much like the impact of prison “authorities” isolating a human being. Even a prison system was finally stopped (and not of its own accord) and forced to cease its inhumane exercise of isolation. How can anyone now doubt just how toxic silent-treating of another person is? We need widespread recognition, maybe complete with bumper stickers and billboard proclaiming “Silent-Treating IS abuse.”

    • Browndog

      December 16th, 2015 at 7:05 PM

      Traci, you noted: “My record was about 3 months- because I asked him to mow the lawn.” Sometimes I wonder if we could avoid NPs by writing off every person who does not take some pleasure in taking care of her/his own lawn and/or cleaning her/his own home space? I’m half joking here but is it possible that NPs think they are “too good” to do such everyday tasks?

    • Traci

      December 27th, 2015 at 6:12 AM

      I know mine did. He would watch me clean until I was sweaty- from his seat on the couch. I left him with a huge house that I know he doesn’t bother to clean. He once told me “I’m embarrassed because the fridge is dirty.” Why I didn’t say “You have two good hands” I’ve no clue!

    • Langley

      December 18th, 2015 at 5:20 AM

      I wonder if narcicism is actually a symptom of the broader condition of Asperger’s. The aspies I know definitely have the traits ascribed here to NPs. Does anyone know of any studies that have linked the two conditions?

    • carole

      December 18th, 2015 at 6:25 PM

      Langley, I see no traits of NPS in my ASD son…he is nothing like his father who can go for weeks without speaking to “us” his whole life evolves around him…my son is very caring and could never be like his dad. He worries about upsetting him in case it sets another episode of silent treatment…I see no similarities between the 2 conditions

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 18th, 2015 at 8:37 AM

      @Langley — Asperger’s Disorder and narcissism are two VERY different situations… the only common ground is that there is some social skills deficits in both — but I have seen many folks with Asperger’s who have empathy — please do not confuse the two… extreme narcissists have a pervasive pattern of personality issues that are abusive to those who are close to them…those with Asperger’s have a neurological challenge that is ABSOLUTELY NOT narcissism… Happy Holidays All…

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 18th, 2015 at 8:45 AM

      Here’s and article by an MD on not confusing Asperger’s with narcissism: huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/just-listen—dont-confus_b_316169.html (i.e. if someone with asperger’s may show some insensitivity it is not intentional whereas with a narcissist, that insensitivity IS intentional and designed to extract narcissist supply ) Also here is an article I wrote differentiating developmental disabilities with extreme narcissism/psychopathy — these conditions are NOT the same — please do not unfairly label someone on the spectrum (or with a developmental disability) as a narcissist — VERY DIFFERENT situations: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/developmental-delays-alone-do-not-result-in-child-murders-1218126

    • Browndog

      December 18th, 2015 at 9:29 AM

      Andrea has nailed dead center what brings most of us to this and similar sites–the pain caused by abuse or neglect from an intimate partner and the tendency of such partners to devalue and discard their spouses and significant others.

      In my work, I have done a lot with science and understanding science as a way of knowing. To produce the knowledge of science, we learn and make progress through a history that involves making many mistakes. From all I have read, there seem to be many unanswered questions about what “narcissism” really is. We might discover that it is more than just one condition. Questions I already have is whether all narcissists can know or perceive the effects of their treatment of their partners, whether their treating their partners badly is a matter of choice and free will, whether theirs is learned behavior or is instead a brain disorder (inherited?) that leaves some no choice, or whether some narcissists can actually learn their way out of such behavior given enough will power and counseling.

      I know that it is easy to blame a narcissist for the pain they cause us because their treatment is so outrageous and violates every aspect of what an empathetic person can easily see is required for operating in good faith and trust. At the same time, our judgments and expectations that they change could be unfair if reasoned behavior really is not within their capabilities. Surely we cannot depend on such behaviors to fulfill the role of an intimate adult partner who furnishes love and emotional support. Thus, we cannot blame a normal individual for whom love is a life requisite for getting themselves out of being bound in partnership to a narcissist, even if the N is not exercising this behavior by choice.

      If you Google “narcissism and autism” it will bring up many references where investigators are looking about the possibility of a relationship or the existence of a continuum. These investigations may prove to be dead ends or result in a more unifying theory to better understand what constitutes a tragic situation.

    • Browndog

      December 18th, 2015 at 10:01 AM

      Question for Andrea relative to this site- do “Aspies” engage in silent treatment?

    • Andrea Schneider, LCSW

      December 18th, 2015 at 11:05 AM

      @BrownDog — Nope. The silent treatment is an emotional abuse tactic employed willfully and with intention to cause harm by emotional abusers…not the same thing as a social skills mishap with an individual on the autism spectrum. This article is specifically about extreme narcissists. In my opinion, it is dangerous to categorize a person on the autism spectrum as a narcissist …they are very different conditions…in any case, I am signing off now for the holidays, folks. Have a restful, healthy holiday. Talk in the new year….Andrea

    • Browndog

      December 18th, 2015 at 1:15 PM

      Andrea, thank you so much for maintaining this site and responding to comments and questions. Have a wonderful holiday.

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      December 18th, 2015 at 4:27 PM

      Dear Browndog,

      Thanks for your comment! We just wanted to clarify: staff members of GoodTherapy.org moderate and respond to comments as The GoodTherapy.org Team. Andrea responds to comments under her own name. She is a Topic Expert who contributes articles about narcissism, but she is not a GoodTherapy.org staff member.

      Thank you for your continued participation in this discussion. As always, we appreciate your contributions.

      Kind regards,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Browndog

      December 19th, 2015 at 9:30 AM

      GoodTherapy Team, You are to be congratulated on picking such a dedicated topic expert as Andrea. She not only write exceptional articles but respond to queries when reasonable. Judging from the number of comments here, many have found her article useful so thank you for hosting it through your server. I’ll confirm that your site works as an advertisement too. I found my own psychologist through your GoodTherapy site listings.

    • Deb

      December 20th, 2015 at 3:42 AM

      3 years and still it goes on with my daughter. No idea what I have done. If she does speak to me she is verbally abusive. It has broken my heart as I was always there for her emotionally and financially.
      I have to realise it is over and move on. Hard to do.

    • Michelle P.

      December 20th, 2015 at 3:33 PM

      You can still love her without making yourself emotionally or financially vulnerable. Pray for her.

    • poppy

      January 26th, 2016 at 10:27 AM

      I know how you feel Debs, my daughter cut me out of her life 2 years ago, her nac father has a lot to do with it but I do think she is borderline PD.
      It nearly destroyed me she was my world, but you learn to live with the pain. Im moving away & starting a fresh.

    • Michelle P.

      December 20th, 2015 at 3:27 PM

      I find this article so ineresting because NPD is so pervasive in our society today. I agree and appreciate all the posts on the forum, but just want to add another perspective.

      We all have wounds that may not have healed properly, and the extent of our childhood trauma and love received, will effect us as adults. NPD’s are wounded souls.

      While a coworker, or “friend” with NPD needs to be filed in the “watch your back category”, a family member, especially a child, deserves patience and love. My middle child has all the symptoms. Fortunatly she is still a child. A priest friend asked me to be more patient with her, and he explained that she is “wounded” by the birth of her baby sister and perhaps bad experiences. He saw this by watching her interactions. She always acted out and everyone felt the need to discipline and explain how bad she was being. He asked me to treat her with patience and tell her how special she was, because her actions were were cries for attention. Even if the attention meant a smack in the ast. I tried to focus on her good qualities and that did wonders. She has turned from problem child to realizing she is not defined as the “bad one” anymore. The priest told me that sometimes, “the people that need us the most, are the most difficult”.

      Obiously NPD has varying degrees of abuse, but even if we have to walk away, it should be done as lovingly as possible. I also have to say that I consider some people with anxiety, and depression disorders, at par with someone with NPD. Other disorders can be relentless with the verbal and emotional abuse and equally selfish. My point being that we should always try to better ourselves first. Our own strong spiritual faith and good health will keep us stronger in our battles.

      I have seen some people overcome all of those issues with a lot of love and patience. Children are very likely to respond to love. Remember that selfish people, abusers, etc. …really don’t love themselves. The abuse is a symptom of their own unhappiness.

      …..love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is similar, Thou shalt love thy neighbour AS THYSELF. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

    • Browndog

      December 21st, 2015 at 12:50 PM

      Michelle P.,
      You made a point of noting that: “Obiously NPD has varying degrees of abuse, but even if we have to walk away, it should be done as lovingly as possible. I also have to say that I consider some people with anxiety, and depression disorders, at par with someone with NPD. Other disorders can be relentless with the verbal and emotional abuse and equally selfish. My point being that we should always try to better ourselves first. Our own strong spiritual faith and good health will keep us stronger in our battles.”
      I agree with your point that getting ourselves as victims to safety should be done with as much compassion as possible. I worry though, when I read comments that lump different disorders as equivalent. When we take informed action, we need to make a clear demarcation between faith-based approaches to life and evidence-based understanding in cases where the value of science or scientific knowledge has been demonstrated. I am not more comfortable with religious clerics or advocates attempting to practice therapy or psychology than I would be in their attempting to practice medicine. There are times when actions based on good intentions, no matter how appealing, just should not be seen as of equal value to actions based on research and evidence. Certainly, we have autonomy to reject an evidence-based approach, but I think we have an obligation to understand the evidence before we exercise the choice to reject it.

    • Browndog

      December 21st, 2015 at 7:36 PM

      “…he told me to leave our bedroom because my iPhone was ‘too loud.'”
      Court, he should have given you a hug and joked about getting the 1812 Overture with real cannons on his phone in response. It amazes me how the N’s can never seize the humor in such moments to promote closeness but instead reach for the devalue and discard implements. For us, these might be the only tools in their toolbox. Sorry you were subjected to that.

    • Court

      December 26th, 2015 at 11:18 PM

      Browndog:
      I told him, “No, I won’t leave the bedroom,” just because he felt my phone was up too loud. He could have as easily said, “Hey babe, it’s a bit loud? Do you mind turning it down some?” SUUUUUURE! I’d be happy to! But no, that’s not what I got.
      Instead….he left bed & went somewhere until 5am, didn’t speak to me during bfast, didn’t speak to me the 1.5hrs the airport, nor hasn’t spoken to me for 6-days since I arrived home.
      We broke up last year for this VERY thing. After 5-mos he decided his life was a wreck wo me in it. We slooooooooooooowly began talking & I was very leery & reserved. We got back in June 2015 & look where we are now.
      I left him. But I feel no sense of power or victory. I just feel a heartbroken numbness.

    • Mark

      December 26th, 2015 at 4:28 PM

      I live with a narcissist and somehow have become accustomed to the silent treatment I now see it coming whenever I challenge her or the narcissistic supply is not enough. I have learned that no reaction is the only way to respond. Pretending that everything is normal allows me to maintain my self esteem and avoid humiliating myself asking what’s wrong or begging for forgiveness for some apparent slight. I constantly question why I continue in a doomed relationship. Last year after nearly 5 years together I decided to end it, only to fall victim to a charm offensive, no doubt driven by the fear of loss of supply on her part. I guess that my fear of the unknown and being alone is what drives me. I don’t feel as if I have the energy to start again and try and find a healthy partnership at my stage in life. Sometimes the lack of empathy gets to me. Other days I rationalize who has a 100% healthy relationship? I’m locked in this co-dependent dance with my narcissist. Am I clinging on to something that offers no hope? Will I really be happier alone?

    • Kelly

      December 26th, 2015 at 7:30 PM

      I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know that the thought of starting from scratch, the dating scene, weeding through people seems far too daunting. I just walked out on my narc three nights ago and have spent the past three days wondering if trying to find someone new is not worse than the silent treatment with a familiar lover and partner. It’s scary out there. I don’t know your age but I know at my age I just don’t have the energy to start afresh so I fear I will be alone forever. I wish you all the best. No one deserves the torture these beasts visit on us. They really are evil creatures feeding on our goodness until they’ve dried us up.

    • Beth

      December 26th, 2015 at 8:10 PM

      This article describes exactly the “dance” I had in my marriage. Thankfully, I got out over 10 years ago. Mark, are you really able to ignore the silent treatment? I tried to ignore him; and I stopped outwardly reacting to his actions. However, I felt awful on the inside. Bottom line was he was hurting me and it didn’t make a difference whether I gave him the satisfaction of knowing or not. Fast forward 10 years, and the guy still does the same thing to me. Yes, he’s around because we had kids together. And yes, he still pouts in an attempt to manipulate me. Do I feel badly sometimes? Of course I do, old habits die hard and I am too empathetic for my own good. However, I no longer live with him and I no longer need to stay around dealing with his assinine, narcissistic and selfish ways. I would rather be alone then be with him or anyone who seeks to hurt me continuously. It’s a New Year. Every day is a gift. Don’t waste it living a miserable existence. Living in peace is the way to go. Surround yourself only with people that want you to be happy. You will never be alone.

    • Traci

      December 27th, 2015 at 6:16 AM

      Mark-
      Don’t stay. I lived with my husband for 30 years and my regret is that I stayed so long. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years because of his emotional abuse to both me and our children. I’ve never seen it get better for anyone. I am now in a wonderful relationship with the love of my life and getting married next May. Trust me, when you are away from it, you feel as if a weight has been lifted from you. Good luck!
      Traci

    • Mark

      December 27th, 2015 at 12:33 PM

      Traci,
      Intuitively you are right. It was a great effort to summon up the courage and make a break in January this year. I read all the stuff about clean breaks and acted accordingly. I even found a new apartment to move into… But it was the thought of a leap into the unknown that stopped me. Somehow I have convinced myself that a dysfunctional relationship is better than no relationship. For six months it seemed like I had made the right decision and I had reset the boundaries between us. Yet I now appreciate that I remain in a very one sided relationship, unloved and with an empty bank account, as I continue to be used to finance her life projects. The fundamental dynamics of our relationship will never get better – you are completely correct in this aspect. She would have left me long ago if she could have found a better source of supply, I’m completely sure. Worse still, when I cease to be of use I know I will be discarded as quickly as yesterday’s newspaper. I have been divorced three times and have very bad antenna for picking the right life partner. I cannot afford to make another mistake and to become victim to another predatory female. So possibly I should just be content with my own company and direct my energies elsewhere. My friends tell me this. Although I hate the idea of being alone.

    • Traci

      December 30th, 2015 at 4:07 PM

      Mark-
      You sound like a wonderful and caring man. I’m convinced that it is better to be alone than with someone who is a narc. I didn’t even realize until I got Ono counseling how much damage he had actually done because I suppressed it for so long. I would still have left him and been happier even if I hadn’t found someone else. I feel strongly that there is someone out there for everyone and that it just takes time. Don’t settle though. All or nothing. God bless!
      Traci

    • salma

      January 16th, 2016 at 5:52 AM

      Hi Mark I am married to a narc for 17 years believe me it never gets better only worse over time.I started reading about this behavior few months ago after suffering for one year of silent treatment .I too resorted to begging texting phoning with no response as the article says.The abuser wants to punish and see u at your lowest and still trample you further .I am now for the first time standing up to him and he can’t handle it I stopped dressing up as he expects I make sure I look good I’m the most important person now and I’m getting my confidence back.I am on divorce now a welcome relief from the pain and suffering

    • Browndog

      December 26th, 2015 at 7:39 PM

      “Isn’t it crazy, the dysfunction? Now I can’t believe I tolerated it for 30 years. And yet there are still so many people who think he’s a great guy.”
      Traci, look up Christine Louis de Canonville’s web site, especially the effects of gaslighting on victims of narcissistic abusers. They are not with others like they are with us (significant others). Significant others expect loyalty, love, support, physical closeness, and empathy as part of family and home. Outside relationships rarely demand that. In fact, to do so is often seen as inappropriate, so the N’s inability to provide that on a day to day basis is never put to the test. You will find reference after reference to victims of narcisssists not being believed. Narcissists’ ability to charm others seems symptomatic of the disorder.

    • Browndog

      December 26th, 2015 at 8:46 PM

      Mark,
      Given the situation you describe, I would recommend that you get a good counselor because the decision you need to make is too important to make based only on website interactions and information from reading. Would your partner be willing to go with you to investigate how to build a relationship into a shared life that neither of you will want to give up? Whether she will or will not participate with you in building such a life will be telling. If she refuses, don’t let that stop you from going alone to find answers that matter. When you say ” I don’t feel as if I have the energy to start again and try and find a healthy partnership at my stage in life.” My question is, do you want to come back to read this a year from now and find yourself in the same place with this same energy? You also said: “Sometimes the lack of empathy gets to me. Other days I rationalize who has a 100% healthy relationship?” Ultimately, it is only your relationship that counts, and your note seems to be a call for some answers about it. A spouse who willing to participate with you as a partner in building trust and love in a relationship is essential to having it. A good counselor will help you to discover whether your partner has that kind of mettle, whether she participates or not. One does not need to diagnose a partner as a narcissistic abuser. One only needs to ascertain “am I an unwilling partner in an abusive relationship?”

    • ***Ken

      December 27th, 2015 at 1:22 AM

      I have lost all desire or want to communicate with my wife. Am I a narcissist? She abuses me verbally telling lies upon lies and no measure of explaining, telling, threats, negotiating or any normal forms of communication can get her to stop. It’s all about her fantasy that me and my entire family is abusing her.

      My mom is in deep depression and my dad’s business is closing down. Everyone in the family is hurt and wife has my baby that I can only see on Weekends and even that she made it impossible without verbal abuse.

      I have totally given up and now just be silent. Last 2 weeks she started hitting me. Slaps and punches the more I do not respond to her.

      And you paint me as the abuser?

    • Me

      December 28th, 2015 at 7:53 PM

      Ken I have known women like what your wife sounds like. Get out. That’s my advice. I believe this will happen: The moment you defend yourself from her physical attacks she will run screaming that YOU are abusing her. I am a woman and I have had “friend” pull this crap. Get out and get away from her and fight for your child. You’re not the one with the problem. You’re not the N. I wish you all the best.

    • Browndog

      December 27th, 2015 at 1:56 PM

      Court,
      So sorry. We who love the N’s get the heartbreaking numbness. They get the appetite for their next victim. Do I ever know that feeling. The one thing we can know is that our N’s do not have that heartbreaking numbness for us. Every time we feel badly, we should realize that they can’t.

    • Maggie

      December 27th, 2015 at 4:19 PM

      Hello,

      I just found this page after looking in Google for what to do about my husband giving me the silent treatment for 5 days.
      I’ve been getting treatment for depression and also learnt I have narcissistic parents. Normally I run to either my husband or my parents searching for love but don’t find it in either place.
      Thank you for posting this article. It makes alot of sense in a really sad way.

    • carole

      December 28th, 2015 at 10:08 AM

      Hi Maggie, that’s exactly how I ended up here. You will find lots of support and advice. I’ve been married to my narc husband for 26 years but recently found the reason for his intolerable behaviour by looking it up on Google.
      Best of luck x

    • Traci

      December 30th, 2015 at 4:16 PM

      Carole and Maggie-
      I did too. Googled his symptoms after 28 years and couldn’t believe it when I saw NPD staring me in the face. It was both the best and worst day of my life. Incredible relief that I wasn’t alone but despair since I knew he could never change. I divorced him about 18 months later and am now in a warm and happy relationship with the love of my life. They cannot and will not change. I just wish I had left sooner. Don’t ever settle again! Best of luck,
      Traci

    • salma

      January 10th, 2016 at 12:50 AM

      I have been reading your article which relates to my situation married for 17 years with this abuse silent treatment.After marraige the abuse started began with one month silence progressing to 3 months at a time sleeping in seperate rooms so my depression started .I was hospitalised five years into the marraige the confusion blaming myself I lost my self esteem and confidence in the process.my spouse lacks compassion kindness its about punishment in the worst form.More recent in Dec 2014 we had a disagreement he has not spoken to me to date isolates himself in the other room sleeping seperately .I can’t begin to explain the torture I have been thru my soul is gutted I have lost all trust in men I cannot allow him near me the pain he’s put me through I was hospitalised again I now suffer with anxiety trembling in my hands grinding my teeth.I am in recovery and have filed for divorce which is where I am at.This after 17 years of marraige having read about this behaviour I realise either I will become a mental case or die I am getting out for my sanity.These persons have no remorse .I

    • carole

      January 11th, 2016 at 2:28 AM

      Salam
      I have also filed for divorce.
      I’m neatly 27 years married 32 years with him and his behaviour definitely got worse as the years passed.
      It doesn’t go away and it’s in him…no matter what I do or say..

    • carole

      January 11th, 2016 at 2:31 AM

      Sorry about my spelling Salma,I’m using my mobile and I’m sure it makes up its own words

    • salma

      January 16th, 2016 at 5:35 AM

      Hi Carole its just a pity its taken us such a long time to see and realise it was in last year that I started reading about this behaviour that made me realise I needed to get out.He took the best years of my life.I am originally from a christian background married into islam I changed my way of dressing did everrything to please him at the detriment of me.I have reclaimed my identity I am more confident I dress up smartly I am finding myself again.I have been isolated from. My family for a long time I’m spending more time with them now.I’d rather be alone than in this marraige wherein I am alone anyway

    • Browndog

      December 28th, 2015 at 12:36 AM

      “Worse still, when I cease to be of use I know I will be discarded as quickly as yesterday’s newspaper. I have been divorced three times and have very bad antenna for picking the right life partner. I cannot afford to make another mistake and to become victim to another predatory female. So possibly I should just be content with my own company and direct my energies elsewhere. My friends tell me this. Although I hate the idea of being alone.”

      Mark, wow. When I read this, I could feel the hurt and the despair. I am sorry that you are going through this, and what you described is not a unique experience. Attracting or becoming attracted to the wrong kinds of people is a pattern, so it doesn’t necessarily stop with one hapless event with an NP. You have described a life pattern that has not provided the kind of life that you want. Any direction that leads out of that seems a step up.

      I have no qualification to help you to decide whether leaving or staying in your present relationship is a good decision, but getting a handle on understanding both the pattern and your specific situation seems to be a valuable way to assess that.. The fact that you found this web page and that it resonated sufficiently with you to reach out for support does indicate you identified relevance. Following this site further to get the personal help of a professional. If you scan earlier comments, you will see reference to a compilation of counselors who have developed expertise in working with victims of narcissism. If none practice in your area, I believe you will find some mention by following some links from this site to one or two counselors with practitioners who focus on narcissism and who may be able to do some consultation with you online.

    • Julian

      December 28th, 2015 at 4:08 AM

      I have been subjected to 3 months of silence, she did the same to her sister for 10 years and her best friend for 2 years and nine of us know why. I took the approach that the good times were worth it and put upBathe abuse.

      When I made us split she said I was stupid as I was going to be the centre of attention once the kids went to uni the same year.

      It’s destroyed our relationship and i am working to separation and our councillor says she has Bpd syndrome.

    • carole

      December 28th, 2015 at 10:02 AM

      I’ve allowed my narc husband to spend Christmas with us as a family.
      He wanted me to have a drink with him on Christmas night but I was tired so went to bed leaving him in the living room.
      The next say when I woke up he was sulking and I made the mistake of asking him what was wrong….of course he said nothing then started to say I could have made an effort, this is the last christmas he would spend with us before stropping off in a huff.
      He ignored me all day so I sent him an email attaching slogans about silent treatment and how I’m much happier without all the stress he’s created and 1 slogan saying “remember when your ignoring her you have taught her to live without you” and “Silent treatment doesn’t solve anything it just creates more problens” He popped his head around my bedroom door the next morning and actually smiled and asked if he could get me anything…no mention has been made about the email but he’s forcing himself to appear happy

    • Browndog

      December 28th, 2015 at 2:37 PM

      Carole, I am glad that I found this site a while ago. I never understood the nature of silent treating or its relationship to narcissistic abuse until I was caught in the devaluation and discard. It is astounding to me how silent-treating a partner is sometimes advocated as a way of getting “spiritual” peace and grounding. What a crock. I see little stronger evidence of the self-absorption of narcissism than the silent treating practitioner’s being unable to see the degrading, dehumanizing abuse that is the actual product of silent treating of one’s partner. If one is silent-treating her or his partner, this is not spiritual development. It is simply abuse.

    • carole

      January 6th, 2016 at 3:13 AM

      Hi Browndog
      Even though I’m coping well with all the upheaval after been with him for more than half my life what sends me into deep anxiety when I’m ignored.
      It just makes me hate him. He knows full well that it upsets me but again on NYE after returning home from an evening out with our youngest son we were greeted with a happy new year then…..nothing !!….my oldest son was home, we always make sure we are home by 12 to see the new year in and a couple of friends called.
      He shut himself in his room, refused to join us and made us feel very uncomfortable.
      My oldest and his friend spoke to him but we’re told he wanted to be left alone.
      He waited until he heard me going upstairs so he could glare at me.
      He then went into the spare room slammed the door and ignored me for 2 days.
      I think he’s a very very selfish man, he doesn’t care about the effect his moods have on our youngest and he thinks only of himself.
      Then like a light being switched on he’s speaking again.
      It’s a relief although I won’t show him, I can’t stand the silences and creeping around his issues.
      Sometimes I feel like I could completely lose it but for my son’s sake I’m keeping it together

    • Browndog

      December 28th, 2015 at 8:17 PM

      Ken,
      Short answer first: in the situation you described, no. From what I can tell, you can hardly in a position to be the abuser.
      Next, I am sorry that you are being treated like this at a time when you have more coming at you than any person should be expected to handle. Your challenges sound horrible, and your life sounds really harsh right now.

      If you read the posts back for the past two or three months, you will see a clear distinction being made between silent treating, short term withdrawal to safety, and No Contact where you have split to separate spaces and need minimal contact to heal.
      You revealed in your post that you only see your child on weekends, so from that disclosure it seems you are not sharing a living space or in a work environment, both of which involves sharing a space in which you need to cooperate and communicate in order to do what you came to that space to do. It appears that you are not even in a position to silent treat her since you have separate space and separate lives.

      Physical hitting isn’t just abusive; it is illegal. Most times, the person who resorts to hitting will be obligated to leave the home if it is a space that you both share. If you have a counselor or lawyer, and you really deserve the support of one during this awful time, you should report the physical abuse, not to “get” your wife but instead to bring the violence to an end. That action protects her too by preventing it from going further. When I was struck by my wife, our counselor made her move out of our house. That forced separation gave her time to reflect on what she had done, and to her credit she took responsibility. That never happened again.

    • Concerned

      January 5th, 2016 at 2:23 AM

      My boyfriend deleted the conversation between him and his mom after I asked him what she said. He also was playing draft kings behind my back. (He fights a gambling addiction) He was being secretive on his phone and not sharing the truth of what he was doing. I confronted him by saying I feel sad that you hide things from me. He denied it defensively. I went and slept on the couch. I text him “you hide things and lie about it. U r not my confidon. I will just be the same as you and do things behind your back and not disclose everything. He text me to “f off” and the next morning he was revengeful by accusing me of being unfaithful when he knows I wasn’t unfaithful. And he was loud and my mom and my daughter were both sleeping. I just said nothing and that is what i often do when he gets this way. Am I a narcissist? Or what do I need to work on?

    • Concerned

      January 5th, 2016 at 2:48 AM

      Ps- we live together. I am 34 and he is 32. Shortly after I posted this he said “I will move” because he was mad we were fighting. Our relationship has been on and off.

    • carole

      January 6th, 2016 at 3:45 AM

      Concerned
      Hello, you so remind me of me and how I was living 20 years ago.
      My husband has a gambling addiction also,
      He has gambled every penny he’s ever earned leaving me to take care of all our bills.
      He has always been very secretive and has often hidden money (which I found after looking for something else). He’s a compulsive liar and gambler.
      According to him I’ve had many affairs and cheated with half the village.
      His latest accusation is that I have an unhealthy interest in my oldest sons friends, it’s all very insulting and he gives himself excuses to justify his bad behaviour.
      We nearly lost our house as he gambled away the monthly mortgage repayments.
      We still live in the same house but are seperated and despite his promises to leave he’s asking for more and more time.
      The more I write about him the more I realise how much I’ve put up with for nothing in return, he’s made no amends and simply twisted everything to be my fault. It’s not easy and I wish way back then I’d not pushed the problems to the back of my head

    • D.K.

      January 6th, 2016 at 11:02 PM

      Sounds like your husband needs more time to secure a new victim. It makes me mad and sad and explode/implode to be forced into these corners. When I tried to leave my Narc he wouldn’t have it. He doesn’t care if it’s being hated or loved as long as I’m attached. There were a couple months he would spend about a third of his day making me feel physically uncomfortable and stalking or dissing me in every way. Didn’t matter much if I was nice in return or not but that I was trapped into his bully brigade. He’s a bully, with a big mouth and hapless cohorts with him at all times lest he come upon one of the 100s of chicks or men he’s wronged in his city. So much of what he does is a big ruse and the illegal things he gets other people to do.

      So in some sort of crappy evil contract we’ve agreed that I will stay firmly rooted while he leisurely finds some other hapless victims to solder himself too. It has to be like that, or it will be years like this. There aren’t even problems between us like so many others in his life and past, so he makes a point to do as close to nothing for me as possible, unless it’s stealing a friend, trolling my neighborhood, talking crap, never making good on his money obligations or pitting everyone against each other. Meanwhile, to me he is attachment business as usual. If only I was willing to submit my life and will to him then everything is fine. If he came to live with me and my kids I He finds all I reach out to and scrambles it to his advantage by talking down to me. He sleeps with anyone I mean everyone if he’s accusing you of sleeping with your son’s friends I would be pretty certain he’s doing that. Yes, the male friends they are right there after all, and so convenient. He’s likely plotting to have something to hold over your son should the time come he needs leverage.
      So, I get what you’re saying.
      The only thing that stopped my ex was going to jail. So much of his behavior was shameless but assaulting people is shameless and illegal. And embarrassing to have a grown man act the way he does in public. He was arrested without a word from me, the police had their sources I in upset neighbors.

      In jail I knew where he was sitting and what he was doing so could breathe finally. The minute he was gone all the drama and tragedy stopped in an instant. Took me a long time to wind down but the relief was incredible.

    • carole

      January 20th, 2016 at 9:46 AM

      DK
      How very similar all our stories are, it’s uncanny.
      One of the things that jumps out at me from most of the posts here is the fact that they disrespect up, talk down to us, humiliate us, have no empathy or concience after hurting/upsetting us…..but will take great offence should we say anything slightly derogatory about them …I could just look at him in the wrong way and I would get “what’s wrong with your face” which would start another episode…

    • Browndog

      January 5th, 2016 at 10:02 AM

      Good that you are living together so that you can learn about one another. You do not sound like a narcissist to me. Instead, you sound like a compassionate person who is hurt and going short term into your own space to prevent being hurt more. You seem to be trying to talk with him about an important issue, and that is the opposite of silent-treating. You want the trust and the conversation needed with a significant other about trust. It sounds as if he cannot presently handle either. If you still value the relationship, you could ask him to go to couples counseling in order to learn to build trust and communication. If he rejects this, you may need to accept the truth that he does not value the relationship enough to work to build it. I’d worry more about his narcissistic traits than your own, based on your note. Sorry you are hurting. Few come to this site unless they are feeling both concern and hurt.

    • SGirl

      January 8th, 2016 at 8:23 PM

      Thank you so much. People here and this blog describe my last “relationship.” I have been in such pain and had no idea and was feeling really bad. I will re-read this every time I miss his goodness and attempt to reach out to him (because there was goodness in the beginning). Wow! Again thank you all so much!

    • SGirl

      January 8th, 2016 at 8:36 PM

      Thank you so much. People here and on this blog describe my last “relationship.” I have been in such pain and had no idea. Ive heard these terms but didn’t know how they manafested or that mirrored my guy’s behavior. I will re-read this every time I miss his goodness and attempt to reach out to him (because there was goodness in the beginning). Wow! Again thank you all so much!

    • Browndog

      January 10th, 2016 at 3:11 PM

      Salma,
      Seventeen years! Holy Cow!! You are lucky to be alive. Yes, you do need to get out of there ASAP. I too know trembling–possibly tingling hands & forearms, irregular heartbeat, adrenal exhaustion or elevated blood pressure too?
      Let me make a few more guesses here.
      1. He has never apologized to you for anything.
      2. His only comments to you are criticisms and every initiative you take no matter how small is fair game.
      3. You cannot remember the last time he paid you a compliment.
      4. He does not share his friends with you. When they do something fun, “you are not invited.”
      5. “There is something wrong with your brain,” but he is just too perfect to show up with you for couples counseling. 6. You started noticing this about 17 years back because he did not want to be touched, hugged or held and you felt pushed away and then ugly and tainted.
      7. He has priority time for every recreational activity and every friend except for you and the marriage.
      8. When you call or text him he often will not answer.
      9. He quit having meals with you about a year or two into the marriage.
      10. If you confront him on silent treatment being abuse, he has a line spiritualistic of BS about it being about his inner peace or maintaining a good mental place, so he simply HAS to avoid speaking to you.
      How many out of ten?
      By the way, the traits I’ve listed are originating from my experience in abuse from a woman, not a man. No gender is immune from spousal abuse from such treatment.

    • salma

      January 11th, 2016 at 2:53 AM

      Hi. Browndog you are 100 per cent right. Never apologised once in the marraige. Stopped eating meals I prepared rather takeaways.Everytime I called he switched of his phone .Text messages to him no response . I can’t remember ever receiving a compliment from him.Intimacy on his terms when it suited him or rather to satisfy his needs .Constant criticism .People on the outside would never believe it he is so charming will do anything for them in fact meeting him u would never believe it.I have felt humiliation for a long time .I just want him out of my life .

    • Traci

      January 11th, 2016 at 8:53 AM

      I had rotator cuff surgery 3 days ago. My sons who are not talking to me since I divorced my narc husband and filed for an annulment have not called or texted to see how I’m doing. They know exactly how bad a parent their dad was but now are completely on his side. They crave a good relationship with him so much that they will completely forget about me. I was the one always there for them, the only stable and loving parent but guess none of that matters.
      Traci

    • Browndog

      January 11th, 2016 at 2:34 PM

      Salma,
      This is one of those times when there is no satisfaction in getting a 100%.

      I am sorry to know what you have been through, but you have been through it much longer than I have. When we discover what we have gotten ourselves into, the reaction is shock and wanting to cry as we realize that the relationship we committed to has received a death sentence.

      When you noted: “People on the outside would never believe it he is so charming will do anything for them in fact meeting him u would never believe it.I have felt humiliation for a long time,” this is the rule, not the exception. You will find lots of validation on Christine Louis DeCanonville’s site that you can find when you Google “the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome,” especially in the comments that follow the article. It is common for victims of narcissists not to be believed when the facts start to surface. If you Google “what happens when victims of narcissists are not believed” you will find many sites that describe what you just described. There are far more than I ever realized that are going through this.

    • Browndog

      January 12th, 2016 at 8:49 AM

      Traci,
      Heal well and take care of yourself for now. While it is understandable that you are feeling a bit abandoned right now, there is a saying, “Truth will out.#8221; It may take some time, but eventually kids start to wonder what really happened, ask questions and begin to figure it out. Now they may be too young and just too close to the event to begin that process.

    • Bianca

      January 12th, 2016 at 11:26 AM

      I am going currently thru silent treatment and isolation from my boyfriend of 5 years .. We never had a healthy relationship from the beginning and after 4 years together we broken up as we had to many heated arguments .. I come from an 3 years relationship were the guy cheated on me with 6 woman and after that had a break of man for 2years and then I meet my current boyfriend , he was charming loving and caring for a few months and one day I got too drunk and accused of him cheating and yes he could just left me then but he forgive me but then he changed he become more distante and not touching so I thought that is all my fault for my behaviour . But things got worse , he was constantly on Facebook didn’t not talk to me or give me attention because I asked who he was chatting with .. He become very defenceable towards me so start to feel like I was walking on eggshell when I asked something , I become more unsecured as he would not make love too me or even kissing was no longer there . It went for a few months and then I confortable him if he was cheating then things went bad to worse as I leave and left him for a few days as I couldn’t take it anymore and he ended with me with abusive language and blaming me for our break down ..after 6 months after a few calls we went back together and he shown me again the love and attention but after a few arguments which we managed to talk ..but this last argument has been the worse , lately I asked if he had what’s up account which he admitted he had but didn’t use a long time ago but then I discovered he has been using and I comforted him and he said that he was using to contact a friend that he owns him money , but prior to that he acted strange his phone use to be on table then he started to put on his pocket and I told him this and he said he find the do this on purpose he uses his phone every time he goes to the bathroom so feeling even more insecure , he just tells me is his phone and he can do what he wants with it .. I also found out that he had pictures of the Xmas party he went to when he told me he didn’t he said to me without realising and then tells me that he took a picture of a girl as his boss asked for him to send to him as he didn’t go to the party , he never called me when he went to this party when I called him to see if he was coming home he didn’t answer my calls and when he didn’t apoligise for not answering .., I am currently leaving with him but because we just sign out for 6monyhs tenancy but how long will he give me this silent treatment ?

      Please help me what should I do .. Sorry for such a long tex

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      January 12th, 2016 at 11:38 AM

      Dear Bianca,

      The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice. If you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a therapist, please return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

      Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

      Kind regards,

      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • trying to help

      January 20th, 2016 at 7:26 PM

      Honestly from what you just explained, it sounds like youve pushed him away by being relentlessly insecure and accusatory..i dont know if hes a narcissist because everything you explained he did was a reaction to your behavior. If you love someone, trust them. If you dont, leave them..because its not fair to either one of you.

    • Jennifer

      January 26th, 2016 at 5:33 AM

      No I don’t think you’ve pushed him away u have every right not to trust him he’s given u many.

    • Browndog

      January 12th, 2016 at 7:11 PM

      Bianca,
      If you sought out this site and called for help, life is rough right now in your relationship. You care about that relationship, and you you justifiably feel pain and grief when it destroys trust and brings mistreatment. So sorry you are hurting in this way.

      I do think guidance with a counselor is a good step to get the help you call out for. The Goodtherapy team that maintains this site almost surely saw that this was timely too, as they posted a link to some qualified counselors for you.

      I cannot quite tell from your text, but it appears to me that you and BF are stuck together in being jointly responsible for paying the rent on the same living space for a few months, and I am guessing further that neither of you can afford to be paying double rent for another place so that you can each live on your own for these months. Assuming that it isn’t practical for either of you to find separate space right now, does it seem like it would be worth it to try a joint counseling session together to help you can live these months together amicably as you wind out the lease and develop plans to go your own separate paths? While it sounds like this relationship isn’t working and the two of you have not been able to resolve that on your own, maybe a counselor can help you both understand why it isn’t working. If you are stuck together because of a lease, and there is no physical violence between you two to cause danger in staying together, you might as well use your “stuck time” to learn how not to land in a bad place again. If BF won’t go, you can learn a lot by going without him. Extending an invitation to him at least begins the process with respect. If he refuses, which he probably will if he is a narcissist, you can still get benefits useful for your life.

      It sounds like you need support, and the kind of support that you need requires going beyond the emotional support available on web sites like this one.

    • Kyle

      January 13th, 2016 at 2:51 PM

      There are great risks to women because of the Narcissist I know’s sexual promiscuity. Be very warned and get tested! Do not believe any psychopath who tells you they are clean and look with your eyes for obvious physical signs of disease.

      Every girlfriend this guy has ends up on lifetime medication because of the STDs he carries and transmits. I think he purposefully gives it to his partners when he’s mad at them.

      Good luck getting him to do a cheek swab .. 30 second test he somehow never found the time.

    • salma

      January 17th, 2016 at 10:24 PM

      Thanks so much for the article and responses its been such an awakening call for me

    • Michelle

      January 19th, 2016 at 9:13 AM

      Hi
      I am going thru the silent treatment for the millionth time in our 6 years relationship. This time because I caught him cheating yet again….this time with a tranny prostitute. ..the fourth that I know of . He is a compulsive liar and he beats me . He has spent time in prison for beating me.
      I am at my wits end and feel I am going insane . I have hurt myself before to try and deal with the pain and because of him I have ended up in hospital twice due to mental breakdowns . I feel like I am alone and there is no one who can help me .

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      January 19th, 2016 at 11:19 AM

      Dear Michelle,

      Thank you for your comment. We would like to provide you with some relevant links that may be of some help. We have more information at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-abuse.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

      If you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a therapist, we encourage you to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

      Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

      There is help and hope. We wish you the very best.

      Kind regards,

      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • bm

      January 19th, 2016 at 11:31 PM

      I have been married 20 years. we have a beautiful 8 year old son. my wife has given me the silent treatment for most of our marriage….her silent treatment can last for weeks. of course, we have a sexless marriage… the current silent treatment is because I complemented a woman at church on her appearance,(I have no recollection of the complement)…. any thoughts on my situation?

    • Browndog

      January 20th, 2016 at 1:22 PM

      bm,
      It is hard to tell what is going on at your end from just a sentence or two.
      i cannot imagine needing to raise a child together but having ongoing silent treatment constantly subverting the cooperation that parents need. Any place where silent treatment is normal is a toxic place. It is no way to live. If your wife is a narcissistic abuser, she won’t stop, but maybe she is not. I would suggest using the goodtherapy leads already posted, and trying some joint counseling to see if your home can become a more suitable place in which to live. So sorry you are experiencing this. It’s no way to live.

    • Julie

      January 22nd, 2016 at 3:58 PM

      Hi,

      Thank you for this article. I grew up in a narc house, with constant feelings of confusion and shame. When I started to draw the line with my family members (individually) is when I really started to find myself. I have endured so much emotional pain through many years of abuse from my mother, father and brother. I detached myself from my mother initially, which led to WW3. In the end, she was able to “see the light”. My dad and I had a terrible time, he defamed my character to keep me away because he couldn’t accept any personal responsibility. Years went by before my husband could get through to him. The countless emails, texts, etc….he just ignored or argued. Now, we are surface…good, but surface.

      Currently I have been receiving a silent treatment from my brother because I didn’t fly home to go to his 2nd wedding. (1st one blew up, and his wife made my life a living hell. At that time, my brother stopped talking to me to “support” her.) I went out of my way to explain my circumstances, apologized multiple times, tried offering perspective, time or even wonderful articles on siblings, expectations and forgiveness. All of which he either argued or ignored. (Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.) I have broken down at times to my mother, she keeps telling me she is so sorry. She has tried talking to him, but he can so easily shut her down. She wants to be with her grandchildren, so the issue gets put away, and he gets to keep her support. (My father’s also)
      Recently the new wife reached out to me, and tried to be so super nice and sweet. It pissed me off. I responded cool, as in temp, but also in “I’m not getting into this.” I have explained myself until I’ve turned blue. I found out my brother went off on my Mom for bringing me up again, so I got ahold of him, and he ignored me. After almost a year of not trying to convince him I’m not a jerk….I lost my sh*t in an email, and told him we were done. His wife responded, and not surprisingly wasn’t so super nice and sweet.

      I am ashamed that I let my buttons get pushed and I acted like a child. I just gave them both reasons to be mad at me. Ugh!! But, silver lining is that I can finally breathe.

    • carole

      February 1st, 2016 at 5:11 PM

      Well….today has been a day from hell. …I’ve just been poorly for 2 days after my cfs kicked in and I’ve spent 2 days in bed sleeping…I’d forgotten however that 3 days previously he hadn’t been speaking to me.
      I’d asked something concerning work this morning and this tone a annoyed me and despite my best efforts not to retaliate I did…this led to a bit of titles for tat nonsense and ended up with me accusing him of lying about his gambling where he swore he hadn’t and I told him I knew exactly what he’d been up to as I’d had a camera installed in his room and seen everything….
      With that he told me it was ilegal to spy on anyone with a hidden camera and was going to “get me jailed ” and called the police.
      He dialed and hung up but not before connecting when the police constantly called back until he answered.
      He made an excuse up and I had to speak to them also where I told them everything was not OK and he was leaving.
      They said they needed to come visit to make sure I was ok but 6 hours later no show.
      What a fool

    • Jennifer

      February 2nd, 2016 at 2:29 AM

      Good for you Carole. He started the precedence of surveillance if he ‘s anything like the Narc I’ve mentioned here before.

      Would you mind telling us what he DID to end or try and win in this camera situation?

      For the third time publicly I’ve asked my exNarc to remove the surveillence and cameras / mics wireless access amd his response was to go overboard with his posts about what I just did in my own bedroom today.

      To think that he has been watching and invading my privacy like this for about 9 months at least. Ever since the emotionally disturbed neighbor used a key she took to let him in.

      Creepy is as freaky does. I’ll bet the disturbed girl knows the http site where he can view me.

      If you take down the camera,Carole be sure to put another one up. He would.

    • carole

      February 2nd, 2016 at 10:16 AM

      The thing is I knew he was still gambling as he hasn’t paid his way since before christmas despite his promises and how dare I think that if him.
      I lied about the camera, I’ve bought one and fully intended to install it but I didn’t get round to it, because of his tone and I’d been poorly I told him to stop lying as I’d seen everything.
      I was quite shocked at his initial reaction of “I’m going to have you jailed”.
      He has played the part of the wronged man today, how dare I spy on him, how low can I be. He couldn’t even look at me.
      The police came out this morning to check we hadn’t beaten each other up and after they went OMG..he would be gone as soon as possible, he could not live in my home a second longer, I am the worst person ever. I’d caught him out in the biggest lie and god knows what else he’s up to in there and it’s all my fault.
      This afternoon after a snide comment I’ve told him everything I ever thought about him has been proved.
      He is a prolific lier and gambler and a porn addict.
      Then I told him I lied, no camera just my instinct, this is after he’s nearly killed himself looking for this camera.
      Well after it sunk in I didn’t in fact know everything he’s been up to his whole demeanour changed, went from loathing Mr to wanting to talk, hovering around my work room.
      He had already answered my questions, I’ve been more upset about the fact he actually dialed 999 and wanted me jailed.
      I wonder who he thought was going to pay the bills and run this house ( not that the police were interested, I can put cameras up anywhere I want in my own property).
      He really hates everything about me and I’ve only just realised it today

    • Jennifer

      February 2nd, 2016 at 11:39 AM

      Thanks for writing back with that. You have to know I can relate, we can relate. With my ex it was “stop the presses!” Everyone must drop whatever they were doing – work, bath, feeding the baby, and focus on him and his outrageous new emotional event!
      No matter that he may have caused it, or we’d been down that road before and weren’t interested in hearing about it again .. if I didn’t stop all and focus on his b.s., I would be physically forced to in some indirect way like my car blocked in so I couldn’t leave.

    • Jennifer

      February 2nd, 2016 at 11:46 AM

      That behavior is so annoying and exhausting especially for grown ups … it seems ridiculous.

      It sounds like you’re kind of stuck like I was. Wanting an end to the madness and feeling so close to the man. You know how they spend 24/7 attached to your person — at first it annoyed me but it grows on you.

      I don’t like violence but the intensity is interesting and it’s hard to undo codependency in an instant so I

    • carole

      February 12th, 2016 at 7:17 PM

      You know Jennifer I think I’m feeling quilty too. 32 years is a long time to be with someone but he has become a strange to me with a familiar face.
      I’ve been through all the emotions the crying the hurt, disbelief etc, now I look at this shell of a man with zero self esteem.
      He has interest only for himself. ..I’ve told him he should feel thoroughly ashamed and he said he does…but it’s a lie…he can’t feel anything, he can’t say anything only negative comments.

    • Browndog

      February 1st, 2016 at 11:20 PM

      Carole,
      The dynamic between you both sounds dreadful. I do suggest going to a therapist to help you to take whatever actions that you need to take. As soon as the police are involved in a domestic quarrel, things have gone way over the top. It sounds like you do need to get him out of your space. Local professional help to guide you in how to make the break sounds needed.
      And yeah…it is hard to avoid retaliating by responding in kind. I find that a particularly difficult challenge for me. What is good is knowing when we have done that and coming clean about our part. That is a good first step toward not getting drawn into doing it again. Hugs.

    • carole

      February 2nd, 2016 at 10:21 AM

      Browndog. ..
      He was so angry I pushed him out my personal space, it’s just made me wonder why he reacted so badly.
      I gave no desire to know what he gets up to. He has proved to me that he really is a low life

    • Jennifer

      February 2nd, 2016 at 11:57 AM

      Found some band-aids that helped on the surface to make life smoother til we could split for good. (Which we did).
      One easy method is to have people around. There with you at all times, hopefully who can keep him engaged while you get whatever you need to do for yourself, handled. Friends of both of ours, mostly couples were good because of what my N. did with the hyper sexuality behavior.

      They are far less likely to show their true behavior around others and you have a buffer if they do.

    • Jennifer

      February 2nd, 2016 at 3:27 PM

      Carole I feel similar like when you write that you don’t care to know what your N. is up to. I didn’t worry about what my ex was up to and then one day after we started having problems, a girlfriend came over and asked me
      ‘How do you know what Narc is doing when he’s not with you?’

      She knew some things but didn’t want to say , instead pointed out that I SHOULD know what he’s up to and with whom. So when she left I started looking through his phone records, etc and discovered things that ruined me. He was out of town at the time but from that momemt on our relationship was never the same.

      What my ex was up to … no man should be in a committed relationship who does what he was doing. When he was finally gone for good people came out of the woodwork to tell me what he’d been up to. I got to a point of stopping them because I didn’t want to hear anymore. All dreadful or embarassing things and many of them I had guessed and been shot down about.

      The friends felt guilty for not telling me at the time but I wish they would have. It might have saved me a lot of financial, emotional, physical and psychological agony.

      I had to look at the nefarious side of things like if he were not paying his way it was because he had money stashed in some account or with his Mom to hide it from me and his baby Mammas. He used my money just because he could. In your situation I would even wonder if the gambling was just a cover.

      The Narcs want to win and this way you would get used to the fullest degree, financially more damaged and he gets to delight in a year long ruse. Their favorite : duping us.

      This was my experience from my Narc. They just do not want to see us do well.

    • carole

      February 4th, 2016 at 1:32 AM

      Hi Jennifer
      I fully believe my husband shows traits of NPD, I believe he also has borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder.
      I can see something of him in these 3 conditions but obviously not all symptoms.
      I’ve done a lot of thinking these past few months and one of the things I’m struggling with is interverted personality.
      He is a naturally quiet type of guy, is not agressive violet or thrratening. I’m quite bubbly,lm outgoing enjoy doing fun things and generally being happy.He hates that, it’s as if I’ve wronged him in some way by laughing and I feel I irritate him. He on the the other hand is happy doing whatever he wants, will not do anything if he doesn’t want to always looks misserable and the thought wouldn’t come into his head to say….come on let’s get out and have some fun with our youngest.
      I will accommodate anything if it’s benefit to my son and quality time together. Not him. It’s a simple no or why do I want to do this that or whatever.
      When I told him I didn’t love him anymore and was not staying marine to him, there was a few crock adult tears which didn’t last long, he sat with his head in his hands wanting sympathy and feeling sorry for himself.
      Then he couldn’t accept I felt this 2sy because of him, I had to have another man, men…everyone, who mentioned things from 5 years previous and accused me of sleeping with my oldest sons friends, he’s told me he knows for a certain fact I’ve slept with my son’s best friend..and apparently I know too. And I’ve twice been accused of having an affair with an alcoholic taxi driver…I mean…how insulting. 8 used to defend myself and get angry but now I simply tell him to torture himself with his imagination, I’ve told my oldest son who laughed, I mean would I really humiliate my son’s by sleeping with young guys…I don’t care if I never have sex again ad long as I’m alive. However his new thing us my unhealthy interest in young 20 somethings, I don’t get mad anymore I know he can’t accept his failings so it has to be me.
      There has been no support in any of my achievements no compliments no encouragement just silence or I’ll never manage.
      I started a business at 37, took on a unit on an industrial estate…didn’t dwell on it just thought right I can do this…he said…”you will never survive in here” nearly 5 years later I’d survived enough to fill that unit up with fabric, various machinery to make garments designed best sellers…paid every bill, paid my home mortgage. Grew a child and bought another property.
      Sometimes mistakes were made (his reply was another unsatisfied customer)but on the whole I did it and I can remember at the time thinking “i will show you”.
      When we did venture out of am evening which wasn’t often he would have to ask several times if he looked OK, did this or that suit him…yet not once did he ever say to me you look nice.
      My son would day mam you look stunning and he would ignore the comment.
      I’ve looked after myself all my life I’m still slim don’t smoke take pride in my apearence and he know he has a sneaky look when I’m dressed but will never Say me a compliment. He will however compliment others to me.
      I’m a festival person…love glastonbury go to lots of smaller festivals with family which he now refuses to come yet will constantly check the weather and take great pleasure if it’s for cast rain.
      I afforded myself a brand new car. He didn’t like the colour, thought I should have gotten sports model yet when it was delivered he refused to even sit in it as it was “my car”
      Oh I could go on and on and on…my middle son has now moved into his own new house with his gf. I gave him a few thousand pounds which I’d saved to help towards his deposit…from him nothing. Same son on his prom day…I was proud as punch…my dark haired Italian very handsome son in his white suit git out the limo with all the girls he 2as the only boy and the whole crowd cheered…his father however wasn’t there and I can’t remember the excuse he gave but my son has never forgotten it.
      He has never been to a parents evening for both his sons. ..our youngest is autistic yet I’ve fought with that school shouted treated them with offcom all on my own…dad didn’t want to go as he’s no good at that sort of thing
      No effort..no thought no interest nothing.
      He gives us nothing exempt criticism, accusations, silent treatment for what I have no idea.
      He is a prolific liar and gambler,
      and he’s been caught out telling more lies and guess what ? It’s not his fault he can’t help it.
      Everything I’ve just written there is exactly how it is..no exaggerating simple facts yet how insulted he is should I pick him up on 1 little thing, the irony of it is should my family or friends come to visit hel take centre stage and take great pleasure in putting me down or trying to make me look stupid…he is beyond help

    • carole

      February 7th, 2016 at 3:43 AM

      With him…he’s such a loner only he knows what he’s up to, he’s isolated himself to spend all his time in his work room on his computer, he doesn’t socialise, doesn’t mix with old friends and very barely leaves the house….all the gambling, porn, speaking sex talk or whatever he’s doing is done on there.. when he does leave the house he’s back in 20 minutes….my best friends and brothers think he not capable of any of these things…impossible they thought..impossible just need him gone

    • Jennifer

      February 11th, 2016 at 9:42 PM

      Carole you’ve got an amazing story!It sounds like you have love for yourself and a healthy self-esteem, that’s good! And an interesting career and business. Successful women entrepeneurs are like Amazons to me. Girl soldiers in a man’s world lol. I can imagine how your Narc would be attracted to all that you are.

      I had written back on here last week but lost it all when my phone died. Didn’t mean to drop the ball. Are you hanging in there?

      I like helping other women as I feel we have it hard enough in this world. I hope you have been getting good support online.

      I occassionally try to get online advice but between the Narc and one before him I get found out and squelched. Big supply in the forums ..

      I didn’t find very much works to manage living with a Narcissist because they change the rules, their commitments, their beliefs on a dime. My N. had a couple weeks where he was losing everything and so depressed. As much as I don’t believe his b.s., I did notice that abandonment and rejection throws them further into disordered behavior as a coping tool.

      They are jealous little tyrants and you have to fight any urge to feel sorry for them. My guy would never go to the lengths to do for me what I did for him and that doesn’t feel good. Know that you will probably feel guilty for not helping him but sit through it and maintain your ambivalence.

      I noticed when we occassionally ran into his ex’s they wanted nothing to do with him. One girl got up and left the restaurant without eating than stay in the same room with him
      … a far cry from the way he spun it.

      As you have a successful business I imagine you know the value in working hard and I agree that these men don’t seem to want to do anything unless it’s fun or fuels their addictions. I have no respect seeing an able bodied adult sitting around while I am struggling with something. About the housework I heard him tell a friend why should he bother when he knows I’ll do it.

      They interact with who they have to because they are right in their face. Probably because they can forget people easily. Change them out like the wallpaper.

      Sounds to me like your N. stayed in his room to convey his unhappiness to others around who would notice. My ex used to talk such extraordinary trash about the girl before me, like ‘whoa’ and you don’t know what he may be saying about you to alternate supply but he would have to maintain appearances, especially if you are breaking up and he’s digging deep for new supply.

      The Ns I know live for the dupe. He was in pig heaven if he could get me and the o.w. to run into each other. I liked his former g.f. but he went bat sh*t overboard when he found out we had become friendly and ruined any chance of staying pals. They can’t have us figuring him out plus she only wanted me to get to him, and probably vice versa. I have to hand it to my ex he has extraordinary taste in women. I have yet to meet a girl of his I didn’t like. All unique and amazing in their own right.

      Undivided time in his man cave also gives him the opportunity to shower new hostage(s) with attention and transfer his attachment to someone else. It’s gross really but in the end I was numb to it all. Like you I just wanted it over with. He had his one person who would stick with him no matter what; his Mom and she loved him because she had to. She turned on me overnight when his behavior started causing him legal problems. He got arrested and jailed and that’s what worked to end the madness. He got sober in there and blamed me, of course so he relied on his Mother for attention and moved to her state when he got out. When I dumped him I stopped interacting with people attached to him. Fleas I think they call it.

      I slowly changed my life situation back to how it was before him, only better and now more jaded but once you live through it it’s easy to spot the red flags. In my regular lifestyle there were some boring and lonely months but always better without him and I eventually found a lot of happiness that way.

      I saw the ex fiancee a few months ago since he moved back here and can’t believe I used to put up with that. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. Of course he was cool until something set him off. Yuck!

    • carole

      February 18th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

      Hey Jennifer…well done for moving forward and getting your life back…I know I’m well on my way to getting back to being me…and it feels good 😊😊

    • Jennifer

      February 11th, 2016 at 9:51 PM

      Also Carole your brothers not believing him capable is fine. You don’t need them to, you just need them to support you in your choices even if they are ‘wrong’. They’ve known you all your life and like I had tell my brothers, since when have I been a liar?

      Right. I’m not and am not going to start now..

      Those Narcs can be screaming and acting insane and one knock at the door it’s like a 180. Why did they not do that with me so we could get along.

      That’s my opinion on the issue.

    • Browndog

      February 2nd, 2016 at 9:07 PM

      All that I have read about narcissistic abuse is that the narcissists’ relationships consistently go through three steps (1) idealization — when they suck us into falling in love with them by doing nice things for us, making time for us and making us feel valued up until we commit fully to them. (2) Devaluation — in which we experience disbelief at their abrupt change in behavior. Every conversation with us becomes a litany of criticisms, nothing we can do pleases them. As they work to undermine our self-esteem, self-confidence, and sometimes our reputations, we begin to doubt ourselves as their treatment of us makes us believe that we may be unable to see reality clearly. (3) Discard –when their displeasure and disgust with us becomes registered at a glance. They have no interest in us, abandon their relationship with us, and show us in every way that we are repulsive to them. They have no time for us, and are off to do whatever and with whomever gives them supply.

      Recently on this site, I am reading about persons who are supposedly narcissistic actually smothering their partners with their presence, or being unable to hold a job and support themselves, addicts to compulsions, etc.

      Now, I recognize these partners as problems, and I am not trivializing the hurt that they cause to the victims who come to this site for support. Still, a person who smothers a partner with incessant clinging presence seems the opposite of a narcissist enacting discard or even silent treating. I am suspecting that while silent treating is a favorite weapon of narcissists, that others challenged by some mental disorder also use this, which is how people find this site and then post descriptions of problems that are painful and real but some are just caused by disorders that differ from narcissism.

      If my perception is correct, silent treating is abuse, but if receiving silent treatment, we shouldn’t leap to diagnose and label the perpetrators as narcissistic people.

    • Mark

      February 6th, 2016 at 6:59 AM

      Well articulated Browndog! This is exactly the narcissists MO in my personal experience and from all I’ve read. Challenged on the silent treatment the narcissist projects back to the co-narcissist that they are at fault for not communicating! Ironic isn’t it…

    • carole

      February 16th, 2016 at 7:39 PM

      Hi Browndog
      My husband shows traits of narcissism and I believe he also shows passive aggressive disorder.
      I can also recognise borderline personality disorder in him.
      He has the usual long silences, the lack of commitment, no consience or consideration, takes great offence in the slightest negative comment against his character but takes great delight at trashing mine. He shows no interest in his kids his home or anyone but himself and chooses to isolate himself with his gambling.
      He will simply stop speaking to me for days and I often have no idea why.
      He likes to control me (well he’s tried). ..when he has attention he’s up there with the high and mighty bigging himself up when the reality is he has nothing, not even his car is on the road as he’s gambled all his money away.
      He has no shame as will relentlessly twist everything around to blame me. I nearly choked yesterday when he tried to interogate our youngest son about not washing his hair the night before saying “he’s telling lies”
      My god…telling lies from the professional liar ..he couldn’t see what he was doing..oblivious to himself yet called my son out. He looked at me and said “well do you think he’s washed it” my reply was maybe not properly but I’m not going to call him a liar, I only call people liars who I know for sure I’ve. R He took that as a slur and ignored me since.
      I’m wondering if there really is a spectrum where you are very narcissistic modretly narcissistic or mildly, with other disorders running along side…either that or I’ve unfortunately married a guy with some undiagnosed mental disorder…

    • carole

      February 16th, 2016 at 7:50 PM

      I would also say in response Browndog my narc doesn’t couldn’t care less about me, that’s for sure, what he would hold on to though is the life I’ve allowed him to live, a life where he is provided with a nice home, has no worries about paying any bills, has food clean clothes his money is his owdn, why would he want to leave that and stand on his own 2 feet and support himself…oh no…he will have to be crow barred out my house unless of course he meets a new victim who will provide him with his home comforts first

    • Eva

      February 6th, 2016 at 2:11 AM

      What if the person who ignored you is not your significant other but a relative of their’s, and you still have to see this person on a regular basis? The silent treatment episode took place a few years ago over the course of several months and I never was given the opportunity to confront this person. They acted like I wasn’t in the room and then all of a sudden, they started acting like nothing ever happened. But every time I hear about him being passive-aggressive toward others, it brings back all the hurt and resentment. This seems to be his main tactic of dealing with hurt or anger. I want to confront him so I could bury the past but not sure how he’ll respond or how to set it up. It’s causing me a lot of distress. He has a wife now who I really respect and I don’t want to lose her friendship. She wasn’t in the picture when it all happened.

    • Kristina

      February 16th, 2016 at 1:08 PM

      I am so glad you wrote this. My ex is a class emotional manipulator. He was severely abused as a child–physically and emotionally—and I suspect that has a lot to do with his behavior. Once I was booked on an expensive trip with family and he became sick the night before the trip. I visited him and brought him food and medicine and told him I would see him when I got back in a few days. When I arrived back three days later, he wouldn’t answer the door or return calls or texts. I finally drove over there because I was afraid he was sicker than I had thought (he was just fine). He refused to talk to me because he had been “all alone all weekend” and practically slammed the door on me stating he didn’t feel like talking. In the end I ended up apologizing to him for going on vacation when he was sick. After that he would just ignore me whenever we had an argument—for like weeks at a time.

    • samk

      February 16th, 2016 at 7:47 PM

      Well, my wife hasn’t said more than 100 words to me since October 28th. I mentioned before that I told her she needed to see a therapist and/or doctor. I was told that that is “dangerously close to gaslighting”. She left me a note when the silent treatment started telling me that I have no desire to better myself, that she has always been afraid of me, that she needs to re-evaluate her life. That I take pleasure in constantly annoying her. I don’t take pleasure in it but, as far as I can tell, everything I do annoys her. She tells me that her head hurts so she can’t do any housework. I tried to talk to her 5 times after I got the note, but she rebuffed me every single time. I finally said, “I love you. I want to stay married to you. You said your mind plays tricks on you and that you are depressed. You have headaches all the time because of the aneurysm. You need to see a doctor and a therapist because I am neither.” That’s almost a direct quote. I can’t remember specifics but I know I did not present this in an angry or condescending manner. The whole time I spoke, she lay on the couch with a blanket over her head. When my daughter asked why we weren’t speaking to each other my wife’s reply was, “Ask your father why he can’t communicate!” WHAT?!

      We’ve been married for 22 years. We became parents together. When trees needed cut down in our yard, I did it because she couldn’t stand the thought of paying someone else to do it. I am not a lumberjack by trade. She wanted the basement in our home finished. I helped with that project. We got the studs up and the drywall installed. Even put up some wainscoting. I am not a home-builder. To be honest that still isn’t finished because we can’t afford to get it done. The brakes need replaced and she thinks the garage is ripping us off? I learned how to replace pads, rotors and even a caliper. I am not an auto mechanic. She wants a new sidewalk put in? She bought the materials and my daughter and I put them in place. It’s not perfect but guess what! I am not a landscaper! My youngest wanted to try her hand at hunting. My father bought her a brand new rifle. (Did I mention what a betrayal of our marriage it was when my father came to me, hat in hand, and asked if I could loan him some money just until the end of the month so that he and my mother could eat and I ACTAULLY LONED HIM $200? That was in our safe for a rainy day? yes, I got paid back at the end of the month.) My daughter and I went out for the past three years and, finally, this year she got her first doe. I had never hunted before. I watched online videos showing how to field clean a deer and did it. i have no interest in bettering myself? Please! I think what she actually means is: “You are not interested in making more MONEY!”

      She’s afraid of me? I’ve been kicke and slapped. One day she nearly kicked the basement door in our house backwards through its rame! I had to take the hinge pins out to fix it. She did that because she was angry with one of the kids.

      She wanted to stay home with the baby when our first was born. We knew it would be a struggle, but I didn’t make a scene about it. She quit her full-time job at a bank and stayed home. She told me, “As soon as the kids are in school I will get a job!” That was 1997. She wanted to move to a bigger house when our second was born. I told her to find the house she wanted and we would get it. She found a house….we bought it. Meanwhile, she worked for her mother on the weekends. Her mother had a catering business and, basically, paid my wife with food. Her mother has a gambling problem and my wife resents her for wasting all of the money she made. She also resents the fact that her mother cashed in her savings bonds to start her business. She feels she should have been given the business. She feels her parents should provide more for her financially since she got nothing but a debt-free college education out of the deal.

      I clean the kitchen and the bathrooms. I mow the lawn. I take out the garbage. The dishes will sit on our kitchen counter until there is nothing left to eat on or with. If I try to do them, I get yelled at for not teaching my children a good work ethic! Because, you see, I am doing them for them! It’s a dishwasher! Other than working for her mother, a job that ended about 10 years ago, she has worked a few seasonal jobs as a brand advocate in big box stores. She has been fired from a couple of jobs due to incidents where she told someone to buy an item at a different vendor and another where she would not take no for an answer from someone who she wanted to have work for her. Now she spends most of her days on the couch. What the hell kind of work ethic is that? I come home. The house is trashed. The lawn needs mowed. The garbage bag is overflowing. Did she peel some vegetables for dinner? The trash is left on the cutting board.

      She told me to take state civil service exams. I did so and eventually was offered a job 5 miles from my home. The job I had at the time was 35 miles away. My commute would go from 1.25 hours to 10 minutes! I did the math and realized that the new job would be a parallel move. I would take home about $4 less per check but I would be so much closer to home. I would also save wear and tear on the car as well as gas money. I took the job. A couple of years later I was promoted and now make more money than at any other time in my life. Not long before or after my promotion (I honestly can’t remember) I got an email that said, “See honey? I told you that you got chumped!” with a link to an article that supposedly broke down how much I should be making based on job title and location.

      One day, after my car suffered a broken fuel line, I took it to a garage near my work. I asked my wife to pick me up. She refused. I ended up walking home. After walking five miles I got home and was told that I am stupid.

      That’s another thing. I am always told how smart she is and how incredibly lacking in common sense I am. The kids get that, too. My oldest is at college on a full tuition scholarship.

      She will blow up over the stupidest things, drive off in our car at a high rate of speed, and stay away for 8 or 9 hours. When my daughter was visiting a college, my wife started crying and said she was going to take a bus home because my daughter skipped a meeting with a potential club activity group so that she would not miss a panel she wanted to see! My daughter looked at me, tearing up, and said, “What am I supposed to do?” I had no answer. I still don’t.

      A week ago, my youngest told us that we need to figure something out because the lack of communication between my wife and I is stressing her out. She feels like she is in the middle. I told her that if there is a question her mother knows the answer to I will ask her mother. But nobody tells me anything! Youngest went on a date yesterday (wife drove her) and I had no idea where she was. I can hear my youngest and my wife talking to each other and laughing it up. I’m down in the basement playing World of Warcraft and waiting for spring so that I can start fishing after work because if I ask either of them a question I get a one word answer if I get an answer at all. Today I asked my daughter what she had for dinner on her date yesterday. “I don’t know.” I ask my wife if I’m eating must-go-downs for dinner or if she made something and it’s crickets.

      If anyone ever told me that this is where I would be after 22 years of marriage I’d have laughed at them! What is this? Seriously. What. The. %^&$. Is. This.

      I hate to use the word ‘crazy’ but I think I must be insane to put up with this. I’m trying to give her time and space but my patience is wearing thin and I am just about ready to kill the credit cards, empty the bank accounts, and tell her to get the hell out of my house.

    • carole

      February 17th, 2016 at 12:23 AM

      Exactly like my husband, he’s watched me tile bathrooms, decorate the house from top to bottom, paintstrip all the woodwork buy all the flooring,furniture etc, lay carpet but the cruncher came when I was boxing in pipes in my son’s room and needed the wood cut….he promptly went to his work room and presented me with a circular saw….I was scared I’d cut my fingers off but I wouldn’t be beaten or ask him for help and I managed…

    • carole

      February 17th, 2016 at 4:43 AM

      Samk you have just reminded me of something while writing about the loan you gave to your father…
      My brother died very suddenly 1 week before his 37th birthday, he had an epileptic fit in the night and didn’t wake up.
      He had no insurance, he was at uni and drive taxis to earn a living and get by, myself and my older brother told his partner not to worry about funeral costs etc…he was our brother and something I will never recover from….oh my god…bear in mind I was in total grief we were so close and he was the most gentle unassuming caring person you could ever meet.
      When I’d got home the issue of the money came up and how much was this going to cost.. I told him I did not care about the money I didn’t care about anything I was ill with grief but he was…not that it would of cost him a penny as I earned my own money.
      Then on the day of the funeral while on our way to my brothers house he said something which annoyed and upset me but can I for the life of me remember what it was, I can however remember hating him at that moment and he tried to hold my hand but I pulled away.
      Oh if I tried really hard the list will go on and on and on…he has to bring the attention back to himself.
      In hindsight I’m probably the worst kind of partner for my narc as I’m very strong willed and at times haven’t given him he lickings of a dog…not that it’s made any difference but I’ve refused to be controlled to a certain extent….I used to be quite firey but not anymore it’s not worth my energy…he did however make me so angry a couple if years ago I threw a screwdriver…yes I was hanging my kitchen door! ! And it whistled past his head and went straight through the leaded glass pane I’d just paid £200 to have fitted 😊

    • carole

      February 27th, 2016 at 4:38 PM

      dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3464020/What-kind-narcissist-test-reveals-sufferer-experts-reveal-three-forms-disorder.html

      Just been ready this which I found very interesting

    • Browndog

      February 28th, 2016 at 1:33 PM

      Carole, what a great resource. Thank you. I loved the fact that it distinguishes degrees of narcissism and also people susceptible to being victimized by it.

    • Natalie

      March 14th, 2016 at 5:11 AM

      I have been trying to explain to this narc for a long time that he has self issues. After some months of silence he told me this: Please stop sending messages!. I’ve not replied to u because i mean u no harm, i want u to let go of whathever hatred it is that u’ve built up inside u .
      What i said , what i did or didnt do were from years ago the best are to left them in the past now!. This isnt healthy and i think u know it.
      I see cynism here, he wants a bit of my sympathy, he said an excuse for his silence, he never says a last goodbye ever, he plays a bit the good guy.
      I’m over this narcissist since a long time ago but he thinks the fact i was trying to make him understand that he has self issues i could be into him again. In his dreams lol!!!. I’m stronger than ever and i rebuilt my life. He is projecting his feelings onto me , i never felt hatred for him . I told him a thousand times that he is a narc i spoke my mind, i told him a thousand truths, i was very direct in everything , i was cruel and mean to him in many ways with the things i told him , i only spoke to him with the truth and he didnt inssult me anymore , i told him some time ago that i didnt want to have no contact with him anymore cos he was an opportunist , told lies, etc. He got mad and he attacked myself steem with lies but i put him in his place with many truths he got mad and he inssulted me cos i told him that he had to look at himself first and i told him that before judging other people he had to see that he had a daughter with overweight and that he was no one to judge people and that he wouldnt like people judge her daughter for her weight he was nasty and after that he didnt attack me anymore lol it was so funny. I told him i wasnt going to allow anyone step on me and after that i tried to explain him that he had self issues and things to sort out with himself. But i wont do it anymore cos to speak to a narc is speaking to the wall . Life is beautiful ladies and gentlemen dont allow them affect u , have self love, love urself, stop their games and set urself free cos these people will only make u lose ur time. U touch their ego and u show how worthy u are and u show them ur self steem and u tell them they are no one , only people and their world of fantasy falls down . DONT LET THEM STEP ON U IN ANY WAY, i send u my loving to each one of u and i wanna have ur opinions guys . Xxxx.

    • Huyton Girl

      March 29th, 2016 at 3:32 AM

      A sort-of friend had me blocked on Facebook for a total of 4 and a half years, on and off. This was someone I had a crush on, who would waft in and out of my life – take the block off, cosy up, vanish again, re-block me. He did this recently. This time I blocked him. I knew he’d take offence and block me for the 5th time. I did not want to feel that pain. Sometimes you have to cut off from people because the alternative is useless suffering. The irony is I feel guilty about it. It’s a mess. I badly need to cut off completely. Maybe that means taking the block off and letting him block me. Haven’t decided yet.

    • Browndog

      March 29th, 2016 at 9:24 AM

      “I have been trying to explain to this narc for a long time that he has self issues. After some months of silence he told me this: Please stop sending messages!. I’ve not replied to u because i mean u no harm, i want u to let go of whathever hatred it is that u’ve built up inside u .”
      Natalie, I am not confident that I understand what is happening here, but if my interpretation of the above quotation from your post is correct, it says that you are sending him emails that he does not want to receive. You are telling the forum that you are sending him email and that he is not doing this to you. Is this the case?

      If so, you do need to stop doing that, forget about this person (whether or not he has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder), delete his contact information from your phone and computer and go no-contact.
      From the quotation from your note above, it sounds like he has asked you to stop. Further, you have now published this fact in a public forum. If you do not stop, he can file a formal complaint against you for harassment or stalking, and it is likely that he will win a restraining order against you. That will go on your records, so this is serious.

      It sounds as if you got hurt by this person, possibly rejected in a relationship. I am sorry. That hurts. Just don’t let that event hang on in this way or let it lure you into hurting yourself more. Go heal. Maybe get some help to move on from a therapist that you can find through this site. Hugs!

    • Natalie

      March 29th, 2016 at 12:56 PM

      Hi Browndog we are from 2 different countries, dont u worry i’m a lawyer there wont be troubles this is not the case for a raistrining order , the things that happened with this person are past all i tried to do was to explain him that he has self issues to sort out cos as we all know narcissists always blame us for everything, i just warned him not to come back to bother me in the future playing the victim. He did it once and then he started acting nasty again. He lies , he tried to attack my self steem with lies, he doesnt take the acountability of his actions, he twists things, he does all the things narcissists do as i dont give him narcissist supply anymore he is being nasty cos i told him i wasnt going to tolerate more abuse. He wants to keep me as a source of supply thats his problem but all that i did was trying to make him see that he has mental issues and that i’m not the problem that he is the problem. Thanks Browndog but i could get over all that abuse without profesional help, i did my last try as a human being to help this person so he can have a better life, but i see that if u arent his slave and if he cant controls u , nothing is good for him. Xxxxxxxx.

    • Browndog

      March 29th, 2016 at 10:08 PM

      Thanks Natalie for the clarification. Nice to know more about your situation and your profession being in law.

      In this country only a licensed professional can diagnose a person as a narcissist. Of the people who genuinely have the personality disorder, a debate still seems unresolved as to whether these narcissists can change, even if they want to. In my limited experience, they don’t want to, and as we might expect if the issue of change is ever raised they will say things like “I know too much” or “People don’t change.” They usually refuse to go to couples counseling, and if they do go they are more likely to try to subvert it than to seek value of their own growth (change) from it. My own therapist says that some NPs can change, but only IF they want to and IF they commit to some very hard work. Others see NP disorder as a brain defect, like certain forms of autism, which if correct means that such people literally cannot increase their affective capacity. Demanding that they do is almost a form of cruelty — like telling someone they are homosexual or heterosexual because they choose to be.

      My profession is in adult education. We recognize fixed mindsets, which in normal brains can be changed to a growth mindset, which means they can learn pretty well when they believe that they can. However, I doubt the choice applies to all narcissists. Telling a narcissist that she has self-issues will have as much impact as a tennis ball thrown against the side of a battleship.
      All usually reveal their rigid fixed mindset in statements that say “People don’t change.” They will direct that belief to us “YOU cannot learn” or “YOU cannot change” sometimes directly when they make their proclamations about us. People with a belief that normal people cannot change are really proclaiming that normal people can’t learn or grow. So they really believe that we too cannot learn or succeed and will not hesitate to tell us. This is the kind of talk that truly evil people do to take away their target’s self-confidence and as you noted, it attacks our self-esteem. We cannot live with an evil person who does this, and we can’t live any more fulfilling lives or have a more fulfilling relationship with a narcissist. Even though a difference to remember between evil people and some narcissists is that only one group who does this might CHOOSE to do so. The other may have no choice; their brain just operates in a fixed way. Either will end up hurting a normal person terribly in an intimate relationship. We cannot establish a good relationship with either evil or narcissism. We should not try if a person proves unwilling to learn how not to hurt us.

      So in the case of this guy, maybe he really cannot learn. In any event, save your energy for someone who at least believes that normal people can learn.

      I certainly know how badly it hurts to commit to a long-term relationship and then discover I’ve committed to a person who is incapable of having one. Sounds like you too got a dose of these toxins. All we can do is to get clear of the poisons and go save ourselves. Hugs!

    • Dennis

      March 30th, 2016 at 9:29 AM

      I had to scroll down for several minutes to post here. Does the GT web design no longer click from e-mail directly to it’s spot on the blog? Also if it’s possible I would prefer if other people were not able to use my username and confuse me and any people wanting to comment and know my story. Not the imposter, who strikes where she can. Thank you GT team.

    • Natalie

      March 30th, 2016 at 1:56 PM

      Hi Browndog i never met this person , i always noticed his attitude wasnt normal, i was going to meet him in person but he was only interested in using me sexually, i didnt know he was a narcissist after a long time i realised he was one cos i started to read about it and all his attitudes were in those articles about narcissism. I carried on with my life , of course i couldnt meet a guy like him , yea i was in love with him. But i always was careful . I explained him that he wasnt the guy i was looking for, i explained him as a child every detail of the situation, he never listened to me, he got mad, i tried to be nice, yea i sent him many messages trying to make him understand things but for him it is all about control, he has the typical attitude from a narcissist , if u dont do what i want to i punish u, one day he came back saying sorry for everything we started to chat again, he didnt like when i told him that i’m a cute woman and he is not the only man on the earth, i told him that cos i noticed he was trying to play with me,i tried to act as an adult but he acts like a child , then he started telling me i didnt care for him , i gave him my time, i had feelings for him and he knew it , he lied to me to be able to sl***p with me, after explaining him a lot of times that it was ok if he didnt care for me, i told him that i wasnt going to stay single all my life and i told him i didnt care what did he do with his life, as i’m a confident, beautiful and sucessful woman he tried to attack my self steem trying to step on me , i told him to stop being nasty cos i wasnt going to respect him anymore as i used to do it, i didnt want to hurt him but he started, as the typical narcissist he is , he wants me to feed his ego, when i talked about other men he got furious, he wanted me to be available whenever he wanted but i wasnt, he never was happy for my achivements, he never cared for me but he was nasty when i told him i wasnt going to be used as a tool to flatter his ego, he is inmature, i have no doubts he is a narc, he told me he slept with many women, he called me average when he was always obsessed with the way i look , i told him i wanted to end it well with the truth but he makes
      things endless he never says goodbye,
      he is being nasty cos i dont flatter his ego, cos he cant get control, he doesnt reason as a normal person . I wished him the best and i told him goodbye. Xxx.

    • Browndog

      March 30th, 2016 at 6:30 PM

      Huyton Girl,
      I’m no expert but my advice is to leave the block on, Unblocking just opens the door for more hurting. No guilt here. You did the right thing simply to prevent yourself from being hurt by a person who has proven repeatedly that he gets off on toying with your feelings.

    • Kerri

      April 4th, 2016 at 7:01 PM

      My husband is doing this to me now. I’m 27 and he’s 42… why am I more mature?
      My terrible offense? Answering a text when he wanted me to pay attention to a TV show.
      I love him, but I wish he wouldn’t do this to me. I beg him to talk to me and say how sorry I am, but no luck.
      Very frustrating.

    • Browndog

      April 4th, 2016 at 9:52 PM

      Kerri, First a couple of questions. I’m not asking you to answer them on this forum but just to reflect in order to maybe get a handle on what is happening. When you share time together, how much do you engage with your cell phone? Next, does your husband silent treat you often? A person who does the work to find this site is probably motivated to do so by more than being frustrated. He or she is usually hurting. I know I was.

    • kreateinme

      April 8th, 2016 at 12:23 PM

      I’m so grateful for this article. 3 days ago I texted my would be boyfriend in Ohio(we’ve been talking for sometime and i live in Virginia) about wanting him to communicate with me more often and not wait 1 or 2 days to respond to my txts. The result: he completely went off the radar. For 48 hours, my emotions went through an emotional roller coaster. I texted, I called, I apologized(not knowing what for), I opened up, I emailed him, I vented, but no response. I’m the kind of person who gets upset and offended, but then I want to talk about the issue, resolve it and move on and be happy and at peace again. His silence created a combination of frustration, anger, self doubt, resent, and guilt in me. It’s been so physically and emotionally draining trying to fix something I didn’t do that I took the day off today to rest and recover. I had no idea it could be so emotionally and physically draining. If only a narcassist knew what that kind of behavior does to ones’e self-esteem, especially to women I think they would never do it. For me, it felt like my brain went into “over drive”. As women, because most of us have a nurturing nature, we analyze, we apologize, we take the blame for the sake of peace and to avoid being alone, but in the end, it damages our self-esteem. There’s nothing worse than when someone takes away your ability to defend yourself by shutting down and not responding to your plea for a discussion. Even a child prefers the yelling of a parent rather than getting the cold shoulder. Just like the many women on this thread, I’m a compassionate, affectionate woman with lots of love to give. I thank each of you for sharing your experiences, particularly, the lady named “Miriam”. Her long distance relationship story sounds very similar to mine. Thank you ladies, especially those of you who’ve been married for a long time for helping me get my power back today. I’m not crazy. I just wanted a little more of his time. And he had no right to punish me for asking for his attention. I was strong enough to do research and recognize that the silent treatment is emotional abuse. Thanks a million for sharing ladies. If you’re strong enough to take the abuse, you’re also strong enough to walk away from those toxic relationships. God bless you all.

    • Jennifer

      July 19th, 2016 at 2:26 PM

      Kreatinme — It’s been months since you wrote so hopefully you’ve found some answers? Many of us write on another victim’s recovery site however my former NPD/lover trolls it, finds my posts and uses the information against me most of the time. He seems to find it all so delightful and funny, making fun of the people he harms’ emotions. God forbid you do it back to him but I do anyway. Which brings me to the point had to realize they are bullies first and foremost ,this is imprinted in their character which means when their ‘injury’ is activated they fall back on their coping tools, silent treatment being the easiest way to cause disruption. The Narcissist I know, and they are all the same world wide (we are discovering this via sharing on these sites), is getting older and worse stuck in his ways and if the slightest anything — anything you may say or do that is not precisely based in whatever he wants, no matter how illogical or disruptive or unnecessarily cruel and self centered, if his ‘narc injury’ is ignited the victim is met with extraordinary resistance. It’s really immature and stupid and they enjoy any feedback that entails longing or desperation or need or requests for simple common human courtesy. There is no human being that I have ever met who can successfully navigate with such a person. Everyone and every situation can set them off. Except praise, love , leaving him alone whenever he wants, going along with his often bizarre fantasies, and committing whatever misdemeanors or felonies he would like to see done but is too chicken to do himself. You must be ready to share and celebrate his many new victims and lovers. His victims supply him with cars, places to live, food and he expects hookers to give it up free (he prefers deviant sex to what he shows a girl). Because he is THAT incredibly special and how lucky are you to be pummeled by it. His true evil nature is very difficult to fathom in its depths of depravity but trust that you or I could not go there. He will cover this up until his deathbed and it is very confusing. I think many people don’t believe it or think it applies to them. So if you want to get along, I would suggest those things I listed above, including never being upset at ANYTHING he does. Any thing he steals from you, and of the inglorious discrepancies between how much you give and how little you receive in return.

    • Fiona

      April 19th, 2016 at 6:08 PM

      I thought I was close to my sister but discovered on New Year’s Eve that she is a narcissist. Silent treatment since then and abuse directed to my friends who contacted her out of concern. She has actively sought to make my life revolting.

    • Browndog

      April 20th, 2016 at 8:05 AM

      See today’s New York Times’ wellness blogs on “loneliness-may-be-bad-for-your-heart.”

      “The scientists found that loneliness and social isolation increased the relative risk of having a heart attack, angina or a death from heart disease by 29 percent, and the risk of stroke by 32 percent. There were no differences between men and women.”
      Silent treating is a deliberate actiontaken to isolate another human being from affection and emotional support. It is doubly evil when it is done at home to isolate the victim from healthy social support interaction in that person’s prime place of refuge. When are counselors going to start to recognize silent-treating for the seriously destructive physical abuse that it actually is? It is NOT HARMLESS childish behavior. A home should be a zero tolerance zone for silent treating. Spouses who engage in prolonged silent treatment are not just emotional abusers. They ARE physical abusers.

    • Adam

      April 29th, 2016 at 1:26 AM

      The issue with this article is that it can be read by anyone and bent to be what they want it to be. For example, i have legit been a narcissist in my life before, learned a lot since then and take many guards against narcissism. Alternatively ive been the innocent one who’s been crunched down on by narcissists time after time because i attract them. Recently I dealt with someone who truly was a narcissist, literally didnt give a fuck about me or my feelings at all, and actively abused me. But, alternatively, I’m pretty sure that if this person read the article, they would probably claim it was me being the narcissist; but that’s because anything I do can be considered narcissism if the person really really wants me to pay attention to them. (i did not have energy or time to do exactly what the person wanted me to do and when they wanted me to do it. They would call me when i was sleeping or at work and then say i was “neglecting” them ; i also suffer with depression and other issues that push me far away from leading a normal social life). So all I would do is urge caution for readers regarding this issue.

      I would also say that there are times when people being away from us is a good thing. it gives us time to think and reconsider what we’ve done. after i started drawing boundary lines much harder in the past few years, i get more respect, but I’m not exactly sure what that means… because although i feel some of the people have “progressed” in their attitudes towards people, it might just be me. Like one of my friends treats me better but they still treat most people like shit (i think, and i think they try to hide this from me too) so it might be just one of those things where a person is attracted to you for whatever reason or they like familiarity.

      Ultimately narcissism is in part probably a disorder of emotional social processing and empathy. It’s a neurological thing. Some people can still make trajectories from wherever they are in their brains to get over that hump. Whereas I’m sure many are just legitimately evil and we absolutely refuse to believe that’s possible because of the innocence in ourselves.

      Bad thing is that when someone assumes you are evil because of the way other people have treated them, or, even ways they’ve treated others. While there were points in my life where i definitely behaved badly, there are other times when i was completely innocent but the person kept attacking me with a full and sincere belief i did something wrong. They were being extremely creative though and really interpreting things incredibly wrongly and letting their personal feelings get in the way.

    • Andrea Schneider

      April 29th, 2016 at 8:32 AM

      Adam– thanks for your input — this article specifically addresses survivors who have been impacted by an individual with extreme narcissism (i.e. “malignant narcissism” or even psychopathy) — there are no gray areas in terms of the abuse sustained by such an individual — there are very specific emotional abuse tactics employed by such abusers, and by informing survivors and providing psychoeducation, survivors are able to heal and move forward. Abuse is not okay. Period.

    • Browndog

      April 29th, 2016 at 10:56 PM

      Thanks Adam and Andrea. Based on the reading I have done, I see a dilemma similar to what Adam perceives. Maybe Andrea can give us more input and clarification. Here is my dilemma.

      Some narcissists seem to hurt victims deliberately because they choose to. That seems planned, premeditated and evil. They get something out of hurting an intimate partner or dependent that is satisfying.

      Others seem to hurt victims because they seem brain-dead in parts of the brain that carry awareness informed by empathy. They hurt people and feel nothing without any perception of the hurtfulness that their words or neglect carry. They cannot understand or see the damaging consequences of their withholding emotional support and communication. Rather than evil, they just seem not to be wholly functioning human beings. The recent reports of magnetic pulses awakening the capacity of empathy in an autistic person helped confirm to me that at least some narcissistic behavior derives from physiological limits rather than choice.

      I see both of these cases as explanations for behaviors, not excuses. “Friendly fire” can kill us just as dead as an assassin’s carefully aimed bullet. When either cause produces conditions that undercut our emotional/physical health, it seems that we need to break free from the abusive treatment in order to preserve our own wellness.

    • ANDREA SCHNEIDER

      April 30th, 2016 at 1:02 PM

      Browndog– with all due respect, their you nor I are moderators on this blog. Goodtherapy.org moderates the blog. I wrote the article. The focus of my article is specifically to bring light and awareness to survivors of extreme narcissistic abuse…whereby their perpetrators DO KNOW they have caused premeditated harm. The discourse you bring to the blog is not the focus of my article. You are welcome to discuss whatever goodtherapy.org deems is ok to discuss on their blog. I will, however, refrain from engaging in “conversations” which deviate away from the focus of my articles — written specifically for survivors for their empowerment and healing in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. I will add that autism is not narcissistic abuse. People on the spectrum of autism do not premeditately cause emotional harm to loved ones. They are not narcissists, and certainly not extreme narcissists causing harm to their loved ones. I will respectfully decline to discuss this further. Have at it if you wish, however, it is not the focus of the point of the article written above. I would like to remind readers that goodtherapy.org is the moderator, not myself, not “BrownDog”… if you would like to contact me directly regarding themes specifically connected with my article, please feel free to email me through my goodtherapy.org page or my own website. Kind regards all. Andrea

    • Browndog

      May 1st, 2016 at 10:52 AM

      Thanks Andrea. My only point is that it is difficult for victims of behavior that seems “narcissistic” to know what it is that they are dealing with. In my case, it certainly is. At the same time, the effects of being silent treated are so harmful regardless of the intentions of the perpetrator that a victim needs to either learn to cope or to escape. BTW, I refer lots of people to goodtherapy.org to find a counselor through the links on this wonderful article that your wrote. Thanks!!!

    • Maz

      May 17th, 2016 at 7:21 AM

      Thank you for this amazing article, I feel set free, this article totally describes my 38 year old daughter and mother of four and I have only last week realised the living hell I have been living this past four years is actually a form of abuse. The worst thing is every time she goes on a tantrum she takes my grand children away from me. Her last vial rant on text of course told me “I am done” but I have finally realised “I am done” she has used me as her punching bag, her door mat and her best baby sitter in the world. I feel sick in the tummy after I have been in her company with the way she ignores me when I am dropping the children off or even when I have invited them over for dinner, she is on Facebook, there is never any “conversation” to speak of but I am the one always getting abused and accused. I am now feeling I am not prepared to take this emotional abuse any longer even though that means I will not see my four exquisite grandchildren 9,7,4 and 2. Do you have any suggestions for me please.

    • Browndog

      May 17th, 2016 at 11:05 AM

      Hi Maz.One thing is sure, an encounter with a narc never leaves a target feeling better at the end of it. You need to weigh not seeing your grandchildren against the abrasion of the N’s snarky comments. Suggest trying first setting some personal boundaries by not being always available at your daughter’s beck and call unless her request is one that you want to meet and to just scroll past her Facebook posts without reading them. Yes, being on the receiving end is to experience abuse. It helps to know that some N’s are just hardwired to behave this way, which blinds them to seeing the damage they do. Knowing her elevator just doesn’t go to the top floor can make us know that their snarkiness originates with them and we can’t do anything about it. If you still are feeling painfully abused and distressed after setting some personal distance and boundaries , then try a licensed counselor for advice that might work. No contact seems like a last resort, but burning the bridge is always available if your health & well-being requires it.

    • Lori M

      June 2nd, 2016 at 10:51 AM

      Would love to get emails and news letters. Thank you !

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      June 2nd, 2016 at 2:38 PM

      Hi Lori,
      Thank you so much for your interest! :) You can subscribe to our weekly newsletter here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/gt-newsletter-archive.html

      Have a great day!
      Warm regards,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Andrea Schneider LCSW

      June 2nd, 2016 at 4:11 PM

      You are welcome to follow my own personal blog at my website for more information on narcissistic abuse recovery. Best wishes – Andrea

    • John S

      June 8th, 2016 at 9:21 PM

      I have to say that I”m so happy that I found this article. You explained everything that has happened to me and I just have such a hard time dealing with it and couldn’t understand what I did to deserve it. But now it all makes sense.
      I was in long distance “relationship” with this girl for almost 4 months. She was coming out of a divorce where her husband emotionally abused her. I did everything I could do help her, to be there for her, to tell her how strong she is and everything an emotional person like I am would do especially when you care about someone. She made me the center of her universe. I was everything for her and I really grew to love her and then within 2 weeks she turned super cold, distant, told me that she saw something in me she didn’t like and completely shut me off. She blocked me everywhere and totally broke me with silent treatment. I kept blaming myself, I was single always no kids, she was married with 2 kids, but in an argument towards the end where I confronted her about her behavior she completely shut me out and blocked me everywhere. I flew half the world to see her to try to find some kind of resolution and she didn’t want to see me. She is living her life like before, I’ve been shut out for almost 2 months completely everywhere without any closure left to blame myself. However, just recently, she unblocked me on social networks. Not sure what’s going on in her mind (my guess is that she figured I got the idea that she doesn’t want to have anything with me but she still desires for me to look at her) which she managed to successfully provoke. I miss her because the way we were those 4 months felt like the world to me. Planning our future together, family and her moving over to where I’m at.

      But after reading your article here I completely understand that there was really no love involved on her behalf unlike with myself. She needed attention, the fuel, and everything you described felt like exactly what happened to me. I’m still feeling hurt, but I’m thankful I stumbled upon your article and now understand that it was not me, and I can see those pieces coming in together painting the picture for me. Hopefully this revelation keeps me on the path of getting better. I do feel better already, just knowing what is going on. So thank you for that.

    • Andrea Schneider

      June 3rd, 2016 at 8:43 AM

      @Lori — if you are looking for more information about narcissistic abuse recovery, you are welcome to follow me at my own personal website (listed in my goodtherapy.org profile) … Best regards, (the author of this article) Andrea Schneider, LCSW

    • Rod

      June 9th, 2016 at 10:41 PM

      I wush i read this 8 years ago!!! I made thr absolute horrific mistake of beung in a relationship with a control freak that had zero empathy…ZERO!!! I shouldve left this piece of crap right after the second red flag but i was a complete retard…RETARD! This person ended up trying to control my life and being a retard I Stayed in the relationship and nearly died from a med reaction after telling her the pills were making me sick and i wanted to stop them. She got angry and demanded i keep taking the pills snd not wanting to deal with her anger or silent treatment i kept taking the pills and two weeks later i suffered brsin, kidney, muscle and nerve damage!!!
      She was out of town when this happened anf when i told her after picking her up from the airport her reply was “arent you going to ask about my trip?”
      THIS PERSON RUINED MY LIFE AND I AM LOOKING INTO ASSISTED SUICIDE FROM MY DR. MY LIFE WAS FINE BEFORE SHE CAME INTO IT AND SHE NEVER CARED THAT I NEARLY FREAKING DIED! I WAS SLEEPING TWO HOURS A NIGHT FROM THE DAMAGE AND SHE WOULD SCREAM AT ME EVERY DAY AND HER VOICE WAS THR MOST TERRIBLE SHRIEKING PIECE OF CRAP YOU EVER HEARD. ANYONE THST GIVES THE SILENT TREATMENT SHOULD BE PUNISHED BY CRUSHING. I CANT BELIEVE I CARED ABOUT HER, SHE RUINED MY LIFE AND I WAS FINE BEFORE THIS HAPPENED. UNBELIEVABLE

    • Rod

      June 9th, 2016 at 11:07 PM

      Sorry about the angst filled post but my life has been complete hell from this relationship and i will need many hours of counselling to get through what happened to me. My fiance showed complete lack of empathy from the start and i was a complete retard for not recognizing that i deserved better than this. The hospital, dr and pharmacy all tried to cover up their mistakes and after showing this to my fiance she had absolutely no interest in helping me out. Try going on two hours of sleep a night for over a year and dealing with all the damage and you will realize my frustration is more than valid. I cant believe i let this person control me like she did…hitler is still alive and well. I still struggle with the damage and this has been no picnic at all whatsoever. I wish i had a time machine and could go back to the start of the relationship and break it off …the damage is that bad. I still try everyday but it is very tough but i manage somehow.
      Thanks for the article that i wish i had seen before i got involved with this freak.

    • Natalie

      June 11th, 2016 at 5:30 AM

      Rod we all had to start over after a nacissist, u can do it dont lose urself anymore for this worthless woman, to stay it was a mistake but we all did the same , forget ur mistakes and take them as a lesson , we all felt the same way and we are with u cos we all have been treated in the same way, we need to learn to protect ourself saying no to the abuse from the start, these freaks feed them from our attention, consideration and love and they dont give us anything only suffering , we need to kick them out from our lives and have 0 consideration for them cos when we allow things we shouldnt we are hurting ourself , u gonna be alright Rodie, its only a matter of time, tell this woman to get out , dont contact her, ignore her and her karma some day will get her soon or later the narcissist will pay for all the damage they cause to innocent people, rebuild urself, ur self steem and confidence and forget about the time wasted u didnt know the real truth now that u know it work hard for urself so u can be again that person that u was , stay away from her and dont give her any space to hurt u again if u do this u will be in the right direction from ur own cure. U need to understand this is the way they are and they do the same with all the people. They are evil and we cannot change their psychology . I wish u the best Rodie . U gonna make it!!!!.

    • Rod

      June 12th, 2016 at 11:09 AM

      Thanks Natalie,
      If all i had to deal with was the pyschological damage i would be fine but the physical damage has been too much. The brain injury, the nerve damage, the muscle damage and the kidney damage is too much. On top of this after the break up i started seeing a new psychologist and he suggested i use marijuana for the nerve damage. After trying it i told him it made me feel worse and he said to keep using it and my body will get used to it. I ended up going out of control and quit a long term job because i wasnt thinking straight. Found out he was using marijuana himself and that marijuana can cause a person suffering from depression to go hypomanic and i did and made a terrible decision that cost me my career. This has been a complete nightmare! 😔

    • Browndog

      June 12th, 2016 at 9:15 PM

      The word “QUACK” became known for a reason. Unfortunately in some states a “therapist” can be anyone who hangs out a shingle. Thoroughly research any profession you go to for care, whether physical or mental, before entrusting your care to that person. Emotional abuse IS physical abuse. Avoid anyone who tries to sell you on the lie that it isn’t.

    • Natalie

      June 12th, 2016 at 12:36 PM

      Be strong, have faith in u and u can do this without using anything, u need to calm down and start over, find another therapist yea u made a bad decision but u gonna be alright its only a matter of time cos the change takes time, u can find another job i understand u u need to be ok to make good decisions abd to have stability in ur life be patient cos things will get better for u . Good luck

    • Browndog

      June 13th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

      Rod, your story is one of a lot of damage. So sorry all of this fell on you. if this “psychologist” was medicating you with anything, let alone marijuana, without a medical degree, she or he might have been practicing medicine without a license. In your place, I think that I would check with the licensing board. You might have a case for damages.

    • Rod

      June 14th, 2016 at 8:24 PM

      Thank you people so much for your replies!!! This psychologist was practicing with a licence but was not licenced to recommend marijuana…he couldnt even prescribe it. I checked with the licencing board and they said i would have to prove the person recommended that i use marijuana. The psychologist even smoked some with me, he was a good psychologist but he shouldve never recommended i use marijuana after i suffered serious brain and nervous system damage. Right after i had the severe reaction i stopped all of my meds and didnt realize i would go through severe withdrawals from stopping the alprazolam after a months use. This all started when i went off the valium i was taking and didnt tell my dr but hr had ample time to ask aboit thr valium since a couple weeks after stopping my anxiety eemt through the roof and since the valium withdrawals took almost three weeks to develop i didnt even realize it was from stopping the valium. My dr was very careless and i mentioned i needed something for the anxiety and my dr never even asked about the valium and it was the only thing i was on. He put me on alprazolam and you cant go ftom valium to alprazolam….only the other way around and my dr shouldve known this, the pharmacy i dealt with was beyond useless (safeway) and they shouldve caught thr change and contacted my dr about the change and said it might make things worse and did it ever. After two weekd on the alprazolam i felt very depressed and at times suicidal and mentioned that to my dr. I originally was going to see the dr as a walk in in the morning and he had a substitute receptionist phone me back and said that there was an appointment at 1230 and everything wouldve been fine if i had ignored the message and just went to the dr and waited to see him. I was only going to eee him that day to make up for an appt i was going to miss being out of town. I ended up taking the appt at 1230 and at that time i was going through withdrawals from the alprazolam since it was too short lasting and there was a problem with the door being locked and thr receptionist just stared at me without letting me in. When i finally saw thr dr the med had worn off and i wasnt ferling well. I told him that i felt rough and he carrlessly prescribed a dangerous combo of meds that i never wanted. After stupidly taking them for two days and the first day i had to deal with six hours of severe silent treatment from my fiance on the drive put there and i was messed up from the meds so bad i could barely keep my eyes open. Ehen we arrived at the first destination following the silent treatment we went for a walk and she mentioned she wanted to break up and i was still reeling from the garbage silent treatment. I was ticked off that she eould say that on the first day of the vacation and on top of that i shouldve been breaking up with her not the other way around. We talked and then things were okay and i took the meds again but the next day woke up feeling very ill and after driving another 10 hours and getting to a bnb late at night i pulled out my meds and looked at them realizing the peoples reviews of the meds being dangerous was very true and i told my fiance they were naking me sick anf i wanted to stop them. Right away she got angry and demanded i keep taking them and i was shocked since i read they had ruined peoples lives and demanded she look up how dangerous these meds were before demanding i keep taking them. She got pissed off and said no she wont look them up and just keep taking them.
      Right then i thought that if i dont take them i wpuld get more silent treatment and i did not need anymore of that…two weeks later i suffered brain, nerve, muscle and kidney damage and you wouldnt believe how angry she got when i could only sleep teo hours a night for a year because of the damage. Tjis person ruined my life and i was fine before i met her and never took crap from partners in relationships before but this person was a professional controller and i shouldve bolted from the relationship after the first couple months when i saw some serious bullshit coming from her and now my health is destroyed. I think it took her a whole year to apologize for demanding i kerp taking the meds and she screamed at me everyday and my nerves were shot from the damage. I asked her to stop screaming at me because my nervous system was destroyed but she was a complete idiot. My neighbour said good for you when i told her we had broken up…she knew how much of a jerk she was…
      This has been a complete nightmare and the dr, pharmacy and hospital worked very harf trying to cover up their mistakes and my fiance wasnt even on my side…she took the drs side. Im done

    • Rod

      June 14th, 2016 at 8:39 PM

      Sorry for the long post, ive been thtough so much in the last couple years its unbelievable. The damage has barely gotten better and i am so upset with myself for not breaking up with this person at the start. I just remembered that she gave me the first silent treatment when we were driving to her brothers cabin and i never experienced that before and it really made me not feel good. We drove for about 2 solid hours without her saying a word and you could cut the tension in the car with a knife. I remember not ferling well with the silent treatment and i shouldve slammed the brakes on so hard and spun the car around and drove her back to her place without saying a single word. Then, at her place i shouldvr just said “get out!” And layed rubber as i was leaving. This wouldve been the absolute best thing that i could ever had done…my life depended on it.
      Thanks for being there😔

    • Browndog

      June 15th, 2016 at 11:25 AM

      Rod,
      The word “vampire” gets used for good reason as in Andrea’s Soul Vampires book title. The legendary vampire not only kills its victims but causes them to become vampires and spread the infection. Good that you did not respond in kind with silent treatment. These vampires want to infect us and seduce us into responding in kind. A narcissist only accepts those who act, talk and think like them. Disagree with one on anything and you are seen as a threat. As you noted, the emotional abuse they inflict is often trivialized as less than direct physical abuse, but as you discovered the physical damage from emotional abuse is internal, hidden, and much more deadly than the overt surface damage often seen in physical abuse. No one benefits so much from that lie than the perpetrators of emotional abuse. That ploy is often one to avoid blame and paint all abuse as perpetrated by males. The fastest way to disarm an emotional abuser is recognize that she has no credibility. We take them seriously because we gave them credibility instead of insisting on enough time for the two of us earn real credibility through actions. They can’t earn it because they are all image and no substance.

    • Browndog

      June 16th, 2016 at 3:49 PM

      Rod,
      Just thinking that a useful thing for you now might be the free online course in Mindfulness ongoing now through Monash University. It is in its 4th of six weeks and estimated time to go through the exercises is about 3 hours per week. It is actually a very well-done course, and there are some exercises in the first weeks that can be useful to getting ourselves back (to who we were before we crossed paths with the narcissist’s web). The price is right, so it couldn’t hurt. Just Google “mindfulness, monash” and you will quickly find it.

    • Indie

      June 22nd, 2016 at 10:32 AM

      Help me.. I have been involved with a women for four and half years on and off. The first year was fantastic with her ..very intense and soulmate kind of stuff. Texting and email every day and every few hours. The physical aspect was amazing as well. Then suddenly she ended it. Not much explanation given. I was heart broken and cried with her to come back. No response all I was told was I get “cold” like this!!. So a year and half later she is back and with minimal apologies wants to restart the relationship. I give in and we are back in communications again. But this time around she is even more self centered and less involved. She also rarely says she loves me and rarely goes out of her way to try to meet me or otherwise get together. Whenever I ask for more she responds with silence and indicates she cant do more and it is my problem. We make progress but finally this past february after I ‘create’ a very cool gift for her birthday and hope she can finally acknowledge and reach out to me more. But that does not happen and so we have a fight over text and she shuts down again. I feel guilty and pursue her over the next 3 months. No response and silence only. Finally she agress to meet me and with a lot of mixed signals says she does not love me and is going cold again. Also she says she never received the gift I created for her which is completely wrong since I have the email I sent her . But I guess she wants to move on at any cost. Silence is all I get from her now and zero empathy for the hell I am going thru.

    • Browndog

      June 22nd, 2016 at 12:57 PM

      Indie, it’s obvious that anyone who can gain no awareness for the damage that they cause multiple times is not a person fit for a relationship. There’s only one way you should ever consider gooing back with this person, and that is if she agrees to joint counseling. Otherwise, you are going to be hurt repeatedly. NPs usually refuse to have counseling, in which case you have a mandate and a path here for no contact, and you might be wise to take that path.

    • EasyTeasy

      July 22nd, 2016 at 2:48 AM

      Hi Indie, this person uses silent to manipulate you. For your welbeing, better forget her for good. You will never be happy. Even if you give her what she wants, marriage proposal, a wedding dream, and romantic trips, she will use the silent weapon to get what she wants, or when you do a slight mistake..

    • Indie

      June 23rd, 2016 at 10:22 AM

      Thank you Browndog.. your comments are gratefully accepted as they come at a very very low time in my life and in an important way serve to validate my intuition on this relationship. I just took ownership of a business and I am in crisis mode trying to keep it afloat. That is adding to the overall stress I am going thru all alone. But your comments give me a path forward. I did suggest therapy many times to her and during the breakup conversation and as before she refused even though I was going to be pay for it. Why do people refuse to get better if while knowing they have a problem? It is a mystery to me. I tend to be very emphatic/forgiving and dont like to deal in black and white since I believe there is always a lot of good in people but letting go seems the only thing left to do.Ending this relationship is like in being in mourning. Just a lot of sadness… Hopefully the universe has a plan for me and for her.. She deserves happiness as much as I do since she is so broken inside and hope she finds it as much as I hope to. Need strength at this time to stick with my plan and to stop the tears.. I have never found myself this emotional as in this relationship. Also trying to find a good therapist at this time… Will look for resources on this site.. Thanks again..

    • Browndog

      June 23rd, 2016 at 9:27 PM

      Hi Indie. Thanks for the response. Since you just took ownership of a business, consider that as your doing what you should be doing at this time. Just accepting doing something positive is where we should be, accepting that for now and putting our energy there helps our not dwelling on our loss and sadness about what isn’t possible. Be glad you have that because many have nothing to turn to other than their emptiness.

      There are some support groups online that are not substitutes for professional counseling but they confirm that we are NOT alone in recovering from the damage NPs enact even when we certainly feel alone. Look over the narcissistic recovery groups on runboard and/or reddit. Pick one and avoid all of the sites trying to get you to pay fees or subscribe to their service. We need a licensed professional, not chat sessions.

      People who do not deal in “black and white” are high-level thinkers, and they incorporate knowledge of feelings in their decisions. They recognize how their actions are likely to affect others and how their own feelings get in their own way of making ethical decisions. In my experience, many narcissists are dualists (black & white thinkers) and cannot incorporate feelings for others into their decisions or actions. They operate from no framework of ethical thinking. They just know what they want at a given moment in a relationship and are programmed to get it. Then, after they have it, they abruptly lose attraction for the person that they sucked into falling in love with them. It sounds like your experience is common in that a narcissistic significant other actually decided all alone without any involvement from you that you will live without love in you lives but still be around for her emergencies. Such people cannot imagine how we could not be OK with that. NP’s elevators can’t go to the top floor because they cannot envision that there is a top floor. Their “happiness” is not our happiness.

    • Paul

      June 24th, 2016 at 1:37 AM

      Is this not, in these terms, a re-telling of one’s story, a symptom of repeating/recreating/and keeping alive the trauma itself? Could one create a new story and a new perspective? One that is beyond roles and blame? Is this not a form of mental division and separation? What story could you, and would you, like to create, and what might it feel like to experience that story right now? What might it feel like to let go of what you believe you are, and free yourself to become what you aspire to be? How are all of our “internal” identities and personalities reflections of all of our “outer” relationships? And how are all of our inner and outer relationships continually informing us of how we are all individuals, and part of a larger, space-sharing, unified/whole/collective family, that are connected by cause/effect/karma/golden rule that informs our consciousness of how we can experience harmony/peace with ourselves and with others, beginning with our own perspectives?

    • Browndog

      June 24th, 2016 at 2:46 PM

      Paul, not sure who you are replying to, what you are advocating, what your comment has to do with silent treating or narcissism or how it got through the moderators.

    • Paul

      July 30th, 2016 at 9:26 AM

      Perhaps the moderators are able to understand the empowering perspective I presented.

    • Browndog

      July 31st, 2016 at 12:26 PM

      Paul, I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t understand what you were saying.

    • Paul

      August 24th, 2016 at 12:55 AM

      Is not what one sees in another, merely a mirror of one-self? Is not what one gives, also what one receives? Psychiatry and psychotherapy often refer to diagnoses as temporary symptom constellations. What might it take, and how might it feel, to speak words/mantras/diagnoses/stories/identities (and all that we think, say, and do), with ourselves and others, the world, and all beings, from a place that is an extension of the boundless love, and spacious compassion, that we all are (in our eternal shared present), beyond what we all do (the past), and offers this realization/realignment to ourselves and others, and guides our minds toward the symptom/experience/story constellation that we’d all like to experience with ourselves and each other (our shared, and desired future manifesting now)? Beauty never leaves, as it arises within all manifestations/forms, including the mind that divides things into beautiful and ugly. All conflict, internal and external, ends in neutrality, the space that allows all difference, both inside and outside. And though the mind continues to create divisions and splits, it cannot change awareness, the wholeness within awareness, and the eternal peace of that undivided awareness, or the one self that we are, and connects us all. Peace, success, and wellness to everyone, whatever path we all may be on.

    • indie

      June 25th, 2016 at 11:56 PM

      Thank you Browndog. Your comments on seeing the business as a good thing as opposed to nothing/emptiness is a very good point. It escaped till now how by mentally seeing the glass half full rather than half empty can make such a great difference. Amazing. So much for to be said for mental strength and not being down on oneself.
      I did join runboard although it seems a little biased to the more extreme cases and not so nuanced as what I have encountered personally with my NP. But I willl contribute my bit as well for someone else who could benifit in the future.
      Finally although I am in no doubt that my ex is a NP to a large degree I am not fully sure by what you meant about NP happiness not being our happiness? Is it that they are happy when they make us sad and cut us off or something different? Let me know.. it is a fascinating topic for sure.

    • Browndog

      June 26th, 2016 at 10:39 PM

      Hi Indie! Glad you are focusing better on your business. It helps to sink one’s teeth into something positive that we can control when suffering from a loss we cannot control. It seems that for you doing that is a serious investment in yourself, which in mindfulness is the virtue of being kind to ourselves. When we are seduced by a narcissist, we set aside ourselves for them, and we do lose ourselves. We ought to know better, but we don’t realize we are setting ourselves up for damage.

      When I said “Their ‘happiness’ is not our happiness,” I was expressing my belief that they are happily fixated on themselves and are incapable of valuing being in a long-term relationship. I think few believe that they deliberately do evil, but they end up doing it in spades by not recognizing that what they do constitutes evil. They can probably recognize evil just fine when they see someone else do it.

      In a good long-term relationship, we build shared memories along the life journey with that special person. We sense that happiness shared is better than happiness enjoyed alone, so we work toward building and preserving a relationship that provides that sharing. If the relationship becomes troubled, we care about it and we will try to save it rather than throw it away like yesterday’s newspaper.

      While we can be happy alone, it is different from the happiness of sharing. Given a choice, most of us will likely choose to live with sharing. NPs lack empathy, so I don’t think that they can feel loss when they discard a victim. Sharing doesn’t give them happiness in the way in which it does us and so they can’t value a relationship enough to make an effort to save it. They are happy in their own way in the way that Narcissus was in the legend—by being “happy” with his image reflected in the pond. Remember in the legend that Echo suffers because she is in love with Narcissus. Narcissus isn’t suffering. He is content not including her in his world and not sharing. He can’t even experience the reality of Echo as a significant other so he can enact extreme cruelty of emotional neglect while existing separately from it.

      The NPs I know usually disclose that they believe themselves strong and even spiritual because they “don’t need anyone.” Mine loved sending the repeated message: “You are not needed. You have no value.” Most aren’t strong and none certainly are achieving the Zen state of non-attachment that they sometimes attribute to themselves. Instead, they just don’t have the mindfulness component of empathy needed to enjoy another person or to sustain a relationship. Saying “I don’t need anyone” can be like a homeless person saying “I renounce my mansion.”

    • Melissa

      July 8th, 2016 at 7:10 PM

      I believe that my spouse of almost 16 years has narcissistic qualities or is a narcissist. He is the baby of his family while I am an oldest born. Sometimes that combination has not been a good one. During the course of our being together I have experienced silent treatment, gaslighting to a degree – when expressing my displeasure about something that he has done – the discussion comes back to me about a minimal infraction that I have done such as not thanking him for clearing the table while he rarely compliments or acknowledges anyone for what they do for him. That is but one example of the times when he has tried to take the attention off what he has done and put it onto me. Usually, when I bring up something that has upset me it’s pretty major – like him coming home drunk or him spending way too much time on his hobby of golf. I am a pretty easy going gal and it does take a lot to upset me. However, he has said and done some things completely unacceptable. He had told me early on in our marriage that he has an addictive personality. This has shown itself with drinking, chewing tobacco, gambling, pornography and spending lots of time with his hobby of golfing. A lot of things that he does shows an aspect of being selfish and only doing things that he wants. He will do anything that he wants to do but if it’s not his idea he doesn’t want to do it. That includes sex. He can only have sex on his terms. I just can’t trust him anymore because we have had too many instances of times where he has broken my trust either with the pornography (which he says he’s totally cured of now but has never sought a day of counseling for), financial issues, and promises that he has been unable to keep. When I have mentioned getting counseling, he claims he will go if I set it all up. When I mention divorcing, he says absolutely not, he loves me, the kids and the family we are building too much. Actions speak louder than words and not only has he said many horrible things to me but in his actions he has shown me that the children and myself are not at the top of his priority list. Four years ago when we were getting ready to move into the house we’re in now, we had been fighting and talking divorce and his words to me were: “Well, if something happens between us and this doesn’t work because of the state we live in, no matter who initiates the divorce the property gets split up 50/50 so I as the husband will still get half of what you get.” That sends the warm fuzzies! I didn’t know how to react to that. I didn’t know whether to assume that was a threat or a dare to try to divorce him. Two years later, I had planned a fun thing for him to do for Father’s Day with our 2 sons – I enrolled them in an area college father-son 2 day basketball camp that they had wanted to attend for awhile. When telling his family about what he and the boys were going to do for Father’s Day, he stated in front of everyone his ideal Father’s Day would be spent alone golfing 36 holes on that day, because he’s a Father on the other 364 days of the year. Oh yeah, the Father-of-the-Year trophy won’t be awarded to him anytime soon. Over these last couple of years, I have been doing more to disengage myself from him and put more distance between us so I can try to figure this picture out more and look at it from further away. He has his times of acting “normal” like you can talk and have normal conversations and then we get the times when he gives everyone the silent treatment, is moody, or snaps at everyone. He has never been overly affectionate and I am that way, so that is difficult, too. I try to show my 3 kids that we hug, we ask about their feelings, we say sorry, and we be caring towards one another. (Basically, all the things their dad is not capable of doing). I don’t believe there is any love here anymore and I fear that the love I thought was there was just smoke and mirrors. He does a lot to not be part of the family unit. He does a lot to have holidays not be special. We used to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mom and sisters. The ladies would go for pedicures, out for lunch, and then shop for a little while. Probably being gone a total of 6 hours at the most. The men would stay behind to watch their kids. The last couple of years that we did this, no matter how early we would get back, my husband would complain the loudest about how long we had been gone, how it wasn’t fair to him and then he would precede to have a tantrum about missing out on golfing time. The last year that he did that, he actually stormed out of my sister’s house and went golfing by himself for 4 hours while I got to set there wondering what had just happened. It was so embarrassing! I am ready to divorce but am afraid of how miserable he will make that whole process. As much as he is gone, our kids still always ask where he is when he is gone through out the day and they always want to spend time with him, so that makes it hard, too. I believe the kids and I are just place holders for being able to make him look like a “normal” person. I am searching for a counselor and am planning on attending even if my spouse refuses. I have to have clarity for myself and for my kids. All different times throughout my marriage I’ve thought it hasn’t been normal. I would talk myself out of it and say it was me. I would say I was misreading different situations and that I was too busy raising our 3 kids that I was not fully plugged into what was going on. I’ve tried to ignore this situation for a long time, too but I can’t ignore this any longer. I’m a school teacher and am so glad that I have that positive outlet in my life in addition to my own personal children. I’m ready to move on without him but am scared of how bad things could get. My husband is also a school teacher and coach in the same district that I teach at and we live in a pretty small town where everyone knows everybody else’s business. That has been another reason why I haven’t taken drastic measures yet. Any suggestions are appreciated.

    • Greg W.

      July 10th, 2016 at 2:09 AM

      Super ironic to find this article on psych central of all places. Being silent is one of the main, if not the main tool therapists use to manipulate patients into speaking more or into believing that they came up with something on their own. Maybe the psychology community should take a page from its own article?

    • Browndog

      July 11th, 2016 at 7:21 AM

      Greg W, I hope you are just spoofng us. Realize that April Fools Day WAS over three months ago :>). Just on the off chance you might have been serious, pauses to listen to let people think and collect their thoughts before responding are a well-documented practice. There has been research out there since at least the 80s on this by the specialists communication and education. The research wasn’t even pioneered by clinical psychologists so we cannot blame them. The research in education studied two-minute pauses and found them very effective in increasing the understanding well beyond the understanding achieved in control groups. Good communication practices are known from work done by specialists in communication, to which psychology is a related field but clinical psychologists are not the research specialists in communication who showed the benefits of good practices.What clinical psychologists are doing is employing the good practices established by other specialists. “Silent treatment” is the antithesis of good communication. Silent treatment is a tactic of emotional abuse, and it deliberately aims to control people and harm their emotional and physical health by shunning and disrespect. It can last for days or even months. It has nothing to do with pausing to empower others to gather their thoughts so they can answer honestly.

    • Bea

      July 14th, 2016 at 10:57 PM

      Interesting article. In my case the narcissist is my mother. All my life from I was a toddler she has given me the silent treatment. As a small child this was devestating to me as I spent so much time feeling anxious crying and unloved. Yet at the same time in other ways she was good to me and could be affectionate. I think she is an introvert and lonely and saw having a child as a way to have a friend but whnw that child wants to exert its own personality she feels threatened. As an adult she still has this control over me . If she disapproves of something or feels slighted then she uses the silent treatment and in my head im that child again. It literally freezes me that I can’t do anything and I get depressed. I lived with her and I want to move out but she will make digs at me and I lose my confidence. I’m tired of it now my self esteem is low and its affected my relationships. I did go to see a therapist recently but he didn’t seem to have a clue what I was talking about.

    • Browndog

      July 15th, 2016 at 8:02 AM

      Hi, Bea. s your mother a single mom? It sounds like there is no other parent in your home or childhood. YCannot tell your age from your post, but if you are an adult does sound like you are overdue to try a test flight from the nest. An economic way to do so is looking at craigslist for sharing a house or condo with a suitable roommate. You also might want to search the web for “emotional incest.” Parts of what you describe in your experience fit this. Children cannot meet a mother’s needs of best adult friends or significant others, and placing such demands on children places demands on them that they cannot meet. It is damaging to the child. Go seek a qualified therapist, one who has both qualifications and a license to practice. If you tolerate the situation, you’ll end up being 50 years old and still asking “Mommy” for permission to live as an adult.

    • Bea

      July 15th, 2016 at 11:43 AM

      Browndog. Thanks so much for replying. No my mum has beena tried to my dad for over forty years but she had him under control too. I am an only child and the pressure has always been put on me. It has left me that I am half an adult . I couldn’t movr out previously due to economic reasons but now I feel paralysed with fear that I will be lonely. Shr now lays guilt trip on me for wanting my own life and I feel guilty as she’s getting older . Te therapist I went to was qualified and accredited but he just didn’t understand. My mother also used fear by saying once I go this time se won’t want to see me again. It seems weird but this terrifies me . I do love her very much but I resent her and even hate her sometimes that I am paralysed with fear to stand on my own two feet now. I hold down a responsible job and I have good friends but because my parents are the only family I have . I will look up the emotional incest thing . I also looked up attachment and abandonment issues as well .

    • EasyTeasy

      July 22nd, 2016 at 2:40 AM

      Informative article
      I’m the narcissic person in the story. I never employed such a weapon, but the target left me no choice.
      I was very empathic and extravert, very understanding. But the attack came from the target as a form of disrespect, and my reaction was natural : silence. Not as a weapon, but as a response. Calling repeatedly does only feed my narcissism. The only way to resolve this, is to commit to my rules, and more, like in the movies. lol. I want the person to struggle and stronly apologize, and conform…or leave.
      When discussing does not resolve things, when being potentially abandonned while you were the good person in the story, silence is a natural continuity.

    • Browndog

      July 22nd, 2016 at 12:28 PM

      In my understanding, silent treatment is neither a “natural progression” of a way of being with another person nor a way to resolve difference. Refusal to talk and refusal to make use of counseling when good faith effort at talking fail seems a childish tactic to avoiding being an adult in an adult relationship. One cannot demand the benefits of a relationship while simultaneously silent-treating the other person in the relationship. At some point, one needs to learn to either reach out or get out. No one has authority to express to another: “My plan for you is that you will live without love” and expect the target to go along with it. No one should need to be part of such an agenda. After a relationship ends and the victim is safely in his or her own space, no contact is appropriate because by then it is recognized there is no relationship possible. The silent-treater then gets to be silent by herself or himself—without an audience.

    • Adele

      July 22nd, 2016 at 4:35 AM

      The weirdest thing I have ever experienced in this context is a friend giving me the silent treatment on a few occasions, for weeks on end. Each time directly after we had spent a great time together. No conflict, no argument – everything was “hunky-dory”, there had been great talks, much laughter, much learning from each other. And from literally one hour to the next she ignored me, only replied with clipped sentences, flippant, and apparently annoyed that I even so much as dared to ask what was wrong.
      In the end, after the last time, she answered my enquiry about the reason for her silence with a mail in which she stated that she had “read a lot”, that she found I was insecure and instable (me. yeah right… ^^), and that she saw no way to communicate with me anymore, and that she would therefore cut the contact altogether. (Interesting logic, b.t.w., to argue that you cut the contact because the other person has asked why you’ve cut the contact. Still makes my head spin. ^^)
      For a while I was totally confused. In my head, I went through every conversation, every action, wondering what I might have done wrong. Had I offended her somehow? Had I offended or hurt her son? Had I destroyed or soiled anything in her house without noticing? Had I gotten in the way between her and a man she liked? I found nothing. And I hoped that she would perhaps come around at some point and we could pick this friendship up again. But the more time passes, the more I’m doubting if I really want that. My former friend has many great qualities, but I have since realized that chances are she’ll be doing the same thing to me again and again. I’ve already heard from a common friend that she does that frequently, even to him, and I have witnessed her doing it to others on Twitter. For a while (between 1,5 and 3 months, she’ll totally hype a person, then she’ll dump them. Guess I was one of those. And quite frankly: I deserve better.
      The only thing I’m still trying to understand is why she’d use the silent treatment against me when we hadn’t even had the slightest of conflicts, but in fact a wonderful time. This is absolutely bizarre. Does anyone have an answer to that? I surely don’t…

    • Browndog

      July 30th, 2016 at 1:24 PM

      Adele, the excuse that she “had read a lot….” and then proclaimed you as insecure indicates you are dealing with an egotist if not a narcissist. These people are all too willing to label who you are while coming from a perspective that they are superior in their knowledge, spirituality, life experiences yadayadayada. “I read a lot. Therefore I can judge others with my unerring accuracy, and I judge you deserve silent treatment.” Yes–that sounds idiotic, but it seems to capture what you described that she did to you. She may not be an idiot, but she lacks credibility and likely is not a great choice to depend on as a close friend.

    • Chica

      July 22nd, 2016 at 7:49 AM

      I have lived with/married a narcissist for 23 years now. The silent treatment is the worst part. I have 2 sons, and he has given them the silent treatment also. I have tried to tell them that he has problems, and not to take it personally; but growing up, that is hard for a kid to understand. In reading all of these posts, I see that I have not “imagined” this. It all sounds so familiar, the patterns, when you see them coming, etc. I think I would have gotten out of this a long time ago, if 1) trying to keep the family together, and 2) after a “bad wave” ends, then you have a few weeks of a “good wave”. It gets very old though, and I feel it just sucking the life out of me. Thank you all for your comments you have posted.

    • Bea

      July 22nd, 2016 at 10:56 AM

      This may affect your kids. I feel it has given me attachment / abandonment issues. To this day I annot bear being ignored .. It sends me into anxiety. The worst bit was the bad days then the good days when you love someone. It woudk be easier if all bad days as eventually I would have cracked and walked away but it’s hard when someone you love and want to love you . It’s being played

    • Tristan

      July 24th, 2016 at 1:51 PM

      I didn’t realize what type of person I was dealing with, I really did not, nor have I experienced this pain before-I should have realized early on it wasn’t normal-In the beginning it would be days, where I’d leave his place bawling b/c I got him mad, said something (not even bad at all, but something he didn’t want to hear) and I knew once that door would shut I wouldn’t see him for days-I’d send desperate text and I’d get nasty ones back, saying I was the problem and he can’t deal with me…why did I not run away then? It’s been 5 years now and the silent treatments have now gone up to 3 months-We live in the same bldg, I live one floor above him, and oddly enough I maybe saw him 3x in those 3 months-But when I did, there was no desperation from him, how he has missed me so much, it was “I’m not going to put up with your horrible and destroying behavior” it’s always on me, always-
      Every trip we have gone on it has ended up with him telling me I’m horrible, the one ruining the relationship…every single time-Not one time have we been on a trip where it went smooth-The last one, he blew the last day there b/c he asked if I would ever ride a bike with him on a trail somewhere (I’ve never seen him ride a bike, nor has he ever said he wanted to), I said no-My reason for no is something he should be aware of, I’ve had 2 knee surgeries, last one was ACL replacement and in general I hate riding bikes and it hurts my knee-In a car ride in Utah on the way to the airport to fly back to Chicago he yelled at me and called me the most horrible person he knows, the worst person ever…At the airport I got the same treatment-I was crying and besides myself as he was on his laptop looking at future trips showing me pictures-Now I am crying b/c he basically made me feel like the worst person ever yet he is fine, asking if I was hungry…This is how it always goes, he never ever sees me crying and feels bad-He’ll tell me I’m weak or “enough crying”

      The last issue, which has yet started a new silent treatment is I was thinking of moving out the high-rise we live in, again I live one floor above him-He is wealthy, I barely get by…so I was hoping to save some money and looked at a couple bldgs-I had 10 days to decide if I was to renew my lease or my rent would go up quite a bit-During the 10 days of me showing him new places online, floor plans etc. did he say “oh my gosh I’d hate for you to move” or “I’d miss you so much” or “How much are you looking to save” nothing, not one comment-Not one concern that I was stressed out of my mind being I have a 16 year old sick dog and 16 year old cat with issues…I had to think what was best for us all and he gave me no empathy while I was drawing numbers up and deciding what is the best option-

      I decided to knock on his door July 9th, and ask him if he cared-So he opened the door and I said “I have to ask you a question…does it matter to you that I would consider moving out? That you would see me maybe only on the weekends? That I wouldn’t be above you anymore?” He looked at me and said “I’m not dealing with this sh%t now and walked away”

      My rage erupted, I followed him in and vented all my frustrations-He called me a liar but had nothing to back up what I was lying about, which is nothing-Said I am the worst person, horrible, idiot and I ruined the relationship-Then what set me off was he said me looking at other places was “just a game” I got so mad that I walked over and yelled “I hate you” and pushed him-

      Now he has called me names, stuff I can’t repeat and has physically hurt me a couple years ago-To stoop so low and push him was very wrong of me, but it all built up in me-

      However the difference b/t him and I…I apologized before I walked out if his place, I apologized that I pushed him and hurt his feelings-I did so with text too, saying I feel bad I hurt your feelings, I have no excuses, yet my apology is not good enough for him-

      I reached out on July 18th mentioned I’ve apologized numerous times yet it’s not good enough for him, I got back that he’s tired of me being a bully…

      I’m so mad, when he’s hurt me and done horrible things it was “you made me do it” or “I reacted to how you made me feel” he never apologized right away, ever-He felt he was in the right, it was justified b/c I upset him so I deserved it-

      I’m trying to move on, to pretend he doesn’t exist, 5 years of this is too much-Yet it’s so hard to love someone so much yet mean nothing to them-I wake up and he’s what I think ok, all throughout the day I think I might get a text or email that says how desperately he loves me and how he’s messed up, but that never happens-Nor will it ever, he will forever believe I ruined the relationship, that it was always me-That he tried so hard but I didn’t try…I mean nothing to someone that means everything to me-I can’t change him, he needs to have empathy but he never will-

    • Browndog

      July 24th, 2016 at 9:59 PM

      Tristan, so sorry to read of the pain you are experiencing. A person who cares for an old dog and an old cat sounds like a really good-hearted person. Kudos on your doing that!
      It seems that even though your contact with him is infrequent, it is a hurtful event, and the more you think about the events, the more you are hurt. His pattern of having no interest in your interests, no empathy and frustrating you until you respond in kind and then feel badly about yourself is not a healthy relationship. Yet, it is like what many people who post here have experienced. If you found another place that is to your liking, then a move should be made based on your desire to live there. A danger lies in relocating to a place where you will dislike living for another reason and thereby acting against your own best interests. Some counseling to help you to learn why you keep putting yourself out there for more hurting with this person may help you break out of this pattern that keeps bringing you sadness.

    • Chica

      July 27th, 2016 at 4:53 PM

      Tristan, move on without him! You are normal, he is NOT!

    • Bea

      July 30th, 2016 at 8:37 PM

      Tristan , I agree with chica move on from him but I know how hard that step is. I was seeing a guy on and off this last year . I think they may be a narc too . He blew hot and cold and could bet terribly sweet then the next insensitive almost cruel . If I spoke to him and said a b and c has upset me . Please don’t do it. He would apologise and be attentive fit a while and then do same thing again. Then at other times he would avoid me for weeks. Then come see all attentive again. This messed with my head keeping me on a string. However this week he has surpassed himself wanting to me meet me then running off after 15 mins and wasted my time and I haven’t heard from him since. No apology nothing. I was so distraught but this time I’m done with him. It will be hard but there is something not right with him

    • Shirley

      August 1st, 2016 at 9:51 AM

      My husband is not a narcissist at all but he can do his silent treatment like no other. I have been married for 10 years and as long as he is getting his own way things are good. This is a second marriage and we both have adult children. His children do not speak to him and have not for many years. He blames his ex but I wonder. Anyway, I have adult children as well and we are all VERY close. My children and grandchildren are coming to visit us and of course stay with me for a few days and he is giving me the silent treatment, cold stares, snippy answers if he absolutely has to answer me. His mother encourages this because in her mind there is no other families that are perfect so if you are not from them then you are nothing. She encourages him to hate everyone else and especially my kids and our grandkids.
      He himself is a quiet person who doesn’t like to be noticed but he has the silent treatment perfected. I will stand my ground and have my kids come and see me but I will pay for it with the silence and rudeness. It will be uncomfortable while he is around. He won’t speak to them when they are here. They have done nothing to him and go out of their way to include him and speak to him but in 10 years nothing. Although that said he was perfect before we got married. Pretended to be a family man and he loved my children. When the ring went on I was his exclusive property I think.
      Not sure what to do.

    • Browndog

      August 1st, 2016 at 11:14 AM

      Shirley, you say he is not a narcissist, so let’s assume you are right. From there, it seems what you describe might be made better if there is a chance to do family counseling so the opportunity to have a better life is there for all of you in your melded family. Your husband may not know how to make family life better given the mother you described and his experience growing up. If he is not a narcissist, he may welcome exploring better options provided by a knowledgeable professional. You should be able to locate one through the sponsors of this site. Look at it as exploring and learning and not as “straightening-out” anyone.

    • Shirley

      August 1st, 2016 at 5:34 PM

      We have gone to family counciling several times. He knows how to manipulate and says of course he loves my kids. Then we go home and back to the exact same. With my youngest daughter she was only 11 and I was in between them all those years. All it did was make my daughter and I extremely close.
      He can’t be honest with himself how can we move forward.

    • Browndog

      August 2nd, 2016 at 8:17 AM

      Shirley, I am so sorry your effort did not succeed. Sounds like he really cannot hear any view outside his own, and your story is so similar to that lived by too many of us. The bright spot is that your daughter and you are now more informed and closer, so the effort was not a total loss. Congratulations on making the effort. Doing so takes courage.

    • CW

      August 6th, 2016 at 9:49 AM

      I recognize some of these traits within myself. (Perfectionist w/o.c.d., high generalized anxiety, panic attacks, child neglect, narcissistic mother who reels me in and cuts me loose by saying something awful every time. Seriously, she lives 5 minutes away and I haven’t seen/heard from her in 2 months.) I don’t enjoy that for sure, and I agree it’s something that is learned and toxic and then difficult to get out of. I found this page, hoping for insight on how to break the current round of stonewalling I’m in. I searched, “silent treatment for a good reason.” Yes, “for a good reason” certainly paints me as quite the narcissist, doesn’t it?
      I’ve been married for almost 20 years. I was very young when we married (19), and hubs had the upper hand. He was 26 and established and domineering, although at the time I saw it as manly and swooned. He controlled most things that were going on in the house because he paid the bills, and as he was correct I did what I was “supposed to”, which was everything except go to work m-f. Kids- never bothered dad to play, distrust his sleep… Never question if he’s spent too much of our budget on junk. Granted, sometimes the pendulum swung the other way and I had “control” I had say in how our house looked & he decided we needed new flooring, but I’d hold out for the better quality, more appealing.
      When I turned 30, my o.c.d. and depression were off the charts. I started pitching fits when I didn’t agree with him. I was angry at him for how he’d treated me in the past and angry at myself for allowing some little man to marginalize me for so long. I didn’t want to be a trapped house wife. I started booking girls trips with friends and telling him later. Buying concert tickets to go alone. I enrolled in community college. Even though the burden of arranging childcare for our now 3 kids, was solely mine and not ours. I went 2 years until we could no longer afford my schooling and full time care for our youngest and after school care for our older 2. And so I did what he said he knew I’d do- I quit. (Please note I always worked during this time- overnight jobs and then took care of the kids during the day. I brought in $, but he is the higher paid) But like I said, I feel the tables have turned I’m the “boss”. And when we disagree, I do the thing I know works, that hurts him in the way I feel I’ve been hurt. I quit speaking to him until he apologizes. It’s generally about him going back to his being the “boss”, and making a decision that he ready should talk to me about- buying a motorcycle because all his friends have one, then refusing to listen to me wanting to spend money on something he sees no value in, then a year later he sells the motorcycle because he didn’t really like it, only to then get into kayaking… I tell him he collects hobbies as his hobby.
      Which brings me to our current stand off, the one I feel is a “good reason”. We have a friend who’s into guns, heavily. We also have a son who’s struggling with depression. Our son admitted to his Dr that he’d been smoking pot off and on. Why- to calm himself when he was considering suicide. Our son had driven himself to a gun store to make a purchase. A friend talked him into going to a book store, where he spent $200 on books so he’d not have enough $ left. We unsuccessfully sought counseling from our insurance, our son was put on med’s, we tried to get mental help. It’s insanely hard to do, no pun intended. Our son is hanging in there, barely. The next month, our son is texting me while in class, rapid unintelligible texts. I recognize it as a panic attack and beg him to go to the counselor. Son goes, has to pitch a fit to be seen. Counselor evaluates, security is called, I have to get him at school, escorted off campus. County mental health services come to our house. They arrange psychiatric care, our son is in therapy, his med’s have been completely changed. Our son is doing well, better than the last two years. This was June 2016-5 days ago my husband walked in the door and said, “don’t be mad I bought a gun.”
      My mouth dropped, & I just stared at him. He said, “I didn’t say anything because I knew how you felt about guns.” I started cooking dinner in shock, dropping things, spilling everything. Then I walked in the living room and said, your son tried to kill himself two months ago, he said, “I know.” The next morning he tried to kiss me goodbye and I just turned away.
      I haven’t spoken to him in 5 days. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about being around him. I leave the house when I know he’ll be home. I sat in the car eating lunch at Walmart yesterday and couldn’t make myself get out of the car. I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I had to call a friend to come get me. By the time I called her I noticed I’d been sitting for an hour, just alternating between staring and crying. I can’t listen to the popular songs on the radio that mention guns without seeing my sons head shot off. I dislike guns under ordinary circumstances. I do not want one in my house with my suicidal son. I don’t care if it’s locked up, the potential for something to happen is too great. It’s the same reason, why you wouldn’t have alcohol in a house with an alcoholic.
      Yesterday husband came home early, my oldest son had told him he was worried because he saw I was crying earlier. My husband had the nerve to ask what was wrong I unleashed on him. He calmly said he was getting rid of it so I didn’t need to worry. I still yelled, why would you ever do this? He tried to justify it: it would be in pieces, our son would never know, and our son is better he’s fine, it’s not like there is a waiting period for buying guns- if son wants one he will get it so having one here isn’t any different, I want one before guns are banned… Again, from a gun enthusiast friend.
      That is not acceptable to me, I read to him a text our son sent hours before, where he wrote “it’s days like today I’d rather die”. That was our sons reaction for showing up late to a Dr appointment, our son is not fine.
      I walked away. Fuming, sick, and hating him. I went to yell more and found him in the garage, taking the gun out of the box, polishing it. I asked why it was here, he said again, “I’m talking it away.” I assumed he was cancelling the order, but he’s storing it at a friends house.
      I’m so angry, I’m hurt that knowing how I felt, and our sons situation, that he’d do this. He intended to keep it in our house, and so I’ve stopped talking to him. I literally can’t think of anything to say to him. I’m glad the gun is gone, but I feel he was wrong. I hate the way he made me feel and worry. I don’t want to to be the one to reach out. He did this, I don’t understand how he could.

    • KN

      September 11th, 2016 at 2:00 AM

      I am so grateful I found this article, as it finally helped me understand and finalize closure with my ex of 2 years.

      I would get the silent treatment every month, sometimes for days, and ask it progressed, for weeks.
      In the end I cut the relationship off. We had an arguement, and I sensed the inevitable silent treatment coming. This time, I turned the page, and changed control. I was the one who blocked her phone calls, hung up on her, and put her on the shelf for a couple days.
      She tried contacting me numerous times, claiming she was the victim, of my abuse. I admit, after being regected by the silent treatment, I would say things I did not mean, but I felt like a snake in a corner. Attacking when I was attacked.

      It was and will always be my fault. I am so grateful I found this article. It helped open my eyes, that I truly was the victim. And I will no longer be controlled by this woman!

    • Jenny

      September 13th, 2016 at 4:05 PM

      My Narcissist ex is so paranoid. He is onto his 6th new online presence now to meet his constant need to be looked for and followed — you know, ‘sought after.’ He also loves people to think he was somewhere he never was.
      Last time he was at my place more than a year ago he would look in my closet because he thought someone was in there, when he’d take a shower he’d casually toss his phone “turned off” in the middle of the bed while it was recording sound and video. Creepy. Half the time it wasn’t even his real phone ..just looked the same. In this electronic age it is possible to forward the same number to two different phones so both appear active and he can hide one in plain site. Each has it’s own set of online presences. He gives phones away he gave an old one to a girl he had been working on in another country so that Swedish girl gets to feel special because she’s got his phone! Meanwhile he strings her along until he needs a hostage and gets carte blanche access to her electronic life. Oh, she pays for her own service (please) he tracks her with those pesky hidden apps. Devices you’ve ever used, even if just for e-mail and not phone service never leave your icloud profile unless you delete them and he continues to track from there.

    • Opal

      September 28th, 2016 at 10:43 AM

      I agree with this article and how the Cluster B Disordered individuals use the silent treatment to control their relationships. However after being conned over a period of years, I have resorted to a policy of No Contact in order to protect myself. It became clear to me that the person I thought I was involved with was lying, cheating and stealing (my time, love, money, and medication) from me. He had nothing but complaints about me. He would disappear for weeks, months. Then pop up on text messages with brain tumors, success stories, as if nothing was wrong. I figured that if he needed, wanted to communicate with me he would call or text. I was not going to contact him so he could use me some more. I feel bad when I read that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. For me it saves me from being used and abused further. The silent treatment for me says, ” I am not going to initiate a forum for you to abuse me further.”

    • Browndog

      September 28th, 2016 at 6:02 PM

      Opal, If you read through the discussions over the last year or two, you will see that No Contact has nothing in common with Silent Treatment. I found the easiest way for me to see the difference was to realize that silent treatment occurs during a relationship in which people commit to being together for purposes of romance, living together or working together. For one reason or another, they have to share space and they have usually made an agreement to share this for some purpose of mutual benefit. Silent treating another in a committed relationship is a way of breaking the agreement while holding the other person captive to the toxic environment created by the treatment. Once you leave the relationship of job, house-sharing, or a job, no contact is perfectly normal. You are not in an agreement or committed relationship with responsibilities. You can have no responsibility or obligation to them nor they to you, so it is not even possible for you to “Silent Treat” them — no guilt!

      Your story is amazing. It sounds like it was a very healthy decision that you made to break from the relationship you described. To remain there was to remain in abuse, and no one could blame you for removing yourself from such treatment. Sorry you had that experience.

    • Zachary

      October 27th, 2016 at 6:48 AM

      I am in the navy and currently deployed on an aircraft carrier. my wife right now has been giving me the silent treatment for a few days now. she has done this to me many times. and I do not know how to break through it. does anyone have any ideas?

    • Andrea Schneider MSW LCSW

      October 27th, 2016 at 1:45 PM

      @Zachary – I would let her know that you would like to speak with her when she has cooled off and that silent treatment is not playing fair; it’s actually abusive. She could acknowledge that she knows you’d like to talk and then let you know when she’s ready. You need to honor her space and she needs to honor your need for making amends about whatever happened. If she is stonewalling you with silence, there is nothing that’s going to break through that but her willingness to communicate with you like an adult. That may not be on your timetable, but perhaps you could consider couples counseling if you plan to continue in the relationship. That would show you what’s she’s made of and if she is able to have healthy boundaries and good conflict resolution skills, including empathy, reciprocity and accountability. Good luck !

    • nadia s

      November 9th, 2016 at 11:40 AM

      They started stalking me on Twitter Madonna, Rhianna, Beyonce, Jared Letto, Jimmy Fallon, Laura Groves trolls, affiliated musicians
      Zack garifinakles, will ferrel, Jack Dorsey, it turned into this subtle hate campaign that escalated into public stalking. When their agents were contacted, nobody wanted to clarify who was doing this, silence 8 months went by and I go into a police station to ask for advice on how to report several individual I knew personally, that participated and knew who was doing this. I was harmed and emotionally abused and intimidated to keep quiet not to mention any of the celebrities above. With in 2 years, I have had my careers ruined, been insulted and humiliated by half the UK and US online, withdrawn from my degree for complaining that students were participating in this, every thing else has been manipulated by somebody, some local authorities and ambulance have even participating in this covert harassment, I’ve been slandered and missrepresented and forced to keep quiet. If the above mentioned had their managers just clarify something, I probably would have never gone to the police for further help, would have been WORKING and getting on with my life. I’ve never been so humiliated in 1 year and had so many things ruined.

    • Browndog

      November 12th, 2016 at 1:20 PM

      Paola Z, Sorry about the painful experiences. You seem to be owning up to your actions produced by frustration as a triggering of “silent treatment” that perhaps could also be shutting down rather than a perverse exercise of narcissism. With neither of you enjoying these painful experiences, would going jointly to a therapist to learn about how to communicate in ways other than what you are doing now be possible?

    • Lisa

      November 18th, 2016 at 3:27 PM

      Believe my ex was a narcissist. I dumped him 6 months ago due to pathological lying. When I tripped him up on different stories he was telling, he would never apologize or explain himself. He lied about things he didn’t even need to lie about! He was always very secretive about his life as well and would rarely offer anything personal beyond the superficial. He would answer when I asked questions but if he wasn’t comfortable with one he would give a very vague answer. Passive-aggressive type.

      He got in contact with me recently by phone and advised he has colon cancer and taking chemo several times a week. Why did he even think I would care? Anyway, we talked and I got to feeling sorry for all the shit he was going through. He said he would be getting surgery in about 5 weeks time for his cancer. One of my weaknesses is a soft heart. Then he started talking about all the activities he has been involved in and that he is dating again. I didn’t say anything, but if he is going through so much chemo and is so sick, how would he have the energy to be engaging in all this, especially dating? Started to think he might be making it all up to garner sympathy. He has a history of lying and I would not put it past him to concoct an enormous lie about being so sick. I cannot prove he is lying but my gut tells me something is off about the story.

      I did look on the dating site (where we initially met) and his profile is active and showed to be “online this week”). Does anything think all of this sounds fishy? He said he called to just “talk” and not necessarily get together.

    • Anonymous

      November 25th, 2016 at 5:46 AM

      Hello,
      I stumbled across this article upon researching the silent treatment. The information in this article can also be applicable in a friendship as well. I had a bff from over 10+ years who has had a history of giving me the silent treatment whenever things do not go her way or she perceives me to be behaving “phonily” whenever there is a disagreement. I consider myself an honest and kind person; having gone so far as to pay for her meals, provide transportation, and just over-exceed my boundaries in a healthy friendship.

      It bothered me when she recently cut me off again and never confronted what was wrong but I am realizing that it may be best to walk away from this friendship for good because she has exhibited some narcissistic personality traits/characteristics. People with narcissistic traits tend to have a flawed image of themselves obviously covered up due to low self-esteem.

      Just remember to anyone who may read this that you are worth more be it romantically or platonically with friends. A true spouse/friend with a healthy self-esteem will take responsibility for their actions and communicate with you respectfully whenever an issue presents itself. It’s true that we all get upset or hurt and sometimes need to back away or may even do something that is offensive, but again when you have a healthy self-esteem, it will manifest because you wouldn’t intentionally hurt those you love and care about.

      Take care of the inside of you. Nurture, grow, and heal. I was involved romantically with a narcissist and it took the past few years but it took him to come back and me to give him the stop sign this time. I love me for me, and if a friend will try to summon my ex’s behavior through his narcissism, goodbye to all!

      Take care and this article was so insightful!

      Shannon

    • Cindy

      November 27th, 2016 at 5:24 AM

      The Thanksgiving holiday came and went, in peace for me. My brother in law, I heard….told his sister everyone is welcome at his table, and she unleashed a hell storm on him for not ‘taking sides’ and called him a terrible father (he is not a terrible father). He did the adult thing. She called him names and basically burned a bridge with him,too, which she has to repair, now. She used every trick in her book, name calling, screaming, refusing to come to Thanksgiving if I was there….and none of it worked on him. Then she tried to ruin the day with a last minute email…”which was a little bit kinder, but in the end, trying to guilt trip him for not answering his phone and spending time with his family, instead. He stood up to her, as he did with his mother and sister in the past, for his wife’s sake. He did not allow bad behavior to effect him and his decision. I could tell he was bothered most of the evening, and finally said something to my husband and me when we left and were outside. I just said….”it is your house, your rules” and my husband said…”she is mean.” We changed the subject. He gave us big hugs and we left. We invited them to our Christmas Open House. My husband can invite his sister if he wants, I will be busy with hostessing and greeting friends and other family. I am done with her personally. I am NOT imaging her transgressions, I read what she said about me and what she thinks and how twisted she is, and that is not a friend. I have given her so many second chances, I do not have anymore to give. Done.

    • Gretha

      November 28th, 2016 at 1:15 PM

      Большое спасибо за этот пост, и каждый, кто поделился своей историей. Эта тема была такой открытой для меня. Длинная история короткая & # 8211; Я имел в виду мыть, Сердце-мучительные силы играют в возрасте на пять месяцев, в результате у меня проблемы с желудком, увеличили питье и вывих на плечо, я почти не потерял себя несколько раз, Не в суицидальном пути (у меня есть дети, поэтому я действительно не считаю, что вариант) Но государство, которое я был ... был очень близко к смерти. Я просто хочу сказать этой истории, а также извиняюсь за обобщения & # 8220; вы чувствуете, и т. д. и # 8221; и & # 8220; он / она & # 8221; & # 8211; Я просто хотел подчеркнуть, что женщины делают это с иногда еще более жестокостью и Элегантность, и что этот опыт настолько похожи на то, что мои близкие друзья прошли и # 8211; Это чувствует себя нереально, что это случилось, и я был ... Ну, ослеплен.
      Я был в физически оскорбительных отношениях, когда был молодым, было также много бесшумных лечений, и для меня это было невыносимым. Я сбежал из этого и взял Мой ребенок со мной, прошел через терапию и имел большой второй брак в течение многих лет. К сожалению, мы развелись в прошлом году, но мы все еще остаемся хорошими друзьями и воспитываем детей как близко друг к другу. Когда я начал встречаться снова, я чувствовал, что иногда я привлекаю эмоциональные / сексуальные хищники, но я думал, что я умнее этого. Добиваться Теперь я вижу Что у меня были множество иллюзий о том, как моя жизнь могла бы / будет, и я ожидал слишком много из моих следующих отношений, без глубокого понимания в моем собственном состоянии .. Но это другая история. Теперь я просто счастлив быть больше / меньше себя снова.
      Итак, начало так круто и дикий и сексуальный, что вы в основном чувствуете, что он твой родной душ :) и & # 8221; Секс-накопитель иногда так соблазн! Я думаю, может быть, Это потому, что для некоторых из них это ближайшая точка, где они могут попасть к другому человеку близко, тот, очко они своего рода & # 8220; Seep & # 8221;. Не все из них курс.
      Там было это красивое чувство, как никто в мире, просто нас. Рассказывая друг другу секреты и глубокие привязанности, делиться мечтами, дополняющими друг друга на каждом маленькая вещь. Как два детей потеряли на острове. & # 8220; вроде нет никого другого & # 8221; Чувство также, где начинается изоляция, я вижу, что сейчас & # 8211; Но это также может быть просто Любитель & # 8217 - взаимная слепота, и как вы можете сказать разницу в начале? .. В этом случае вы почувствуете эту атмосферу от другого человека, которого вы не должны никому не допустить. Потому что этот мир один к одному тщательно охраняется, никто не должен видеть, что происходит. Так медленно ситуация меняется, но что бы ни случилось, вы идете с этим .. просто немного обидно вещи, недоразумения .. вы думаете и # 8211; Это потому, что мы разные, я могу жить с ним. Если это плохое, вы думаете, вы думаете и # 8211; это пройдет. Если его очень плохой & # 8211; Вы думаете, что это ошибка. Иногда вы злитесь, разочарованы и недовольны, и пытаетесь поговорить или даже хуже & # 8211; попытаться уйти, потому что вы чувствуете, что что-то Неправильно .. Где красивое чувство, что ты чувствовал? Почему он не сохраняет обещание, почему он избегает предмета? Почему этот странный забор вокруг? В последствии гнева вы чувствуете вину и самостоятельное презрение. Он действует, как будто вы виновны, потому что вы задали неправильные вещи, но если вы пытались уйти .. Ну, будьте готовы к тихому лечению. Если Это и # 8217 - твой первый, ощущается, что кто-то, кто-то, кто вам бросил вызов без вашего разрешения.
      Но вы остаетесь, потому что вы уже под этим странным заклинанием. Вы платите все больше и больше внимания к каждой детали. Чем более снятый и загадочный он / она получает, тем больше одержимы Ты. Должно быть решение, должно быть объяснение. Особенно, если у вас большое сердце, грузы сочувствия, сострадание, а вы в любви и # 8211; Вы чувствуете, что вы Каким-то образом частью этой тайны, может быть, вы это вызвало? Может быть, вы виновны .. Или этот человек имеет проблемы с детства, кто-то обидел его в прошлом, и вы видите, что вы тот, кто может помочь!
      Но это берет все свои силы, постепенно. И через некоторое время ощущается, что вы существуете только в этом конкретном взаимодействии с этим человеком, и вы не чувствуете другой мир в все. Люди могут сказать вам приятные вещи, подбодрим вас, постарайтесь помочь, но вы хотите только и # 8211; Либо рядом с этим человеком, помоги ему, несмотря на все, возьми его любовь и одобрение, Или умереть, другие варианты похожи на черную дыру, в какой-то момент они перестают существовать. И он делает все, чтобы убедиться, что все ваши другие энергетические источники закрыты, но когда вы даете все & # 8211; Он молчит. И холодно. Или очень строгий, занят, избегая вас и всегда иметь миллион различных (или иногда повторяющихся) причин, чтобы просто не быть там. Наконец, чувство такое же, как вы находитесь в пустой ячейке, простуда и мокрые, нет света, нет еды, нет звуков, вы совершенно одиноки, и ваш разум порывается как безумно, думая & # 8211; "Что я сделал? Это моя вина? И если это не было, что я могу сделать? И если это так, что я могу сделать? потому что все, что я делаю, кажется только хуже .. «Вы начинаете думать & # 8211; Да, я был слишком резким. Я не должен был злиться, когда он (или она, независимо от) исчез и не писал три дня. Я не должен просить его провести час Со мной & # 8211; В конце концов, он так занят. И в конце концов, я люблю его, я не могу просто быть более терпеливым, все большему пониманию, я как этот злой, требующий партнера, так что я ошибаюсь, и он Правильно, наверное .. И вы идете и спросите прощения, чувствуя себя как нищий. Он не молчит больше времени, просто чтобы показать власть. Затем он отвечает с & # 8211; Конечно, это Хорошо, я все еще хочу, чтобы вы просто должны были дождаться дня или два, лота проектов должны быть закончены прямо сейчас. Рад за крошки, он кормил тебя, ты снова чувствуешь себя лучше на день или два и дождитесь его звонка / сообщения / визита. Вы сомневаетесь в своем уме, но вы можете почувствовать, как он застоится от вашего возвращения, ему это нужно. Так вы думаете и # 8211; Он должен любить меня. А также Иногда я думаю, возможно, это его / ее единственный возможный, больной способ любить & # 8211; Но тогда, как тяжело быть предметом такой любви. Иногда вы можете почувствовать этот глубокий шрам Где-то внутри них, общий страх потерять контроль, боль одиночества .. и сюрприз и зависть, когда он видит вас просто свободно любящий, безусловная любовь тебя Дайте, и способность просто быть веселым, счастливым и расслабленным. Это как то, что он вряд ли может коснуться, вряд ли представлял. Поэтому он хочет привязать его, как бабочка, я думаю. Чувство (По крайней мере, для меня) быть настолько желанным, очень токсичен, очень привлекательный в начале. Эти люди могут хотеть и погоняйте вас никому, потому что вы не просто потенциал партнер для них & # 8211; Вы - божественная добыча, надежда снова быть счастливой на мгновение, надеясь как-то чувствовать себя человеком. Момент, когда он сосредотачивает внимание на вас, это Действительно начинает менять вас, потому что через его глаза вы видите себя таким особенным, так важно, так красиво, как никто другой, и интенсивность подавляет. Это буквально вроде Нет другого - потому что он нуждается в тебе. Затем он вас дает, открывает вас, начинает знать вас, медленно начинает чувствовать ваши слабости и сильные стороны, с удовольствием принимает от вас любовь, Как инопланетянин, пытаясь рассекать еще один неизвестный ему, прилежно играя в игру «любовь», как он видел людей. Затем в какой-то момент вы начинаете чувствовать себя холодно, как Проект, приходящий из открытой двери. Это как и # 8211; Подождите, вы были просто там, мы занимались любовью, вы были как вулкан привязанности и обещаний, но теперь вы ушли .. Вы идете в следующую комнату, следующую галактику, что случилось, где я? Вначале невозможно поверить, что он действительно просто пирует, и энергия, которую вы даете умышленно, не достаточно больше. В естественном ходе любви это момент, когда начинается настоящая, глубокая близость и склеивание, когда вас интересуют все больше и больше друг в друге, вы хотите Чтобы совершить и увидеть более глубокие, более интимные проблемы, вы хотите наслаждаться повседневными вещами, вы начинаете чувствовать этого человека не из-за похоти больше, но потому что вы росли рядом вместе, как люди. Вот это просто не происходит. Если вы хотите связать & # 8211; Есть занятость, тишина или оба, либо уменьшаются обратно на простой секс. Секс, как в истощении вашего энергия снова, потому что в какой-то момент вы чувствуете, что вы даете больше, чем вы должны, вы начинаете делать то, что вы не хотите, вы чувствуете, как хищное чувство на самом деле разрушает Что-то в тебе, но вы не можете остановиться! По крайней мере, у вас его внимание на некоторое время!
      . Для меня это была причина снова попасть в психологию, чтобы начать читать Таро, начать писать и т. Д. Мне просто пришлось что-то сделать на 1) не думать о нем, 2) не сходить с ума, потому что я Не понимаю, что происходит. Я благодарен за этот удивительный урок жизни, но я должен признать, что это ужасно, просто так опорожняет и одиноко, как ты влюблен С твоим злейшим врагом вы не можете сказать это никому, вы ненавидите себя за это, но все же - снова - вы отправите ему сообщение, просто чтобы получить ответ. За день. Или два или неделя.
      В первый раз он оставил меня, я думал, что потеряю свой разум, может быть, не буквально, но я был как «никогда не будет другого человека для меня», & # 8211 Звучит сумасшедший, я знаю: / но потом Например, я начал наращивать себя, например, дышать в глубине дня, когда я получаю темные мысли, медитируя в течение коротких моментов, делая некоторую йогу, не пью меньше, но позволять себе получить пьян раз в то время и плачь сердце. Также позволить себе просто плакать всякий раз, когда я хочу & # 8211; Во всяком случае, я не мог избежать этого, поэтому я просто не судил себя за слабые (я Раньше просыпался по утрам, уже плачу). Я начал писать историю, о том, что случилось, просто прочитать его позже и посмотреть, как это сумасшедший: D Я снова начал видеть друзей, Говорить больше для моих детей, хотя я не мог никому разговаривать о моих вещах (кроме одного друга, который проходит подобное), но я мог бы слушать свои проблемы с гораздо больше сочувствия и не судя и выводы. Таким образом, в некотором смысле он остановился, унизительный урок.
      Затем он снова появился снова. С тысячами извинений, просто хотел сказать, извините за то, что произошло, объясняя, насколько проблематично его поведение иногда, и как он не может помочь Идя молчит, это как защитный механизм (который я полностью верю, есть причины всего). Он хотел продолжить, я был очень осторожен, но через пару дней я Чувствовал, что я снова влюбляюсь в это. Так что цикл повторился, от любви / привязанности (не интимных, потому что я пытался быть очень медленным и не доверял ему) скользить в холод и расстояние. Тогда я стал требовать и просто яростно, я имею в виду & # 8211; Зачем возвращаться, если вы просто хотите быть безразличным снова? И он исчез. На этот раз удар был Не так сложно, но это все еще болит, как ад, воскликнул снова, и чувствовал себя как полный дурак и легкая добыча.
      Итак, я думаю / надеюсь, что все кончено, по крайней мере, он не связался со мной некоторое время, и я пытаюсь построить бетонную стену, если он делает .. Я все еще озадачен по причинам Люди делают это с другими людьми, а также почему я был таким слепым к этому .. Я думаю, что я буду читать так сильно, как я могу об этом.
      Для тех, кто проходит через траур такие странные отношения & # 8211; быть сильным! Жить в этот момент, наслаждайтесь повседневными удовольствиями и обязанностями, постарайтесь дать другим людям Люблю, что вы думали, была предназначена для него / она.
      Это действительно важно говорить об этих вещах. Так очень рад, что я нашел эту статью и мог поделиться своей историей тоже.

    • Cindy

      November 29th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

      Back to the subject. Silent Treatment. Everyone has the right to talk or not talk to another person. I feel I should be respectful, but I do not have to engage at length every single person I have met or will meet. I only need to be respectful of other people, and acknowledge they exist, but not get into every detail of their lives, esp if they have messy lives and I choose to not be a part of their problems and issues. If another person wants to ‘obsess’ over what I said and did not say….that is on them. That ….is…..their …..problem, not mine. There are people who I wanted to be friends with them….but they had enough on their plate, so friendship and activities wasn’t going to happen. They had the choice to accept my friendship or reject it. It hurts sometimes, but I get it. Full plate. And I know I have done the same. I call it the human condition. Plain and simple. My situation is….I offered friendship to my Sister-In-Law, she accepted it, then back-stabbed me, lied, tried to pit other family members against me and I found out, I withdrew my friendship, she wanted it back without apologizing to me…but I decided I could not trust her again, so I have ended the friendship….and she thinks by screaming at me, now, and calling me names will regain her the friendship. And now she twists the facts to save face with other family members….it bothers me that she spreads BS….but I know the facts are the facts and I have moved on. She blew it. She needs to live with that fact and learn from it….she needs to learn that a friendship is based on trust, giving, shared experiences, laughter, fun, ….and not, name calling, screaming, basically throwing a 3 yr old tantrum. I have friends…..she does not, and now I know why she does not have any friends. She missed several key lessons in friendship building a child learns around 3rd, 4th and 5th grade. She is wayyyyyyyyy behind in social skills. We hope her husband never leaves her.

    • Ol'd

      December 11th, 2016 at 6:53 PM

      Silence is golden… and… what is it the proverb says about silence? Something about opening your mouth and removing all doubt you are a fool? Men in particular are more prone to silence generally. And more so in arguments with wives. There are many reasons we do this and most are unrelated to socalled narc’ism.
      We dont like to argue. We are less capable verbally in general.
      We dont like strife and confrontation.
      We get belittled into this pattern and clam up.
      We are confronted with raw raging unbridled emotion which is void of communication anyway.
      We see yelling, crying, screaming, and hear the historical assesments, and the “you always…” and “you never…” irrationality.
      We know its not about calm collected communication to resolve an issue, but a chance for our “partner” simply to vent without regard or respect. This form of communication is never conzidered as abusive, and must always be forgiven, in fact is generally only wrong if a male were talking and behaving this way, like physical abuse, it is only OK for a woman to strike a man.

      We have been verbally badgered into this responsive behavior like dogs. And to add injury we are then villified and “armchair psych” labelled narc’s.
      Sigh

    • Browndog

      December 12th, 2016 at 8:41 AM

      Ol’d, speaking as an old white male, I am sorry if you are having communication from your partner that moves you to withdraw in silence rather than being able to understand one another and resolve the issue. That is painful and not likely how you would choose to live. At the same time your post does not credit the very real difference between silent treating and refusing to become part of an out-of-control verbal fight. It is easy to withdraw from an out of control argument by saying “We can talk now or we can talk later, but we won’t resolve this by berating one another. I feel myself shutting down here so as not to fight. Let’s talk about this at x o’clock tonight.” The person who closes the discussion in this way usually has the obligation to arrange to open it again so as not to simply dismiss or belittle the other person. If you are being constantly berated and emotionally abused, it is time to take steps to end that through either joint counseling or, if it fails or the partner refuses, to leave and take yourself out of their incessant tirades. Silent treating is very different. It is prolonged and designed to take away a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence. No one has any obligation to remain with a person who treats him or her in that way.
      Finally, if you are writing from within the U.S., it is simply not true that a woman has license to strike a man other than in self-defense during physical assault. If you report her, she can be removed from the house. If you are in joint counseling, any counselor who discovers physical violence and merits credibility will likely split you up into separate living spaces as a condition for providing continued counseling. The counselor may need to report it. The person who strikes another generally needs to leave the home.

    • Patrick Arthur O.

      September 8th, 2019 at 3:49 PM

      Thank you for that assessment. I also am an older white male with the added burden of having an irregular heartbeat. If I allow myself to be drawn into these emotional maelstroms I would wind up dead or crippled for life. I don’t know about others here but I am a patient man yet even I get tired of explaining why I have a right to not be abused, manipulated and threatened yet I have to constantly forgive my abuser because she is a woman and I must allow her to communicate her way and make allowances for it but I’m required to speak cognate in a feminine manner. Such emasculation stems from the wrongly held belief that women are more civil in their communication. Again this stems from another erroneous assumption that men are brutish and women are naturally nurturers it is an assumption that has filtered throughout society and is being spoon fed to our children like bad medicine. To ask one group of people to forgo their nature and adapt foreign behaviors that alien to them when those behaviors are suspect is not only wrong but extremely unfair. The injustice of this reveals a sexist bias built into current parapsychology models that fail to take in new data unless it conforms to their preconceptions.

    • Deb

      December 12th, 2016 at 7:20 PM

      I think this article is on point. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for the last year and a half. At 41 years old this is the longest relationship he’s had, never married/no kids. I’m also 41, divorced with kids. Every 3 to 4 months when we are getting emotionally closer, he will suddenly (out of nowhere) take something I said, twist it and suddenly we are over. He completely withdraws. Me, being the nurturer, desperately try to find a way to correct or fix the issue. All along my friends are telling me I’m crazy for giving him the time of day. I’m sucked in, I feel this strong desire to make things right. Then when I finally reach my breaking point as this silence is deafening at this point, I withdraw completely, a few weeks will pass and suddenly he emerges. All that time I was to blame and in the end he’ll apologize. Then we hit the reset button and start over, we’ve done this 4 times. The longest break was five months and the shortest 3 weeks.
      The last I saw him we talked about potentially moving in together over a nice dinner (we have 100 miles between us this last year). Slowly the the texts and calls came to an end the following week. We were getting along great for a good 4 months, then nothing. I am incapable of breaking the silence, and trust me I have tried but the opposite occurs, he pulls away longer. This is my second relationship that I have experienced the silent treatment, the first guy learned it from his father. Once I witnessed it occur between his parents I lost hope and left him, that’s not a life for me is what I thought. And so here I am…again. Overall he doesn’t treat me well..it’s like I have an illusion of him that makes him great in my mind all while my friends are begging me to move on. It’s difficult to put into words. I have no control of the relationship, there is no compromise. Though the moment he walks back into my life I’m elated. No matter who I’m talking to or what plans I’ve made I drop them to see him and re-connect. Sounds pathetic but it’s my utmost honesty. I’m trying now to break this cycle. I can’t be fulfilled based on whether he decides to loves me today, or not.

    • I AM INVISIBLE

      December 12th, 2016 at 9:14 PM

      SURE. Yeah, makes sense, just leave if he won’t quit ignoring me.
      It’s not that easy. I got laid off 4 months ago. My job was outsourced and I’m of a certain age. I have sent out close to 180 applications and gotten exactly TWO phone interviews. We have two mortages and I HAVE NO JOB. I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HAVE TO STAY IN THIS MISERABLE PLACE AND LET HIM CONTINUE TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT.
      I should just kill myself. Maybe he’d notice.

    • The GoodTherapy.org Team

      December 13th, 2016 at 9:36 AM

      Thank you for your comment. Please know there is help available if you are experiencing any kind of abuse, or if you are in danger of self-harming.

      If you are experiencing emotional, physical, sexual, or other kinds of abuse, whether or not you would call it domestic violence, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224). They provide free confidential support at any time, day or night.

    • Call if you think you may be experiencing emotional, sexual, physical, or other abuse.
      Call for resources about safety within an abusive relationship or while trying to leave one.
      Call for resources about safety and recovery after an abusive relationship has ended.
      Call if you are afraid you may be abusing someone and want help changing your behavior.
    • You can also reach an advocate using their private chat services 7 a.m.–2 p.m. (CST) at http://www.thehotline.org.

      Visit this page for further crisis resources: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

      We hear you, and you are not alone.
      Best wishes,
      The GoodTherapy.org Team

    • Browndog

      December 19th, 2016 at 1:11 PM

      I Am Invisible, Mistreatment gets especially hard to tolerate around the holidays. This is a time we expect to be well-treated and during which we enjoy treating others well. Living with a person who treats us badly during holidays really reminds us of the love missing in our lives. There are many of us who are wondering just how to spend December 25 so as to minimize the hurt. You are not alone, and knowing that may help. Often, there is volunteer work we can do that day to serve those to whom we can give something–even to homeless animals and pets. You can look for that at local animal shelters or maybe homeless shelters and volunteering. Seeing a counselor as recommended by the prompt response by those who maintain this site is good too. It’s not easy, but it is not unending either, so hang in there with life., and don’t harm yourself. Fact is that narcissists can’t care if you do, so don’t expect that they can or will. Try to hang with positive people at every chance you get. We need it as a reminder that the abusive world we might be living in is not typical.

    • Ernest G

      January 16th, 2017 at 6:29 PM

      I Am Invisible, Mistreatment gets especially hard to tolerate around the holidays. This is a time we expect to be well-treated and during which we enjoy treating others well. Living with a person who treats us badly during holidays really reminds us of the love missing in our lives. There are many of us who are wondering just how to spend December 25 so as to minimize the hurt.

    • Paul

      January 20th, 2017 at 5:04 AM <Р> ATCH является акростих или аббревиатурой Absent причинить вред, это определяет причину нижней строке мы & # 8217; вновь подвергается такой ужасающей дегуманизации, так же как и все остальные ее повестки дня, это и всегда в конечном счете, были просто причинить вред. Я & # 8217; м здесь, чтобы сказать кому-то, я не & # 8217; т думаю, что & # 8217; м собирается сделать его живым, и я Дон & # 8217; т действительно даже уход. Все, что я & # 8217; Ве волновал, так как выяснение ее был обходом, так как я просто не могу выдержать мысль о ней только сохраняющейся на неустанном, особенно зная, она & # 8217; S так близко к этой степени в пастырском консультировании и CADAC, которые, как мои глаза еще раз заполнить, так как у них так много раз в этом году, так как я был отброшен, и теперь я считаю, в конечном счете, потому что я доказал себя слишком искренне любящий, добрый и поддержку, не давая ей ничего боя, ни презирать, ни рассекать, ничего скрыть от и ничего на вызов. Приезжайте, чтобы узнать позже, если бы я был недобрым, жестким, даже жестоким униженно, она & # 8217; d предпочел это, только до тех пор, как я и # 8217; d был готов позволить ей фантазия меня 1. не разумея ее неупорядоченной личность будучи NPD / ASPD, и 2. Пусть ее поверить, что я считаю, что она каким-то жертвой, даже если это ее собственной патологии. Смотрите, что дерьмо, см круговой путь абсолютно все проклятая вещь должна быть в этой динамике. Итак, мои глаза наполняются снова, и мое сердце пустеет снова, только на этот раз мое сердце на самом деле опорожнение, опорожнение его & # 8217; s прочности, способность справиться, способность продолжать, и это полное делает из NPD / ASPD, и ее нарциссическое требование к делу, как много психологические, эмоциональные, физические, социальные, общественные и семейные боли, как это возможно, и в их игре, что-то вроде однажды здорового человека, получающего диагнозы застойных сердечная недостаточность, огромная победа, но я не могу смириться, даже внутри себя. Я просто действительно чувствую себя сделать, как я и # 8217; м при обрыве вечности, но и # 8217; м не готовы позволить идти, не пока только один человек не хочет, чтобы увидеть, что на самом деле глядя на них прямо в лицо, справа под носом.
      Я имею в виду она и # 8217; ы не супер блестящая, умный да, но не так много, где она могла бы организовать что-нибудь лучше, чем она сделала мой отсев, и я случайно знаю, за то, они до смешного доверчивы, я имею в виду того, что после того, как отбрасывание, я сделал то, что мне было настолько очевидно, что я думал, что я на самом деле кормление какое-то странное потребность в ней, чтобы быть в состоянии говорить со мной, как кто-то другой, я знаю & # 8220; потребность общаться и # 8221; от Narc. Ну, что показывает, как новый я должен был все это, но да, я скачал приложение текстовых сообщений, и послал ей текст наполнен болью, но информация, содержащаяся в тексте, очевидно, от кого-то другого, и я даже зашел так далеко, чтобы получить код Сан-Диего области. Почти с ходу я задавать вопросы о ее отношениях, и я & # 8217; м Сожалеем, но только дебил, или человек с эмоциональным интеллектом 4-7-летней Wouldn & # 8217; т подобрали на это, но весь путь до точки я ляпнул о хитрости, она никогда не догадывалась, лолы, они и # 8217; ре присоски, если один EVER попытки сделать жизнь в них, как они делают для всех иначе, они Wouldn & # 8217; т иметь ключ. Она даже сказала, так недоверчиво, & # 8220; Это был ты ?, Как вы могли бы сделать это для меня, что & # 8217;. S так ужасно и # 8221; бла-бла-бла, я хотел чтобы сказать, что мы можем говорить о моих несовершеннолетний, как только мы говорим о чем-либо, что Безразлично & # 8217; т рисовать вас как долбанная принцессу Диану связанную неразрывно с матерью Терезой, но нет, Вы никогда не были готовы даже позволить мне основной замыкание человека, потому что у г слишком эгоистичны, чтобы когда-либо позволить такую ​​вещь. Я знаю, что & # 8217; м говоря от первого лица, и это потому что она & # 8217; будете читать это неизбежно, так как ее летающие обезьяны там (где-нибудь я хожу) все время, лол. что бы ни

    • Browndog

      January 20th, 2017 at 1:10 PM

      Paul,
      Think back to who you were, who your friends were, and how you felt before you were seduced and bitten by a snake. Taking in the poisons made you forget who you were. The you before her is the real you. Don’t harm the real you while still crazed from living this nightmare. Getting her to value you or to wake up to what she is doing to you won’t take you back home to yourself. She probably doesn’t have the capacity to do either. You proved by your post that you now are awake and seeing/feeling the harm. Your next task seems to be waking up to the task of again valuing the person who you are, and getting yourself back.

      Narcissists have a great ability to cause us to forget who we are through becoming obsessed with thinking about them. You CAN wake up from this nightmare.

    • Cooper

      January 20th, 2017 at 12:46 PM

      My “friend” has don’t that to me 3 times and it has gotten worse, I will deal with it the way you said, thank you.

    • Bea1

      January 20th, 2017 at 10:51 PM

      I have been subject to the silent treatment from my mum since I was a toddler (go figure who huffs with a child). She has low self esteem and probably a poor childhood and I was child born to be a friend. I’m her only friend. She’s not good with people- shy socially awkward. I love her very much but she’s given me such issues I have been trapped at home and I’m now in my 40s ( arent i sad) I’m miserable at home but I have such attachment issues im scared to leave in case im lonely or alone and somehow being controlled her means someone cares in some way. In many ways im successful and mature ..plenty of friends im extrovert good job but this is my Achilles heel. She used to and would still but not as much huff for weeks with me til I was broken almost suicidal. I suffer from depression because of it Altjough I keep that hidden from others. I feel like my life is passing me by . I had hope a prince cjing would arrive to save me from it all but he never did and I got let down by men … In the end my mum is the oy constant in my life . I really don’t know what to do … If I leave home now my parents would struggle financially and they are at that age where they are gonna need help soon … I dread that … As I will be even more trapped . So wish I could just grown a set of balls to just move away with no regrets .

    • Jennifer

      January 22nd, 2017 at 9:08 AM

      Bea1 Your situation reminds me of the boxer Mike Tyson’s wife. She came to the marriage with her Mom. “We are a package deal,” she said. It sounds like you may feel guilt because your Mom needs you and who abandons their parent? I have come to learn in my 42 years that it’s not what happens, it’s how you perceive it. How you deal with it, look at it. Try looking at it as a good thing, a positive situation nd you are bound to because YOU like having family around. When it is a good experience it’s easier, in my opinion, to be yourself and feel okay with allowing your Mom to find her own way, while living in the same home together. I hope you have some privacy where you live so you can have separate things you do. Maybe thinking of your Mom as a roommate can free up energy to focus onto yourself and what you need to do for you. Your Mom can handle herself, or will have to learn how to, if you’re not always there to rescue her. And you are not abandoning each other.

      I would love to have my Mom with me! Since I have recently become a spinster (too) Lol . What do you think?

    • Browndog

      January 21st, 2017 at 1:09 PM

      Bea1,
      Only a good counselor can help you find the answers to what is causing you to put off taking control of your own life. Your post already expresses your own recognized needs to do this. Counselors do not tell you what you should do, but they help you reach your own sound decisions. Parents usually expect their children to grow up, move out, and establish lives of their own. That is not “abandoning” a parent; it’s just growing up. Realize that your mother did this too. You might want to do some searches and reading under the terms “emotional incest.” That includes a situation in which a parent relies on a child to play the role of best friend or an other emotional support role that children are simply not equipped to do. The end result is at minimum unsatisfying, because children are not equipped to function to fill significant needs that must be filled by adults. Emotional incest has some characteristics that you described. Once you read and learn about it, do not presume this is your situation or try to self-diagnose yourself. Use a licensed counselor to determine if this explains the situation that you lived through as a child. The counselor can help you to take next steps to get past this.

    • Bea1

      January 22nd, 2017 at 2:47 AM

      Brown dog thank you for your response. I did go to see a counsellor as I was on verge of nervous breakdown but he didn’t seem to understand what the problem was and ended up telling me to stay where I was. Turns he lived with his parents for years and had been happy. It was all very strange. Emotional incest sounds about right. I just guess I’m at a point in life now where it’s almost too late for me to get the life ive always wanted.

    • Anthony

      January 29th, 2017 at 12:09 AM

      Wow oh wow! After reading this I was laughing at how incredible this article describes my wife’s behaviour down to a tee!!! The master manipulator, everything is about her, says and does what ever she likes with impunity, almost total lack of empathy and takes minimal responsibility for her actions. I’ve had some serious mental health issues from time served with the Army in Iraq & Afghanistan and you know what, during PTSD treatment I’ve almost always blamed myself, given ground and tried to compromise with my wife. You know what? She’s almost always made it about her and would only help if there was something in it for her or be ‘seen’ to be helping me out. Pfffttt….
      Ironically this is what I’ve been trying to say to the marriage counselor!!! Will print this out, hand it over and ask the counselor to figure out who is who in this article.
      Appreciate the insight and an ‘awakening’ as such.

    • Miranda

      February 23rd, 2017 at 4:23 AM

      Hi,
      I think I was raised by narcissistic parents. My adult relationships with men have again been with narcissists to some degree. I ‘fit’ into a role of caring about their needs and neglecting my own. Initially they are atracted o my looks, intellect, and so on, and then they compete and dismiss me as being ‘unworthy’ in some way. This was definitely the case with my last relationship of two months last winter. It was very upsetting a I have just had a difficult few years with the death of a close family member and then serious illness. My questions are; “Why do I not see the signs?”, and in my recent experience, is it possible that this man had ‘asperger’s’? That he had initially ‘mirrored’ what a kind personn does t make friends with someone etc., and then given up when it became too much/didn’t suit his needs? I ask because this person’s behaviour was so odd, one moment planning a nice future together and seeming really easy-going, he couldn’t do enough to make me feel comfortable, then I asked for more communication when we were apart, as he hates ‘trivial’ texts, phone calls, and e-mails, and ‘wham’. I was pushed out of the door… accused of countless misdemeanors including upsetting his routines…

    • Browndog

      February 23rd, 2017 at 9:22 AM

      Hi Miranda, wishing you or yours full recovery from the serious illness you mentioned. In the literature I read on narcissistic abuse, I’ve read that certain among us attract narcissists so we repeatedly fall victim to them. Unfortunately, the narcissists do not reveal their true personas until the victims commit to them. If there is a group of us who attract narcissists repeatedly, or maybe we unknowingly attract people who are simply too selfish to make for a committed relationship if not disordered it makes me wonder whether we who find ourselves victimized repeatedly are deficient in our perceptions or maybe “disordered” ourselves. There is surely a lot that indicates the knowledge accumulated by psychologists is still incomplete. Look up “Christine Louis de Canonville” on the web and read some of her work that compiles the current state of knowledge in form readable by us laypersons, if you are interested.

    • Verda F

      April 7th, 2017 at 6:53 PM

      I really enjoy reading on this website , it holds wonderful posts . “Dream no small dreams. They have no power to stir the souls of men.” by Victor Hugo.

    • Carol H

      May 12th, 2017 at 3:52 PM <Р> я должен дать немного фона. Я был членом группы людей (3 - 15 в любой день-кто останавливается на) на протяжении более 12 лет, которые встречаются в местном кафе каждое утро. В августе прошлого года, мой босс умер, и он был мозгом компании (только 3 из нас). Это было грустно, что он умер, но хуже, чем это было то, что должно было случиться в Компания и меня (я 70). Я так боялся, что я собирался сделать работу, как я не имел ни малейшего представления о том, что будущее компании будет. Я был опустошен и очень расстроенным не говоря уже я потерял свою мать 7 недель раньше. Я сказал несколько моих друзей кофе, что случилось, и спросил, что они берегите его к себе, они сделали. Я не человек, что говорит о моей личной жизни в групповой среде. Там было так много, чтобы поглотить / разобраться, и я не был сам в течение 3-х месяцев. Позже я доверилась Marty (самовлюбленный) и спросил, что он держать его в себе. Примерно через 2 недели, он и еще один хороший друг его и моя, так что я подумал, ляпнуть перед всеми «Когда вы собираетесь получить работу Кэрол?" Я дружил с ним на протяжении более 12 лет. Я был в шоке, и так больно, но ничего не сказал и хихикал. Позже вскричал один. Они сделали это еще несколько раз, и я сказал: Я не нужна работа, и больше ничего. Я игнорировал их. Марти никогда не спросил меня, как я делаю только когда вы собираетесь получить работу. В последний раз Марти сказал, что в передней части группа снова, и я сказал, пожалуйста, не говорите об этом перед группой, и он продолжал ляпнуть это. Я потерял прохладный / контроль и сказал ему, что он не знает дерьмо о моем Компания. Все эти годы я думал, что я знал, что этот человек только разочароваться в нем, как человек. Я думал, что ему можно доверять, но я узнал, что я знаю о самовлюбленности немного слишком поздно. <Р> В первом, когда я хотел бы попробовать и поговорить с ним, он бы очень грубые замечания, так что я перестал говорить что-либо, потому что подвергнет меня грубый комментарий. Я попытался подойти к нему извиниться за слова, что я сделал, и дать ему понять, почему я взорвался, но он не будет говорить со мной и дал мне молчание, которое продолжается на протяжении около 7 месяцев. У меня такое ощущение было / так больно от этого. Мы сидим за одним столом каждое утро. Он говорит привет всем, и имеет обсуждения со всеми, кроме меня. Переходим друг друга без слов. Так грустно. Если можно так сказать, я знаю, кто я, и я доволен этим человеком. Я любил всех в группе кофе.
      Я знал, что Марти был самовлюбленным из-за его потребность быть в центре внимания, шутя делает едкие замечания людям, которые смеются его, но это было все, что я знал. Он является успешным, богатый человек и очень эгоцентричны. С этим опытом немого лечения, я исследовал нарциссизм, чтобы узнать, что он имеет так много, не все, черт. Они не любят конфронтации, так что мне не помогает вообще, у них нет сопереживания, что объясняет, почему он никогда не спрашивал, как я делаю, таким образом, безразличной. Он ложно судить меня и компании.
      Я могу избежать моих обид, не будет кофе, но потом я даю что-то нравится делать, и быть с людьми, нравится. У него есть партии на своем ранчо каждый год и приглашает все в группе, но я уверен, что не получит приглашение, но, если бы я сделал, я, вероятно, не должны присутствовать.
      Я не знаю, как справиться с этим за то, что я делаю.
      Кстати, есть группа людей, которые будут принимать компанию вперед и, надеюсь, я мог бы уйти в отставку около года.

    • Cindy

      May 13th, 2017 at 4:01 PM

      I have done what your ‘friend’ Marty did, when a friend needed a verbal slap across the face to snap them out of the dark hole they were digging. I did not do it in a group setting. I my friend so mad they did a turn about just to prove me wrong….to ‘show me!’….and it worked. They moved on. They made their life better. They improved. Maybe your group consoling, was not really working for you or your group. And it sounds like you told several people, so once they start talking about it, the whole group knew about your job problem. So the cat was out of the bag. A good friend sometimes has to do this for their friend, or lead a friend to therapy, or a doctor, or get them out of the house and drive so wildly they only think about surviving….and they get out of their problems and get into the moment. There are many ways to snap a person out of a funk. I don’t know if that was his goal….or he was just a jerk. You tell me. Did you get so mad that you moved on from your problems, or did it make you worse. Did you solve your problems? And for the future a word to live by….if you don’t want people to talk about your problem, don’t tell ANYONE. People talk, and gossip, and sometimes because your problem unsettles them so much, THEY have to talk about it to someone. You may have made them upset for you, then you told them…’don’t tell anyone’. That is called dumping. AND men like to solve the problem, not keep talking about it. Women will talk and talk and talk about the same problem, men tend to take action. Marty wanted you to take action. If you just want a ear to lean on, go to a woman….if you want to solve the problem go to a guy. Guys are more concrete.

    • Dakota

      June 9th, 2017 at 1:16 PM

      Я был с замужней женщиной в течение 2 с половиной лет в ЛДР. Сначала она была такой милой. Недостаточно в своем браке, мы заставили планы в конечном итоге двигаться вместе. Она приняла душ Я с подарками, хотел мое внимание 24-7. Секс телефона был каждый день, 3-4 раза в день. Я не был готов к обязательству в то время, когда я впервые встретил ее. Она настойчила на нас отношение. Месяцы умоляющиеся, чтобы сделать нас эксклюзивными. Я знал, что падал тяжело, но я продолжал сдерживать. Однажды у нас был ужасный бой. Я был честен с самого начала, Говорил ей, что я не был готов, а на этапе знакомств. Она оказалась сбросив меня за глупый BS. Я признаю, что я был глуп, чтобы спать с кем-то другим после того, как мы разбили. я Сказал несколько белых лжи тоже. Мы все лежали в интернете. Короче. Я рисковал и совершил. Она держала эти обиды на меня в течение 2 лет. использовал сброс в качестве наказания. Не независимо от того, что я был в середине. Я назвал каждое имя в книге, сказала, что такое кусок дерьма, нарце, все. Я слушал ее по телефону на телефон Пока я не был рыболовным беспорядком. Тексты были хуже. Каждое предложение было ж и подцветать это. Каждое слово проклятия вы можете себе представить. Как я никогда не провожу с ней достаточно времени, даже ты На плотине компьютер на 3 часа разговаривает с ней. Всегда о гибели и мраке, ее жизнь отстой, она мертва внутри, она хочет умереть, все оскорбительно. Были хорошие времена тоже. Но бои были как ад. СМЕРТЬ. Я никогда в моей жизни не испытывал ничего подобного. Она изгнала меня от всех моих друзей, называя их и # 8220; Культ & # 8221;. Они были На самом деле группа взрослых игроков, и мы сидели на скайпу и играли в Mporpg игры онлайн вместе, когда разговаривать мусор. Просто геймер Однажды я был один и беззади, она бы Вручите, если я не ответил на ее текст сразу, вроде бы, чтобы мои дедушки были посещать или что-то в этом роде. На самом деле я должен был отправить свои фотографии, чтобы доказать свою невиновность. Два года устных и Эмоциональное насилие !!! Заставляя меня чувствовать, что я сошел с ума или был сумасшедший. Обвиняя меня за все, всегда говорите мне, что не так во мне. Я милый находчивый человек, арт-фарсия Тип кто любит музыку (да я диджей) Любитель животных, любит искусство, кафе & # 8217; S, рыбалка, пляж, игровая и лодки. Она ненавидела все, что я любил. Я самый сладкий парень, любит Портить женщин. Я имею в виду испортил гнилое. Бюдлс, цветы, поддержка, все, что она желает. Тогда около 5 месяцев назад она переехала. Это было очень тяжело на нее. Я сделал все возможное, чтобы попытаться быть там Для нее, но медленно она вытекала в какое-то темное место. Текст стал меньше, внимание было почти не существует. Однажды я спросил ее & # 8220; я думал, что это то, что вы хотели, нам быть эксклюзивными, что пошло не так? & # 8221; Ее ответ был & # 8220; ой, когда я наконец-то получил тебя, я как WTF, я делаю с этим & # 8221; Мое сердце замерло. Я продолжал просить ее быть хорошими мне. Она назвала это ныть, и я всегда готовлю ее asscrack. Я начинал сомневаться в своем здравоохранении. Все, что я получил, было одно слово тексты, и она не хотела ничего делать со мной вряд ли больше. (Мы оба играем одну и ту же онлайн-игру), затем на прошлой неделе она получила грипп. Ее дети тоже поняли. Я сказал ей, как я хотел бы, чтобы я был там, чтобы сделать ее все, что она хочет, Чистите ее рвоту, что угодно, поэтому она чувствует себя лучше. Она не написала мне через 24 часа, я начал беспокоиться, я спросил ее по мессенджере, где она была, и если бы она была в порядке. Она сказала мне, что она Написал мне. Я никогда не получил текст, пока я не изменил наклад на мой телефон и барабан, там она была. Она обвинила меня в том, чтобы быть до того, чтобы что-то подлый. Она сказала мне, что я была королевой драмы, а также Воспитание проклятия, названия, призыв, принижая, обвиняющее, обвинение, воспитание прошлого и других ненавистных текстов. Сегодня день 4 этого молчаливого лечения. Это законно убивает меня. Я не ел на дни. Я продолжаю заболеть. Я чувствую, что умираю. Я все время плачу. Я едва могу вводить это, потому что я так больно. Пожалуйста, я так плохо, Бог поможет мне это Боль хуже, чем сама смерть, когда я лежал здесь на этом этаже, просто желаю, чтобы она увидела мою боль и физическую болезнь. У меня есть состояние сердца, и он медленно ухудшился. я напуган, депрессии и очень больно. Я знаю, что мужчины должны быть сильными, но прямо сейчас, я просто хочу провести :( Я не знаю, если это NARC поведение или что, пожалуйста, все скажи мне, что я могу сделать:(

    • Taylor

      June 10th, 2017 at 9:28 AM

      Дакота, ты в основном разумеешься. Вы знаете, что вам нужно сделать. То, что вы заслуживаете. Очевидно, что вы чувствуете, что не получаете его из этих отношений. Очевидно Вы интеллектуальный четкий человек. Я не являюсь профессионалом психического здоровья, однако после прочтения вашего поста кажется, что вы оба испытали амбивалентность во время этого отношение. Вы в начале и сейчас ее. IT & # 8217 цикл страданий. Когда вы можете сделать обязательство вам, отличные вещи просто найдут вас. Если вы закончите Отношения, это не легко & # 8230; ваше сердце будет чувствовать, что он был разорван и положить в толку. (Выступая из моего опыта) обязываться о том, чтобы получить себя лучше. До места, где вы цените себя и не знаю, вы заслуживаете в мире каждый день. Вы не можете любить другого человека, становясь лучшим человеком или в Ценить тебя. Это ее путешествие, чтобы ходить, однако она выбирает. Исследование на основе внимательности терапии МБКТ или акт. По моему опыту это помогло мне сосредоточиться на присутствии. Не застрял в прошлая боль и борьба, которую я позволил этому и # 8220; другие & # 8221; человек, чтобы принести мне. Это работает, повседневная работа. Я должен тренировать себя, чтобы определить беспокойство, когда я Почувствуйте те же оле чувства, ползущиеся. Становится лучше. У тебя снова есть счастье. Счастье без этого человека, с которым вы создали эту жизнь мечты? Да ~ Требуется время Но это происходит! Не говоря, что вы не пропустите их части, чувствуете, что вы не можете дышать без них иногда и, возможно, даже рецидив ~ но вы можете научиться превращать те & # 8220; чувства & # 8221; Off и сосредоточиться на обязательстве, которую вы сделали себе, чтобы быть и # 8230; ПРОСТО БУДЬ! Выясните, что вам нужно сделать, чтобы сделать вас счастливым, то сделайте это. Передать Принимая шаги, чтобы это произошло. Читайте то, что вы написали в вашем посте & # 8230; сейчас, что бы вы сказали, что парень?
      Тогда вы знаете, что вы должны сделать.

    • George N.

      July 19th, 2017 at 12:12 PM

      Does not anyone realize that the abuser / narcissist behavior is boring? The abuse / narcissist behavior soon becomes old and uninteresting and it’s time to move on to spend time with a fun person?

    • Rose

      August 10th, 2017 at 9:49 AM

      I never knew such thing exsisted until my boyfriend showed a few days of silents for a minor situation we had came across. And well, Me reading everyones stories is just like them living my life.. UGGHH and on top of all the Silent treatment he is a Premissive Parent,I have read alot of these subjects,Can this really be something that can be changed if the person wants that change…I truly love him we dated for (3 months 14 years ago) lost connects reunited back after 14 years and now we live together.He is truly a loving person and he does believe that people can change. But i do believe we do as we preach ,not preach and still harm the people that i love.. I dont want to just throw in the towel just yet. also one of his big thing is avoiding arguing. Which i can understand who likes that. but we need to sort out our problems. we dont really have much to argue about we get along great.But the silence starts the moment he doesnt like what i have said.. i believe he truly wants to change, But it has just started happen in our relationship,But as we know this is a behavior so he has had this probably all his life, I know me and i know i can stay for a while and see if there is change, He does know, and he is reading articles about what silent treatment is etc.and also Premissive Parenting etc. And advice would be greatly appreciated.
      Thanks
      Rose

    • WS

      August 28th, 2017 at 1:46 PM

      I also think this, perfectly written post! .

    • jeffrin

      October 30th, 2017 at 5:01 AM

      Usually, the silent treatment is given when we are hurt and we think that words at that point of time will not be able to heal you. Good relationships are a blessing, but even good relationships suffer from several fights where either of you can get hurt. During those fights, one often says things that may hurt the sentiments of the other unintentionally. And any other word cannot heal the person, and the person does not feel like saying anything anymore, and then they resort to silent treatment. They will not talk to you or pick up your call or see you at all.

    • jeffrin

      October 30th, 2017 at 5:02 AM

      Usually, the silent treatment is given when we are hurt and we think that words at that point of time will not be able to heal you. Good relationships are a blessing, but even good relationships suffer from several fights where either of you can get hurt. During those fights, one often says things that may hurt the sentiments of the other unintentionally. And any other word cannot heal the person, and the person does not feel like saying anything anymore, and then they resort to silent treatment. They will not talk to you or pick up your call or see you at all.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 30th, 2017 at 10:35 AM

      @Jeffrin – thanks for your comment. Yes, I agree, some people who are feeling rejected or criticized will shut down and stonewall a disagreement. However, it becomes the silent treatment when the individual who is criticized or had a boundary imposed upon or had their B S called out on them ends up shutting down communication to regain a sense of control. A person with narcissistic issues does not respond well to boundaries, constructive feedback or the need to compromise. Often times, the silent treatment is imposed because the person w narcissism feels too exposed or vulnerable or ashamed about their action that is called in question. Mature adults in healthy relationships disagree. But they disagree with the capacity to heal, compromise , resolve conflict and allow mutual vulnerability to manifest. People w extreme narcissism shut down their vulnerability because of their fear of abandoned/shamed/exposed. The silent treatment is abuse. It ends communication and sometimes a relationship because that person usurped control of communication, in a very cruel and immature manner. One could picture a 5 year old holding their breath and refusing to respond to their parent’s limit. Extreme narcissists are stuck in that developmental stage.

    • Cindy

      October 30th, 2017 at 5:35 PM

      Sometimes the “Silent Treatment” is just a walk away. Done with the person… and ‘talking it out’ won’t change the fact…..you don’t like them anymore, or want to deal with them ever again. Simple. The ‘crazy’ becomes a weight around your neck, dragging you down into BS, instead of goodness, kindness, happiness, and calmness. And now….the apology comes….with the…”I was drunk when I said/did…..” “And I mixed pills with booze….and it unleashed…..’the crazy’ on YOU” In other words, it wasn’t me, but the booze and pills. I have the right to not interact with another person and after a persons BAD behavior, do I have to explain to them….they behaved badly so I don’t want them in my life? Am I their mother, teacher? By my age of 62 a friend/ relative should have learned these lessons and grown. I do not have many more years of life, and I am not going to waste what little time I have left dealing with a horrible person. I tried for many years (32 yrs). Done. So what looks like the silent treatment is actually a final statement and disappearing act. She has a lot of soul searching, by herself.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 30th, 2017 at 8:16 PM

      @Cindy – wow, lots of posters today in this particular article – must really resonate with many. I think what you are feeding to is “No Contact” in response to what you describe as an abusive situation- it protects you from abuse by another person. Silent Treatment is an abusing tactic imposed upon someone by an abusive person (in this article, I refer specifically to a person w narcissism) – to halt any further progression of conflict resolution for the very reason that the narcissist feels a loss of control and a sense of vulnerability- so they attempt to regain control by ceasing communication so that they are no longer exposed to the possibility of rejection or criticism. The person w narcissism is extremely think skinned and has difficulty with compromise and accountability , due in large part to a very fearful and insecure inner core which is afraid of vulnerability. A person with narcissism may want closeness and intimacy but at the same time fear it, and push it away— thereby potentially sabotaging one of the best things that could have happened for them – namely a mature, connected relationship with an emotionally mature person. Sad that that person with narcissism resorts to such strategies – they miss out on so much.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 30th, 2017 at 8:19 PM

      (Autocorrect typos) : referring to (not “feeding”); thin- skinned (not “thick skinned)

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 30th, 2017 at 8:38 PM

      You may also like an article I just wrote called “You Don’t Have to Be A Jackass Whisperer: Studies in Narcissistic Behavior” for Psych Central. If a person has to explain what empathy, compromise, and accountability are to a person – then we are dealing with, at best, a very emotionally stunted individual. No Contact if the person is abusive. Silent Treatment is one of the types of abuse tactics a person with narcissism employs. They don’t do empathy, compromise or accountability with great ease.

    • Cindy

      October 31st, 2017 at 10:50 AM

      Thanks for the clarification. My abuser thinks I am giving her the silent treatment. She apologized to my husband her brother but not me. She was spoiled and allowed to get her way in their family due to a medical condition. I found myself having the same response…poor Becky. Her family had the cronic I’ll child syndrome. She didn’t have sisters to help keep her behavior in check…she could do no wrong. If she hears no to anything she goes nuts. That’s what I have been dealing with for 32 years. I recently offered to get her in a friendship and fundraising group for our children’s hospital. Nope she applied to be a foster parent..got a kid then left the 6 yr old at the hospital… returned like a sweater complain in it wasn’t what she signed up for. I don’t want her in my life as a friend and barely as a in law.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 31st, 2017 at 7:00 AM

      @WS – thank you @Cindy – what you are describing is going No Contact w an abusive person. This article address the Silent Treatment as an abuse tactic by a person w narcissism to stonewall communication because that individual is just not able to engage in conflict resolution and compromise by virtue of their diagnostic challenge. Not having object constancy is one key issue, which could be the subject of another article. The key difference between No Contact and Silent Treatment is that NC is for the person being abuse to protect themselves and ST is an abuse tactic employed by a psychological abuser.

    • Cindy

      January 4th, 2018 at 4:23 AM

      Thanks for the support of No Contact. It took me 32 years to come to that conclusion…slow learner. My abuser wrote (emailed) to the rest of the family that I would not ‘talk’ to her so she increased her verbal abuse in emails, explaining “She did nothing to get the ‘silent treatment’ from me. This is why the article title caught my attention. My husband cares about his sister, but wants to do it from afar with very little contact. He put me in the middle for many years, until I caught on. Now that he has to interact with her more….he and his decisions, can’t hide behind me anymore. Works for me. All of this made him angry at me for awhile, since he had to deal with her once I went ‘no contact’. He keeps telling me he still wants to see his sister occasionally. I say…go,,. Interact with her, you have a phone and a car and the means…..go……but don’t ask me to participate, because I want “No Contact”.

    • Andrea Schneider

      October 31st, 2017 at 3:28 PM

      I realize I have not been able to respond to all comments on this blog post– I am so glad this article has resonated with so many readers and continues to help people. I will check posts from time to time, and if a need to contact me directly, please email me through my goodtherapy.org profile.@Cindy – yes, No Contact is the way to go if you don’t share children or a business, as relates to protecting yourself against psychological abuse. Good luck with your situation.

    • Cindy S

      October 14th, 2018 at 5:04 AM

      Andrea,
      No Contact has worked for me. My husband still refuses to call his sister, his choice. Life is calmer for me. But, his sister still continues to fill my other sister in law with negative stuff from her head even though I have not conversed with her in many years. I avoid talking about the ‘no contact sister in law’ to my other sister in law. We will have to see her at Thanksgiving. I always hope she will go to her husbands side of the family where she gets ticked off at them for some slights. (She fought with her sister in laws on that side for many years…but settled it after 10 years) It is always a bit tense due to anything said can set her off. We could tell a story about our lives, and she gets mad or walks off in a huff. She is a very angry and jealous person, and the med’s she takes makes her crazier. My own sister takes the same med’s and I have seen similar behavioral changes in her. Ugh…holidays! Thanks again for explaining the difference between No Contact (acceptable choice on the abused) and The Silent Treatment as an abuse tool.

    • Cindy

      December 13th, 2018 at 9:59 AM

      Got Lucky this year. The abuser went to her husbands side of the family for Thanksgiving announcing they would be there ALL DAY. My husband had asked her to bring Greenbean Casserole (I make him talk to her…his sister….his problem)….I guess she got mad over the request. Maybe she did not have to contribute to the dinner on the other side? Life is good! Thanks again for the no contact advice.

    • Browndog

      November 6th, 2017 at 9:11 PM

      Andrea Schneider, thank you so much for this article and for the monitoring you do and for the contributions of other therapists like Michelle Mallon. Understanding what was happening to me was a godsend when I was being silent treated for nearly two years by a narcissist. I chose what turned out to be an excellent psychologist from goodtherapy who verified to me what was happening. I finally severed the toxic treatment through divorce, went no contact after I had no further obligations to the person or relationship, and I have a happy, healthy life. I refer people to this site when I see so need, so I’ve probably contributed to your overwork, but ultimately the traffic here is because you wrote a dynamite article. Thanks for doing what you do.

    • Cindy

      April 16th, 2018 at 4:32 AM

      Ditto!

    • Andrea Schneider

      November 7th, 2017 at 8:37 AM

      @Browndog – glad to hear that you have entered a thriving chapter – best to you in your healing journey and I am glad the article has been helpful for many. Andrea

    • Browndog

      May 17th, 2020 at 9:27 AM

      Your article here remains a kick-ass resource in 2020 for presenting silent treatment clearly without painting any pretty face on it. I’ve continued to send lots of people here. I suspect that with people now isolated in their homes under the pandemic, the effects on those caught with a silent treater are akin to what international organizations condemn as torture when they address solitary confinement. Hope these people connect online with you. Stay well.

    • ANONYMOUS

      April 14th, 2018 at 7:38 AM

      Cutting off family members or giving the silent treatment is emotional abuse – An immature act of revenge, Power and control. There is no excuse for it unless you are in danger or if there is a mental health issue where the person does not know what they are doing. When have two wrongs every made a right?
      Half of my family have been given the silent treatment for 6 years without explanation. This is the most painful and frustrating thing I have ever experienced in life. It has affected everyone in our family and everything we do that is family related. Like wind chimes when any are not working if affects the rest and does not function. It is selfish to not resolve issues for the sake of the others.
      The person giving the silent treatment doesn’t understand that – they don’t know how it feels. Talk to a therapist with experience and they will tell you.
      Relationships take work. Cutting people off or giving the silent treatment for an extended time in my opinion is a cop out.
      There is a difference between cutting people off and keeping your distance. You can still be kind. Every human is born with a mission of learning and makes mistakes and should be entitled to forgiveness. Setting boundaries is healthier and is necessary in life. Love and forgiveness for self and others is what life is all about – you will find out in the end (talk to people who have interviewed the dying).

    • Cindy

      April 16th, 2018 at 5:23 AM

      But…..when THEY know what they are doing, but go ahead and continue the abuse at every opportunity? This is when I decided to go ‘no contact’ as Andrea had explained, it is NOT abuse, but self preservation. Do I forgive her….I feel sorry for her, but not enough to want to interact with her ever again, esp after everything I have done for her through the years and taking 32 years of abuse from her and her mother. She adds nothing to my life, or my children’s lives or my husbands’ life. She is NOT a positive factor in our lives. She is a mess of a person and trying to befriend her did not work. So polite distance is the last option….and that might disappear if she doesn’t gain some perspective about her behavior to friends and family (she attacked both of her brothers/ sister in law/ and me and lumped her own husband in the mess) . I did have a revelation at one point, she is a women who has ‘friend-a-mee’s. I have friends, good friends from all the times in my life. I don’t want to be a ‘friend-a-mee’ to anyone. I like having friends who have my ‘back’ and I have theirs, or is willing to tell me when I am wrong and vice versa….not backstabbing and name call or undermine me at any turn because THEY are jealous and childish. I tried. I am done. And, I see why she does not have any good friends.

    • Michelle

      April 14th, 2018 at 3:24 PM

      Last night my husband got upset at me because I did not deliver water to my child in a timely manner. All is plastic cups were in the dishwasher and I was wondering what adult cup he would be able to use. He is five. I do not like him drinking from a tall glass. I told him to “hold his horses” and because of my tone he called me a “f##king b#tch” in front of my son. He often calls me cow, fb, or the devil in front of my child during fights but this was strange because it came out of no where. I asked him please not to call me those names at all and specifically in front of my son. I went to bed. Next day silent treatment. I asked him what is wrong he told me I was a cow the night before. I explained to him that I was going as fast as I can to deliver water and not sure why he would not give me a minute to find the right adult cup. I told him those words should not be said in front of our son and please do not call me those names. He apologized for cursing but said I deserved it. I said nicely (I made sure it was a nice delivery) that nothing I did or failed to do warrant a response. He said that I deserved it and I should apologize. I stressed I have nothing to apologize for but I forgive him for his word usage. Well 8 hours later still silent treatmet. For the FIRST time in my 9 year marriage I think I created a healthy boundary and I did it effectively with little to no emotion. I did not realize until I read this that this silent treatment was the aftermention of that such drawing in the sand. But to be honest he has done silent treatments in the past even when I apologized for things to just move past the issue. My question is usually cursing at me with those words usually comes during a “bad” fight. It has happened but often I calm things down before they go that far. What made him snap like that to go from not even a tiff to quickly going for the bad words. He is a “minister” so he does not curse often really only at me once in a while. But he seems to esculate things much more quickly now and it catches me off guard. Any suggestions at wo why?

    • Browndog

      June 27th, 2018 at 11:51 PM

      Sorry that this is happening to you. Sounds like you are doing the proverbial “walking on eggshells.” That’s not a way to live. Neither is being called names or being silent-treated. Any chance you can get some support from a licensed counselor or therapist? It sounds as if life isn’t peaceful for either one of you. Another nine years is going to pass no matter what. So, what might be tried or changed so that they don’t pass like the last nine? A counselor might help find answers to that.

    • Asperger from aussie

      October 12th, 2018 at 3:28 PM

      This is not about a couple, but more about two asperger syndrome friends that met on a music forum and live around 1500 km apart in two separate cities. We both had an interest on working on the same music project; finding rare records and archiving, and researching old charts. We had a great friendship for around four years sharing records, disks, books, going to record fairs and etc. We both wanted to get a ELP turntable, so we both decided to get a shared account for saving the money up. We both got up to $10,000, and around six months ago, the money has disappeared into some investment management fund. There was no discussion, no communication, he just went ahead. Eversince I started questioning him about it, he has become short and snappy. Over the last two months, he has now given me the silent treatment. I made a mistake and was too trusting, and now I’ve lost $4,000 and he doesn’t seem to care. At one point of my life, I thought I was to judgemental, and now conversely have become the other way. I helped this guy who slept in a car into government housing, motivated him to find work (he got some technical drafting work), and the special pension for his asperger’s syndrome, and well; this was the thanks one gets. I guess like me, he’ll have to face god upon his natural death. At least I can rest easy knowing I’ve done the right thing.

    • Elevations RTC

      December 11th, 2019 at 9:49 PM

      Patrick Henry College (PHC The security guards were bored. Patrick Henry College was the first weekend of May 2010—a time when students at other universities were partying before finals. Patrick Henry College (PHC
      This, however, was Patrick Henry College (PHC), the elite evangelical school better known as “God’s Harvard.” Patrick Henry College (PHC Here, in sleepy Purcellville, Virginia, Patrick Henry College (PHC instead of police officers or rent-a-cops, the security guards were all upperclassmen. On a good Friday or Saturday night, they’d catch freshmen trying to Patrick Henry College (PHC sneak back onto campus after an evening visiting the monuments in nearby Washington, D.C. Mostly, though, they just double-checked that all the doors were locked.

    • John

      December 24th, 2019 at 8:19 PM

      И мои родители. или aspd с n тенденциями. Проблема в том, что моя мама - это CNP, мой папа был военно-морским заповедником, а затем Организатор профсоюза теперь выходит на пенсию. в любое время, которое я близок к независимости, они кривошипать тепло. 6 лет назад переезжает между двумя школами, которые я жил в своем доме в течение 6 месяцев в старой комнате-старшей школе и заболел собакой. Моя мама настаивала в моей голове, я на наркотиках БЛАЙ БЛАЙ. Когда я был уверен, что их подвал был заплесневенным. Я так занят, что я забыл. школа и работа, затем две работы, а затем пытаются рисковать самостоятельно, где я взял сделку с дьявол & # 8230; Не понимаю, что мой папа, скорее всего, нарекомендовал себя медленно, вошел в мою жизнь. Между ним у меня было массивное сотрясение сотрясения и работало от 60 до 100 часов в неделю. Sans согласно тому, что факт что моя налоговая декларация пошла на их адрес, и они держали его в течение 4 месяцев (я слишком занят, чтобы понять) & # 8230; каждый раз, когда я разговариваю с ними, что не так со мной или когда я делаю что-то для них & # 8230; Весь внезапный кот космос заболевает. Мой PAL от 8-го класса был сейчас 16,5 года. Собираться на их место и спать рядом с ним ночи я мог (подвальный пол).
      8 месяцев в допном кровотечении интересно WTF. Клиент, который я делаю техническую поддержку для признанных вкусов в течение периода, он помог мне получить мои вещи из коммерческого местоположения (плохой технический / телефонный магазин Дело в основном воссозданном доме, и они использовали больше моих инструментов, тогда у них была инвентарь, я оставался на ночь, неоплачиваемый, чтобы исправить на владельцах бумаги Donigy 20-летних друзей Недостаток способности и беспокойства в ремонте) постоянная тема - я работаю усерднее и сложнее, пока они спрашивают, почему я не дальше, и когда пресс-формы не только ударил магазин в 3 этаже APT, веб-сайт и собирался зарегистрировать ООО .. У меня было отключено договор о дизайном. У меня была радиосвязка ветчины, начиная с 13, компьютеры просто щелкают для меня, а электроника arnt далеко позади. я У большинства из степеней CS и до того, как движущиеся города встретились с новым другом в прекращении безопасности. он сначала сделал ногу, говоря, что смогу ли я получить X сертификацию от Comptia, он может Скорее всего, заставь меня наем 60к до 100 сразу. Степень сансов, которая была 3K, чтобы претендовать на экзамен с сертификатом. Мой папа позже признает, что это было бы идеально. но решает, что если я бросишь то, что я заставил он будет финансировать магазин. так что я разговариваю с хорошо нанятым другом, а другой в Big Blue Fing Company (не IBM), и первый друг хочет, чтобы инструмент тестирования пера может заставить меня нанять Оплата, вторая говорит, что вы можете сделать, что я могу получить U 100K в год здесь. Я рисунок 2 полюбируемых субпродукции из дизайна. один, чтобы сделать литий-ионные пакеты качества для лучшей цене чем купить и меньше ответственности, чем Китай. Я разработал инструменты для ультрафиолетовой ультрафиолетовой литографии, научил себя CAD, установив этот магазин и делаю около 30 ремонтов за 4 месяца до Кровотечение началось.

      все это сработало, но все внезапные 8 моли кровотечений из плесени под литерату и жманистые в ущемлении и # 8230; APT не уйдет в отставку (8 предыдущих прессованных прессовок в течение многих лет это первое) и моя мама, которая не может повернуть Компьютер наверняка, я только что сделал все это, потому что я не мог сделать это. & # 8230; несмотря на рабочее доказательство. Затем она движется к проектам, бесполезно и вернутся к вам на наркотики и # 8230; который продолжается, когда я снова сбежал домой в отель. Симптомы ушли на ночь. Ну около недели. 18 месяцев в них берут один из 5 своих автомобилей из гостиницы Лот, где я ничуть меня. использовал полученную угрозу и и # 8220; мы обеспокоены им и # 8221; Dudly сделать неправильный полицейский & # 8230;
      Это состояние имеет психические удержания. 2 месяца раньше & # 8230; Liekly понимает, что у меня было 30 лет 0 уголовных или психических вопросов (мама NP 35 лет, она знает систему), что они подделывают отчет DV Когда моя мама нанапала, пыталась подтолкнуть меня за падение в подвал. Я был босиком мокрый плитки, она не остановилась. Я взял ее писал, прошел ее к стене, когда я почувствовал, как моя опора. помедленнее чем любой из нас когда-либо ходил этот путь. Положите ее в угол, чтобы я отпустил, это будет неловко, если она попыталась качаться на меня. Shes крики & # 8220; я привел вас в этот раз Я могу взять вас в себя & # 8221; (Можете ли вы сказать намерение?) Итак, они сообщают, что я насильнил и решил упал ее через комнату,
      . 2 месяца спустя я посещаю своих любимых кроликов, которые держатся заложники. Я сбежал в отель, потому что за 3 дня до того, как часть ее легкого снял мои мамы, следуя за мной в дом Кричать, что ты не нормально, вы бредовая. Поэтому я предлагаю, может быть, она восстанавливает лучше, если и # 8230; Это как 7 месяцев & # 8220; несмотря на то, что плесень про сказала, что нет формы, если мы скажем так & # 8221;

      Посещение кроликов, мой папа отрицает, что когда-либо видел меня кровотечением. Это было 18 месяцев углов глаз, пробных и бунчающих уколов почти указывают кожу. Перейти figgure 1 в 3 более чувствителен к плесени. Моя мама пряталась и бросала друг от запчастей, заплаченных для доказанного работы в аппаратном проекте. Я подобрал WebB, работаю от небольшого Biz. Я выхожу из Гостиничный номер, чтобы получить еду 430 вечера ..Не автомобиль

      что-то о & # 8220; это абсолютный ада, у вас есть машина? & # 8221; , & # 8221; Вы собираетесь [в основном продолжать их разбить и говорить SH ##? & # 8221;

      я голоден, и если его не вернувшись от времени, убери, попадают сюда, я иду в аппаратный магазин выйти с молотком, а затем скажем, остановить два вашего адреса, пока я в вашем Кухня и молоток мозги на полу.
      30 мин более поздних автомобилей обратно
      Государственное законодательство гласит психическое удержание только имидиата угрозы и # 8230; Dudly сделать не тот офицер и # 8220; я решил, прежде чем встретил вас, вы идете в & # 8220;. Я в конечном итоге стационарные психические телефоны не разрешается. Я говорю Doc & # 8220; у меня есть электронная почта от плесени Pro на моем телефоне & # 8221; вою, где я не уверен, был ли он подруги из моих мам или просто выгорание, но он говорит & # 8220; пациенты ARNT разрешил телефоны на Уорд & # 8221; Председается, чтобы диагностировать меня параноидальным Skitzo для заблуждений плесени & # 8230; против критериев DSM или позволяет игнорировать жесткий достойный бревенчатый паразитоз сделал бы больше смысла. Я едва сбежал принудительные наркотики. Прямо перед медой времени они и # 8220; ошибочный тип удержания & # 8221; (2 дня в) ох и и # 8220; где бы тебе это понравится Мед переадресованы & # 8221; (сопротивляясь и # 8230; я пошел с городом, который я не жил в течение десятилетия в другом штате: d) Док Сам 4 часа ранее сказал, что я буду там еще 3 дня. Только я сделал, кроме спокойного, и убедитель был указывать каждый раз, когда я подслушающую других пациентов информацией Blabbed & # 8230; посмотрите на то, кто когда-либо был рядом со мной & # 8220; Heippaa Halarious & # 8221; (Я на самом деле уважал NP мама, растущий и научился совсем немного), и наземная линия предоставлена ​​для пациентов и # 8230; если мониторировано & # 8230; левые сообщения в 5 МЕДУДОВЫЕ ПРАВИЛЬНЫЕ ОФИСЫ. Я думаю, что они решили, что я больше проблем, чем стоит ..

      ДЕНЬ Я выхожу, я получаю TXTED Pics of The Reediation, которую они сделали во время лишения свободы ФРС за свою ложь. Тогда, прежде чем я получу радость, которую они выбирали сюрприз снег Дует в машине в автомобиле, который был в прилагаемом гараже каждый день в течение 9 лет. Весь весь прошлый год был заставлен меня восстановить, что я диагностировал скитцо для & # 8230; то, что они заплатили, чтобы исправить и # 8230; какой парень плесени сказал, что был неверной ковровой площадкой, когда они закончили подвал в 01 году, когда мне было 14 лет & # 8230;. Мои кролики умерли в течение этого периода. нет Только они открыли почту и одобрили Cheqs в моем имени от почты. затем попытался взять свое медицинское страхование & # 8230; Они притворяются, что потеряют пепел Бонни, Клайд в моей морозильной камере. Они были моими спутниками с 2007 года. Я сижу в пустой доп. Голодный. Мой папа не признался в условиях и не демонстрирует сочувствие. Они гася все во время холода плечо и собака свисток и # 8230; Мой папа вышел прямо сказал 3x & # 8220; я владею тобой и # 8221; IM 31 ЖИЗНЬ СОДЕРЖИВАЕТСЯ ПОСЛЕДНЯЯ И ПОСЛЕДНЕВАЙТЕ ОЧЕРА ЧЕЛОВЕЧЕСКОГО КОМНАТА в прошлом году.
      COMPS FLAS OUT, сказал, что если они поставят мои записанные телефонные звонки родителей, признанные отчеты, были подделкой на записи & # 8230; Бесполагающиеся лицом по лицевой ответственности и # 8230; Извините, чувак жесткий шЛЯ ** Основной. но Тем временем родители контролируют все мои вещи, саботировали каждую попытку дохода, и у меня были заплесневелые токсичные 3x носовые кровотечения в день автомобиль в день 10 месяцев и # 8230; пока я не указал что если бы работодатель My Moms (департамент наличаной этики) должен был получить фотографии автомобиля, пресс-формы, подвальный подвал со ссылкой на журнальные статьи других больниц, опасающихся грибка Даже на посетителей одежду & # 8230; Они, вероятно, прекращают ее о изучении риска, которые она навязала, что они действовали как можно скорее. Ну, все вдруг, что машина ушла и сбрасывается и # 8230;

      Я печатаю это в одиночку и голоден на Рождество. Это как силлы ягнят и полицейских настаивает (после того, как говорил, что они сделали) (и напоминают мне эту встречу & # 8220; это не незаконно сказать, что вы владеете кому-то, если почта пришла к своему дому, это законно для них открыть (не дживит, что я слышал последние 10 лет, арендует и # 8230; ложь))

      начать сверх бездомных укрытий в городе, которые они выбрали и # 8230; Чем зажаривайте их или играют в мешок с толчкой человека. Также 2 года, просроченные для стоматологической операции, мне сказали не ждать больше Чем за 6 месяцев для и страховки не покрывают домочек JAT (младенца, не замерзали на 20 лет, теперь нужен имплантат)

      Я почти уверен, что игры, которые они играли в день Бонни Кролик умер и # 8230; Они голодали ее. Это было достаточно долго, но я читал NPD, и ASPD обычно хочет, чтобы жертва узнала. Даже если они не допускают этого. Я работал чаще, чем не 2 рабочих мест с 16 лет. В основном положили мои деньги на инструменты. Его нужно идти, но они создают эту постоянную зависимость и голодать & # 8230; нет выхода, который не рискует моему телу, если ФБР не хочет наступить в и # 8230; в Кали, где семья прикола даже 29 лет к стене и # 8230; 29 лет пусть идти в Comunitity College & # 8230;

      Моя мама: & # 8220; все, что вы делаете, это отказ, который вам нужно жить здесь и идти в Comunitity College & # 8221;
      Если я появлюсь на улице Thei8R, они называют полицейскими и претендуют IM & # 8220; вставьте ложь в дю нурт здесь & # 8221;
      Я получил папу в больницу в возрасте 16 лет, когда у меня сработал, обнаружил, что ему всеобъемлющиеся и # 8230; оказалось ануризмом аорты. Моя беспроницаемая мама заняла 2 часа, чтобы прийти домой и найти моих друзей Папа (которому я позвонил, чтобы планировать и левую записку для плана б)
      В 18 лет я вспомогал Европу на 45 дней в мою ценю. У меня был офис CPA для его поддержки в качестве второй работы от 16 до 26 (первая плесень заставила меня больной)
      Я могу готовить и заботиться о себе. Я сделал стал и выпрыгнул из самолета после 5 часов, никогда не прыгнул с парашютом раньше и приземлился на ноги. Можно даже приготовить индийский карри с нуля (Знать индийской докторской студентки / лучшим другом в первом колледже) среди многих других сложных и или здоровых блюд. У меня нет кухни, потому что. И все это только половина безумие. я готов потерять его.
      они сидят пытаться сказать мне, что я не имел

    • John

      December 24th, 2019 at 8:31 PM

      i wanted to add…nothing against cops. 2 of them have been updstanding most netural. 3 i would bet money are as sick as the people basically holding me hostage. last encounter “SO YOURE LIVING THE LIFE OFF THEM NOW DISRUPTING THE PEACE HONKING” ( i beeped once when pulled up 3 days hungry having ppoured rubbing alchol in tank to make it 45min to their house/where 15 to 20g of my tools and stuff is being held)

      me :sir if slaverly was legal would it not cost to keep that person alive?
      cop : IM NOT GOING TO ENTERTAIN THIS CONVERSATION
      me : its not the life ive been bleading for years now from their issue then in empty place
      cop : are you suposed to be taking any medication
      me **i showed him pics of car headliner covered in crap on other side (found sunroof drain lines also were plugged)(all while sitting in mine window half down)
      cop : I didnt see that (might have realized i was recording) PUT THE PHONE DOWN
      as im fricking calmly sitting in car havent made any gestures twoards him or agression/bupkis…powertrip
      in case they end up seeing this:
      if you are one of the 2 great officers, either understanding “alleged” or discussing day after tomorrow. you’re about the only reason im still here right now. Thank you for taking your job as seriously as you do in all the right ways and being awsome at it! (one of them was required/is only reason i was able to get my second form of id/birth cert from parents one night)

    • Jon

      February 16th, 2020 at 3:15 PM

      Why is it that you femi-nazi psychologists always depict the narcissist-abuser as male? Your depiction of the silent treatment, if it were the sole criterion to identify a narcissist is misleading and malevolent. Often the cold shoulder treatment is initiated not by the narcissist but by the victim in an effort to attempt damage control. As a sexually active male I find that such damage control is necessary with narcissist women who flirt merely to feel their own power in subsequent denial and humiliation of the male. I consider the feminist movement, particularly in the APA, has gone to far and now has decided to impugn the male’s constitutional right to the presumption of innocence.

    • John

      May 23rd, 2020 at 10:48 PM

      I doubt this comment will stay up, as the authors are convinced only women are the victims of this. Anyone who lives in this world knows that the “silent treatment” is a favorite weapon of women. My ex-wife did it constantly. I finally turned it around and told her that I would only react to what I heard coming OUT OF HER MOUTH. If I asked what was wrong and she said “fine”, then everything was fine. If I came home from and said hello and she ignored me because of her bipolar mood swings (this was a frequent occurrence) I assume she didn’t want to be human that night so I treated her like a rock and ignored her too. If she screamed at me that something was my fault (another frequent occurrence, triggered by anger from her childhood), I simply told her it wasn’t my fault. After years of this, I would add “and I will never respond to your screaming at me” or “just shut your mouth until you get therapy”. We literally spent the last couple of years of our marriage in mutual silent treatment, and it was actually better. I could freely ignore her in good conscience and just focus on taking care of the kids and the house. She needed professional help, wouldn’t admit it or get it, and I couldn’t give it to her. So I cut her out of my life and we were basically roommates (she was a bad roommate btw – total slob). The day she moved out was one of the happiest days of my life, and I gladly signed the divorce papers. She was amazed that the kids didn’t want to live with her, and we cut her out of our lives. Now she is lonely, still refusing to seek professional help, and has destroyed more friendships and relationships than anyone I know. She had 14 years of my being supportive to get help, but she refused. So goodbye, good riddance, and I will never respond to any contact from you until the day I die. And the kids likewise. So you authors need to pull your heads out of your misandric butts and recognize the damage that women are constantly trying to cause. You don’t hear about it because men tend to deal with the problem (like I did) and not whine about it. All you need to do is open your eyes, and you’ll see the emotionally abusive narcissists around you, and they are largely female.

    • WJones

      September 30th, 2020 at 2:40 PM

      I didn’t fully realize that I was raised by a narc until my mother started to do the “non-communication” randomly and for months hundreds of times, and still does it, in retaliation for me using a non-response method to inform her of her in a way she might recognize her inappropriate, inexcusable, excessive and unwarranted complaining, I did this less than 10 times, and it didn’t work at all, she is not selfaware and cant connect the dots to even basic conversation let alone make the connection that I didn’t respond to her ONLY when she started to complain about somthing she had complained about dozens if not hundreds of times before; she never listens, or listens to a few words and draws her own conclusions based on false preconceptions never attempting to understand the meaning of what the speaker is actually saying, makes everything about herself, and turns 90% of conversations into something ultimately unrelated that she is compelled to complain about. So after 40 years of hearing how much she hates peas any and every time the word peas is used (and half a dozen other words, which lead to subject of complaint) I had to use some technique that is roundabout because she will literally act like a sub 10 year old and keep repeating “I’m not listening” if she thinks you have any criticism to make, after she criticizes you freely of course, for having a backbone and calling her out calmly on her narcissistic tenancies (never using the word narcissist of course, she ticks every box of the toxic person other than physical abuse). Well it ends today, I’m done with niceties, and have made a pact within that she will never meet any future mate or offspring of mine, possibly infecting them as well she only gets worse, if I have learned anything from being around this type of filth is that they want to spread it particularly thick around people who figure them out. If your a parent randomly using the silent treatment to gain some sort of power through a poor childish attempt at gas-lighting know it can affect the rest of YOUR life. I’m so glad I recognized this behavior, to make sure I don’t do it myself to others unknowingly or out of habit from communicating with a family where this childish, manipulative, untruthful behavior is the norm; and to know and the negative subconscious role it plays and how much more productive of a human you can be without those types of people in your life, they are truly worthless and are costing you and society, a true waste of space, even if they are your relatives.

    • Paul

      November 28th, 2020 at 5:29 PM

      Q: Is the “silent treatment” a tool of abuse or defense
      A: It is both

    • Cindy

      November 30th, 2020 at 11:01 AM

      Thanksgiving was good, and peaceful. It is good to take control of my life and choose the people I want in it. Peace!

    • Andrea

      December 7th, 2020 at 5:16 PM

      @Cindy – so glad you feel empowered to discern who is in your circle. Enjoy this newfound peace.

    • Andrea

      December 7th, 2020 at 5:18 PM

      @ Paul- wrong. Silent treatment is an abuse tactic. “No Contact” is a response people use when they have decided to cut ties with a toxic person.

    • Paul

      December 8th, 2020 at 2:25 PM

      Hi Andrea
      Andrea: My ex Wife uses the “silent treatment” to abuse me and to protect herself from the truth, all at the same time. I’m not talking about “no contact”. There is a difference!

    • Browndog

      December 26th, 2020 at 2:26 PM

      The United Nations has recommended solitary confinement be outlawed in all but exceptional circumstances. Silent-treating a partner in the home or ostracizing a co-worker in a place of employment has much in common with solitary confinement. The targeted victim cannot escape from that treatment in either of these places either, and silent-treating those we made an agreement to live and work together in good faith seems to violate that agreement. Some of the damaging effects of solitary confinement and silent-treating a spouse or co-worker seem likely to be similar. Breaking off a too-difficult or unproductive conversation with “I need a time-out from this. I’ll try to discuss this later when I’m not too upset” is a way to protect oneself without damaging others, breaking our agreements or rationalizing our abusing of another as some kind of act of “self-defense.”

    • Carol

      May 14th, 2021 at 7:11 PM

      This is exactly what I have gone through for the past 24yrs with my husband. Anytime there was something about me that bothered him (one time it was because I wasn’t smiling & that put him in a ‘bad mood’ , another time it was because I sighed) he used the silent treatment as a form of punishment. Sometimes it would last for a few days, sometimes weeks. After which time, he would bring up whatever I did ‘wrong’. It made me feel small, like a child. It truly hurts you emotionally, deep down, when the person who has promised to love you through thick & thin won’t even acknowledge that you are in the room, and refuse to look at you or respond to a simple question,
      pretending that you don’t even exist. Sometimes he wouldn’t even tell me why he was mad, he would just say ‘you should know why’, this was after days of not speaking to me. During the ‘silent time’ all you think about over and over is, ‘what did I do to deserve this?’. You replay the day or evening or event, whatever time you spent with them, thinking about what they said, what you said, what they did, what you did…and you can not think of anything out of ordinary daily life that could have caused it. Of course, there was never any justification for it, except in his mind. It’s psychological warfare and you are always on the losing side. You start to watch what you say or do, so as not to trigger it…but it always happens nonetheless. It took me 24yrs to learn and realize that I was experiencing narcissistic abuse. If I wasn’t getting the silent treatment, I was being yelled at, cussed out, told I was ‘crazy’, accused of things I didn’t do, being ordered to do things for him (never asked). I was even expected to respond and come when he whistled for me, like a dog. That is de-humanizing and humiliating. But the silent treatment is maddening. It makes you feel like you are not even worth enough for him to make the effort to give you a yes or no answer to a simple question. You are completely ignored in every possible way.

    • Cindy

      May 16th, 2021 at 12:56 PM

      Ask yourself, is this loving behavior? There is your answer. One more point, you can NOT change another person. You can only change how you respond to the behavior. You can only control yourself.

    • DT

      June 7th, 2021 at 7:48 PM

      Not all silent treatment is aimed as abuse. I am for one when I get silent it means that I am over the entire situation and I have come to the conclusion that this discussion or argument is a waste of time and I have no more energy nor desire to continue. If it is with friends usually it comes about when there has been an argument or debate when I realize that we are on two different wave lengths and it has become apparent that they and I won’t change our position. That’s when I shut down depending on what the situation is I will remove myself from the situation or else I would just go off.

    • Andrea Schneider

      June 8th, 2021 at 3:47 PM

      @DT – um, no- it sounds like what you are describing is taking a time out from communication and catching your breath. Silent treatment is legit a form of psychological abuse and it is used intentionally to cause harm and suffering to the intended individual.

    • BC

      June 27th, 2021 at 1:25 AM

      Это сообщение может быть повторение поста я сделал вчера, но я был forgotton добавить еще некоторую информацию в нижней части моей должности, и я не мог и # 8217; т найдется такое & # 8220; редактировать & # 8221 ;. Мой близкий друг 22 лет меня в прошлом призраки года Сентября 2020 над некоторыми интимными фотографиями нас я взял несколько лет назад, что я думал, что я удалил давно был подвержен другому человеку из-за гнева от другого физического лица (детали не имеют значения). Во всяком случае, что заставило меня быть призраками. Она заблокировала меня на свой телефон, и я & # 8217; м угадывания ее по электронной почте тоже, если что & # 8217; s возможно, так как я послал ей несколько писем, что она никогда не отвечала. В последний раз, когда я пытался связаться с ней в декабре, и она позволила мне послать ее 3 facebook посыльного сообщения, прежде чем она и полностью имеющие друг и заблокировала меня на четвертом сообщении. Я также был заблокирован на все другие свои счета в социальных сетях. я последним пытался ее сообщение на старом фбе счет она не имеет, но никогда не использует и через неделю только неотправленное выдается сообщение, так как он никогда не был прочитан. что было 3 января этого года. у меня есть полностью оставили ее в покое, так как до вчерашнего дня и сегодня. Я хотел, чтобы я никогда не пытался дотянуться до нее, потому что я & # 8217; м назад к квадратному один раз. Я заблокировал ее Iphone, но я Известно, что телефон позволяет узнать, есть отложенная голосовая почта, но только делает & # 8217; нт сказать, кто это. Во всяком случае, я оставил ей две минуты голосовой почты говорил ей, что люблю ее и напоминая ей все самое интересное время мы были вместе, и всегда говорили вещи, когда она сердилась на меня, и я повесил трубку после этого. Ну глупо мне, что я называю и отпуск еще один голосовая почта сегодня утром говорила ей, что я был настолько занят, напоминая ей о всех времен хорошо, что я оставил самый важную вещь. Мои извинения!! Я искренне извинился перед ней и рассказал ей, как небрежно и эгоистичным я был, и я не заслужил ничего меньше насмешек и презрения, и в конце моего голосового сообщения, я орать, как ребенок, потому что я чувствовал себя виноватым. Я не был и # 8217; т думать ясно, потому что если бы я был, я бы понял, что само по себе ее Narc поставлять в течение дня. Они любят причинять тебе боль и видеть Вас в боли. я в надежде, что, может быть, она Ждут & # 8217; т слушать ни одного из них и просто разозлился от меня беспокоит ее и удалил обоих. как она блокируется мои сообщения на нее с. СМИ. я Дон & # 8217; т есть какие-либо социальные медиа ACCTS больше. Я закрыл все шесть из них 3 или 4 месяца назад. Это & # 8217; Л.Л., вероятно, будет еще 6 месяцев или даже год, прежде чем я могу даже надеяться на Гувер после этого. Я верю, что наша дружба закончилась насовсем, хотя и что остальная часть моей жизни с ней, если я получить, чтобы увидеть ее снова будет ад здесь на потом, потому что хотя я и # 8217; Ве был aroung ее самовлюбленный пути более чем два десятилетия, то есть ложь, грандиозность, дорогие кошельки и одежда, закаляет и вспышки окна, полное отсутствие эмпатии, всегда хотят деньги и макетирование лжи и предлогов, чтобы получить его, (я когда-то послал ей денежный Overnite в размере $ 1000 на Ехпрессе, и она поклялась, что никогда не получала его, но водитель FedEx клялась подписал его, я должен был иметь мой друг принести ей наличные деньги, так как я был вне города и т.д. и т.п., а иногда, когда я дал ей наличные деньги она позже сказать, что я замкнуты ее часами позже, но я и # 8217; никогда не видел его это плохо с ней сейчас.

    • bc

      July 12th, 2021 at 6:56 PM

      Once a person starts acting like a full blown narcissist after ghosting a friend and sending out flying monkeys, does it get worse at home with their husband? We’ve been friends for many years and other then the oddidies i’ve noticed over the years such as no empathy, always liked to be boss and the center of attention, a temper that would cause an earthquake among other things. Other than that she acts like you and I but don’t get on her bad side

    • Savage

      September 20th, 2021 at 11:51 AM

      ah the self proclaimed victims of a stigmatized “disorder” called narcisism, probarly made up during one of freud’s many coke binges.
      It’s funny how even with this article, you are all financially gaing from this stigma, but wait didn’t the guild of master therapists and psychiatrics decided that npd is not a disorder anymore and will not be entered as such in the holy dsm book?
      Real therapists, you have been taught about professional bias during your oh so difficult study, so how do you morally explain to yourself that you are doing exactly that and gain financially of it? The narcissism industry makes a lot of money, even the armchair therapists do.

    • Browndog

      September 20th, 2021 at 9:02 PM

      Посмотрите вверх и # 8220; история нарциссизма. & # 8221; Если этот сайт & # 8217 - алгоритмы не блокируют источники поставки как доказательства, вот один на ссылке Википедия. Отказ Я и # 8217; м Однако, хотя, почему кто-либо будет воспринимать, что все эти публикации комментариев, ищущие помощи с конкретными вопросами, были бы лучше служить без этой страницы или без каких-либо подключений к консультирование. Доступ к странице бесплатный. Он не стоит за выплатой стеной, а не автор, ни большой издательский дом не принимает компенсацию для доступа. Чтобы получить страницу существует Для финансовой выгоды кажется растяжением.

    • [5]. Текст взят из Википедии.

    Бесшумное обращение: предпочтительное оружие людей с нарциссизмом непромокаемая обувь для мужчин чистый понедельник ювелирный изделие